Decision to have another child

[want1morechild]

I've been around the special needs board a long time now and got so much brilliant advice. I am a regular enough poster but have decided to name change for this and it is very sensitive and I really really don't want to offend any of the lovely mums here. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this as no one understands at all.

My background is I have 2 children with autism, learning difficulties etc. Both are severely affected, go to special school etc. We definitely think it is genetic in our case, through my DH's side. He has an older DB, uncle, 3 cousins and 2 nephews all diagnosed with autism and. He can also see other older relatives who would probably be diagnosed today. My boys are amazing and I love them so much that I feel almost disloyal/guilty to be thinking the way I am. But we really want another child so much and don't know what we should do. I really don't think I could go through it all again as I found it very, very difficult to cope when my 2nd child was diagnosed. I know I don't need to tell you all how difficult our lives have been that past 8 years.

Anyway, if you are still with me, this is where it gets sensitive. My DH wants us to have IVF or IUI with a sperm donor to conceive another child. (aware we would have to seek this through private clinic etc.). He will not even consider taking the risk of another child as he says what if our next child was even more severely affected. At least this way we would be giving the child our best chance at avoiding our genetics. Is this a crazy idea? Would a private clinic even treat us since we don't actually have any fertility problems?

Please don't judge us or think we are awful people. We both adore our 2 boys but we always wanted a big family and just so much want a chance to experience bringing up a typical child and all that involves. I feel we have missed out on so much and would find it so hard to accept not having any more children, with everyone else thinks we should do. Please can anyone advise or anyone ever consider something similar??

[Crawling]

I think if you want another child then I think you should go for it and if you want to use ivf then that is also fine.

Good luck I hope you concieve quickly and the journey is a easy one.

I think your being responsible and realistic you know you dont want to have to cope with a third autistic dc so are taking steps to minimise the likelyhood.

[LimboLil]

Hi. Bless you, I don't think anyone would judge you on here for that. It's tricky I guess, as there's no guarantee with a donor that you wouldn't have another child with autism as no one really knows the cause (although I agree with you, I think it is genetic too). I understand how you feel though, we wanted a third child but once it became apparent that our youngest had autism, I felt that I didn't want to risk another. But age is a factor too, I am in my 40s and the worry of a newborn that may have SN is too much for me to contemplate. Good luck.

[beautifulgirls]

It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought and it seems like a very realistic choice for you. I'm sure you don't need us to tell you that SN could still happen but are hopefully a lot less likely. If you both feel comfortable with doing this option then there is no other good reason I can think of not to go ahead - and good luck.

[want1morechild]

Thanks Crawling and LimboLil, it just seems such a long, complicated road when I know I could come off the pill and probably be pregnant in a few months. I think I could have been tempted to take the risk and just hope and pray everything will be okay but DH is so sure that we will have another child the same or more severely affected. I feel unsure about using a sperm donor and the issues this may entail but he is very clear that this is the only way he will have another one (he is the practical realist one!). We don't even know where to start or whether it is even possible. But I'm nearly 38 so don't want to waste any time.

[tabulahrasa]

I think it's awfully risky - in that, it doesn't guarantee that there's be no autism...and there's the same chance as there is with any child that there could be a completely different SN.

If DH is so adamant that he doesn't want another with autism and you're worried about coping - what will you do if you go through all that and there is an issue? Well, not so much what will you do as will the two of you be able to deal with it?

That's not me judging you for thinking of it, just throwing a possibility into the mix for you to think about.

One of the reasons I stopped at two is because of DS - it's not the only reason, but it definitely came into it.

[perceptionreality]

I think that if I felt like you, I would have another child. Of course nobody is going to judge you for your decision on how to go about that.

Is it possible that you could see if there are any possible triggers that you could avoid? I know that some people feel that severe autism can be linked with autoimmune conditions in some families. But obviously, it's very hard to pin point the cause of autism in any case. I personally believe it's genetic plus possible environmental trigger, but that's just me. My oldest dd is severly autistic but we don't have anyone on either side of the family with developmental problems or autism. With my youngest two I decided not to have them vaccinated.

Have you read Charlotte Moore's book 'George and Sam'? Her oldest two boys have autism and she went on to have another child who was NT.

[want1morechild]

Yes, thanks beautiful girl. I've said that to DH as well. I've pointed out to him that we could go ahead and conceive a child which is not genetically his and that our child could have autism or another serious disability etc. He said at least we would have done everything in our power to avoid it. I think as we all know, that having a child with special needs makes you so much more aware of the wide range of issues that any child could face. I totally marvel now at the normal development of my sisters'/ brother's children!!

[vjg13]

Good luck with whatever you decide, you don't need to tell anyone if you choose ivf. My younger child (of 2) was born without any additional needs and in many ways it was healing to have a 'normal' experience. It has also been very positive for my other child to have a NT sibling.

[tabulahrasa]

'I think as we all know, that having a child with special needs makes you so much more aware of the wide range of issues that any child could face.'

It really does, I've had situations where I've wanted to say to people - you shouldn't take typical development for granted, you should be getting up every bloody day grateful that nothing's gone wrong!

I mean mostly I just moan with them, lol, but you get the odd moment where someone's complaining about their child and you're there thinking, you have no idea how lucky you are that you can complain about that and how easily you could lose it.

God that was depressing...lol, but yes, I do think it makes you so much aware of all the possible issues and how easily it can happen as well.

[want1morechild]

Thanks everyone, it's great to get some replies as I can't talk to anyone about this in real life. Tabulah, I know exactly what you mean, I get so mad at other parents sometimes stressing about whether child in top set for reading etc., how many after school activities etc. And when I see a mother with a wee toddler chatting away I feel like saying, "do you know how lucky you are?" But I know these feelings don't help. Perception, I must get that book. have heard it mentioned it many times but never got round to reading it. vjg13, that is it exactly, I feel it would be so healing to have another child and experience all that we have missed out on. And I would love my boys to have a NT sibling who they could learn from. I just feel like we are parents but are excluded from so much of typical parent life because of our boys needs.

[want1morechild]

just wanted to say thanks to all that posted. I feel a bit more confident now that it is the right thing for us to do and me and Dh are going to really start researching the ins and outs of it this weekend. Thank you.

[Dinkysmummy]

Good luck... I think you have to do what is right for you as a family, if it means going down ivf route then that is what you have to do...

Wishing you all the best

[BigCC]

Hello want1morechild, my experience is not dissimilar to yours and I hope it will help if I tell you what we did. Having given up on being able to conceive, I had DD as a big surprise, quite late. Was warned she was high risk for Down's, thought we could cope and she'd be a lucky only child, whatever her chromosomes. She arrived and did indeed have DS. The day after she was born I realised I wanted another child - for her, for me, for DH, for themselves. I thought we all needed a sibling quickly and hopefully with fewer challenges. So we went the donor IVF route with eggs from a donor mother. I still didn't have amnio or CVS and was prepared for this child also to have DS - but at the same time, increased the chances of it not happening again with a donor egg. I don't think its possible for everyone to understand, but when you are building your family, you have to go with what you believe will have the happiest outcome for you all. I haven't met anyone who criticised our decision, not from the DS community, SN or the NT community - but frankly I really don't mind what people's criticisms are, as I spent the longest time thinking the thing through myself and believe it was the right choice for my family. Good luck in whatever you decide. You sound like a great Mum.

[flangledoodle]

I have an older brother who is severly autistic (he is 6 yrs older than me). It was very difficult in many ways growing up as a result. My parents say they had me to make the family as a whole more 'normal' but I'm not sure they considered what my childhood might be like and seem unaware of the impact that my childhood had on me. I'm sorry if this upsets or offends but would it be fair on the new child?

[want1morechild]

BigCC, that is the sort of story I was hoping to hear. I've never met anyone who has done something similar so thanks for sharing your experience. I would also imagine it is more straightforward to use donor sperm than eggs, although I could be wrong. If you don't mind me asking, How did you get the process started, did you go to your GP or just contact a fertility clinic etc. and did they have any issues with what you wanted to do? Was your 2nd child ok and how has life been with the two of them?

flangleddoodle, I have worried about that and would hope we could try our very best to ensure a happy home for our child and to balance the needs of them all. we hope that if things worked out for us we would maybe try for another sibling, but that is a long road ahead. A positive is that we have great family support and the future child would have loads of cousins round the same age to build good relationships with. I hope that all this might help. but I do know understand what you are saying and it makes me sad if I thought any future child would feel like you have. I would just do everything in my power to try to make sure he/she wouldn't.

[BigCC]

I got the process started by going to my GP and explaining what I'd like to do. He was brilliant - asked me some great questions, told me to think it through some more and in particular, to be clear on how I'd feel if it didn't work and what the effects would be on my existing child. Referred me on to a clinic who were good and who had no issues with what I wanted to do. Given that my eggs were probably the reason I'd only once conceived, but that I had carried a baby, they gave me a very high chance of success with a donor egg. Second child is fine, ordinary number of chromosomes and they are just at the stage now where they are starting to entertain each other. When he was born I had some very complicated feelings about both of them (guilty because I didn't worry so much about him, and because she didn't have us exclusively any more) and I used a diary to sort some of it out, but I imagine that sort of complexity of feeling is always going to be around. Do you want to PM me with any in-depth questions? I'm really happy to help.

[want1morechild]

Thanks again,I appreciate that and might do so at a later date but first will sit down and talk it through very thoroughly with Dh this weekend (he been away all week with work) and then make an appointment to see my GP. So glad to hear all is well with your 2nd child. I bet you are a mother who appreciates every single milestone and normal process of development. Hope your family brings you lots of happiness!

[flangledoodle]

My experience was a long time ago in the 70s when nearly no one had heard of autism and my brother had quite bad behavoiural problems. I'm sure things are a lot different now. We were also very socially isolated which I found hard so your circumstances are very different. I suppose all our responses are coloured by our own experiences.

Good luck!

[want1morechild]

Thanks zzzzz, I hope you are right and that is all that is needed. Researching it in more depth all weekend (makes a change from constantly researching autism, ABA, behavioural difficulties etc.). I'm a bit clueless about the whole process but hoping it is all possible and that I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing. So unbelievably broody, not just for another baby but a child for our family.