Mumsnet Talk

an update to our situation:

Out of an unappealing set of options, I decided to stay put and try original local school. This was on basis kids still had secure roof and original school didnt have the sensory probs prev one had had and pressure being put on all round.

Things have moved on, a bit.

Returning to orig local school has been very very mixed. Ds clearly much much happier without the sensory hell of prev school. Ear defenders not needed in class, school sending him off for lego when he cannot cope with noisy indoor break times. However, ALL the help suggested at last multimeeting has not materialised. No overlays, no sitnmove, no timetable nothing. Teacher not actively nasty but v switched off from Ds in ds opinion and my observation. Also bullying - again - which they are trying to deal with but which is continuing. Child involved is our GP kid (also leader of ds only out of school activity. I hope they will be prof about it, I will be, but they are only human and I am worried it will become nasty). Child is also highly able / teachers pet in class. Spent 40mins trying to get ds in y'day in floods and distress. Staff explained that the boys who have been emptying his pockets against a wire fence are 'nice boys' (they prob are, but it needs stopped. to be fair they had them in again y'day). Also I was told that his teacher is 'v busy' for answering ds qu's (he may be, so get some 1:1 sorted then). By the time I'd walked home there was a message on answerphone saying: 'now YOU have left he is settled and quite happy'.
There is to be another multimeeting 'early feb' so I have heard via school. No formal letter yet. Will inc the Ed Psy who the Pead told me had CP concerns re our 'dx chasing'. Wonder what they will try to do to us this time? Not help ds, thats for sure.

I also decided to pursue the place at the private school as I was concerned that the original local school wouldnt help ds with his dyslexia. If he is helped with his SEN his anxiety will decrease I am sure. I was pursuing the private place thru discrimination legislation (only option).
Now have draft letter to go to private school:
the bit that worries me is:

"as you will be aware, the definition of "disability" in terms of section 6 of the equality act 2010 is not dependent on any specific diagnosis, but rather focuses on what impact the "impairment" has on an individuals ability to carry out normal day to day activities. this impact is set out in some detail in the neruodevelopmental report from Dr K. YOu already have a copy of this report. Further insight into ds condition from mothers perspective is offered below."

Am scared this will be passed straight over to Ed Psy / Pead who have said that my very seeing Dr K is evidence of CP concerns re ds and will certainly take further ref to that report and disability in the same para as futher evidence?

It is clear we did the right thing moving ds from prev vile school. However, it is also clear that, if nothing improves, this original setting is no good for him. The private one is fraught with danger and £ pressure (even scared to send lawyers letter, ffs). Yet another move is more upheaval for him. Yesterday he ate breakfast under a tent to stop dd 'looking at him' and was generally v fragile. Dont want to put him through any more.
To add to the mix, H was off last week and we were supposed to be working together to empty out the house a bit for sale/rent/general improvement. It was purgatory. He lives under the same roof (sep rooms) as us but is not 'there' for the kids at all, except outside house he showily takes ds to 1 club a week. He would find it easier to be an engaged dad if he saw them less he says, and I agree.
Till I can get ds in more reliably each day I cannot seek work, which I need to be secure, esp when we separate.

I guess I go to the multmeeting (if I can) and see what fresh hell they have up their sleeves. Also see if any joy re private. If both awful then I just have to go, and I will then always feel guilty I didnt do it last summer
If you agree with me on this last point, please dont make it toooooo forcefully as I need MNSN as much as ever to find my way through this murky mess.

imogen <hugs>

I've read your last sentence. I have absorbed it. As you know, I'm in the school-moving phase with DD2 (which, incidentally I never foresaw even a week ago...in fact even 2 days ago). I'm trying to envisage a situation where I could be convinced to try her current school again if her new school turned out to be bad.

I just can't

I'm concerned about that letter. Who is it from, a solicitor? It sounds a bit like 'Mum says.....' rather than 'DS is.....'

Hi Lougle.

Thanks for the much needed hug.x.

Yes, letter suggested by lawyer. The 'mum says' bit is what I suggested (ie what I would write direct to school...). The 'lawyer' bit is the 'ds has been dx'd and his needs are being inadequately met by state and you as private school are ignoring legislation by withdrawing his place once fully appraised of how bad the anxiety can be'. THIS is the bit I am scared will be passed to SS and acted upon, given the threats from last summer re my mentioning the dx.

Unless multiagency is a complete turnaround (AND they actually DO the stuff they say) then around here is pointless for him.
The only option is the private or a move of some distance and that is v complicated re H / housing etc. It is also a further disruption for a child who has had enough uncertainty/disruption already and I am loathe to take it for those reasons alone.

I admire your decisiveness re your school move and hope it proves fruitful for you.x.

"I admire your decisiveness re your school move and hope it proves fruitful for you." Well, we can all only make the best choice we have available at the time. I certainly haven't had to consider moving house to secure appropriate provision. I've had to make a choice to stay put or drive an extra 1 mile/add an extra 20 minutes to our walk. Hardly the same, is it?

I'm a bit concerned about the private school thing, tbh. The Equalities Act is a bit of a red herring here. Yes, you can probably force the school to take him. However, you can't force them to be a school that can meet his needs effectively. If they do meet his needs, it will be at your expense - they won't have any LA support and it isn't discriminatory to expect parents to meet the cost of provision above and beyond core provision.

Well, guilt is a pointless emotion unless it spurs you on to change the situation that caused the guilt in the first place iyswim?
So, if you have to go, then go.
But don't waste your time feeling guilty.
As mothers of kids with sen/sn we have enough guilt on our shoulders
Wrt private schools.....they have a very bad reputation re: sen/sn as they do not have to even abide by the patchy provision provides by state LAs.
Your move to the current school was the right one.
Trust your instincts.
Always go with your gut instinct.
That's the best advice I can give you.
X

I agree with Lougle and would not feel particularly committed to the idea of putting ds in a school that has says it can not meet its needs. In fact the alarm bells would be sound

(Oops butter fingers!) alarm bells would be sounding. The wider situation for you I have no idea about. But private school I think I would personally rule out.

THanks for understanding. I thought I had made the best choice at the time, but it is not looking good so the guilt is setting in.

The next multiagency thingy will make it clear stateschoolwise (though tbh its pretty clear already).
Its whether its worth the risk of trying to try for the private one as a last chance saloon. Ds needs 2 things: help with his dyslexia which he aint gonna get state school round here. Patience and reassurance with his anxieties, which he 'may' get at the private (I know another child there with issues and mum is v happy). I will move to seek these if necess but of course that is a gamble too. H is clearly not going to be helpful about this. Ds also needs more exposure to positive male role models (be that via school, swimming, cubs, music lessons, whatever).

Sorry, x post.
Yes, guilt is pointless.
But it still keeps you awake at night.

Point taken about private shying off when saw DK report and saying can meet academic needs but cannot meet his anxiety needs.BUt if his academic needs are met I think he would be transformed.
His academic AND anxiety needs are not being met where he is now, not at all, and not even patchy provision locally for either need.

You could send him to the private school for the small class sizes, curriculum, etc.
BUT, do not expect any help,with the dyslexia.
However...there is loads you can do at home if you are willing.
That was my epiphany.
Life has been much better since I stopped expecting the state to give a shit.
X

HT of private is dyslexic. It is his big THING. Thats why we approached that particular one. Its the query ASD that has scared them off. Offered 4 hours 1:1 each week for help dyslexia and all sorts of other stuff ds would LOVE re art etc.

Ds wont do work at home. I've tried and tried. He needs help with experiencing 'failing' at school and being told 'hurry up' 'i've already told you' 'whats the problem now' etc by his teacher. 6 hours a day, every day. That's what's doing him in.

I dont expect the state to give a shit now. I dont expect anyone to except me. and you guys have helped me (and therefore ds) a lot. x.

Just be sure, imogen, that the '4 hours 1:1' is part of your standard fee.

I say that, because, for example the Standbridge Earls School which is a Specific Learning School, have different rates according to how much support a child needs.

Yy included in fee.
I want to try it, just scared of sending the blardy letter re Pead and SS.

The problem with going private with a child with any "issues" (sorry, but you know what I'm trying to say) is that they can be asked to leave at any time, and then you'd be back to square one.

Yes, agent is right.
You have no automatic right of appeal as you would in the state system.
However, as I said, go with your gut.
You have been considering the private school for a while now?
If you aren't happy with the current one (and I can see why you arent) then maybe private should be considered?
But you have to be prepared for it not to work out - sorry.
By all means go down that route, but have a plan b.
Always have a plan b.

Is your dd happy at current school Imogen?

Yes, agent you are right. Also we'd be on a whacking bursary, so they could just reduce that and get us 'out' that way too
Tis a gamble, to be sure.
If multimeeting is as hopeless as I think it will be, I think its worth trying for the private as otherwise a move is unavoidable and I think ds would rather not go through that.
Just not sure whether to send letter to private NOW and risk this stupid SS thing (I HAVE a dx, a weakish one but a dx all the same, but I am still scared of these people, and they know it...)
or wait till multimeeting / lack of implementation proves a fiasco.
Lawyer wants me to get on and go in with both barrels and he is very very good but it isnt him waking up at night in cold sweats re his kids being taken away (melodramatic but I have lost a lot of sleep over last 6m re this).

ds not happy. teacher not responsive, bullying, still out of year.

dd yes, she will be fine wherever she goes.
but i'd still rather not move her unnecessarily.

Imogen...take the lawyer out if it for a moment.
What does your gut tell you to do?
You have done the best for your kids up to now, and you will continue to do so.
It's just who helps you with that - that's what you need to decide.
Who do you want to work with?
Who do you think will listen to you?
And have a plan b!

I honestly think the private school is a massive red herring that will stir up a hornets nest that doesn't need stirring and in doing so prevent you making genuine progress. They already showed very clearly that they'll bow under the slightest pressure to throw you under a bus once - why on earth would you fight for the right to give them the opportunity to do it a second time? To imagine for a second they won't is to lose yourself in fantasy.

You are making progress, lots of it, you are just so close to the situation you can't see it. The hubby is actively working towards a/helping you move (the ONLY long term solution) & b/ actively starting to look at the quality of his own parenting - he's admitted he's part of the problem - that's a mahoosive step forward.

Last summer was awful everything was so tangled and messy on all fronts and you had zero support from anywhere. You've teased out quite a few of the tangles now, and should give yourself full credit for doing that and coming as far as you have! There isn't an instant cure for all your troubles, but you are making a LOT of progress.

Guilt is what we do - we are Mums! Nuff said on that topic, except to say don't you dare let it paralyse you or stop you moving forward.

The school he's at now isn't doing what they should, but they aren't deliberately persecuting him either. Your position is finally neutral & you have a meeting coming up where you can calmly ask for progress against all that you were promised when he joined this school (don't get dragged into last schools shenaigans). Make the upcoming Feb meeting count.

He is being bullied - again you have the opportunity to use this to ask the school to put in place an appropriate social skills programme for the whole class around this. It should be part of citizenship/pshe curriculum anyways. You are allowed to ask what sanctions are in place to stop the bullying and what support your child is being given to help him cope.

Locals wont listen.
Will become actively dangerous again as soon as I start to complain (if it hasnt already)

Would like to try the private and keep children in home, before throwing all into air and moving away.

Am scared of sending letter to private asking for reconsider on basis of disability as feel Pead / SS will instantly descend and start threatening us again.

Agree with bochead.

Boch - the private school only took place away at last min as I sent them DK report - they were worried it would cost them money to support a child with asd. I dont think the state school/pead were involved, probably. I did it to myself, as it were, but i felt I should be honest with them that there was at least 1 highly respected med prof who felt ds anx not all down to mum but had a more fundamental root cause.

All I know re ds is that his anxious feelings become overwhelming and dis-able him from acessing life as he should. They also, combined with undoubted dyslexia, prevent him from accessing the curriculum as he should.
Ds will not get the help he needs from his current school. The support measures were agreed at the last school and have not come across despite it being only 5m away and all the same group of profs involved. The Ed Psy says he 'writes effortfully as mum and dad have changed his peer group'.

Thanks for your words re guilt.
I should never have moved here.
I should have left my H 5 years ago.
I wish I could turn back time but i cant.
All I can do is try to change the future and be there for ds when he wants to speak to me about it in later life (and apologise!).

Imogen..we all feel that way to some degree.
I wish I had never left my son in that awful preschool when he was 3.
He was just a baby
And I failed him.
But my huge feelings of guilt and regret mean I will never let anything like that happen again.
Part of the issue of my feelings of exasperation with you has been that in many ways I recognise myself. I would do anything to prevent a mother or child going through what I went through. And sometimes that can make me rather...erm...too strident
Your insistence that the school do something was mine too. Until I learnt that they either won't or can't.
Wrt the private school HT and dyslexia...some dyslexia interventions are better than others. Believe me, I have tried them all. If its read write inc they offer then run a mile!!
If your son will not do work at home, then how about you suggesting to e shcool that you buy the programme and the school give it 10-15 mins per day?
Is that unreasonable?
So...as I say, use your guilt and channel it for your sons benefit.
I still feel that - in the end - you will need to move. I have always said that. I also think that the private route (although I can fully understand your reasoning) is a huge red herring and will just complicate matters further.
X

Imogen...I will list my failings for you - it may make you feel less alone?
I left my ds in a pre school that I disliked and he was unhappy at due to family pressure. I didn't trust my gut.
I left my ds in a school he was desperately unhappy at. I left him there til year 2. I trusted the teachers. I was a fool.
I home schooled for a year. I don't regret home schooling per se, but I wish I had got him back into school sooner.
I have wasted 100s hours and £££££ on programmes for dyslexia.
I seem to have flailed around to no purpose for years...
Ait, rrt and diet changes and supplements have made a HUGE difference to ds.
If only I had been brave and went with my gut and did them sooner.
I try not to focus on the stuff I did wrong.
I have to look to the future.
Ds's future.