Have your friendships changed as a result of SN?

[chonky]

Just mulling this over really.... For me, I'd say I'm far closer to some of my friends than before dd was diagnosed as having SN, but with others our friendship is sadly almost non-existent now.
One friend for example made helpful comments like 'hmmm...maybe it was something you did , but hey, you'll never know so why worry about it?' to 'well, you won't be needing the family home you always dreamt of, it's not like you'll be needing a garden with swings is it?' (WTF?). Needless to say we don't see much of her these days :o.
I'm sad to have lost the friendships I have, although maybe I should be grateful to disability for allowing me to see people in their true colours. Likewise, the friends who have been supportive and have remembered that chonky does still like to have the odd bit of fun I am eternally thankful for.

Just pondering and wondering what others experiences have been like.

[PutAPeachyInYourSimnelCake]

Yes.

One friend is closer as a result, both kids go to BIBIC.

However other very long term friends just vanished. Sam couldn't handle their LO's, so instead of meetinga s adults or chatting on the phone, they just went.

I miss them though , some were friends since 11.

[georginarf]

hi chonky

can't add any insight to this topic but wanted to say am really sorry I haven't emailed you for so so long - thought I'd take the op as I saw your name pop up.

We'll be moving to NZ around August/September and would love to see you before then, will email you v.soon I promise.

and am completely at those comments. It never ceases to amaze me what people think it's OK to say. Mind-boggling

[chonky]

Hi georginarf :)

Please don't feel bad about mot mailing, I am completely cr*p at keeping in touch. I like to kid myself that it's a result of having dd, but really I'm just crud :o

Do do come & see us before NZ. Wow - how completely exciting! Will you be near your 'rents place there?

I know, the comments are pretty amazing aren't they, especially as they came from the mouth of my bessie mate from Uni . I agree with you Peachy, it is very sad when you've known someone for so long.

[georginarf]

that's astonishing Chonky, what goes through their minds??!!!

yes I am rubbish at keeping in touch too. have an email from Sophie Attenborough that I must reply to too!
we're going to move to Christchurch and my parents are going back for good to there very soon. It's exciting, but obviously quite a major step....still what with me with no job and DH being made redundant this week we are a bit stuffed otherwise!

will be in touch soon. Sorry for hijack!

[Pages]

I agree Chonky, think it's more me though - find it hard to be around mums with NT kids the same age as DS. I find it's what they don't say rather than what they do say that hurts. It's when they just carry on bragging about what their kids are doing and completely ignoring DS as if he is not even of the same species that I get upset. Funnily enough though, my older friends have been brilliant. Coincidentally they are childless but my two best friends both work with children with SN/in respite care and they are great. I had never appreciated them enough before for what they do for a living, now find they understand my situation more than anyone and are both a great source of comfort. I think it definitely is something that sorts the wheat from the chaff.

As usual I have jumped on here for the first time in ages and picked a thread to join before I get off to bed, so sorry I am not around much everyone!

[twokids]

I hev to say I have made some really good freinds because of my dd's cp. Also it has enabled me to keep in better contact with my oldest freind as he dd is disabled. but I find it impossible to make new freinds, They just don;t get it. The las nearly freind did my head in as she thought she knew better than my dd;s teacher

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

childless friends are usually great. They don't really know what kids are meant to be doing and don;t have parenting opinions so they take ds1 at face value.

I've just offered to start up NCT SN coffee mornings in our area for anyone with children with SN because I know that I can't bear to go along to NT coffee mornings (even with ds3) and suspect there are plenty of others out there in the same boat.

A couple of my SN friends have become extremely close- we just understand each other.

[jenk1]

my relationship with my best friend has suffered as a result of my childrens SN.

Re-DS who has AS, "He really should be in school" and then she proceeds to tell me all about her DS school and how wonderful it is and how wonderful her DS is, yesterday she said "I mean you know what he,s like-he,s such a good boy"

And when DD was Dx,d with CP, "She,ll be alright, she,s only got it mild"

I dont phone her anymore as im fed up of her holier than thou attitude.

Ive found that ive got closer to my older freinds, those whose children have grown up and my freinds on MN of course-

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

oh that's a shame if the friendship with your best friend has suffered. I've been very lucky with my best friend- we've known each other since we were about 1, and she really does get it. She has 4 (NT) children of her own, and I think the fact that the youngest were twins has helped her understand the stuff about not being able to do normal things etc etc. Whatever the reason, she gets it.

[eidsvold]

yep - made new friends when we moved to Aus - another parent who has a little girl with sn. Other friends have dropped away - but considering I was in the UK for four years and their lives went on whilst mine changed outta sight!! Still have some fabulous 'old' friends.

In the UK - a few dropped away - I figure if you can't be supportive and cherish our dd as a wonderful little person then we don't need their crap in our lives. Figure we will get enough from strangers without having 'friends' adding to it.

I guess it is like jimjams says - some people just get it and some will never get it - why waste the energy on trying to get them to get it.....

I had one who was horrified ( am sure i've told this story before) when I said we would have more children after dd1 ( always was the plan) and she couldn't understand why we would want another child....she just kept saying to me 'But what about??" and kept replying - what about what.... until she finally said - if you have another one like that!!! I figured she just didn't get it and no point in trying to get her to understand.

[tobysmumkent]

Well .... we've really found out that our neighbours are all wonderful as DS2 (ASD) wanders up to their doors to see their letterboxes each day! They also take his public meltdowns in their stride, say hello to him (and one was thrilled recently when he got a "Ew-uh" and a hug!).

And an old friend who contacted me turns out to have a son with SN, which makes explanations/confusion irrelevant - instant understanding of that part of each others families.

But DS2's behaviour at DS1's school seemed to limit school-run friendships there (and I'm more on the outside at schooltime now because I'm currently keeping DS2 in the car for his own safety, so don't meet playground parents as much). And doing PTA-type things has been tricky, so I've been limited there....

But parents at DS2's SN nursery are brilliant (elements of the all in this together thing). And his child-less godparents have been amazingly understanding, helpful and supportive, even closer to them now...

Got me pondering, too, now Chonky! We have lost touch with a few friends and I can see that some of that is their reactions to DS2. But I think the new/lasting friendships are more supportive, so am not exactly upset!!

[eidsvold]

jim jams - she gets it cause she choses to - I really think it is a choice - you can either see dd1 as a 'burden' with her sn or you can see her as a cheeky little girl who just happens to have down syndrome.

But it could just be me - I go through shedding friends every few years - look at where I am in my life and which people enhance it and those that drag me down - I slowly let fall away.

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

PMSL tobysmumkent- another shared activity- letterbox looking. Our children should get together (we used to live in Kent!) We're lucky with our neighbours as well- they open their front doors to show ds1 their stairs, and all know him by name.

you could be right eidsvold. I shed people as well now, I don't have the energy to deal with people who won't get it.

[tobysmumkent]

Stairs?! Not reached that stage yet....will keep watching :)

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

Stairs, washing lines, keyholes, letterboxes.... :o

[essbee]

Sort of. Over the last few years as my ds's 'problems' have become more obvs, we've been invited out to places (or even over to their house/s) with the children less and less. I still saw the parents without my ds so it wasn't lost, but I do feel sad about it though even if I don't blame them.

[SparklyGothKat]

My best friend is still about, but people don't invite us to places because of Dd1's behaviour, so in a way my friendships have changed. Spursmum was my best friend at school, and we still see each other once in a while, she also has a son with SNs so I feel ok with her.

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

nah you're talking the truth!

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

At least you don't have to have a fixed smile on your face and can join in the conversation (rather than at a mainstream PTA meeting - shudder- oh I am so looking forward to doing the mainstream thing again when ds2 starts school in Septemeber- not!) :o My friend goes out drinking with her mainstream PTA crowd but always rings me up ranting the next day. :o

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

I do feel guilty sometimes because the only friends I have with children the same age as ds2 are my best friend mentioned earlier, and my friend who also has an autistic dd. I don't have any friends with children ds3's age. I am going to try some music group thing with him next term. You should place bets on how long I last before I decide I can't bear it:o

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

Why do you think I chose a music group to go to? :o