Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.
Pls advise re LEA / FII worries?(116 Posts)
I would first check if they are listening, or prepared to entertain anything you say. Responses to a few anodyne comments like ds is 'not quite reading yet', 'a bit shy' and gets 'slightly overwhelmed in big groups' will demonstrate attitudes.
No harm in asking, but would get teacher godma to plan the phrasing and tone.
OP - does your H have a good friend that he can talk to? At the end of last year things were so bad (DH was incredibly defensive and I took the brunt of this) that I thought we would separate - he has thankfully now spoken to a good friend of his. Things are so different now and he is fully supportive of me and like a different person. (my husband isn't one for opening up at all and I am extremely grateful to his friend.)
I have followed your post for many months and know the long path you have been down. A good friend said to me that once you leave somewhere you should never go back as you left at the time for a good reason. I ignored their advice and returned to a job I had left previously, it didn't work out there at all and I left again. I vowed to then follow his advice! We lived in the area we are now a few years ago, we had a battle to get our younger son dx and no one would listen to us. Dh was in the armed forces so we got posted and moved away. Within the first day of new school, the school said he showed clear signs of autism despite the last area always stating no and that it was in my head. He was then dx very quickly. Hubby then got made redundant and as we had a house in the old area we moved back so for a 2nd time ignored my friends advice,
Thought things would be better as son now dx and the dx was watertight. Put him in a school o. Ore text he would get a u it placement, he was dumped in the mainstream, removed him after 6 weeks and he went to a good school. Sadly that has broken down as he is soooo complex. Now been through the tribunal process where I came face to face with the old head. They are trying to place him back in the old rubbish school.
If we lose tribunal, we will move, not far but enough to get into the next county and far enough where our past will not travel with us. I live I. The smallest county I. England and my experience is similar to yours. It doesn't matter now even if we do win as my card is marked. For my own sanity we have to go, yes it means selling this house etc and the stress it will bring and my daughter will have to move school again but for the family it is he right thing to do. I think you have reached the point of no return. You cannot change these people's attitudes to you, you could get a gold plated dx but they will not change their minds. I know that is wrong and we want to believe that people will see the truth but they simply cannot and a move is probably the only option left.
When I moved the last time to a new area it was fab - no one knew us or our history, made some great friends and we were happy. Some things werent ideal but life never us but to live with this big cloud of doubt over you all the time is not healthy nor will it make you happy. I don't think the private school is a good option either , I think that will also cause problems as well. You cannot change things unless you change areas and I know that's daunting - think back to last summer and the state you were in then and how you have battled to try and make the best of things but you are no further forward and now you have all of this rubbish still to deal with. My DH does not want to move mainly cos of the cost and it makes us look like we are running away but I've told him straight that I need to feel on an even keel or our family falls apart and I simply cannot remain here now, I have burnt too may bridges through no fault of my own just to get hell for my kids.
At the tribunal, the head of the old school threw in the comment about 'things going on at home' no one has ever said there are concerns re my children so I know if I lost and had to send my son to her school the first sign of me complaining etc and I could find myself on a path that I would never have thought I would be on so I'm getting out of here for my sanity and for my children
You know we are supporting you, even if we say things that aren't fluffy bunnies and patting you on head, don't you?
If we just say 'you're doing great', you'll still be posting the same threads in 5 years' time.
Yes... I agree we would all have to be fairly desparate to uproot our families from everything they know. Although from following OP threads over the months I would say that the situation is fairly desparate. No?
None of us are perfect, I never pretended to be, but that shouldn't restrict us from having an opinion on a situation that we perceive (from what OP writes)may be damaging to a child's well being. I would want people to be honest with me as when we are living it day to day, we are sometimes unable to see what needs to be done.
Yes I said I would move if I were in OP situation, and yes I would advise her move. She doesn't have to take that advice though... It's just an opinion not an order.
I won't comment further, and I'm sorry if my views were not the kind you were after.
I hope that the meeting goes well on Friday and that you find a way forward for your family.
I wonder to what extent not wanting to disrupt both DC is wanting to protect them from the separation of their parents?
I can remember you posting about remembrance Sunday and being surprised that you and H were still doing things together given that he was supposedly planning to move out. In your earlier posts he went from DH to your seeming to accept that it was not going to work and is now plain H. And yet you are still together. Forget your Hobson's choice for a moment, why is he still there? Why hasn't he left?
Practicalities are not priorities when 'needs must'.
From a CP pov this does not look good. H could go a long way to refuting these claims if he supported you and shared your concerns.
If you move areas, seeing the local child protection paediatrician and social services as soon as you arrive, will stop any rumours in their tracks.
and lougle, can I clone you ? <brings pocket size lougle to whisper sense in my ear at next important meeting.
This isn't about your personality, I know that, you know that, and I have more than enough weak spots myself not to risk throwing stones in glass houses anyway . The trouble with our weak spots is that unhelpful services often have a way of exploiting them which leaves our dc high and dry.
[boch, I raise your 5 years, I was warned off expecting any help from one particular organisation 6y ago, and it's taken me till now to realise the doomsayers were right. But too late to de-involve them now without losing all the useful services as well ]
No-one is saying that you haven't worked hard in this time. However, whatever we do it is the outcome that matters not the effort in. Goodness, I sound all ABA...but isn't that what people say here all the time?
It doesn't matter if a child has 10 hours SALT, if they make no progress it may as well be 0. It doesn't matter if they have 4 interventions...what has it achieved?
None of your choices have been pleasant ones. Of course not. However, they are choices. Now, if you choose to stay where you are and hope that your DS isn't further damaged by the limited provision he receives, so that he benefits from the familiarity of his surroundings, that's a valid choice. It doesn't have to comply with what anyone else says they would do. I have to admit, I would have to be fairly desperate to move DD1 away from my parents, for example. In fact, I'd probably HE rather than do that.
The key is to make a choice now. If this school isn't going to play ball you have to decide whether what you are pursuing is worth the upheaval of a move, and do it.
'I do need to know that I have exhausted every option here before I place stress on him via change, even if I hope it is for the best, at the end of the day.'
I think that you now have exhausted every option and you've certainly exhausted yourself with all this. You've tried several tactics, including even going back to the school that failed, and I can't see that any of these so-called professionals are going to suddenly wave a magic wand to make everything right for your ds.
I had to move a couple of hundred miles away from family and friends due to circumstances and yes, it was very hard for ds and us all. However, in the new county we had a school that could see things with fresh eyes and made various referrals which have now resulted in a dx - something we would never have got in the old county. A move is stressful and daunting but better that than more precious time wasted when that time could be used for interventions and support that would make a big difference to your ds.
Sorry if I come across as harsh but you really need to be decisive on this. Time flies by so quickly that you really can't afford to prevaricate for much longer.
"Wanting to maintain continuity for your children and family is normal"
This is very true... but surely if your child's well being is suffering by trying to maintain that continuity, it is the WRONG thing to do, if there is an alternative.
Yes, I get that change is scary, I have been through enough of my own to understand that.
As you quite rightly said though... we all do what we gotta do. No one is right/wrong.
The one lesson I've learned from MNSN is that paths have been well trodden by others before us, so we owe it to them to listen and learn from the struggles they have had to overcome.
18 months for you, 5 years for me .
Wanting to maintain continuity for your children and family is normal, and most people take this for granted that in the abscence of job loss, divorce or bereavement it's to be expected. We aren't prepared for stuff like you've had to face in antenatal classes and their isn't a shelf dedicated to it in Waterstones, or in the self-help section of magazines.
Don't beat yourself up, just do what you gotta do. Having a clear goal for me makes putting up with the daily petty crap easier to deal with as I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was the inability to see that the situation would ever improve that I found most damaging to my state of mind.
"its not just about my personality"
To a degree it is though... because you have known this...
"You do know they have been 2 failing schools with police involvement in bullying (not ours but others) the hosp has just been slammed in an official report and the council is the most dodgy mess of backhanders ever,.. too
and Ds has a complex mess of minor stuff too which has been holding him back and making him miserable as it has been - ENTIRELY UNADDRESSED"
For a very long time now and you somehow have convinced yourself that you can change all of the above, or why else would you invest so much time and effort into making an unworkable situation work!
I really am so sorry to be so harsh, but if you were my friend I would be saying the following...
Get the fuck out of there... don't waste anymore of your sons precious time trying to convince people who (in your own admission) will never change.
All the best with your meeting.
nah, <adopts rather fake but down with it 'del boy' accent> it's 'cos she's incognito, innit?
Are we all calling her OP because we haven't a chance at remembering how to spell her name?
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