So confused with junior to secondary school transition

(5 Posts)
Justwanthertobehappy Mon 25-May-15 14:26:09

My daughter was diagnosed with aspergers in 2014, after many, many meetings/tests, etc.

She is 10 (11 in August)

She currently attends a private school who have mostly been useless regarding her aspergers. (Though they were the ones who suggested getting her looked at in the first instance)

This year with the move to secondary we applied for a place at a state school and she got in. The problem I'm facing is all of a sudden she seems to be doing 100 times better in the private school.

Her aspergers manifests as extreme OCD and problems with social skills/making friends.

A bit of background info which may or may not be relevant: I had a terrible upbringing, and have been depressed as long as I can remember. This little girl I put into private school because I wanted her t have the best she could. I have had to sacrifice many things for her to attend the school, and we currently live in a (not very nice) little flat in a not very nice area.

I live with her stepfather who has brought her up as if she is her own from a baby. He is mostly good with her but otherwise is useless. I am very unhappy in this relationship, which consists of emotional abuse and me feeling like I cannot cope. When he is good he is very, very good, but when he is bad he is awful.

When little one got into the state school I felt like it could be a new start, would be able to afford to move to a house in a decent area, and things could be different. I worried so much about taking her away from the father figure she loves but when things are so bad I just think it will be ok and is necessary. She sees his behaviour too, so she understands (as much as 10 year old can)

Things are so good at the private school right now, she is doing so well, and seems so happy I am absolutely petrified to take her away from happiness. The private school is a girls school, the state school is mixed.

After 7 years in school she finally seems to have "fit in" and seeing her happy face makes me very upset to the point of tears at removing her from there. She doesn't want to move but understands the reasons behind the move (as much as a10 year old can)

I am finding it really rough knowing the right thing to do. The paediatrician she is under said I should take her from the private school as Little one will not get the help we need from there. But, things are so much better now that I wonder if it is still the right thing to do.

If I were to leave her remain in the private school, the fees rise for secondary which mean I will struggle but can manage just about. It also means living in the flat/bad area for another 7 years, until she finishes.

I wonder if leaving her in the school so she is happy and doesn't have to contend so many changers is the correct thing to do.

If I were to take her out, we would also leave "dad" not that I would stop him seeing her, but, I suspect he would rarely bother, which I feel would be my fault, or at the very least appear to be my fault. I wouldn't have him know where I had moved, because I know what he is like and how he would behave. He has said before without me he would kill himself etc.

They are very close and spend time together every day. As I said previously he makes me very unhappy, when things are bad.

I'm so confused as to the correct way forward. Everyone around me says the state school is the best choice, help will be available should it be needed and little one will be "fine". I'm not saying she won't be ok, eventually, but it's taken 7 years for her to get to where she is, so I now pull her away from the school she loves, the father she loves?

I do struggle a lot with parenting, I'm not very maternal but I do love her and want her to be happy. Having stepfather around does mean a bit of support in some ways, but in other ways I feel we would be better without.

Just looking for some impartial advise really because I'm jumping back and forth, one minute I feel we will manage and the next I'm petrified I will ruin her happiness. Especially including the trauma of leaving the family as it is now.

Tissie Tue 26-May-15 10:26:10

You sound very confused and muddled about your daughter's needs and your own. I think she would be OK in the state school as long as nothing else changed. What you describe is a major upheaval which any child would struggle to cope with. I think you should leave her where she is for the time being and seek help for yourself. Ask your GP for some counselling.

mummytime Tue 26-May-15 10:48:21

Just move her!
Go to the new school and ask to talk to the SENCO, find out what they can do to help your DD settle in, and ask for extra transition help. Give them as much information as possible.

At the private school - at this point things will be easying off. They will have sorted out which girls are moving on and which are staying. They will probably have finished year 6 exams, and everything will be a lot less stressed. Your DD is reacting by being happier (my DD at a similar time lost it for the first time really that year - that was easier in a lot of ways).

You have been given professional advice to move her into the State system. The private school is useless with her Asperger's, and probably pushed for a diagnosis just to "let themselves off".

You also cannot afford the private school - thats fine lots of great parents can't afford private school. Private school is definitely not always better.

The next best thing you can do for your DD is get yourself some help. Get some counselling and do what is best for your mental health.

Justwanthertobehappy Wed 27-May-15 18:41:00

Thank you mummytime, you're right the exams have just finished, etc.
Thanks for taking the time to respond!

PolterGoose Thu 28-May-15 17:22:52

I agree with mummytime, move her, and look at getting out of your relationship too, I've found with my ds (also AS and just nearing end of Y7) that big change is far easier than small, so new life and new school could be really positive and beneficial in a lot of ways. You need to look after yourself too flowers

The SN Children and SN Chat boards are fab smile

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