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AIBU to not want to go on holiday without DD....

(22 Posts)
HolidayDilemmaSN Wed 13-Feb-13 12:38:58

OK NC for this as don't want to out myself

DH works for a US company. Each year they do a reward scheme where they send their top performing staff on a 1 week all expensive 5 star 'holiday' for employee & partner. (they call it a holiday, but it is with 100 of your colleagues & you are all expected to attend various functions and team building events throughout the week).

DH has qualified for the past 3 years but has not gone, as I didn't want to leave DD (DH company have made it very clear DC are not invited) and DH won't go without me.

This year he really wants to go, partially because it's in a cool location, but also because there have been recent redundancies & he thinks it's important for job security to be seen by the management as someone who is performing.

He also thinks that we need a break away together, as things have been very stressful lately.

MIL is desperate to look after DD for the week, she's a retired SENCO so plenty of experience in SN. SIL also lives locally and is a paediatric intensive care nurse, so again lots of experience of caring for a child with DD SN.

With all of this I'm still really nervous about leaving DD, I've only ever spent 1 night away from her in 3 years. It's not that I don't trust MIL & SIL, asbthey are both great with DD, i'm concerned that should anything happen it will take us over a day to get home (DD has been hospitalised, via emergency ambulance, 3 times in the past year with severe breathing problems).

WWYD? - when I talk to my real life (non-SN parents) they think I'm mad for not wanting to go, all they see is the free holiday, they don't understand what it's like to spend all night holding an oxygen mask to DD face or the guilt I'd feel should something happen & I'm not there ......

BeeMom Wed 13-Feb-13 12:53:47

In all honesty, and with the medical challenges we have seen in the last year with Bee (including land and air ambulance trips and 7 hospital admissions) I think that with the support you have in place, you should go.

I understand your anxiety, things like you have seen over the last year doesn't just disappear from your memory, but with a retired SENCO and a PICU nurse to watch over your daughter, she will be in good hands.

To look at it through your DH's eyes, he has gone without the "reward" for his hard work for 3 years now, because you would not come along. This year, not only is he asking for time alone with just you, he is telling you that he feels his career is hinging on or not he attends. If you refuse, the message he might be receiving is "your career and our relationship are lower on my priority list than DD and what might happen in the time we are away"

Unreasonable, not really... but IMO you might want to really think it over and what it could mean long term...

porridgeLover Wed 13-Feb-13 12:58:50

I understand the worry, the guilt, the concern. And if something DID happen I imagine I would totally beat my self up.
That's one side of the equation.

Here's the other hand, as I see it.

1. You need to recharge your own batteries regularly if you have a child with SN. That's vital, not optional.
2. You and your DH need to be more than Ma and Pa SN to survive, exist and thrive as a couple. (See point 1 as an extra to this).
3. You are in the fortunate position that you have, not only a very willing and interested extended family who want to support you in this, but they are also highly appropriately trained.
If you had to wish into existence the type of support you need, it would be what you describe.
4. DH deserves it.
5. You deserve it.
6. It enhances your financial security (possibly).

I think you should go.

PurplePidjin Wed 13-Feb-13 13:01:05

Will dd find it exciting to be a big girl and go on holiday to her granny's house?

Yanbu to be petrified to leave her, but it is possible that a break will recharge your batteries - a bit like respite care smile

HolidayDilemmaSN Wed 13-Feb-13 13:10:08

Thanks for the replies, I think you are probably right. Especially the part about DH, he has been absolutely amazing over the past 3 years & I do tend to prioritise DD needs over him / our relationship. I just need to be brave enough to let other people help out and to stop focusing too much on the 'what if?' - the trips a 24 hr flight away, which is the part that is worrying me the most.

PurplePidjin DD would be beyond excited! She was signing to me this morning how her Nanny & Auntie are her best friends smile and her older cousins absolutely adore her, so she would be spoilt rotten that week.

bigTillyMint Wed 13-Feb-13 13:19:01

Could you let her do the odd night away there as practice for you both before the proper trip?

bigbluebus Wed 13-Feb-13 13:21:44

Holiday I know how you feel and I have actually experienced what it is like to go abroad and leave my DD behind only to get the dreaded call that she had been blue lighted to hospital. But she got over it and so did I!!!
But with the level of family support that you have (we have no such family support and rely on the children's hospice) I think it would have to be a definite YES to going on the trip for me.
You deserve a holiday
Your DH deserves a holiday
It is FREE
Your DD has a willing and experienced Nanny and Aunt who are more than able to cope with whatever they have to deal with.
Your DD sounds as though she loves them both to bits and would really enjoy being with them
and lastly - you owe it to your DDs future to get her used to staying with and being looked after by other people.
Get your Passport out now and start planning - it's only for a week

HolidayDilemmaSN Wed 13-Feb-13 13:24:07

Good idea. DH had suggested this, but I'd rejected it as I was adamant i wasn't going.

We need to make a decision on the holiday this week, but won't be going until May, so have plenty of time to do a few trial runs.

PurplePidjin Wed 13-Feb-13 13:24:45

Aww, bless her!

Yy to Tilly's suggestion of a trial run.

Oh, and don't forget - you deserve a treat smile

zzzzz Wed 13-Feb-13 13:36:21

I think everything that has been said is right and spot on....the problem is I know I wouldn't go.blush. I'm just not that Mummy and would hate it. If you can give this to your Dh I think it would be a fantastic thing to do for him, but if you can't I want you to know there is someone who would feel the same.

My teeny is a HDU regular too.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 14:57:03

I agree with Whats been said but I wouldnt go I couldnt im afraid. Id send dp alone but if you can go it will probably do you the world of good.

HolidayDilemmaSN Wed 13-Feb-13 15:44:10

And that's the problem, I totally agree with what has been said above, but there is just something in me that can't imagine leaving DD & travelling so far away, if it was in the UK I would probably go.

I've asked DH if he can take his brother with him instead, as I know DH deserves the break and there are great golf course & diving facilities at the resort that they'd both enjoy, but he doesn't want to go without me.

zumbaleena Wed 13-Feb-13 16:00:04

pls go

BeeMom Wed 13-Feb-13 18:07:53

I am going to play "tough love" here - it is not that you "can't" go, it is that you "won't".

DD will be very well cared for - and if the rest of her life will require care, not only do YOU have to let go a bit and learn that even if others do things differently than you, they are perfectly capable, but SHE has to learn that you are not the only person capable of caring for her.

DH has gone without recognition for his hard work (that he has earned) for 3 years consecutively, it is this hard work that allows you the lifestyle you are accustomed to. If he is correct that his absence this year would be conspicuous and might put his job at risk - he may see this is your fault (or worse, DD's) and blame you.

If he is correct and he DOES lose his job - then what?

You said her 3 hospitalisations over the last year were for respiratory reasons - May is past the end of the worst time of year for respiratory illness. How long has it been since her last admission into hospital? How long was she in each time? How is her health right now?

Your MIL and SIL - in saying you would not allow DD to stay in their care, what are you saying? Even for the benefit of your DH, that you will not entrust the care of your DD (their granddaughter/niece) to them? Do you not trust them? Is this because of something they have done, or because of that intangible "it is not me caring for her"?

Ultimately your decision will be your decision, but the ramifications (both positive and negative) will go on FAR longer than the week you would be away.

If you do not go, your decision is about what you can or cannot do, not about your DH, your MIL, your SIL, or your DD.

BeeMom Wed 13-Feb-13 18:09:53

And... the fact that your DH does not want to go without YOU should speak volumes. It is not about going away - it is about going away with the woman he loves.

HolidayDilemmaSN Wed 13-Feb-13 19:25:43

Thanks BeeMom, I know you are right.

Last hospitalisation was last month, tends to be 2-3 days, longest was a week but that was when she had meningococcal last summer. Health is OK at the moment, but she has poor immune system, so catches things easily.

I've agreed to go, subject to the trial runs going OK

Thanks again for all the advice!

PurplePidjin Wed 13-Feb-13 19:43:33

Well done thanks it's a huge step, but important for her independence skills as well as your wellbeing. I hope you have a wonderful time!

MissDuke Wed 13-Feb-13 19:55:50

Well done, I know how hard this must be for you. In my situation, I couldn't even go away for one night, but thats because I have 3 kids and I don't have a mil and sil with the credentials that yours have! I agree that it is wonderful that your dh wants to go away with you, and I hope you can manage to relax and enjoy yourself - you deserve it!

MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 20:42:07

I'm hesitant to post this, and I understand where you are coming from, and can see that everyone else is tiptoing round trying not to mention the elephant in the room. Please report my post if makes you feel bad, if it's in any way out of order, or even if you just don't want to think about it.

Being in the same country as dd will not necessarily keep her safe. Even being in the same room with her will not necessarily keep her safe. Every time she goes to school, to anyone's home (to respite?) there is a risk she will end up blue-lighted to hospital and that you might not be there for those first crucial minutes in which she is in most danger. And you cope with that, because you have to.

If the worst did happen, and the deterioration was so very fast that you couldn't get home before she ended up in hospital, even if she became so ill that hospital couldn't reverse it... your dd would still be getting the best of medical care, she would still have people with her who would fight for her to be well looked after, and make her feel comfortable, secure and loved.

It is probably more necessary for your dd's welfare to make sure her parents stay married, it is necessary to ensure her daddy still has a job, it's necessary to stay sane yourself. And to me, the fear of the guilt is most likely fear of that irrational, free-floating SN mum guilt: 'failed to make my child be ok, failed to be God, failed to do everything-possible-absolutely-perfectly'.

MareeyaDolores Wed 13-Feb-13 20:43:06

So when you go, leave the guilt at home thanks

BeeMom Thu 14-Feb-13 02:14:45

You are a tremendously strong woman to make this decision even though it is a difficult one - I am proud of you.

In fact, because of this thread, I had a chat with my DH today, and informed him that over spring break, we were going to take dd to his parents' place, book ourselves a hotel room, and have a night away from her (knowing she is in excellent hands).

Bee's last hospital admission was almost 7 weeks long, in a city 200 miles from our home. During that time, I vowed to myself that I would do a better job in attending to my physical and emotional needs. I haven't been doing it, but now is the time.

Thanks for the proverbial kick in the backside.

bigbluebus Thu 14-Feb-13 11:54:10

So glad that you have made the decision to go holiday.
What Mareeya says is so true. I think the age of technology has done us no favours in a way - we now feel we can be there for our children 24/7 365 days a year because someone can always get hold of us.

I have seen the effects that never being away from their parents can have on children with SN. A friend's son who has CP and LD never went away for respite - ever. If ever he was in hospital, mum was by his side. He had never spent a night away from his mum. At 18, he needed an operation and had to spend a few nights in hospital. They were going to put him on a male surgical ward. He was terrified - not just of the operation, the hospital and all that entailed, but at the thought of being away from his mum overnight for the very 1st time. We owe it to our children to let them gain a little independence from us - we do them a disservice if we do not. We would all like to be there for them forever, but the reality is, none of us know what is around the corner. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true.

I really hope your DD enjoys her trial stays at your MILs and that you go to the States in May and have a fantastic 'guilt free' time. You deserve it.

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