Ok, background
DS is 7yrs. I've always suspected possible ASD tendencies but DH always told me it was in my head. As a baby, DS had major manic episodes after gluten and after testing at Sunderland, leaky gut was confirmed (thanks MN)
Major improvement after this but still major social issues and strange reactions to dressing up or nursery nativity. Also slight dyspraxic tendencies (can't ride a bike, poor pencil control) No speech delay and a very bright boy. Doesn't like change or going somewhere new or to parties etc.
Now in Y2 and in the last year we have had 2 private assessments (one was a guy recommended on here). Both has said yes to traits. However, the woman we saw said yes to lots of traits but not on the spectrum and the guy said yes to lots of traits and on the spectrum but not far enough along to get a diagnosis.
In fact, he contradicted her as he said there was no such thing as 'just off the spectrum'. He said if your not autistic, you're not autistic. She said we all have traits and DS just has more.
So, what the guy said was that if you imagine ASD to be a scale of 1-100, you may get a diagnosis around 10 and DS is around 5 or 6. I feel relieved that it's not all in my head but where to go from here? How can I support him socially? I looked at the Atwwood book but a lot of it isn't relevant to DS. Is there a book or anything with strategies to help very mildly affected kids?
He copes with MS school but it exceptionally anxious in the environment. How can I help him with this? I have 3 children (2 girls younger than him) and we are all exhausted from his tantrums which always happen within an hour of finishing school and are almost like a meltdown. 
Sorry if this is a bit on an essay. I'm just looking for a point in the right direction. Thank you. 
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
'Lots of Aspergers traits but not enough for a diagnosis.' I could really do with some advice.
verityjones · 20/01/2011 10:55
Great advice from indigo and attila, just to add I have Dd3 who is 8 and we don't know if she will get a Dx or not. She has had loads of assessments which seem to show her as borderline for quite a few issues.
She copes at school by working hard and keeping her head down. She isn't able to communicate emotional issues at school so bottles them up until she gets home.
We find,walking home from school, not trying to talk to her too much, giving her space to wind down, allowing her to choose what she wants to do after school and providing a snack more or less as soon as she come out of school has made our life much less stress full.
It must be difficult with younger ones around[I only have much bigger ones]. Is there any way he could have some time alone when he comes home? Doing whatever he likes to do, the school day is very long and stressful.
The best piece of advice I have been given lately is to treat her as if she does have an ASD even without a Dx, because if the strategies work for her then why not use them.
Good luck
Thank you to both of you!
I will look into a statement but was wary of labelling him because he is so mild and I wouldn't want people to make assumptions about him. 
I have voiced concerns to the SENCo who had a chat with the teacher and said they didn't think there was anything wrong with him. Again, this is because he is at a level where he is aware of what he should be doing and tries really hard to fit in. He told me the other day that he laughs when people tell jokes because he knows he should.
One of the absolute worse things is that because he's at the 'milder' end of the scale he is so aware that he is different. Also, now that he's in Y2, all the boys are maturing a little and off playing football. He is less mature than my 5yr old DD1 and cannot cope with the football stuff at all so he is becoming more isolated. I am so sad because I know this gap will only widen. He is very anxious but also very sensitive and often cries at bedtime because he wants to be like the other boys.
I will look at what we can do to lessen the after school meltdown.
Thanks you also, ineedalife.
For us, it's just a matter of finding out about those strategies. Is there a book which is specifically written for parents of children 'just' on the spectrum?
I will try a quiet space and food straight after coming in.
No I don't think so, ask anything you need to know on here. There are some seriously knowledgable/experienced people on here.
You have come to the right place
Thanks again. I will have a good look at the statementing process. I guess I also have concern that the two 'experts' seemed to fundamentally disagree so maybe he isn't clear cut even to those who deal with such things every day. Yet, strangely, I have always known. 
The first phyc we saw for assessment said lots of traits but that DS was not autistic. The guy we saw for the second assessment said he was on the spectrum but would be unlikely to get a diagnosis because he was 'just on'. Their fundamental disagreement seemed to be that she thought we all have traits and he was 'just off' and he said this was totally wrong and that there was no such thing as 'just off'. He didn't believe it was a continuum. He said there was a vast difference between an NT child with a couple of traits that can be associated with autism and even a very mildly affected ASD child like DS.
I guess this has all just confused me. However, I know many parents are mortified at the thought of an ASD diagnosis and yet, because he is 7 and I feel I have always known I feel somehow relieved to know that its not all in my head. DH still doesn't believe it tbh especially because the 2 expects cannot even agree. At the moment I have just decided to look at it as if he has X & Y difficulties and regardless of what is causing them, I need to help him.
Just spoken to class teacher again and made an appointment to see the Senco. Class teacher described DS as 'just shy and awkward'. This is true (apart from the just bit) but it still hurts to hear someone else say it.
His school is an academically selective independent school. For James I felt I had no choice because our catchment comp is huge with an iffy reputation and I just know he'll drown there. Although he's only 7yrs, I know he'd never pass the interview bit of the 11+ even though I'm sure he'd sail the academic bit so it was a case of getting him in before they notice the difference.
As it happens, they haven't noticed much at all but he does thrive on the academic side of school. As long as he is never wrong 
Sorry if I'm rambling, it just helps to write it all down.
Thank you both. Tabulahrasa, you post really made me sob. Not because you were mean or rude but because you are right and what I see as mild now at 7 is going to be far less mild at 12yrs. The gap is only going to get wider and his problems more noticable. It just breaks my heart.
Indigo, I will go to the GP and ask for a referral. Should I ask to see a paed? The assessments were carried out by clinical psycologists btw.
sorry
it's just that my son was about that age when he was first sent for assessment and at the time I thought well he's a bit quirky, but he's not that bad.
What I didn't realise is the stuff that was a bit quirky didn't really change as he got older.
On the plus side though - he's nearly 15 and we're in about the best place we've ever been, he's doing pretty well at school and I can kind of almost imagine him as an adult now and well he'll need support from me for a lot longer than my daughter will, but fingers crossed not forever.
A lot of his problems are caused by having to get through the school system - once that's done with I think he'll do much better.
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Hi Rosie. Yes, I do enjoy him. In fact after the assessment when my feelings were confirmed, I wasn't as terrified as you would expect I think because he is already 7yrs and I 'know' him. I think if we've had the assessment when he was 3, I'd have been very frightened. But by now I know he can do more than I would have dreamed when he was 3 if that makes sense.
What made me cry was thinking how much further behind he will become as his peers get older. But then I think about him at 10mths when he would claw at his own face, spin around and headbang just because he's eaten gluten. At that point, I was convinced he'd be far more disabled. Though I actually dont consider him disabled at all tbh. I hope that doesn't change and I'm very nervous about the teenage years.
Sorry, I'm rambling again. It's just good to get it off my chest. I will look at joining the NAS, thanks.
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