Utterly desperate - what do I do??

[Purpleboa]

So DD is 10 months and is an awful sleeper, I've posted many a time on here! Past few weeks though, it's just been getting worse. She's waking up for a few hours in the night. Nonstop breastfeeding. Crying so much. I'm utterly miserable, getting angry with her and just at the end of my ability to cope. Back to work in a few weeks and I've no idea how I'm going to function.

We all have a heavy cold which doesn't help matters.

Just lost my temper and DH has had to take her. I can't go on like this. If I'd known that being a parent was going to be this difficult, I'm not sure I would have had a baby.

Ant advice or tips just to get through? I think I need to get used to having no sleep, as I can't see it ever changing. So tips for learning to function without sleep would be hugely appreciated!

[blinkyoullmissit]

I don't have any advice but I'm in the same boat with my 10 month old ds.
I'm absolutely shattered and it's beginning to make me really poorly.
He's so clingy and only wants me at night. I'm hoping it is just a faze and won't last long.
Hang on in there and drink plenty of caffeine

[icklekid]

At 9 months I decided enough was enough and sleep trained. There are many different ways and would recommend the no cry seep training book which friends have used. Weaning off breastfeeding in the night might be worth a try (or not being reliant on it). Otherwise have you tried cosleeping?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

If you are teaching the point where you are losing your temper (no judgement, I was the same by 8 months) then id really recommend night weaning followed by sleep training. I cut down to 2 feeds then dropped them out too. Then staryed settling only in cot and finally did sleep training. I know some people here this approach but your mh is precious and I was a better mum once I was no longer waking every 90m. Dd was also much happier once she started self settling and getting longer stretches of sleep.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Sorry for typos! I should add that I'm up now with pregnancy insomnia. Sleep training was a total success!

[Franny1977]

I have a sleep plan someone shared with me when I had DS who's now 2and a half. I'm not sure how to PM on this, I'll try to work it out and will forward to you.

It does pass though so keep being strong. It's so hard. I'm up for a night feed with my DD

[Franny1977]

Just sent it. Use it if you want but obviously delete if you don't like it!

[Cathster]

Oh purple sorry to hear things haven't got any better for you.

It honestly sounds like maybe you should look into night weaning and sleep training? I was dead set against it but we reached the end of our tether (DD was no longer waking for feeds just cuddles and dummy) and are sleep training now. We are only on day 3 and already seen a huge improvement for her and us, and believe now she was trying to tell us to leave her alone and let her learn to self settle as she would wriggle and cry in our arms.

I know it's tough to think about sleep training, as I said we were dead set against it. But until I really started researching (and there will always be the fors and againsts and those that pass judgement) I realised that it would be the best thing for all of us, our relationship has been suffering, we are both constantly on the edge of losing our tempers, and DD always seems tired and grumpy.

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your mental health is really important especially if you're going back to work soon. There are solutions that don't involve crying if that's what you prefer.

I hope you all get over your colds soon and start to see some better nights, massive sympathies

[SavoyCabbage]

I think many of us have reached this point of no return with sleep. I remember face lying down in my back garden while my baby shrieked the house down. After that I knew things had to be different and that I had to be tougher on her or one of us wasn't going to survive.

[Judgeaway]

Hi op for you. I know how you feel except my ds2 is nearly 4 years old. He has autism which doesn't help, but he never ever sleeps a full night. My dh works away so it always me that deals with Ds. Your body eventually adjusts and it does get easier. I would say try sleep training but be realistic it won't happen over night. In my Ds case it will never work . Good luck

[HollyC255552]

Guess what 'purple' i'm still lurking & things have got worse for us. I'm knackered & back at work, thank god only part time though. Big hugs to you.

Franny would you mind forwarding me the sleep plan. Thanks.

[tiredybear]

Oh, Purple, so sorry to hear this. Not seen any posts from you for a while so thought things must have got better.

My DS got worse around the 10 month mark. Having to be resettled every few hours early on in the night, then having 1-3 hour screamathons from around 1am. It was AWFUL. It lasted for about 3 weeks...which seems short but felt like a lifetime. I nightweaned out of desperation. he easily dropped all but one feed.
Since then, things have got loads better. He's just turned 1.
80% of the time he will sleep from 6.30-3ish, wake for a feed, then sleep again til 6ish. (of course he now often resists actually going to sleep, which always used to be the easy bit!!)

We seem to have been on a similar journey with our little ones. The sleep deprivation is SO hard...but I am proof that it does , really really does, get better. I would not have believed it either a few months ago...but it does.

Biggest advice to help you hang on in there...TAKE A WHOLE NIGHT OFF.
Formula in a sippy cup (if she won't take a bottle). Daddy on duty ALL night. You sleep in another part of the house. Yeah, they probably won't have a great night, but they'll be ok. You'll be able to cope a bit better. I did this once a week during the really bad times and it really helped.

[Diddlydokey]

Honestly, just stop breastfeeding at night. One feed before pj's, then teeth, book and bed. Off to sleep on their own from wide awake.

At night wakings only go on after 10 minutes and even then only go in for a minute. Don't take them out of the cot.

Be consistent. They will sleep better.

[Vaara]

Jesus definitely night wean.

[confusedandemployed]

You have to night wean and then sleep train. Or at least, you do if you want to stay sane and get some sleep of your own

I do have sympathy, honestly. But learning to sleep is a life skill (a much underrated one, IMO) and it's one of the most important skills to learn in the first years of life.

I wish you very good luck

[trilbydoll]

DD2 has never been great, and every so often she has a week or so of waking every 30 mins. It's hilarious

I don't think you can do much if you're all full of cold unfortunately, you'll have to wait for it to clear up.

What is working for us ATM is me feeding her then DH sitting with her until she goes to sleep. Same with wakeups - if she wakes before 2am he goes in and she's good as gold. For me the other night she screamed solidly for 90 mins, little horror.

I think stopping bf would solve a lot of our problems but as she's a bottle refuser I like to know she's getting some liquid!

[Ragwort]

As Diddly said - you have to be tough. Stop breast feeding; start sleep training; can you go and stay with someone else for a couple of nights, let your DH cope and your DD will have to learn that breast feeding has stopped.

[icklekid]

But trilby at 10 months they don't need fluid in the night? Sorry if your dc are not same age as op!

[InsaneDame]

I think you should night wean too as a first step - it should help her do longer stretches eventually and means it doesn't always have to be you dealing with night wakings. I bf both mine, the eldest I night weaned at 12mo, the youngest at 10mo. With the eldest I just refused to feed anymore between bedtime and 6am. With the youngest I delayed feeding by 30 mins every few nights. So first few nights I wouldn't feed before 11pm, next few nights no feeding before 11.30pm etc. One night he settled without feeding at 12.30ish then slept until 3am so I knew he could go that long so I jumped to no feeding before 3am. When we got to 5am and he wasn't settling to sleep again after the feed I cut it out all together so last feed around 7pm (bedtime) and morning feed not before 6am.

First few nights will be hard but I think you need to do this. Once you have stopped night feeds you can reevaluate and see if her sleep is livable or if you still need to do training.

Learning to function without sleep really isn't an option - it's a basic human requirement and you need it for physical and mental health.

[trilbydoll]

ickle - they need fluid at night if they've spent all day refusing to drink milk or water from bottle or beaker she's determined to dehydrate!

[RockCrushesLizard]

I had exactly the same at that age. We used a sleep training method called gradual retreat, so DD was never abandoned/alone (obviously I had the guilt about doing it at all) and cut down to one feed, no earlier than 3 am.
Within two days we saw results, not just for me, but DD was suddenly a happy cheery baby instead of being grumpy and fractious: it was the right thing for her too.
I still feel conflicted about it in some ways, but I could not have continued as we were.

[Purpleboa]

Thanks all, appreciate it. Yes, I'm fully aware I need to nightwean and would give anything to do so!! But as Trilby says, I'm worried she doesn't get enough liquid sustenance during the day as she refuses a bottle and goes on hunger strike when she's at nursery. Plus she screams and screams if she doesn't get boob, and I'm just too tired to fight it. If there's a next baby, it's definitely getting bottle fed!

Tried gradual retreat, didn't work. My DD is incredibly strong willed.

I know we need to get really tough but I haven't got the energy to do so. Just want to sleep and not wake up some days.

[InsaneDame]

This is horrible way to look at it but what if something happens to you and you can't be there to bf her? She will have to get on with it then and I'm pretty certain she won't refuse food/drink long enough to harm her. If I were you I would go away for a night or two to rejuvenate, when you get back you might find she is practically night weaned!

I know how hard it is not getting sleep and harder still to change things but it really is in your hands and as a parent you will need to make decisions that your dd won't be happy with initially but it will be for the greater good. You as the parent need to enforce boundaries and breastfeeding is all well and good but it seems to be taking over a bit. You will find that stopping the feeding over night means she will be hungry enough to eat and drink at nursery - you are in a vicious cycle otherwise.

P.s I said I wouldn't bf my second as it was such hard work first time but of course I did! I was quite lucky that both mine just fed for a few minutes and didn't really take comfort from it due to forceful let down - not very relaxing for them!

[Nan0second]

Sleep train first. It will lead to stopping night weaning. She doesn't feed in the day because she's not hungry because she's fed all night.
She has object permanence issues.
Use your partner and sleep train. If you teach her to sleep in the cot from first sleeping, things will dramatically improve.
Use your anger to get this sorted. You don't have to live like this.

[Ivegotyourgoat]

You've got to stop feeding her at night as a first step.

She doesn't eat and drink during the day because she's getting it at night. She won't starve herself.

[Ivegotyourgoat]

Concentrate on getting her to self self first thing at night and just go completely cold turkey with the night feeds.