Letting toddler 'cry it out' - anyone done it? Should I follow sleep consultant advice?

[morebubblyplease]

My 16 month old ds has always been a bad sleeper and I'm now 8 weeks pregnant and must sleep! He wakes up angry and crying several times in the night and then for good before 5am. Following sleep consultant advice we've tried going in every few minutes which really upsets him when we leave. I've tried sitting in the room until he falls asleep - this has taken up to 3 hours and still involves crying. Consultant now says only way is to leave him after initial check. This will change his habit of wanting company to go back to sleep. I am very tempted as exhausted and desperate but worry about the effects on him. Anyone been there?

[EffiePerine]

Are you comforting him when you go in? We tried CC with our 15mo a couple of weeks back and it worked really quicjly, so I can see why you were advised to try it. We used a slightly different method) left for five mins, then 7, then 9 etc (adding a couple of mins on each time) but if I went in any he was crying I picked him up and cuddled him till he calmed down, then put him down and left.

OTOH, if you're unhappy about leaving him to cry atm trust your instincts. You could alwats try again in a few weeks time. In the meantime, get someone else to give you a break: could your partner take over the night duties for a few nights so you can rest?

[EffiePerine]

and I wouldn't have been happy at leave him to CIO, but then I'm not pg and needing my sleep...

[alarkaspree]

My ds was similar, and I found the controlled crying method that EffiePerine describes worked best for us. Before trying cc I did leave him to cry on occasions but it wasn't really planned, it was more like 'I have patted and cuddled and soothed you for an hour and now I have to leave or I will REALLY REALLY SHOUT AT YOU'. He did go to sleep fairly quickly when I did this, but it didn't seem to improve the situation in the long-term. I'm sure it didn't cause any psychological damage though.

He now (21m) almost always sleeps from bedtime - 5am. After 5am we are still struggling with.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Smithagain]

We got to that point of desperation when DD2 was just over two. Despite being very anti-controlled crying, we really got to a point where there seemed to be nothing else we could try and our sanity was cracking.

It took three nights, during which we kept going in to her to offer as much reassurance as we could, without getting her out of bed. On night four, she just went to sleep. Aside from the occasional "I can't sleep" night, we really haven't looked back.

Can't say I've noticed any ill-effects, as far as she's concerned. Obviously, she was a bit older than 16 months, but if you're desperate enough, I'd give it a go.

[morebubblyplease]

I have been comforting him when I go in EffiePerine - and he will lie down and go quiet as soon as I enter the room. However long or short my stay, when I leave again, he stands back up and cries more angrily than before. So it feels like comforting him upsets him more. Thus the suggestion of leaving him after initial check and reassurance. Sadly DH is superstressed and as much in need of sleep as me and flat is so small that as long as ds is awake and crying, so are we and the neighbours...

Alarkaspree, you have obviously been in our bedroom at 2am after an hour's hard graft...

Thanks for support and encouragement.

[EffiePerine]

Is it angry crying o upset crying? DS is still crrying when I put him in his cot for the night, but has reduced to about 30 secs. What intervals did you try?

I'm in a small flat as well, so feel your pain - I did wonder if we were going to be reported to SS...

[mad4mybaby]

i feel for you! My ds now 18 months was a nightmare until 9 months i had to rock him to sleep. We followed advice from the sleep nanny (i personally didnt agree with cry it out) and basically we put him to bed and sroked/patted (whatever your dc likes) for 30 secs then left the room for 1 min, back in for 30secs stroke back, out for one min etc etc and yes he cried and yes it went on for few hours. Next night stroke for 30 secs out for 2 mins, stroke for 30 secs out for 2 mins. When you are in with dc it is just reassurance, no chatting or picking up maybe shsh shshing noise at most. You increase the time you leave the room. I think it took about a week.

some people disagree with this kind of thing but if you are desperate to get sleep (which you are if pg!!) and you also need it sorting before your next dc comes along!

[morebubblyplease]

We've just done a week of what you describe Smithagain - thus the desperate consideration of not reassuring him after first visit. Argh... Doesn't sound like anyone else has tried it. Of course not. It's clearly the thoughts of a madwoman. Or someone very very tired and off to bed shortly.

[morebubblyplease]

It's very angry crying EffiePerine. Big intake of breath and off we go. Quieter for a while and then another big go. The longest so far was 3 hours - and I was in the room most of the time going shhh!

[margoandjerry]

I tried all these techniques with my daughter but all the going in and patting her and shushing her and putting her back down and all that just ENRAGED her! It honestly seemed to unsettle her so much more and made her really miserable - like I was offering something and taking it away time and time again.

Eventually I decided to let her CIO - one big cuddle, back to bed and I left the room - and it worked. For us it was kinder as she cried (a lot), then went to sleep rather than screamed in anger on and off for three hours.

Just my experience.

[morebubblyplease]

That is EXACTLY what we're experiencing margoandjerry. So it can work... Thank you.

[worley]

im planning to try it in the half term hls. ds2 has to share a room with ds2 so while we try cc with ds2, ds1 can hang around downstairs or else he wont get any sleep either. i'll let you know how it goes, are you going to try the cc then? my cousin just did it with her 19mth old ds and it took 3 days for him to settle himself which is why i think im going to have to do it if i ever want my bed back for the whole night and free evenings.

[morebubblyplease]

Haven't agreed approach with dp yet and don't know when half term is but would be interested in hearing how it goes - must be even harder with a ds2 around!

[Jojay]

I haven't had a problem on the scale of yours, but I do know that if my DS is crying when I put him down ( it is rare, luckily) then as long as there's nothing obvious wrong, going back in and out every few minutes just winds him up even more.

I tend to go back in once, check there's nothing obviously wrong and then leave him for a good 10 mins. Sounds harsh but 9 / 10 times hell drop off in this time, nad if he doesn't, the chances are there IS something wrong.

But as I say, my DS has never been too bad ( lucky me) but me being in the room trying to soothe him generally makes things worse, IME, unless he's genuinely ill or something.

[worley]

half terms in 2 weeks, so as im off work for the week thought it would be the best time to start, before we lose all sanity if theres any left...

[Smithagain]

FWIW, DD2 was another one who seemed really angry about all our efforts to settle her. Holding hands, patting etc all just roused her more. It seemed like she really wanted to go to sleep, but just couldn't let go at that last moment.

As posted above, it did work for us.

[Elffriend]

It IS a horrible thing to go through - both for you and the litte one. However,it can work and it is short term. think of it as extending the CC.

If going in does upset your DS then it is clearly not going to help either of you.

The principle in one sense is no different to CC. Set yourself a time limit: If he is still crying after 30 minutes I will go in and check him. Then push yourself to 45 mins. (May not take that long!).

Be warned. It will make you cry. It will make you rock backwards and forwards in bed clutching the monitor. It will make you worry unimaginable things have happened to him. You have to stay strong and consistent. (what you are trying to acheive is for him to learn how to fall asleep without exteral aides - that means he has to fall asleep - it is the faing aleep not the crying that does it!)

But it will work.

If he is loved, secure and happy in waking hours you will not damage him. You will help him get the sleep of which he is deprived. Later it will mean if he DOES wake, you will know there is a cause and be able to respond accordingly.

Good luck.