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I feel like a failure - 8 week DS sleeping gets worse

51 replies

Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 06:02

Hi I've posted before about my DS (now 8 weeks) who gets overtired easily. In the days I've been battling to make sure he doesn't get overtired and gets all of his naps. We've also introduced a bedtime routine to try and relax him.

However instead of getting an improvement, my DS's night sleeping has gone out the window the last week or so. Day 2 of his bed routine saw him stay awake from 7pm til 5am with the odd 30 min sleep here and there (achieved through swaddling/White noise/rocking etc. You name it, we tried it - even taking him out in the sling at 3am!!!!). This obviously wore him out so DS has been sleeping even more in the day. Since then the nights have been similar - although he has a proper awake period at about 1am where attempts to settle result in him screaming in frustration so we give up and play with him til he gets tired.

I'm getting increasingly depressed as nothing works in getting DS into a night time pattern - he was much better before 5/6 weeks. I thought he would get
more alert in the day but being overtired means he just wants sleep. A nighttime routine doesn't work (I've tried baby massage too which relaxed him but no sleep improvement).

I know this will pass but part of me thinks it won't. I think I'm boring my dh with my tears as I feel physically unable to manage DS at night as the emotional strain of trying to keep DS chilled in the day is too much.

Has anyone got any coping strategies? I genuinely think my baby is the worst I know during the nights - comparing him to others I know, he just doesn't sleep properly at night. Also in the day he just sleeps so much and can only stay awake an hour at a time - yet I was at a mum and baby gathering and their babies were all awake whilst mine just slept the whole time.

This is a long ramble so sorry. But I feel utterly useless and don't know what I'm doing wrong. DS isn't ill, he's putting on weight etc and seems happy in the day (when he is awake that is)! Why have I made him such a bad night baby?

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seeker · 29/11/2009 06:59

It sounds as if you're not doing anything wrong - except perhaps trying a bit too hard. He's still very very little - what happens if you just let him sleep and wake when he wants to? Forget about routines and just go with him for a say or two? He is growing and developing all the time - he may just not have developed the bit of brain that does night/day yet.

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daisyj · 29/11/2009 07:10

Poor you, you must be completely exhausted. I think seeker's advice is good, though. In this kind of situation it's hard to remember how tiny they still are because 8 weeks feels like 8 months! One friend of mine's dd had a 1pm to 1am 'schedule' for the first few months, but at least it was two 12-hour cycles, iyswim. So she and the baby had 'night time' from 1 in the morning till 1 in the afternoon and she very gradually brought it forward till it was 8-8. So maybe, if you sense at all that your ds is tending to sleep more in a particular 12 hour period, you could try beginning a bedtime routine at the start of that.

I would still persist with the bedtime routine, in any case, as things will get easier and then the bedtime routine will be something familiar to both of you and will come in handy.

Good luck, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 08:10

Thank you. The bed time routine is not at a set time - we go with DS and do it when he's awake after his evening feed. In fact his whole day I go with him and he naps when he wants. I also let DS decide what time the day starts.
Thinking about if, it's at night after about 10pm that we try and get him to sleep and "force" it as that's our bedtime.
I have a feeling that the bed time we set him is too early and he's not finished his day yet.
I'm being hard on myself as DH has to go to work and the nights kill him. So i try desperately to help DS in the day (slinging him so he gets decent sleep when he looks tired and slowing down exciting play before it gets too much). And when it's not working, I get upset!
It is only 8 weeks and boy it feels like 8 years! x

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daisyj · 29/11/2009 08:16

Sounds like you are doing really well, honestly, and I know it's hard when you're trying to keep at least one of you sane. Do you have the option for your DH to sleep in another room two or three nights a week, so you don't have to worry about disturbing him? That's what we did, and it really helped both of us. Just a thought. Worth bearing in mind, too, that a lot of babies really do start to settle into more obvious patterns around three months.

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blue22 · 29/11/2009 08:35

I know exactly how you feel. DD is 10 weeks old, and it's so hard not to feel as if you're missing something really obvious to get them to sleep long stretches at night.
I've definitely found it helps to get DP to sleep on sofabed in other room. I BF so he can't do feeds, and that way at least he's not tired in day so can take DD for a walk or drive to give me a break (she tends to drop off in car seat, or car seat on travel system).
Also, last night I put her in her cot in her own room - I know it's against advice, but she looks so big and uncomfortable in basket, and she slept MUCH better. I obviously slept a lot worse as was checking on her every 2 minutes, but I really think she enjoyed being able to spread out a little bit. Swaddling has never been for her - she really doesn't like it. HTH

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arolf · 29/11/2009 08:48

sounds EXACTLY like my 9 week old DS igglybuff - he slept a bit better unti;l about 5 weeks, then went to sleeping a max of 1 hour at a time for a week or so, before getting it up to 2 hours for a further (now) 3 weeks. The other night he did 3 hours in a stretch and I felt like a new person for having such a long sleep!
during the say, we're lucky if he manages a 30 minute stretch, so I can't catch up then.

Are you co-sleeping? we are (well, co-in bedding, there isn't a huge amount of sleeping!). our cot seems to be a magical baby waking device sadly. we've also introcduced a dummy (although i was vehemently against them pre-DS ), and that is helping a bit between feeds. however, we have tried 3 different brands of dummy before finding one he doesn't spit out in disgst! (he likes the MAM brand it seems - tommy tippee he rejects now, I think it's too small for his mouth - he's a big baby!). swaddling him infuriates him, although he was having a horrible screaming fit yesterday and a really tight swaddle helped calm him down for a wee while.

otherwise, nothing much I can say except that i know how you feel! now, DP has just said he'll take DS for an hour or two so I can sleep, so I'll be off

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newkiwi · 29/11/2009 08:52

It sounds like you are doing pretty well with an 8 weeks old to me. I don't remember getting into a proper routine for a while after that.

I'm in New Zealand and here they really pushed us to use a three hour routine in the early days. They also made a big deal out of not getting the babies overtired. But they say that NO baby should be up more than 1 to 1 and 1/4 hours at a time. After this, they are over tired and harder to get to sleep.

So after a lecture from my kiwi HV (she really, really did not approve of me!), I started this routine:

3 hourly feeds during the day (ideally 7 to 7 lol, that rarely happened....)

After each feed watch DD like a hawk for tired signs (jerky legs, avoiding eye contact, yawning is last sign) and get her straight into bed at that point. Sure enough, these signs appeared about an hour after she woke up. We stuck to the 1 hour thing till she was at least 4 months.

By three months we moved to a four hour routine which was so much easier.

It's only a suggestion but it really worked for me. You could try this to reset things- at least you'd get 2 hours at a stretch at night. But remember, all babies cry a bit. And most mums would be jealous of a sleeping baby!

Good luck and hang in there.

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 08:53

DH does sleep in another room - however I normally have a mini breakdown by 1am so he comes through to settle DS (as he is usually rooting for food as I've got boob but calms down quicker with DH as he's not hungry. Giving him boob as comfort just means he's sicks it all up )

DS sleeps with me - he gets half of the kingsize bed! I've noticed that when he rouses in the night, he'll go back to sleep (when he's having a rare long sleep) once he catches sight of me.

I've thought about putting him down in the cot at least at the start of the night and having the cot right next to my side of the bed - but I'm scared of having to deal with that as well as broken nights!

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 09:01

Hi arolf - I've seen one of your threads elsewhere and think our babies were seperated at birth!!

We've tried a dummy and I too was anti dummy (still am a bit!). I'll investigate other brands as DS spits it out in disgust which I secretly am pleased with, although not at 3am when I'm desperate! It's reassuring though to know I'm not alone.

Newkiwi I watch DS for tiredness and have managed most days to catch him - although if we go out I cant always manage it. Unfortunately DS is not a three hourly feeder - well he sometimes goes that long if he has a two hour nap but it's still every two to two and a half hours (I'm BF)

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newkiwi · 29/11/2009 09:11

Igglybuff- I BF as well - is that 2 hours from the start of one feed to the start of the next? Or two hours from the end of one to the start of the next? My DD could easily take an hour to feed in the early days which was exhausting. I fell asleep feeding her quite a lot.

Other thing nazi HV told me was that babies take 3 hours to digest food, so they should go 3 hours from the start of one feed to the start of the next if they get a good feed. After the first few weeks anyway. Not so confident of that piece of advice, sounds like it could be folk law. But my DD was like clockwork- to within 10 mins and it did make planning a lot easier.

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Anifrangapani · 29/11/2009 09:12

Mine ( now nearly 5yo - so you can tell how scared I was after it all), used to be like that. Fortunately he was our second so we knew it wouldn't last.

For the first few weeks babies are more awake during the night - something to do with the hormones released in the milk so my HV told me... we coped by dh sorting our dd out and I slept when the Kracken wasn't awake. Something that made a big difference was that I didn't "play" with him at night... just changed him, fed him and put him back in bed (again helpful advice from the HV).

It does get better. The good news is that the Kracken now sleeps really well. When he gets tired he takes himself to bed and goes to sleep - 8pm on the dot. You can set your clocks to him.

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 09:19

Newkiwi yep it's two hours from the start. The problem when he goes longer is that he does get a good feed but he really guzzles, takes in loads of air and gets wind! Plus he chokes and makes a right mess.

anifranga - I'm laughing at the Kracken. We call DS the Beast... Last night we didn't play as such, just let him have a kick to burn off excess energy - changing his nappy really excites him if he's awake - his face lights up at seeing ours and he produces massive smiles.... Bless.

I know I have to accept this will pass but I do think I could do something to speed it up... Will try less interaction during night changes and move his bed time routine to one of his later feeds so he gets more chance to play and resets his clock...

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newkiwi · 29/11/2009 09:22

Gawd- you must be knackered! A lot of boys seem to be hungrier than girls.

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 09:35

Yep! But better than 1/1.5 hours before!!! I'm just a pair of boobs to my DS! he is a big lad too (13lb 11oz at 7 weeks)

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fufulina · 29/11/2009 09:36

Hi Igglybuff - I second newkiwi. I read somewhere that newborns can't really manage more than 2 hours awake although my DD didn't manage more than an hour and a half awake until she was about 4 months old. And she fed every 2-2 and a half hours in the day until she was 6 months old. And like you - her sleeping got worse at about 7/8 weeks. I was lulled into a false sense of security as she was a sleepy newborn... I now realise most are! (She was my first). I thought she'd just get 'better' over time. She did get better over time and started doing longer stretches (6 hours or more), but not until about 12/13 weeks. And then regressed again and then got better and then terrible - and on and on until she started sleeping through (6 til 6) at 8 and a half months. She's 11 months now.

In hindsight - I stressed way too much about it in the early days (I don't know a single mum who didn't!), and 8 weeks is teeny teeny tiny. You sound like you're doing all the right stuff anyway - and I definitely second the 'boring night time' thing. As soon as I could I BF and did all her nappy changes in the dark at night. I think she barely woke up.

We went away at 10 weeks for a weekend to see friends and I remember by then she was reliably down by 7 for bed. Although even 2 weeks previously, DH would get in from work at 9 and we'd both be sitting on the sofa wide-eyed and exhausted... It changes so quickly.

Have rambled. V sorry. Upshot is things change all the time and it will pass!

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fufulina · 29/11/2009 09:40

PS: Don't worry about what other people say as well - they lie. Often not intentionally but your definition of a good night may be completely different to someone else's. My NCT group were brilliant - and we were all completely honest about sleeping. It turns out the babies were almost identical in their patterns. Bar one who did sleep through from very young (about 12 weeks) - with the help of some controlled crying. Not my choice at all - but horses for courses and all that.

And ignore ignore ignore people who say their baby slept through from 6 weeks/12 weeks, etc. You forget! The only reason I know what DD was doing at 6 months in the night is because I wrote it down to try and see some sort of pattern! Or I'd also be telling people that she was great - at that point she was up for 3 or 4 feeds a night and waking at about 5.30 for the day. Nightmare for about 4 weeks. I was constantly on the sleeping threads on MN. The only thing that kept me sane!

Anyhoo - you could talk to my MIL. Apparently DH didn't wake up in the night ever! From the day they got home from hospital... . As I said - people forget...

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 09:44

fufulina you give me hope! I think our bedroom is too exciting for DS so need to invest in a night light. We use a lamp for night wakings but DS can still make out the wallpaper (a feature wall seemed like a good idea two years ago...) and other things which excite him. I can't BF in the dark yet....

Poor DS is tired again so having a lie in... Giving me time to make myself breakfast - there is a silver lining when he's like this I guess!!

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fufulina · 29/11/2009 09:51

The BF in the dark thing just suddenly happens - before I could though - I'd turn on the hall light, rather than a light in the bedroom to try and do everything in minimal light. Also - we're in London so there's a LOT of ambient light at night anyway and it's never really dark IYSWIM.

But do have hope. It does pass. And try not to worry about it or have expectations. I found when I just expected the worst I was far more able to cope with it rather than thinking 'tonight will be the night she sleeps through for 14 hours!' (ridiculous I know) and she's be up after 3 hours and I'd be devastated. And MN is a godsend!

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 09:53

Ah fufu I do have my suspicions about the NCT babies I know. Without sounding all martyr like, I tell the truth about how hard I find it, only to get back "x sleeps like a dream, only one night feed blah blah blah". Damn them all.

And MIL... Well she doesn't remember the nights although FIL does - he made me laugh when he said nothing works after MIL talked about schedules etc. And my mum claims I was a good baby, never cried etc. Alas I don't believe her either!

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 10:11

I'm in London too so I'll keep the lights and see what happens!
I'm going to have to lower my expectations - tonight I'll be happy if DS settles by 5am!

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IsItMeOr · 29/11/2009 10:12

Igglybuff you've had some good advice here, but I wanted to add that - finances permitting - given you sound as desperate as we were at that stage you might like to look into Night Nannies. Not a cheap option, but one or two nights a week really helped save our sanity when DS was going through his ultra-bad sleeping phase (6-13 weeks) as opposed to just his bad sleeping phase (5-83/4mo and counting). The night nanny was also able to help us stop just doing the same things we had established when he was really struggling (white noise, swaddling, DH and I shift-sleeping, etc) and get him into his cot and us back into our own bed together at 13 weeks. Otherwise we might still be doing it all now.

But it is tough, tough, tough while it lasts and feels like it will be forever. It will get better eventually.

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we3kingbeat23oforientare · 29/11/2009 10:20

Hi Iggly,

Ah sleep, a well remembered thing!!

Sounds like you are doing everything right. I was SOOOOO anti-dummy before I had DD, I thought it was lazy parenting!! (doh!!)

I agree with the things that people are saying here. DD was a night baby and loved being awake at night, but low lighting and also the BABYTV channel at night (oh, am i bad mummy using the lazy parenting guide ) wa a good help. They do a piece with classical music and simple graphics. Alternatively if you have a lava lamp and some classical music then you can do it yourself. Not talking whilst doing the nappy change and have a low light/nightlight helps.

DD sleeps through most nights now, but still wakes occasionaly and she is now 8mo. She still wakes with a moan, but as you say, once she realises she isnt alone, then she feels better.

Dont beat yourself up, your DS is only 8 weeks and youre doing all the right things.

Stay strong...king and mini-king (should that be princess??x

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we3kingbeat23oforientare · 29/11/2009 10:22

Iggly, I'm in London too....if you ever want a meet up let me know!!

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 10:22

IsItMeOr thanks although not sure we can afford!! When you say they stopped you doing the same things, what did they change? I'd be interested to know!

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Igglybuff · 29/11/2009 10:27

We3king I may well take you up on the offer! I'm a southern londoner.

Im going to send DH to buy a night light.... He may raise an eyebrow at the lava lamp

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