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this is a bit rubbish of me, but i cant help it.

(53 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Mon 11-Mar-13 21:50:38

Ds isnt strictly speaking a child, he is 21, but due to his aspergers he acts about 15. He is in his 3rd year at uni, but this year he went to live in at uni....

End of last month was my birthday.
DH reminded him. i got no card. nothing. In the end DH bought me a card and made him sign it a week late.

yesterday was mothers day. Again DH and DD reminded him.
i got no card. i got a text at 9.30 last night saying happy mothers day.

i am resigned to this but it hurts. He has a girlfriend and when she was feeling "a bit down" he went on the train to see her with a bunch of flowers. He can clearly do it.

i am the first person he calls when he needs something.

he has tried to call me tonight, and i just cannot answer the phone to him. sad
i dont want to argue or have a go at him.
but i cant speak to him either. im hurt. he seems to think so very little of me and yet, im off work at min with depression for the first time in my life, and some of the reason for that was him and trying to juggle his needs and demands with a stressful and demanding full time full on job. i cracked. i couldnt do it.

he has text now asking why im ignoring him.
ive text back saying im not ignoring him but im not answering phone tonight.
which is true.
im not.

am i being silly about this? to feel hurt by this? if he was the same with everyone it wouldnt bother me, but its just his family, who are his biggest support and staunchest advocates, who he ignores.

he manages to consider everyone elses feeling except ours.
and its made me feel a bit sad.
and i just cant answer the phone.

PolterGoose Tue 12-Mar-13 23:01:38

I am very much of the opinion now (hey it's only taken me til I was 40!) that I will only let things affect me if I can change the outcome and therefore it not affect me anymore

Totally agree with you badvoc

VicarIna some people, NT, ASD or otherwise, just don't get and don't do celebrations. To force it makes it meaningless. See if you and DH can stop reminding ds of occasions, just leave it and see what happens. Ds may, in time, surprise you. He may not. But it may make it easier for you to manage your feelings.

If he doesn't, let us all know and we can give you thanks and wine

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:36:02

thanks - as predicted as soon as he realised i was cheesed off he has not tried to contact me again.

i just dont enter his head. unless he needs me for something. and sometimes, i feel resentful of that, its hard to just keep on giving to someone who doesnt appear to give a shit.

i know he does love me, he just has no need as far as he is concerned to show it.

im pretty much out of sight, out of mind, until he wants something or needs something. Then im the first person he calls - which is im sure how it is for most parents.

i didnt expect him to try and put this right on any level. he will ignore it now until it goes away....

i find him exasperating. on so many levels.

PolterGoose Tue 12-Mar-13 23:49:29

VicarIna of course he is exasperating. And he doesn't need to show his love, because it just is.

What you describe is what a lot of parents of NT older and adult children face too, the difference is theirs may have the social graces to make excuses and perform grand gestures.

But can you just remind yourself that he is in the third year of a degree, living away, at real university and he has a girlfriend. That is one helluva achievement and he would not have got there without you, it is what those of us a decade or so behind you hope for (I'm not bothered about girlfriends TBH!)

troutsprout Wed 13-Mar-13 08:08:10

Yes I'm seconding Polters post. I think you are farking amazing! Look what you did!!
He may not be thankful (and Lordy I get where you are coming from... I got a card that his dad made him write out under duress)... But bloody hell Vicar!, I am soo thankful for you. It makes me think .." Wow, it's really possible!... Ds could be living independently one day"
So thank you smile

merlincat Wed 13-Mar-13 09:32:12

My Mothers Day was a similar non-event. My three (Dd1 Asp Ds NT Dd2NT) responded in an entirely predictable way. Ds gave and said nothing. Dd1 also nothing. Dd2 had bought really lovely chocolates and gave hugs throughout the day. Actually Ds didn't say nothing, he reminded me- as he always does- that I am an idiot and that his friends and even his schoolwork are far more important to him than me. Dd1 - where do I start? I have given everything I have to give and much, much more besides to that girl. I am permanently zonked out on anti-depressants through worry about her, she is my first thought on waking and my last thought at night, every day for the last 17 years. Would just saying 'happy Mothers Day' be so fucking hard? Yes it was.

NotMe2 Wed 13-Mar-13 09:49:17

Another pov here. My DH has AS and can act exactly like that. It has taken me a while but I have realised that that sort if behaviour has little to do with his love for me.
As a general rule, he hates emotionally charged situations as he can't read them well enough and he is scared to say the wrong thing. So he avoids them in the same way that your ds has decided to keep a low profile when he realised you are cheesed off.
But at the same time, my DH has told me before that he feels very bad to have hurt me, most of the time he doesn't even know why I felt hurt. Even when it just look blooming obvious to anyone else.

He is also finding looking for a present a nightmare as he finds it near impossible to get an idea of what I would enjoy. So would rather by pass everything, incl a card as he is so uncomfortable about it. Or willbiy something at the last minute, in desperation.

Maybe that's what is happening with your ds too?

Btw, don't look too much into your ds behaviour with his gf. DH was like this when we first met. But it didn't last that long and he quickly reverted to the sort of behaviour you are talking about. It's hard not to feel hurt. But remembering why he does.

troutsprout Wed 13-Mar-13 10:07:48

Lol... Can relate to the Dh present problem too!
God ..I've have some corkers from Dh. He bought me scented bin liners once. Honest to farking god! He wrapped them up too! Also ( amongst other gems) ... An ice cube tray that made ice cubes in the shape of the word " ice". ( wtf?)
God ...way WAY too many bad presents !
I try not to get insulted

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:28:28

thanks everyone. i was just having a moment. im fine now. ive text him today, just to see what he is doing.

no reply yet though.

i will try to talk to him tonight. i need to explain rationally and factually why i was cheesed off without being cheesed off anymore.

deep down, i know the fact that he is doing well, is ok, is managing and is doing well at uni is much much more important (thanks to a friend who pm'd me...sometimes i need reminding! (you know who you are - you lurker!)

and trout thank you - he has some support at uni though he has trouble realising when he needs to access it....but yes, they can go on to do anything. he is fearless. he gives me heart failure sometimes (anyone remember him sneaking off to Seattle (yep. Seattle. USA. on his own. to meet a girl he met online...!!!!!!!!) while he told me he was in Kent???)

NotMe2 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:49:14

smile
Nice to see you feel better. It can be be so hard sometimes can't it?

Ineedmorepatience Wed 13-Mar-13 11:06:13

I have found the same as notme, Dd1 will avoid me if she knows I am pissed off with her because she doesnt comprehend why I am pissed off with her or what my reaction will be when she does come into contact with me.

I am trying really hard at the moment to remain very calm and to explain what it is that she is doing that is pissing me off but it isnt really having much effect.

Generally day to day it doesnt bother me as much as it used to because she doesnt live with us any more but there are times when things flare up and no matter how hard I try I cannot help her to understand that other people are effected by her behaviours.

Hey ho and so it goes onhmm

Glad you are feeling chirpier today vicar smile

merlincat Wed 13-Mar-13 11:17:15

I'm glad too. Wish I was feeling better.sad

Ineedmorepatience Wed 13-Mar-13 11:56:47

Sorry you are soo fed up merlin I know what you mean about giving all you have to give.

I have absolutely no advice for you but I do know what its like.

My Dd1 has no diagnosis but I am pretty sure she has AS alongside ADHD although she is not as hyper as she used to be. I have fought for her for years and years but know I have run out of steam and am not fighting any moresad

The only good thing to happen recently is that she has upset many other family members who have always looked down their noses at me in the past and suddenly they are saying what a nightmare she is!

Surprise surprisehmmsad

merlincat Wed 13-Mar-13 12:03:50

Thanks. I really don't know why I keep fighting, no one gives a damn.

Ineedmorepatience Wed 13-Mar-13 12:08:24

My middle one gives a dam about me not fighting anymore. She feels that I am being horrible to Dd1. The trouble is I have sheltered her from so much crap that she doesnt know half of it.

Oh well, life goes on.....and on......

Be kind to yourself merlin

merlincat Wed 13-Mar-13 12:15:25

Life certainly does go on doesn't it. I will always do anything for her but the occasional thank you, or even respite from the abuse and drudgery would be so nice.

ouryve Wed 13-Mar-13 12:24:11

Vicar, your DS hasn't just doen well by getting into uni and getting through uni, he's done some pretty fab things that prove he not only has a heart, but can have incredible presence of mind, while he's there.

shock about Seattle, mind!!!!

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Mar-13 22:46:58

well, he rang tonight and said sorry.

i told him that his ignoring my birthday and then mothers day had hurt my feelings. He did seem genuinely sorry. I asked him how he would feel if i didnt bother with a birthday card or gift for him....He said being at uni he forgets what day it is and the weeks just go....
i can relate to that so ill let him off. for now smile i suppose i feel it because my only family are my DH and kids. So a lack of card was missed. however daft that sounds.
ah well. i was hurt and cheesed off totally for a couple of days but im over it now.
i got myself a treat. (some armani perfume which was on offer in house of fraser) so i feel indulged! (even though i bought it)

ill see what happens next year. (probably exactly the same....)!

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Thu 14-Mar-13 09:42:45

Ooo, I do remember Seattle! Forgot it was your DS, Vic. Well, he's come on quite a bit since then, at least. smile

Badvoc Thu 14-Mar-13 09:50:58

Seattle!?
<faints>

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 14-Mar-13 11:09:26

luckily i didnt find out until 3 months after he came back. He told me a very plausible tale about going to stay with a friend from school who had gone to canterbury uni.
he even texted me daily. working out the time difference must have been a bit of a mare....
i kept wondering for months afterwards why he kept getting Virgin Atlantic flyers through the post with talk of air miles. blush it just never ever occurred to me that he hadnt gone to Kent like he said.
i found out 3 months later when i opened his bank statement by mistake and nearly died at the whopping overdraft. turned out he had missed his flight home and cocked up the hotel booking so ended up paying twice. So while he got there and back in one piece it wasnt exactly smooth going.....hmm

i never quite worked out whether to laugh, cry, wollop him, or congratulate him.

Badvoc Thu 14-Mar-13 11:30:37

Omg.
You are a fucking legend smile
<faints again>

GLady Thu 14-Mar-13 11:45:43

Im glad you are feeling better

Can I just say the Seattle story is a LEGEND in my house

My Aspie DS thinks its amazing and if I tell him off he will say 'at least its not Seattle Mum' grin

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 14-Mar-13 12:00:38

grin

thanks, you all. i feel a bit better now. At least i have something to contribute to the speeches if he ever gets married......i do still have to pinch myself at the incredulity of what he did. I think he learned his lesson as he is still paying that trip off now.
And
She dumped him shortly after he got back to blighty.

I think with regards my birthday and mothers day it was just out of sight out of mind, and he still is very much a little boy, our relationship hasnt yet reached the adult to adult stage so i guess he just expects me to be the same mum who has always looked after his needs without ever having to think about mine.

i do expect too much from him sometimes, but i also needed to have the conversation with him about how not bothering with those things had made me feel.

'i kept wondering for months afterwards why he kept getting Virgin Atlantic flyers through the post with talk of air miles. it just never ever occurred to me that he hadnt gone to Kent like he said.'

ROFL

Just as well you didn't know eh?

PolterGoose Thu 14-Mar-13 13:35:40

Think of it less as expecting too much and more as having high expectations, because if we don't expect the best no other bugger will.

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