Our SN area is not a substitute for expert advice. While many Mumsnetters have a specialist knowledge of special needs, if they post here they are posting as members, not experts. There are, however, lots of organisations that can help - some suggestions are listed here. If you've come across an organisation that you've found helpful, please tell us. Go to Special needs chat, Parents with disabilities, SN teens, SN legal, SN education, SN recommendations.

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(7 Posts)
StarOfLightMcKings3 Mon 10-Dec-12 17:23:01

What the veterans said!

coff33andmintspies Mon 10-Dec-12 16:27:26

Agree follow bocheads suggestions as they are all good ones!

And no dont get stressed out just put the ball back in their court. When you send any letters photocopy them to keep a record of a paper trail and buy yourself a nice big file to put them all in as along with reports the paperwork mounts up.

The social worker comments are trivial. Let them go over your head. Whats more important is that you love your children and are seeking support for them.

These people have knocked your door so use them for what they are supposed to do. If they feel your children are at risk (and some SS can surmise that in a nano second without actually assessing a situation) Then gladly say to them (and in writing too!) that you appreciate their concern and yes you are in need of support and advice and tell them what you need from Bocheads list.

There are good SS and hopeless SS but either way they are involved and so it is best to go with it rather than avoid them x

bochead Mon 10-Dec-12 11:40:40

Time to write a letter.

There are two aspects of social services child protection (no help whatsoever) and disabilities (who have access to funding, and organisations that can HELP).

In the letter. (Keep several copies for future reference)

1. Ask to work with an appropriately qualified DISABILITY social worker. You need someone who understands your day to day reality.

2. Ask for RELEVANT parenting courses e.g National autistic society's early bird course for autism/parenting for DEAF children, or Hanen more than words to assist with language development. Do not forget to request the transport and childcare to make it possible for you to attend!

3. ASK SS in writing for respite care at a time that suits you once or twice a week, so that you know when you have a regular slot to get the bleach out and do those jobs like cleaning the oven you can't do when littlies are around.

4. Do you need additional saftey equipment? (eg I have a special strong stairgate as my 5 stone son sleep walks). The disability social work team have access to resources like this that can make your life SO much easier.

5. ASK SS what parenting peer support groups they have available relevant to your child's disabilities (other Mum's advice I've found of slightly older kids are worth more than most professionals and stop you getting too isolated and lonely when you are struggling).

6. Ask for a formal carers assessment for yourself. If you get too exhausted & wind up ill from caring it does noone any favours long term.

7. Ask them to help you apply for a formal educational statement of special needs for the twins.

By putting your requests in writing you put the onus back on SS to stop bullying you and to actually pull their fingers out to help. (If things get nasty they will have to explain why they didn't action your requests, which risks them getting into trouble lol!). At worst they'll back off, never to be heard from again - at best you might finally get access to some much needed genuine assistance.

Homestart is an organsation that can send round a volunteer to help you out for a couple of hours every week. This might also help.

Don't let SS scare you, at the end of the day a SN foster placement costs them upwards of £2000 a week - they are not gonna wanna spend that sort of money, so don't let them intimidate you.

sickofsocalledexperts Mon 10-Dec-12 10:52:48

It sounds like you badly need not lectures from social services but respite care for a few hours a week and Direct Payments. Also, are you claiming disability living allowance and carers allowance? Ask your fsw about all these, as you could be entitled even while the diagnosis is ongoing. When my autistic boy was 2 / 3 was vvvvvv hard and you have 3 kids! I still remember the lovely respite carer who would take my boy for 2 hours so I could go and have coffee/ do a shop. I loved that woman!

sshhhitsasecret Mon 10-Dec-12 05:26:00

Sorry it's long but had to fill in on entire year! there is more but ill leave it at that just don't know where to turn

sshhhitsasecret Mon 10-Dec-12 05:24:55

Sorry hadn't done so then fsw said and about the incident with the bin because that wants addressing too! Like I'm some kind of child! That wants telling off! What happened was my dad was doing garden and was told me he'd watch him then a parcel arrived for next door neighbour do took it round & ended up being longer than I should(neighbours one of those that its hard to get away from & dad knew where I was) ss ended up going into kitchen emptying kitchen bin & was sick twice that night so took him into a&e to get checked out ( he was fine) it didn't need 'addressing' it was an accident it's done over with so now I can't relax I keep thinking people are looking for things these are the people that are supposed to be supporting me we've had a very bad year last month our kettle, vacuum, pc & washer broke we think ss hid the Tin opener we now have new kettle & washer is fixed but rest of stuff is on last legs we have had to order 3 v media cards this year because ss takes them out & shoves them down front of tv. Tv only just works because its been taken apart that many times to get said card out we had to order extra remote too now it's v hard to turn on he also turns it off every time I leave room it's very hard just to lea e room on first place as it or kitchen gets trashed if I just so much has go for a pee I now know why people with children with disabilities say people don't understand - they really don't over had to put up with stares & having to explain to people what's wrong with my son & now fsw has put us forward for a parenting class it's just another appointment for us we don't need we're arguing all of the time because all people do ( the ones that are supposed to help) is comment & criticise moan we have 2 many toys, house is a mess then there asking what we do with kids I feel like a bad parent I do what I can with my kids when I can I'm one person not a machine! we're so stressed all time & it's because of these people that were angry & arguing all time & now were scared there watching us too! I don't need a parenting course I need understanding how about putting me In touch with a course that would actually help me deal with my son? anybody else been through similAr?

sshhhitsasecret Mon 10-Dec-12 05:04:47

Okay this may be a long one so here goes I have 3 year old twins born prem with hearing problems and developmental delay. The youngest is the worse off when he was born he nearly died and had to be resuscitated. They've been slow to catch up but the gap between them making progress (e.g one might have started cooing followed a week later by the other one) has gotten bigger & bigger we used to be able to time it now I don't know where we are. So lets start this year at beginning I was pregnant with dd & I think everything was fine until we had her she wasn't planned so it was a bit of a shock so I've now got 3 children under 3 & have to say I've struggled a bit. Last week health visitor and family support worker visited and hv was commenting on dd she'd fallen to sleep in bouncer I didn't get her out because unlike other 2 she's a light sleeper and would have then woken and screamed rest of time we don't hear a peep out of her so hv asks about finding time to spend with her and pointed to her and said well that speaks for itself! Anyways back to ds we've ways known he has problems but this year after yet another hearing exam being told he has glue ear and he's still not talking got referred to another hospital where consultant took one look and was on phone saying he had a child possible deafness and syndrome and got us booked in for MRI s ct scans the lot scared the crap outta me be because I think it finally hit home that not only has he got a problem but its probably worse than what we thought so since then we have been back and forth to hospital for testing its looking like he has autism ADHD and possible syndrome we've had all this stress and worry we don't drive (yet) my parents give us lifts and hospitals quite far out then my mum moans at me for having to do it so I feel guilty(and a bit annoyed) then one day in middle of this we get call from social services. A few days before my sister phoned and Asked if I wanted help from social services because they help her etc etc i said 'no don't say anything' and she said ok and was left at that, couple of days later on day I'm supposed to be havi g a caff meeting 2 people knock on door I think there part of meeting so let them in and then find out there from ss they ask me about she throwing an hammer at me, threatening me with a scalpel (I probably don't need to tell you none of this is true) and an Incident that was half true that dh picked des up out of swing in park! (What happened was ss when only a month old was lying in chair and ss nearly stood on her so dh lifted him of chair by placing one hand on his back and one on his front) so then I started crying and this seemed to make themselves suspicious there asking of I need to take kids and go upstairs while they talked to dh (like he's some kind of axe murderer) I said no & they interviewed him & luckily saw through it they visited again then left . so back to hv & fsw so a week after school visited because they start in January & house was in a bit of a state it gets like that sometimes I try to keep on top of it but ss with problems doesn't really sleep much &had a couple of nights were he'd been up nearly all night on top of that we have appointments & home visits dh works nights 6 days A
a week so he's on bed all day sometimes I don't see him at all & I know he's working & he can't help him but sometimes I feel angry at him because it feels like I'm on my own so they visit & house is a mess and then a week ago I have fsw come & tell me they've complained to her! she said well at least they didn't complain to ss ! I told them I'd had a bad couple of days when they came they said there were nappies on the floor! I'd just changed ds's and was in middle of sorting dd out when they came I usually changed all 3 then put them in a bag then put them in the bin! I had just fed dd & was in the middle of changing her when they came so I popped her some leggings has on for quickness

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