What am I doing wrong?

(77 Posts)
stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:22:37

DD, 5 months, screams every time we put her down for a nap. She used to sleep really well overnight but now spends most of that time screaming too.

Unless - she is moving, i.e. pram, sling, car

Or in our arms.

We have been trying to put her down repeatedly for 5 months now.

She has silent reflux.

What are we doing wrong?

Flisspaps Thu 14-Feb-13 11:29:12

Nothing!

Have you tried white noise? Slightly propping up one end of the bed so she's not totally flat?

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:30:48

Yes. Yes.

Eskino Thu 14-Feb-13 11:33:18

Can't she sleep in your arms then? Sorry for being obvious but nothing's better than a peacefully sleeping baby. It won't be forever.

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:36:50

It's been 5 months. I want to have a cup of tea. Eat lunch. Go to the toilet.

She cries most of the day when she is awake. All I hear is crying.

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:38:04

This morning, I'd like a shower.

AllBellyandBoobs Thu 14-Feb-13 11:50:51

That's tough, you have my sympathy. My dd didn't have reflux but she would not sleep without being on me for about 6 months and even now at 2 she'll nap in her cot but won't spend the whole night there. She also cried a lot but thankfully that started to improve by 4 months or so. Has the doctor prescribed something for the reflux? From what I've read on here time improves the reflux but hopefully people who have experience of it will be along soon. As for your shower, just sit her in her chair outside the shower and sing to her while you're in there. She'll still cry but it won't do her any harm. Good luck

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:56:20

Yes she's got medication. I'm really struggling. I've got a friend coming over this afternoon to take her for a while. She's had a good week - the new formula & medication seemed to be working but it all fell apart last night.

She maybe slept 3 hours, us less. She just seems to hate sleep.

I've never felt so incompetent in my adult life. I feel like such a failure today.

I used to put ds1 in his bouncy chair and leave him in front of the washing machine and go for a shower or bath. He'd be asleep when I came back down again.

AllBellyandBoobs Thu 14-Feb-13 12:22:17

You are absolutely not a failure. You got less sleep than she did because you were looking after her, how can that be failing? Lack of sleep is torturous. I have a dreadful sleeper, we had a shocker last night thanks to teething so today we've watched too much tv which i used think made me a failure. I found that once I accepted dd was a poor sleeper and realised co-sleeping made the waking easier to deal with and resulted in a little more sleep for everyone, life became that little bit easier. You've got a challenging baby, it's not your fault or hers, just do whatever makes life a bit easier safe in the knowledge it won't last forever.

Frizy Thu 14-Feb-13 12:25:45

My friend's baby has reflux (8 weeks), and she bought a matress that helps baby sleep at a steeper angle (uses it in the pram as well).

It seems to be working for her.. good luck though, she will sleep eventually!

AllBellyandBoobs Thu 14-Feb-13 12:31:38

Oh, and for naps I used to either go for a long walk with her in the pram with a thermal mug full of tea and my ipod on (i couldn't stop and read or have a drink because then she'd wake up), or if the weather was bad i'd pop her in the sling and put a favourite album on and dance round the kitchen. She'd be asleep within 3 songs and i could then carefully recline on the sofa. I actually now look back on it all with fondness, plus I was fitter than I've ever been! I've piled weight on again since she's had a lunchtime nap in her cot and or walks ate done at dawdling toddler pace smile

AllBellyandBoobs Thu 14-Feb-13 12:32:55

* our walks are done... blummin' phone

In had this with DS at around 10 months - not that he ever went down brilliantly in his cot anyway, he used to sleep on me or in the car or pushchair, and I felt the same as you - I wanted to bloody get on and paint a room, or read a book or whatever. I was close to having some sort of melt-down.

Sleep specialist told me it doesn't matter where they have their day time sleep - car, pushchair, sofa, whatever, so long as they get it. DS still falls asleep in the car and I carry him in and put him on the sofa. I used to walk him in the pushchair and then wheel him in back home and collapse on the floor/sofa. He would often wake up and finish the nap on me - you just get good at making sure you can reach the remote/biscuit tin/phone.

As others say - it won't last forever. Cut yourself some slack and make it as easy as possible for you, and one day it will get better, promise. xx

KatieLily12 Thu 14-Feb-13 19:54:53

You are not a failure. You know your baby well enough to know that they need to be in your arms and they know you well enough to know they're safe there.

Reflux is exhausting. Our daughter has silent reflux and it makes sleep and feeds near impossible. Ignore the pressure to have a routine and look at small solutions. Mine are currently asking my partner to help me so I can set up breakfast & possible shower first thing then a decent sling to see me through the day. I have a packed lunch.

It's horrible as you feel everyone else is fm doing so much better than you but reflux means your baby needs much more comforting than most.

I'm glad to hear your friend came to help. That's really a sanity saver.

Ignite typos..... Guess who I have in my arms!

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 20:46:38

I ended up at the GP this afternoon. GP was very concerned about both of us grin DD's eczema has flared up badly and is weeping so new regime for that.

I do feel under pressure. To have her sleeping in her cot. To have her sleeping through the night. To have her feeding on a schedule. To have her in bed long before 11pm. To have her napping alone during the day. Well meaning friends and relatives saying if you did all this she wouldn't be so unmanageable. Just leave her to cry. I can't imagine that. She's hysterical if I go to the toilet.

ClimbingPenguin Thu 14-Feb-13 20:55:09

eczema and silent reflux, the poor thing. The world can get screwed with those pressures, if you feel you need to justify yourself then her medical conditions are your opt outs. Some babies aren't programmed to respond to CIO to get them doing those things, let alone ones with discomfort and pain.

DS (DC2) was very clingy and it is very hard. Even at 16 months he wakes every 3hours and I feed him. He is however able to play by himself now and the 9/12 month clingy phase hit him hard and took a long time to come out of. I know that may seem like ages away but she will come out of it.

He screamed if laying flat in the buggy (fun until he was old enough to sit up), screamed when in the car seat until about a year. He has eczema also. He had that cry where they get more worked up and reach melt down which takes ages to fix. Some babies get relaxed after some crying, some don't.

Have you read up on all the different reflux meds so you know which ones to try, even well meaning GPs might not know them.

BlatantLies Thu 14-Feb-13 20:55:15

No real advice other than to make sure you keep reminding yourself that it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will. I promise grin

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 21:03:10

GP decided to refer us to paediatrics today as she wasn't sure what to try next with the silent reflux.

I think I need to adjust my expectation. This is not what I thought it was going to be like. I keep think 'she should...' or 'babies are supposed to...' It's not helping.

I'm going to stay at my Aunt's on Sat night so I can get one night's sleep. First overnight away. Gulp.

ClimbingPenguin Thu 14-Feb-13 21:08:37

have you read 'why love matters' (quite a sciency book about brain development) or any attachment parenting stuff?

It's a good way of seeing there are a lot of people who don't believe in the stereotypical babies should mantra.

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 21:12:58

Yes. I have it. I read it about 3/4 years as part of my job (teacher). I had 3 children in my last class attend a nurture base part time.

ClimbingPenguin Thu 14-Feb-13 21:18:19

well done get back in touch with that side of things.

and accept any help you can, for me it was people doing my cleaning or cooking us meals not holding the baby so I could do those things.

ClimbingPenguin Thu 14-Feb-13 21:19:43

and ask for help

ClimbingPenguin Thu 14-Feb-13 21:22:52

be honest with your friends, family, random mothers at playgroup about how you are feeling. Someone told me when we are depressed the only thing that matters is your support network.

Although the random mothers can't help much practically, their concern and asking after you means a lot.

Also things like going out for a 10/20 min walk every day by yourself is a good way of giving yourself a little re-set and some alone thinking time. DH had to nearly kick me out some nights but I always felt better.

I have started a gratitude/good thing diary to help refocus myself onto the positives of what happened. By the evening we have forgotten that magical moment that happened in the morning.

Changing expectations will happen, but is a process and doesn't happen just because your rational brain tells yourself to.

HelloBear Thu 14-Feb-13 21:30:59

Currently got DS (dc2) asleep on me after ANOTHER failed attempt of getting him down at 'bedtime' ha ha ha!!! I'm surviving on about 3/4 hours sleep as he will just NOT go to sleep on his cot. It is so frustrating!!!!

He has excema also, this is part of the problem as he scratches like mad sad

We also have a rubbish sleeper 2 year old, so I have definitely done something wrong!

BUT I promise it does not last forever, you will get through this and it will be a very hazy memory. You are doing a great job, please, please, please do not beat yourself up about what you think you should/shouldn't be doing wrong. You know your child best so you are the expert.

Oh also all those people who say they have wonderful sleepers...sometimes they lie!!!!

RefuseToWorry Thu 14-Feb-13 21:45:20

Dear stargirl1701,

Well done for asking for help on this forum.

Well done for going to see your GP.

Well done for arranging to go to your aunt's for some sleep on Saturday night.

All of these things will help you to gain perspective in a potentially overwhelming situation.

When I had my 3rd child, who was my worst sleeper by far, I decided that I'd stop trying to be super-human and promised myself that if anyone offered me help, I'd take it.

I hope your GP helps you find a paediatrician who can really ease your little one's eczema and silent reflux, allowing you some precious time for that brew!

omama Thu 14-Feb-13 21:49:39

What formula is she on? Is it a prescription one? & what reflux meds is she on? With some the dosage is based on baby's weight so needs to be adjusted frequently-could her dosage perhaps need upping?

Has your gp ruled out cows milk protein intolerance (mpi) as a possible cause for the eczema & reflux?

My ds had reflux & eczema, & he had rashes appearing on his face almost daily (which got far worse once he started on solids) & like your dd he would just cry & cry & cry. It really is a hard position to be in & you mustn't think you are a failure. It is not your fault.

Everyone around me told me he was just a fussy child, that i was imagining his reflux, some babies just cry blah blah. I'm glad i stuck to my guns & pestered my gp as he finally prescribed hypoallergenic formula when ds was 8 months, i eliminated dairy from his solids & within a couple of weeks his eczema was gone & he was like a completely different child. Much happier & far more settled. If you think there is something wrong trust your instincts & push for some answers.

In the mean time, could you try wrapping her up in the pushchair & getting out for a long walk. A bit of fresh air always helped me feel much better & he would often fall asleep.
Something else to consider may be her daytime routine - if you are putting her down too late & she is overtired she is likely to get really worked up & difficult to settle, similarly if you try too soon & she is not tired enough this may also make her cry. Perhaps you could post her routine on the sleep board for some suggestions?

Or if you really want to get her settling on her own so you can have somuch needed free time, what about using a gentle technique such as gradually retreat or sssh pat to help her self settle. I wouldnt recommend this unless you know her reflux is under control though, as there may be a wee bit of crying & its not fair if she's in pain. We did sssh pat & it worked wonders for us.

Hth.x

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:05:07

Hi. She's on SMA Staydown. Meds are Ranitidine (0.9ml x3 daily - 6.7kg) and Lactulose for the constipation caused by the formula. HV thinks it may be CMPI. I saw 6 different GPs in 8 days about a week ago but I was fobbed off every time. She had a 16 hour period where she refused to eat so we ended up at OOHs. Doc there gave me syringes and told me to feed her through them. Fucking hilarious as she hates the syringe because of the other meds.

We saw the GP who diagnosed her silent reflux today (she was on holiday over the last fortnight). She was pretty concerned to hear about how things were going.

I get out with the pram every morning (even in the bucketing rain and snow - last 2 days!) It's a hardy pram built for bad weather - I can get out as long as it's above minus 10.

She has had a really good couple of days this week which makes last night and today so much harder. I can see how things are meant to be. Tbh, she was the happiest, most content I've ever known her when she stopped eating. The real dd.

stargirl1701 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:43:56

She's fast asleep on me grin

I think, tonight, that's enough. I'll just keep her with me.

KatieLily12 Thu 14-Feb-13 23:36:54

Your experience with GP sounds horribly familiar. Well done for keeping going. Our LO has also been refusing to feed. It's exhausting and really impressed with how well you've kept going

stargirl1701 Fri 15-Feb-13 09:29:38

She slept through till 8.30am. Woohoo! We co-slept the whole night.

But, it wasn't safe. So, more advice needed! I had her head propped up on my pillows so she was at an angle and I know this is dangerous. How do I create the angle she needs for reflux in our bed?

Wishiwasanheiress Fri 15-Feb-13 14:27:01

Oh Lordy this brings back memories of dd1. Yes it's unimaginable at the time. You have to rethink how u view things which is almost impossible but you really can only think in small time chunks. I started with scaling my day down to just the next 30mins. I stopped making plans. I told everyone that I didn't plan more than 24 hrs in advance. It was hell n hard for 16wks. At 17 wks for some reason I never knew she just stopped. Like turning on and off a light! Weird.

It too shall pass.... It really does. Eventually.....

minipie Fri 15-Feb-13 17:35:53

that's quite a low dose of Ranitidine for your Dd's weight I think. my DD is 5kg and is on 1ml x 3 per day, and her reflux is not that severe, so you could ask about upping the dose. Definitely worth trying hypoallergenic formula too (nutrimagen or neocate are the ones I know of) in case it is dairy allergy. they are expensive but if a trial shows that is the problem then you can get them prescribed.

apologies if you already know all of this.

this wedge might work, not cheap though. Is there any way she will sleep in a bouncy chair? If so I'd let her do that.

I have read that reflux peaks at 5 months and often gets better rapidly after that. hope that is the case for you.

stargirl1701 Fri 15-Feb-13 17:43:58

It was even lower. I begged for help last week and it was put up from 0.45ml x3 daily to 0.9ml x3 daily. She is spitting out what she can too which means we're never sure how much she gets.

She has a bouncy chair, a rocking chair and a vibrating chair (all donated by lovely friends & family) but has never slept in any of them. I count myself lucky if she'll stay in for 5-10 min so I can eat or pop to the toilet! grin

KatieLily12 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:07:09

In terms of co sleeping we have a side car cot which we elevate but she never sleeps in so I use as a side table most nights!

I use the crook of my arm actually. I know it's naughty but she has never enjoyed being in her back (makes sense with reflux) and always rolls onto her side so I just accept that. I use my arm like a pillow and wear long sleeves so we can sleep duvet free.

If the mattress isn't very firm, put a yoga mat under your sheet. Always have a guard rail as they should never be between you and your partner. Failing that, drag the mattress onto the floor so they can't roll out.

stargirl1701 Sun 17-Feb-13 19:11:46

Well, I had a lovely night until I got home. DH decided, without discussing it, to do CC and left DD to sob and scream for half an hour.

I feel totally betrayed and unable to leave again.

OrchidFlakes Sun 17-Feb-13 19:54:02

You poor thing star thanks

Here are a few things that worked for us (DS is 6 months)
-We co sleep using a regular cot bed with one lobg side removed and the cot bungeed to our bed frame, DS is safe and propped up (folded blanket under cot mattress at head end) and in arms reach for cuddles, shhhing, feeding
- cranial osteopathy... Not sure if its your thing but it worked wonders for DS, he's calmer, more settled and rarely cries. But I understand it is too woo for some people
- white noise seems to help soothe him
- offer a nap (walk/sling/feed to sleep - whatever works!) every 2 hrs by the clock. Once in a routine if napping revert to sleepy cues. DS naps every 2 hrs for 30 mins
- early bedtime (7 for us) after bath, eczema creams etc

Good luck. Give DH he'll for CC, so not fair on you when you trusted him.

It WILL get better x

ClimbingPenguin Sun 17-Feb-13 21:46:05

That would really rock me too sad

Did he stop it or did she stop crying? Was it because he couldn't cope anymore but couldn't admit it so told you that was what he was aiming to do?

stargirl1701 Sun 17-Feb-13 21:50:59

A friend came round and 'helped' him do it. She stopped after half an hour. I'm not sure i believe that. I don't know if I can trust him to tell me the truth tbh. She was screaming when I arrived home. He said not to pick her up as that was what she wanted.

FFS. She's 5 months old. Of course that's what she wants. That's not even CC!!! I'm so angry and so hurt.

OrchidFlakes Sun 17-Feb-13 21:56:34

I'd be the same star. Does he understand what's he's done and how you feel? At 5 months she is too young - can you find links to send him to drive it home what a muppet he's been?

Hold DD close and she'll be just fine in mummy's arms xx

OrchidFlakes Sun 17-Feb-13 21:58:30

I forgot to say, ice been through this with DH, he wanted to try CC at 4 months FFS!!!!- I stated my case loudly and with links. It mentions it occasionally and I send more links! grin

ClimbingPenguin Sun 17-Feb-13 22:00:08

I'm angry with you

stargirl1701 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:01:28

He accepts that he should not have done this without discussing it first. I likened it to giving up bf. I discussed it with him before we both decided it wasn't working for us.

He doesn't know anything about CC. He did it on the advice of a friend.

MeeWhoo Sun 17-Feb-13 22:08:54

I can see how you would be angry about the CC...

As for co-sleeping, could you prop the whole bed with something under the top legs to be at an angle or is the necessary angle for reflux too steep for that?

stargirl1701 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:12:43

Just sent him some links.

I doubt we could prop the bed high enough to get the angle.

I want to do what we watched my Dad do. Every time she cried, he lifted her and soothed her. Once she was content he put her back down. He probably did this 50 odd times but she was never left to cry on her own.

ClimbingPenguin Sun 17-Feb-13 22:19:11

that sounds like pick up, put down (PUPD) from the baby whisperer. Just if you have a name for it, would be easier to look it up and give info to 'D'H

stargirl1701 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:20:32

Ha! My Dad's been doing that 36 years! I'll search that, thank you.

KatieLily12 Mon 18-Feb-13 02:05:41

Oh Star I felt so upset reading this. How undermining and distressing for you let alone LO.

A friend came and helped? The same one who suggested it? I think words should be had about overstepping. That's outrageous and not a sign of a good friend at all (the under hand but, not the CC necessarily in case I cone across all pearl clutchy)

Believeitornot Mon 18-Feb-13 02:50:52

Don't do sleep training on a baby with silent reflux until you're absolutely certain that the pain is under control. CC or otherwise.

Otherwise she could be crying because of the pain.

Both of my dc had silent reflux and CMPI. I'd be pushing for hypoallergenic formula (hydrolysed stuff).

Do you have a sling? Overtiredness might be a factor too.

Can you set up the cot next to you on a slope?

Believeitornot Mon 18-Feb-13 02:51:22

When I say sleep training I mean PUPD as well

Natmu Mon 18-Feb-13 03:07:25

I did PUPD with DS1 and it worked a treat although you have to be patient. My DS2 is 5 months as well and sounds just the same as your DD. He has been diagnosed with CMPA and I'm now on a dairy free diet as I'm ebf. It has made some difference to him but he's still really unsettled. We have been co-sleeping for months now. He was on ranitidine too but has recently been changed to omeprazole which seems to work better (although he HATES it).

I haven't attempted PUPD with DS2 as I just know it wouldn't work. He can't seem to go to sleep without some form of physical contact with me. Have you tried a sling? It was my absolute life saver. He sleeps really well in the sling during the day and my hands are free to cook, Hoover etc.

My other life saver has been the High Needs Baby Support Thread on here. If you want to look it up it's in sleep (sorry I can't link I'm on my phone). You get some fantastic advice and hand holding there. Good luck, I know the pain of what you are going through.

mathanxiety Mon 18-Feb-13 03:09:41

Does any of this look familiar?

'It is important to note that only extensively hydrolyzed casein or amino acid-based formulas have official indication for the treatment of known allergic disorders. Partially hydrolyzed formula is not recommended for the treatment of allergy'

Natmu Mon 18-Feb-13 03:10:37

By the way I didn't get proper advice until I saw a paediatrician at the hospital. GP's are notoriously rubbish for things like this. We've now been referred to an allergy clinic for further testing as well so push for a hospital referral.

stargirl1701 Mon 18-Feb-13 06:50:15

I haven't slept all night hmm

I'm lying next to her cot just imagining her screaming for half an hour. Alone. She was screaming for me. And, I didn't come. No-one came.

I just feel sick, physically sick. How could anyone do this to such a young infant?

Natmu Mon 18-Feb-13 20:20:02

Stargirl you poor thing. I totally agree with you about crying it out. It wasn't your decision though so don't beat yourself up about it. It's happened once and it won't happen again I'm sure. DD will never remember the experience. It doesn't do any good to have an exhausted frazzled mummy who's wracking herself with guilt (I speak as one who knows).

How has your day been? I hope you have managed to get some rest. Have an unmumsnetty <<hug>> and I hope you fare better tonight.

stargirl1701 Mon 18-Feb-13 20:57:16

Today has been good, thank you for enquiring. I've been trying a new morning routine with DD and today she napped for one and half hours!!!! Only the third time I have ever managed to get her to nap longer than 10 minutes since she was born. I've not yet got a routine sorted for the afternoon so that's something to work on.

Tonight didn't go so well. DH struggled to follow the routine and, despite me asking, didn't want any help. So, she didn't fall asleep. I resorted to an old fall back of having her on our bed and reading boom after book till she went over. I still have to lift her for a dream feed later. We'll try getting her into her cot after that.

As for our relationship, things are strained. I think I'll be a while getting over the hurt. He is the person I trusted most in the world. He's been reading the links I sent him last night but hasn't wished to discuss anything just yet.

I really felt revived by my night away. It'll be a long time before I'll feel like that trust has been rebuilt enough to go away again.

KatieLily12 Tue 19-Feb-13 19:06:37

Things sound up and down star and I'm glad there's some good in there. What routine did you try?

My DP takes ages before he gets the routine and I have to constantly remind him not to talk/ turn lights down etc. Is that the case or deliberate resistance do you think? Would you be able to get someone to babysit so you can really talk? I know DP and I find it really hard to find time to chat things through. We often resort to naptime walks at weekend as our only chance!

stargirl1701 Tue 19-Feb-13 19:20:36

We are trying the night time routine from 'the no cry sleep solution'.

Massage with her eczema creams
Pyjamas and sleeping bag on
Read 3 books
Lights out
Lullaby CD on
Feed
Sleep grin We hope

It worked tonight. I'm rocking her now while keeping her upright for 30 min.

I don't think he is resisting, at least I hope not! He picked up the book last night and read some of it. We discussed a sleep log from it. He sent some links regarding CC (included in his email was the statement, written by him, that CC was unsuitable for babies under 6 months).

HV phoned today. She was pretty surprised to hear that DH had done this. She said we always struck her as a parenting team.

I co-slept with DD in the spare room last night. This is the worst disagreement DH & I have ever had (7 years together).

KatieLily12 Tue 19-Feb-13 20:35:20

I love NCSS. I've got LO into a 7pm bedtime. Only problem is naps and her not needing my bed time to be 7pm too!

It sounds like he's taking interest. Is he a fixer? Men often want solutions, now, do can't quite compute that babies don't quite operate that way.

Also I found having a baby has been the most unbelievable strain on our relationship. It's hard to connect when there's a tiny wiggly evil dictator in your household ;)

stargirl1701 Tue 19-Feb-13 21:06:04

He is a fixer grin

We just don't see eye to eye on this. She fell asleep after the routine tonight. DH tried to put her in her cot and she screamed. So, I picked her up and rocked her back to sleep. After she fell asleep I rolled her out of my arms onto our bed. She slept there very happily for 2 hours. DH came to try to put her in the cot again. Cue screaming. She's back in my arms. Kinda asleep.

I just don't see the issue with her being in our bed. She's tiny. He's wedded to the 'rod for your own back' and 'creating a clingy toddler' mantras.

The irony is, MIL did CC from a young age with him and he was the the poster child for clingy!

mathanxiety Wed 20-Feb-13 03:06:56

This is hard for your DH but her needs to stop what he is doing before he drives you nuts. Tell him I said so (smile).

He needs to back off completely if he can't accept your approach and he needs to deal with whatever burr is up his backside about crying babies, whatever it is that is really bothering him -- your attention elsewhere/the thought that he can and should be in control and that if he isn't the baby wins and he loses/blow to his pride when the baby can't be operated by him like the TV or the car.

The baby isn't a dictator playing with him as if he's a puppet, nor is the baby a new someone who will push him out and take you over forever.

You will absolutely not create a rod for anyone's back nor will you create a clingy toddler by doing what the baby needs right here and now. What you will do is sleep.

I have 5 DCs and all of them had issues with sleep, DD3 especially. They all managed to sleep through eventually and they were great as small children and have all grown and done very well with friends, school, etc. since then. Not clingy, not whiny, just normal children all bursting with energy and curiosity. I do not for one moment regret doing exactly what seemed to work with them when they were babies. When DD1 was 4 she told me she was going to move away from home when she was 18 and have her own apartment, cat, car, tv, and would be able to choose her own clothes ans wear her wellies any time she wanted.

KatieLily12 Wed 20-Feb-13 03:41:26

Apologies if the dictator comment offended. It was meant tongue in cheek.

I think there's an issue with the difference between how you view her cries. You see them as communication whereas he sees them as a problem. Would he read something like Sears Attachment Parenting? It focuses on the positive rather than training as is based on good research (if he's the type that needs to look it up).

In traditional non western cultures there often isn't a word for spoilt when it comes to children. They carry their babies, respond to their needs and view this as part of a journey. Attachment theory supports this and is essential to how we learn to be independent people.

I hate the rod for your own back nonsense. It's complete twaddle and undermining for good sensitive parenting. Do you have similar minded parent friends, perhaps with older children that might help him see he's being a little Neanderthal?

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 08:57:34

No. I'm afraid everyone around us, regardless of age, is a Cry It Out advocate. Early weaning too grin But, I'm standing my ground!

I got an inkling of what the issue about the weekend is. He feels he did a good job. DD was happy and he managed without me. Therefore...you're gonna love this...I should praise him!

One minute he's telling me to stop speaking to him like he's a child in my class, the next this. Grrrrr!

KatieLily12 Wed 20-Feb-13 09:40:37

Oh Lordy

Good for you for holding your ground. Let me guess, early weaning so they sleep better eh? I've had that advice twice now and both times been pretty blunt in my replies. Why are people so obsessed by how much my baby sleeps? They don't set their clocks developmentally till 14 months so everything up till then is practice. You do it so they learn but teething etc knock it all out.

Investigate some parent groups for your sanity!

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 10:38:42

I don't understand why people think I should ignore the guidance that's available. I just don't get it.

But, I'm seen as a bit odd grin I use cloth nappies, I bf, gave up then relactated (retrograde step according to MIL), we have her in our room, we are waiting till 6 months for solids, I use a sling - all a bit kooky!

KatieLily12 Wed 20-Feb-13 12:15:45

Nope, not kooky. GREAT parenting. If they get all 'its weird' or 'hippy' point out its SCIENCE. Biology and psychology supports you.

Shuts most up in my experience.

The only time I feel bad as a mother is when I'm greater with the routines and rods brigade. I have no patience for that nonsense but it does eat away at me something dreadful. I love pointing out LO has slept most of night since week 4 and sleeps right next to me as she has since was born.

You're doing great. It just seems a bit unfortunate that you're surrounded by very different parenting styles. Each to there own but sounds like you're not being left to do your thing. I'm still stunned a friend came to help your DH make a parenting change. That's unbelievably interfering. I thought in laws were bad enough!

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 12:44:31

Indeed grin Not sure how to tackle that.

Thank goodness my HV is fab!

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 15:20:52

Damn. Having a shitty afternoon. I got her to sleep on our walk this morning. Awoke as soon as we got home. Got her to sleep in the sling at lunchtime. Awoke as soon as I sat down. Won't sleep now. Screaming again.

Why does she hate sleeping? Why?

I'm crying too. hmm

KatieLily12 Wed 20-Feb-13 19:43:16

star she's just taking her time to learn what we all know: sleep is awesome. Some babies really do just take longer.

You're doing a great job xx

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 19:50:08

Thank you grin We did the routine (on my own tonight) and she feel asleep quickly. She's lying on our bed again. I'm bloody starving though - hope DH comes home soon!

Thank you grin

KatieLily12 Wed 20-Feb-13 21:12:56

My LO sleeps by 7 now which is amazing but she sleeps on me. We just got a pram and are practicing her sleeping in there and in the crib rather than just on me or on me in the sling. Hoping we can start having a go in the evenings.

BecAndAlex Wed 20-Feb-13 21:15:10

Sounds tough, but you are certainly not a failure. I don't have a lot of experience of these things, but my friend had a bad time with both her children. Have they ruled out lactose intolerance?? Eczema and reflux can go hand in hand with lactose intolerance. Maybe trying a lactose free / hydrolysed formula may work??

Everything is much harder to deal with when you are tired, so take all the help you are offered. If you can sleep everything will feel less stressful. Do you have help at home? Could you and your partner / DH work on a rota, or give you weekend nights off??

It will pass, and you will look back in years to come and be proud of yourself for getting through it xx Hope it all settles down soon x

mathanxiety Thu 21-Feb-13 15:19:10

Have you managed to make any headway towards seeing a pediatric allergist?

stargirl1701 Thu 21-Feb-13 16:21:57

We have been referred to a paediatrician by the GP. Just waiting for the appointment... I want to ask about CMPI & lactose intolerance as the reflux + eczema could be an intolerance. Just waiting...

And going mad grin

It's been a better day today but an awful night last night - 2 hours sleep hmm

Orenishii Thu 21-Feb-13 17:28:37

Stargirl i feel for you but i just wanted to say that you've had some great advice on this thread, and your instincts for your approach is ENTIRELY what your DD needs. I know it's hard, that lack of space, and i have a four month old asleep on me right now. Really do look into getting a bedside cot - we use the Gulliver from Ikea (£60). One side comes off and it's wedged between the wall and our bed. Early evenings, he's on me but I take him up at 10.30 and we go to sleep holding hands.

As for creating a rod for your own back/clingy child? Utter rubbish. Tell your DH to read the Continuum Concept. Children that know they have a secure base from which to explore, knowing they have the loving arms of their parents to return to, are much more secure creating wider independence.

Chin up love. It will not be forever. Co sleep, enjoy it, keep her close, create that bond and trust and know that she'll be in her own bed much sooner than you think...or maybe end up wanting smile

stargirl1701 Thu 21-Feb-13 19:40:49

Thanks O! I'm feeling more positive today. HV phoning tomorrow to see how things have been. I've got my afternoon mums coffee and one mum there has experience of silent reflux. Her DS had it. She's having a much easier time with her DD grin

Just listening to DD scream with DH for the last 20 min and trying to stay downstairs. My night off grin

KatieLily12 Tue 12-Mar-13 10:44:20

Just wondering how things are going now Star?

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