Calling all bed-sharers: advice needed (FrannyandZooey out there?)

[commanderchaos]

Ok. So I just read Jackson's Three in a Bed and am completely persauded that it's the only thing to do with baby no. 2 (due in June). Regretting I didn't do it with DS, but there you go. DH completely supportive. I have some (naive, probably) questions and would like your advice.

1. our DS (2.6 months) has started coming into our bed and we are both happy to continue, especially with the reassurance that we are sure he will need when baby is born. But how do we make sure we can protect the baby if he/she is sleeping with me? I had thought: baby on the outside, then me, then DH, then DS on the other outside.
   
2. Floated with idea of co-sleeping with my ma - who is sceptical and worried about me squashing baby. I am sure it will be ok but still....'just imagine how you'd feel..'. Any advice on dealing with that one. A bit of reassurance, really.

[fryalot]

hi. We co-slept with both of our littlies and the bed does get a bit small as they grow, but we did it the way you suggest.

As dd2 got bigger and older, she gravitated towards the middle so it went: ds(baby) on the outside, then me, then dd2 then dp.

As for your second question... there is no answer really. She is sceptical and nothing you can say will make her change her mind. So, tbh I wouldn't bother trying. Either tell her that this is what you are doing, and that's that, or try not to mention it at all.

I have no regrets about co-sleeping with our two.

Good luck
xx

[arewethereyet]

Hi. We share a bed with our 5 month old, have done since she was a couple of weeks, and really enjoy it; it has made bedtime a pleasure and not a trial. I also loved 'Three in a bed" and found it very good at combating a lot of the criticism I have encountered - maybe you could get your mum to read it?
good luck and enjoy

[policywonk]

Re. squashing the baby - there are some basic safety rules about co-sleeping: neither you nor your partner should be smokers, neither of you should be in any way inebriated (drunk/stoned), and neither of you should be on medication that makes you sleep heavily. Provided that these parameters are met, co-sleeping is as safe as any other method.

My top tip would be to get a big enough bed. For two adults and a baby, superking-sized; if you're going to have your toddler in with you too, I'd go for the family bed (superking/kingsize mattress plus single mattress next to each other on the floor, plenty of duvets (NOT for baby) and pillows for all).

The more space you have, the easier it will be to work out a configuration that works for all four of you.

Godd luck - I love co-sleeping!

[GColdtimer]

can I ask, when you co sleep, what do you do about bedtime? does the baby go to bed the same time as you or do you put the baby down in your bed before you go up? And if so, aren't you worried about then rolling off? Sorry if it is a stupid question,I have also wondered.

[policywonk]

Twofalls - I've done both in my time. Both of mine have also rolled off beds . No harm done, eh?

Those who are more sensible than I am stack rolled-up blankets around the baby to stop them rolling too far, or put a bank of pillows on the floor next to the bed in case of rollage.

[bogie]

We have a superking bed and we still got cramped somtimes ds slept with us untill recently, we used to put his cot by the side of our bed with one side on so if he rolled over he wouldn't fall out and if he was hogging all the bed (sometimes i could of swore i was sleeping with an octopus not a baby) I would roll him over into the cot.

[GColdtimer]

thanks policywonk, dd has never settled in bed with me so I have done it but would like to if I have another one. I will remember your tip!

[FrannyandZooey]

I agree with wonky - have your toddler in a different part of the bed, and I agree that next to your dp on the outside edge is the best way. If you are feeding in the night you will probably want to have the baby on either side of you at some point, and will probably fall asleep that way.

The advice about safety is spot on - no drinking, smoking, medication, etc for either parent. Also not ok if either of you are obese.

Your mother is probably going to worry whatever you do, if she thinks it's weird, but you could explain that breastfeeding mothers are almost uncannily aware of where their babies are in the bed and the pair will wake, sleep, breathe, turn and roll together in synchrony. (I presume you are intending breastfeeding? sorry if have assumed wrongly)

the other thing dp and I did (I was worried about the baby getting squished under the duvet) was to put our pillows about a foot down the bed (this doesn't work if you are very tall, I would guess) and put the baby up in between us at the top of the bed, so we couldn't physically roll or smother him.

The other thing you could do is point out that the "imagine how you'd feel" attitude would stop us from doing many interesting things in life. Going in a car, letting our children play on slides etc, flying abroad on holiday, being a pedestrian next to a road - these are all things that could and have eneded in disaster. However as adults we weigh up the risks and make choices that we believe keep us safe enough.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I tended to breezily say 'oh, all the people who rolled over and crushed their babies in the night died out' and change the subject.

[FrannyandZooey]

heh
NQC's response is much better, ignore mine

[Fillyjonk]

the toddler/bed thing IS tricky, esp when they are coming through unpredictably

tbh, when the baby is very small, we hae dp in with older kid (s), baby in with me, and reunite when the baby is aboyt 4 months and a bit more robust

[FrannyandZooey]

we have 10 foot of bed
ds was in with us again last night so is just as well - am pregnant whale size

[Fillyjonk]

actually the big problem with toddlers sharing with babies is not rolling (though at this age, that is a consideration), but duvets/pillows, which is why we keep them apart.

I imagne there are ways round it though, if you are organised.

nqc response is better than mine too, I just say "oh" when people tell me their fears.

[commanderchaos]

OOhh, thank you. I knew it was a good idea to ask you guys. I shall be breastfeeding, so that will make it all easier. Your replies have made me much more confident. But one dull and practical question - about the whole duvet, pillow thing. It will be early June by the time the baby comes, so with any luck (ha) there'll bit not much need for duvets, but with summers like ours...Duvets are bad ideas for babies, I know, but how do you stop getting cold/uncomfortable?

[fryalot]

I had the duvet over me, then baby on top of the duvet with a blanket over him.

[FrannyandZooey]

as I say we slept further down the bed
I did find ds under the duvet once (whole head under) and he survived, but I wouldn't recommend it

I think D Jackson does speak about regulation of body temp and that perhaps it is not as dangerous as we think, but probably best to come up with another solution

[SirDigbyChickenCaesar]

i used to wear a BF nightshirt then a cardi over it. that way i could keep the blankets lowish, so they didn't cover DS past his waist and my arms stayed warm.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'm afraid we just used to put the baby under the duvet. I always made sure he was wearing less than me, iyswim, and kept his head out. This isn't advised, but it is what we did.

(We had no other cot death risk, no smoking or drinking, and a futon, so a very very hard bed.)

[Fillyjonk]

I have a single duvet for myself (and dp did the first time, when he was in with us) and the baby of the moment gets an appropriately togged grobag and blankets if need be, just as in a cot.

I also have quite a firm pillow-one of those special foam memory things (they are not exorbitate-Ikea £15 iirc)- this doesn't move at all in the night, so if I keep it away from the baby (I have it kind of on an angle, iyswim?) , I don't think there is any dnager.

[Fillyjonk]

(the problem re duvets and siblings is a seperate one, my kids at least move around a LOT when the are asleep, and there is no way I could be sure that the baby wouldn't get a duvet chucked over her. )

[commanderchaos]

Once again, thanks guys. All this is making me so excited about the new baby and impatient for him/her to arrive...Thanks again.

[TooTicky]

Ds2 (6) and dd2 (2) have both co-slept with me since dd2 was born. I sleep on one side of dd2 and ds2 is on the other. Especially when she was very new, he loved his protective role.
Now ds1 regularly sleeps at my feet and dd1 occasionally joins in too