DH will not accept that ds may have Autism.

[snowfalls]

This was first picked up 2 years ago and he is still being assessed and monitored, all the signs are there and every proffesional has agreed that he has a delay in social skill, communication and speech. The worst problem we have is his toileting (he will be 5 in Feb) he continues to have regular accidents both number1s and 2s, I have to take in 2 sets of spare uniform to school every day, and he still wears a nappy to bed.

dh refuses to see there is anything wrong, he says he is just lazy and accuses me of molly coddling him, his mother thinks I just have'nt been bothered to toilet train him properly, despite the fact she has seen me pulling my hair out for the last 2 years desperatley trying to help him learn.

[snowfalls]

Anyone, how do I get dh to see.

[amynnixmum]

We have been really lucky that the family have tried to understand but I know that lots of others on here have had similar problems.

My MIL is reading up on AS which is what the paed thinks my ds has. As she learns she is telling BIL and SIL so that gradually they are all gaining an understanding.

Has dh read any of the books or leaflets? I used to work with addicts and they often refused to see what they had in common with each other and kept looking at how they were different and individual. We used to tell them to ignore what was different and to focus on the similarities only. I think they used to get quite a shock when they did this. I know this is very different to what is happening with you but the same approach might work. Ask dh to read the info and to focus on the ways in which your ds fits the pattern.

[MeerkatsUnite]

Your DH and his mother both have a bad case of denial. Although a comfortable existance for some people you are getting the brunt of this and its not fair at all on you or your son. His attitude is not helping either of you. Does he openly criticise your son if he has an accident?. I hope not. You are certainly not mollycoddling this child.

I would sit him down with the people you have worked with and make him listen to what they are saying.

Will your son be willing to wear pull ups of a day; that may work better than bringing in two changes of uniform. Sorry if you've thought of this already - its bloody hard if you're bringing in two changes of clothes every day.

From reading I guess you do not have a firm diagnosis of his difficulties. Do the people you have seen given you any strategies to help him progress with regards to his toileting?.

If you are under the care of a developmental peadiatrician I would seek their advice asap. Do you have a portage worker?.

Am thinking aloud here but you may want to consider getting a Statement of Special Needs for your son re his educational needs now. You would need to write to the LEA for this and I would suggest you do so as soon as possible. IPSEA's website is useful www.ipsea.org.uk.

Hopefully someone else will be able to give useful advice and your DH finally gets his head out of the sand.

[tensing]

Snowfall,

I have the same problems, my son will be 6 in March and the accidents are getting better, only a couple a week now.

Thankfully its my ex that refuses to acknowledge my sons problems, so atleast I only have to speak to him occasionally.

If you can get your husband to go with you for your sons next hospital appointment and get the doctor to explain it to him.

Good luck

[snowfalls]

MeerkatsUnite
Yes DH does critisice him when he has accidents, witch upsets me as I believe he truly cant help it. Dh has been to all of his appointments with me and always says they dont know what they are talking about, that they are just justifying their jobs.

He see's a paedatrician and a speech therapist, but nothing else you have mentioned (I will look into those} he also has a special needs teacher who has organised an appointment with someone from severe communication difficulties.

Thankyou for the advise, it is very useful

[snowfalls]

He was last seen by a paedatrician 6 months ago, who said he did not need to see him again for 12 months, despite me disagreeing, but thankfully his tracher is going to ring them and demand he needs to be seen now and more regular in the future.

[MeerkatsUnite]

Hi Snowfalls,

(((((((((((((snowfalls and snowfalls son))))))))).

Your DH is wicked frankly to criticise your son when he has accidents. His unhelpful attitude is likely to make things worse as your son will become more anxious about the whole process of toileting.

Have you also looked at or spoken with the National Autistic Society?. They would be worth talking to as well. Think their web address from memory is www.nas.org.uk.

Good on this teacher for insisting that your son is seen more often; waiting another 12 months to be seen again is clearly not acceptable in your circumstances. I would also ring these people and insist that your son is seen earlier than originally intended.

[JakB]

Sorry to hear you are getting so little support from your family. I have a DD with autism and the inlaws are still in denial! (she is at the severe end of the spectrum and is non-verbal so I'm not sure what they think is going to suddenly happen). Partners do often take longer to come to terms with a diagnosis and that's really hard for you. Have you a specialist health visitor or somebody who can point you to services you need to access? We found Early Bird (an NAS course for parents who have just had a diagnosis) really good and it's good to get the whole family to understand. BTW- I think it's amazing he's toilet trained and so what if he's having a few accidents at this juncture? I've not attempted toilet training yet but will be(!) but there are a couple of fab regulars here who have some great tips= Davros and Baka?

[sis]

oh snowfalls, that is so sad. I do hope your dh comes to terms with the son he has as opposed to one he thought he would have so that your lovely son can get the help and support from his family to help him make the most of his life.

[Pages]

Snowfalls, in my experience it is really common for men to be slower to accept they haven't got a perfect child, my DH is more negative about our DS but at the same time doesn't like to accept that he is disabled. I have found that pushing him to accept this doesn't really work and that the slowly but gently approach works better for me personally, ie. praising up DS and all his good points but saying "he is going to need a bit of help with this". Can you persuade him to accept the help that you both need from professionals with your DS without having to give him a label? Don't really have any advice when it comes to toilet training as we are a long way off that, but just wanted you to know you are not alone, your DH is almost certainly in denial but only because he loves your DS and can't accept the dx. Doesn't help that his mother is the way she is...

[bunnyhops]

Snowfalls-I could have written your post myself.
My MIL once said to me in my day it would have been a disgrace if your child was'nt potty trained by 18 months.

My DS will be 5 in August and has severe speech delay.We lso foiund out today he has another problem (I started another thread on this)
My DH and MIL have always been in denial and even afters todays appointment DH still thinks the speciallist is not going about it the right way and thinks she has'nt seen DS enough to decide this.

It is very difficult when as a mother you are going through hell not to have the support of those close to you.
Could you get the speciallist to have a word with your DH and MIL to explain hoe important it is for you to have support over this so you can move forward.

[snowfalls]

Thankyou all so much for the advice, we have a cpuple of appoinments coming up, so I will take it from their, though when I try and speak to him after an appointment DH says I am being brainwashed, I mean please, does he really think there is some kind of conspiracy (so?) going on?
Thankyou all again

[snowfalls]

Socci
Do you mean you think you know me

[emmalou78]

Theres a book, called 'the autistic spectrum' its by lorna wing. It is very readable,and it goes through the various aspects and differeing elements of ASD in a readable, informative manner.

I had a similar problem with my mum, right up until we got my sons diagnosis [2 weeks before his 3rd birthday this past july]accordignto her my son was deaf, lazy, too happy, too social etc to be autistic spectrum. Now she's accepted he is, I get 'i'm like that though' all the time, I think its meant to be reassuring, but theres only so many times you can explain, that no, she's shy, put elijah ina crowded room and he gets flappy, he hides under tables and eventually starts screaming and flinging himself round till you take him outside, or give him toy trains, a world apart form staying in the background...

Have you explained that ASD won't change who your son is, he won't become a different person, just becuase he has a certain condition, its just that he fits into the world differently, and is going to need a different kind of help and support to be all he can be in life, then other children might.

Of course it could all be a conspiracy..

[snowfalls]

emmalou78
Thanks for recommending that book, will try to find a copy.

[snowfalls]

Yes it is taking a long time to get a DX, it has been 2 years so far, I am in Worcestershire BTW

[snowfalls]

CASBAT assessment? Never heard of it, what does it stand for?

[snowfalls]

Would it be out of order to name his paediatrician on here to see if you know her??

[snowfalls]

No DS is Dr S, dont know her first name as we have only seen her once, she has been on maternity leave for 12 months now, and her replacement we have only seen once and he was useless, he did'nt have DS notes, had no idea why we were there and did not say a single word to DS, and then said he does not need to be seen again for 12 months
His teacher at school who specilises in SN has thepower to bring this appointment forward, so we are waiting to here, should be very soon.

I have never heard of most of these orginisations that people are mentioning, I am worried now he is not being monitored properly, but will note all these down and try and get the ball rolling.