4 year old won't sleep in his own bed! Advice please!

[MockTurtle20]

Hi there guys! I'd love some advice.

Our 4 year old has been slipping out of bed in the middle of the night and jumping into our bed, where he insists on sleeping for the rest of the night. He's been doing this for a couple of years and it has developed into a bad habit. The bigger he gets, the worse our nights sleep is getting as he takes up so much room. The only other option is getting up and taking him back to his own bed where we must lie beside him the rest of the night. A narrow kids bed- it's not good either! My very hands-on and great husband is really dealing with this by himself at the moment as I have hurt my back and he doesn't want me having to be uncomfortable in a tiny bed. He works very hard all day and now he's not getting a good nights sleep, so I worry about him too!

Ds tells us he doesn't want to sleep on his own as he is scared of the dark. I've explained there is nothing to be scared of. Then he says he just wants someone to sleep next to him. He gets upset when we discuss it.

So here's what I've tried. Ds has a nightlight on in his room all night. The dog has started to sleep at the foot of his bed for company and comfort, but ds still gets up and comes in to us. I made a reward chart - if he was to sleep in his own bed until 7am for 7 consecutive nights he would get a nerf gun. Ds was very excited about this, but he didn't even get on to the first step. I bought a gro clock sleep trainer, it didn't work at all.

Ds apologises perfusely in the morning and says he's sorry he disturbs mummy and daddy. I don't want to traumatise him, but I lost the rag a bit this morning and told him Santa might not come to him this year. Que tears and panic. So I'm not proud of myself there.

I really don't know what to do and how to break this habit. This can't continue for his sake or ours. We have a one year old too (who thank goodness sleeps through)

Please give me your thoughts and advice on how to gently but firmly get ds to sleep in his own bed! All night! Before we lose the plot! Thanks in advance.

[GothicRainbow]

Sounds like you're in a tough situation. Firstly I think you need to say sorry to him about the Father Christmas thing and explain that of course he'll be coming.

He has said he is afraid of the dark but a nightlight isn't helping, so I wonder whether you need to see if he is able to explain further. Maybe try and find out what it is about the dark - it could be monsters, the Unknown, etc. If there is a more specific problem then you might well be able to tackle that issue and help with the dark fear.

Could you get him a torch to have on his bedside/in bed with him?

When doing the reward chart do you remind him of the reward when he comes into your room at night? If you do what is his reaction? If not it could be the incentive he needs to jump back into his own bed.

[youlemming]

How about a bit of a refresh to his room to make it feel new and get him excited about going to bed, doesn't have to cost a lot.
Let him choose new bed covers and maybe some new pj's, pictures or other small items he can place himself.

After having DD2 DD1 needed to move from the small/nursery room into the bigger one so we let her choose some cushions and things to make it feel like hers. Slightly different situation but it may work the same.

[Totallyoutoforder]

Get him a double bed and sleep with him until he grows out of it. At least you parents would get some sleep too. Not the best advice to break up habit but hey, it works....

[worldgonecrazy]

I agree with *totally" get him a bigger bed and then just sleep in there with him, or get him a cot bed so he can lie at the foot of your bed.

It's not for ever, and in a year or so if you do want to cuddle up to him, he'll say "Mum, go and sleep in your own bed".

They're not young for long, so I choose to grab as many snuggles as possible, even if it means we're playing musical beds some nights.

[wannaBe]

rapid return. he comes into your bed, you take him back to his own bed, say "it's sleep time," and then you leave, the first time you explain it's sleep time and ds is to sleep in his bed. If he comes back, or if he cries on being returned to his bed then you gently take him back again and say very quietly "night night." the second time. The third and subsequent times you simply return him to his bed. no chat, no eye contact.

And a reward chart for waking up in his bed in the morning, even if it's taken you ten rapid returns to get him there.

It will take a few nights, but the more consistent you are the sooner he will get the message that night time is for sleeping in his own bed.

The problem with having a chart which enabled him to get a nerf gun after a week is that there was no process in place to facilitate that happening, only an expectation, so he went to bed excited at the prospect but there was no support in place to enable him to learn to stay in his bed. iyswim.

With this method you can still have the expectation of a reward after so many nights, but the rapid return method will support you enabling him to stay there.

And then, once you've cracked him staying in his bed all night (I give it a week maximum) you can introduce a reward for staying there all night without mummy and daddy having to come to him. You'll probably find that will happen of its own making, and when it does you can be extra excited in the morning.

Oh and, a week of sleep training will be hard, but when things look tough in the middle of the night echo the words "this is for the greater good, and we're nearly there."

hth.

[MockTurtle20]

Thank you all so much for your advice. It is greatly appreciated and has given me a lot to think about. And he is such a good child in every other respect, and I know this won't be forever. So thank you all once again.

[FiftyShadesOfSporn]

Friends of mine had some success putting a camp bed up in their room and redirecting their dd there.

The problem went away when they moved her in with a sibling, something they hadn't thought would work but solved the problem.

[Girlfriend36]

I think you would need to spend a few nights waking up the min he walks into your room and taking him straight back to his bed. I don't sleep well with dd next to me so the only times she has spent a night in my bed has been if she is poorly or we have friends visiting!

I think at 4yo he is old enough to understand waking mum and dad in the middle of the night isn't o.kay plus not good for him to be waking every night anyway, you all much be knackered!

[poocatcherchampion]

Yes my suggestions would be:

• bigger bed for him to make it better for you
  
• share with sibling
  
• camp bed in your room as an option.
  

I don't think throwing money at it is the solution (I never do!) Either in the form of redoing his room or a reward. He needs a consistent approach with clear outcomes.

Back to bed, from now on you sleep there. Etc.

And you need to stick with it. like I didn't when I let dd2 in for a snug the other day at 4am cos she smells so nice