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Just need some comfort and support

37 replies

Verso · 24/02/2009 04:29

DD1 was a terrible sleeper - didn't sleep for more than about 45 minutes, maybe 90 minutes at a push, round the clock, until she was eight months old. By a year, she slept beautifully and has done ever since.

DD2 - a better sleeper from the word go... doing maybe three hours at a stretch pretty early on. Then a few weeks ago she did up to six hours, and then five hours, for three nights. I was over the moon!

However, apart from those three blissful nights she wakes every hour on the hour from 11pm onwards, having gone down beautifully at 6:30-7pm and done a stretch of four or so hours.

I am a wreck. My DH doesn't really understand. I went to the doctor yesterday and wept and he has prescribed antidepressants...

DD2 is exclusively breastfed. She is three months old today. My Mum thinks I should put her on formula (yawn). I won't. I don't feed her every time she cries, unless she's going through a growth spurt. I do leave her to self-settle if I think she will, but sometimes she just can't. DD1 wouldn't take a dummy, but I use a dummy from time to time with DD2 - and make sure it's out of her mouth before she falls "properly" asleep.

I'm not doing anything differently at the moment from when she was doing six hours in a row... so please don't tell me what I "should" be doing. I believe babies just learn how to sleep in their own time, no matter what books we read to the contrary.

What I want is comfort. Understanding from people who REALLY know what sleep deprivation feels like, and who won't joke about "it's a form of torture you know". Yes I DO KNOW. I AM EXPERIENCING IT AT THE MOMENT. I FEEL SICK WITH EXHAUSTION. It makes me feel so worthless and like I am the least cared-for person in this family. No one would care if I collapsed. But because I somehow manage to keep going day in, day out, everyone thinks I'm fine. I'm not!

I asked DH if he and Mum could share a night maybe once a week (he couldn't do a whole night as he has MS) - and he said he didn't think my Mum would be able to do the 2am-7am shift as it's too hard . Ok she's quite elderly, but it's amazing how no one else can be put through the pain of what I go through EVERY NIGHT.

I said to him that even if she did those five hours once a week, SHE COULD GO HOME AND SLEEP DURING THE DAY (she's retired). I can't do that! If DD2 is awake, SO AM I!

No one gets it. The relentless slog of 24/7 babycare. This was a much-wanted baby (after two miscarriages) but I really wonder whether she was a huge mistake .

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Othersideofthechannel · 24/02/2009 04:48

Oh poor you.

I got so tired with no.2 that I got stress related exczema all over my body and had to go on steroids to clear it up.

Have you tried the following?

Go to bed at the same time as your eldest and get your DH to do the evening slot. (Not much of a life but sleep is sooo important)

Get your MIL to take your eldest child off your hands out of your house a couple of afternoons a week so you can sleep whenever baby is asleep in the day. You'll need to learn to switch off and fall asleep quickly so that if she sleeps for 45 minutes in the day you can get a 20 minute power nap. A relaxation CD did the trick for me.

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SuperBunny · 24/02/2009 05:48

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what to suggest. I toughed it (being woken 3, 4, 5+ times a night) out til 17 months when it almost killed me. I wish I were exaggerating So, I DO understand. But I don't know the solution. FWIW, once they settle into a decent sleep pattern, you seem to forget just how awful it was. It WILL get better.

I don't suppose there is any chance of you getting a maternity nurse a couple of times is there? Someone who can get up with DD2 so you can have a night's sleep? My friend did this (her mum paid as a new baby gift) and it made her feel so much better.

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angrypixie · 24/02/2009 06:02

Just popping in with tea and sympathy. It is a vile and painful death (at least it feels that way)

I agree about the maternity nurse (although appreciate the cost might be prohibitive) She will give you a break and perhaps see something that in your sleep deprived state you have missed???

Feel for you x

PS AT the risk of ruining the tea and sympathy bit I do think elderly mothers are excused the graveyard shift.

Sorry x

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JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 24/02/2009 06:16

big hugs!!!!!!!!

I remember sitting in the gp's surgery sobbing my heart out, all because I hadn't had a decent night's sleep in far too long.

But I don't actually remember those nights now. And so it will propbably be with you one day. It might take a little time but it WILL get better.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of other advice but I did want to sympathise. The only practical thing I can think of is would/could your Mum take DD2 for a bit during the day once (or twice?) a week so that you can get some sleep then?

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JustKeepSwimming · 24/02/2009 06:18

Verso - been near enough to your position. looking back it doesn't seem so bad but at the time? i was on my knees, couldn't function properly during the day and sleep was the ONLY thing i could think/talk about.

i agree with your theory about your MIL but if she won't do it you have to accept it i'm afraid.
you have to find something she can & will do. and learning the art of falling asleep quickly is important (i still can't do this & it's so frustrating).
but grabbing every opportunity to lie down in a quiet room helps.
sod the housework, etc. it's probably not getting done properly atm anyway.
also sod trying to spend the evening with your DH, you're probably not great company atm anyway (i wasn't).
just 'get through every day'
(my ds1 was better than your dd1 but ds2 didn't sleep properly until 10.5 months).

this too shall pass

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angrypixie · 24/02/2009 06:29

But, perhaps she could have your dc during the day for a few hours so that you could!

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Verso · 24/02/2009 07:12

thanks everyone

MIL is 300 miles away so not an option

guess I have to suck it up

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lulu05 · 24/02/2009 08:28

Verso, so sorry. The sleep thing is a killer but I also get where you are coming from with the 'relentlessness' of it all. The ADs might help a bit but when I am having a particularly dark day (one where I think a second child was a mistake) I try and step back from it and look at the big picture. You know (your DD1 did) DD2 will sleep better, that you have given your DD1 something wonderful (a sibling) and that if you are happy with 2 DCs you will never have to do this again.
I think you are marvelous not to be looking for answers to your sleepless nights and believing that your DD will get there in the end. you must be a very lovely mum.

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JustKeepSwimming · 24/02/2009 08:33

Sorry Verso, misread OP, thought you said DH & his mum.

So your mum, ask her what she will realistically cope with. accept whatever she can offer.
use that to get as much rest as possible.

See if you can 'book' her in for an our or so every few weeks/every week. then you can have some time to look forward to.

i found having time off in the future almost as helpful as time off, iykwim.

I don't know if your DH works but when he's got a day off (weekend?) see if he can at least take DD1 off your hands for a bit (sorry not sure what he can manage). or try to resettle dd2 for one half of the night, if you can, try to set a time after which you will feed her, midnight? and he is in charge until then.
might work.

or just come on here and scream and shout a bit, i find that helps too

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RaspberryBlower · 24/02/2009 08:38

Much sympathy to you. When you're in the relentless phase, it's so hard to see beyond it. It's bloody awful. The thought of going through it all again almost puts me off ttc dc 2.

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Othersideofthechannel · 24/02/2009 08:55

Yes, I too misread OP and didn't realise it was your mum who lived nearby.

In my childbirth preparation class we were taught relaxation and told to try to nap during our pregnancies. Such a useful piece of advice.

Afte going through such extreme tiredness, I have vowed to get up in the night and early mornings as a grandparent from time to time to help out. I do hope I have the energy and haven't forgotten how hard it can be.

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tinierclanger · 24/02/2009 09:16

Poor you, it is terrible and I really feel for you.

Nobody needs to make assumptions about what your mum can do - ask her. You are right, she can always sleep in the day. I know my mum would do this for me and she's getting on a bit too! If it proves too much, at least you have tried. You need every bit of help you can get.

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Verso · 25/02/2009 06:58

I've asked her, and she said yes, she will split a night with DH. DH also tried to do the earlier part of last night for me, but despite earplugs I thought I heard DD2 in the middle of the night and went upstairs - in the process I woke him up so he's none too pleased this morning.

I took over the night shift from midnight and was up at 1am, 2am, 3am 4am, 4:30am and 5:30am - DD2 up and ready to start the day with a feed at 6am. At least I got three hours' sleep from 9pm to midnight .

It's horrible. It's making me irritable, weepy and irrational. I'm snapping at DH and I feel less than glowing towards my DDs, which isn't fair on anyone.

Does anyone know if the tablets will help take the edge off how I'm feeling? I'm confused as to whether it really IS PND, or if I'm just (just!) physically and mentally exhausted.

superbunny I have had a maternity nurse a couple of times, which was great, but it was an extravagance I can't afford to keep doing indefinitely. She's coming again on Friday though, thank God.

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maisie215 · 25/02/2009 09:05

This sounds so so tough for you. I have a four month old who isn't a great sleeper at times. Last night he too was up every hour or so but some nights he does do longer stretches. I was just wondering if you have thought about using the dummy for sleep. YOu say you take it out before she is properly asleep but maybe it is worth it to just leave her with it. My DS has a dummy which I was very reluctant to start using but TBH it makes the nights a bit easier. If he is awake he usually takes the dummy and falls back asleep again. As far as I'm concerned it is a risk worth taking (in terms of needing it to sleep)if it means when they do wake up all it takes is popping the dummy back in. Half the time I practically do this in my sleep!

Hope things get better for you.

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Katharine19 · 25/02/2009 14:52

you poor thing. I have SOOO much sympathy - am I only have 1 ds, so I could at least rest in the day a bit. Nothing really to add except HUGE hugs, and that I agree completely that they get there in their own time. DS is 10 months, and we've just had 3 unbroken nights in the last week - it can and will get better.

He went through a horrific stage at about 3 - 4 months, awake for hours in the night. Our friends lent us a rocking crib (he had just grown out of moses basket) - I put it next to the bed and just rocked it with my foot, and sometimes that was enough to send him back off to sleep without me getting up.

Hope things improve and that the maternity nurse can give you a break
x

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Verso · 25/02/2009 20:19

Thanks for the sympathy - it really helps to know I'm not alone. I can cope with the days - just - (though I have just burnt dinner because I forgot about it as my memory is completely messed up) - because I find things to do and people to see and keep cheery and active but the nights come and I start getting this creeping dread - no other way to describe it - and anxiety and fear and it's just horrific and I don't know if I can keep on doing this for months and months and months like I did with DD1 but what else can I do if she needs to be comforted or fed or whatever? How the hell am I supposed to survive this?

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calaminecovered · 25/02/2009 20:25

I really feel for you! dd2 is 11 weeks and I thought I was starting to get to grips with the new arrival but this week she is such hard work and I feel like crap again. I dread the evenings approaching but I also dread the day as she hardly naps unless on me and screams if she's put down. She is also a nightmare with feeding which doesnt help my anxiety because I am constantly worrying if she is getting enough! I can't beleive I still feel like such a novice with my third baby! The one thing that keeps me going is that I know from the last two that at some point it will get easier! Sending lots of hugs your way x.

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SnowlightMcKenzie · 25/02/2009 20:26

Verso You say you don't feed her every time she cries. Please do, especially in the day time. It may help her be less tired at night.

Secondly either put her to bed when you go (so you get a four hour stretch) or go to bed when she does (so you get a four hour stretch). If you are not sleeping those magic four hours then imo it is wasted. Use it to get your own rest.

hth

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SnowlightMcKenzie · 25/02/2009 20:31

less 'hungry' at night - doh!

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Skimty · 25/02/2009 21:12

Verso, it's that sick dry feeling in your mouth and the thumping headache and the listlessness so you're too tired to go to bed. You're not even tired any more, just in a zombified state.

I really do understand. Both of mine are waking up through the night and I am sick of it. I have no idea what to do, nobody will help me, I don't have a break, people just mutter platitudes, I'm now getting scared to drive.

I want someone to give a shit and realise that it's been weeks since I've had 3 hours sleep in a row and yet I'm still supposed to function like a normal human being.

DS is 2.5 and sleeps almost as badly as DD (5 months). I've just come back from the GP, he's told me that he's clearly sleep deprived and if it continues he'll have real problems but there's nothing he can do except refer me to the health visitors who have been a pile of shit.

Anyway, you're not alone!

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Skimty · 25/02/2009 21:14

Don't think about the future - it will send you mad. You'll cope because you can.

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Verso · 26/02/2009 05:15

snowlight I used to feed DD1 whenever she cried and she just got into a pattern of snacking and snoozing round the clock - for eight months. I won't make that mistake a second time, sorry.

This way, at least she naps during the day and then has one big-ish block of sleep at night.

sorry if I sound angry but I did say I didn't want advice.

I AM angry because I've been up again all night. i've had 3hrs and 7 minutes of sleep - the early part of the night. I would go to bed after the bedtime feed but (D)H gets huffy about it.

Mind you I am pretty much suicidal at this point. I did in fact consider throwing myself in front of a train last week but couldn't do it to my babies. Left the house, stormed up the road (DD2 was in the house with Mum) and got to the station... but ended up going to town and getting a decaff and coming back.

skimty I have days where I don't drive either. I really really really know how you feel. Where do you live? Maybe we could split shifts with each other?

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Verso · 26/02/2009 05:21

and I shoukldhave said "I don't feed her every time she cries IN THE NIGHT" sorry I wasn't precise but my brain is mush

Of course I feed my baby/ I am horrified that you could accuse me of not feeding her. I feed her and she is gaining weight really well. I just WILL NOT set up a pattern of snack-snooze-snack during the night. I WILL NOT.

I have been there before and it was hellish. This time she gets a good feed - 30-45 minutes if she likes - and then goes down to sleep beautifully. I know she can do it because she does it in the early part of the night.

sorry I am ranting but I am so hurt that you could think I would deliberately ignore her hungry cries .

Have you ANY IDEA how patronising and condescending your "please do" is? Like I don't know how to nourish my own child. Please leave this thread and take your unwanted "help" elsewhere.

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JustKeepSwimming · 26/02/2009 08:32

Verso - my one comment would be SOD YOUR DH!

If you went to bed when she did (& pissed him off, so what!) you could get a few hours sleep, then maybe get another block after the first feed, then grab whatever minutes you can from there.

You would feel so much better for getting those extra hours, this would make you happier, keep you away from that train station , etc.

Tell your (D)H to take a running jump about getting pissed off. silly man!

some more ((hugs)) and sympathy for you.

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SnowlightMcKenzie · 26/02/2009 09:15

Verso Goodness me. I didn't intend any hurt. My response wasn't to patronise you, or suggest you aren't doing your very best for your children, only to imagine that you probably don't know whether you are coming or going and to remind you of what you might be able to do to help.

Your OP did say you didn't want advice, but your examples suggested it was the harsher techniques that you were unprepared to try. Sorry that I got this wrong, and sorry that I upset you. It is the last thing you need at the moment and I feel quite bad if I'm honest.

I won't offer any more advice or suggestions as I feel I have broken your trust, however JustKeepSwimming talks sense.

Here's wishing you a quick passage through this phase and good luck.

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