The only way i can sleep is stroking mummys hair

[jacobliam]

Hi, my ds2 is a real pain for sleep, am attempting controlled crying at the moment as much as i hate it.
But he will settle instantly if he can stroke my hair. i brought a blanky in the hope that it would be soft enough to replace my hair as a comfort but to no avail. Any suggestions?
Not just for the sleep issue but im having so much hair pulled out its rediculous, and it hurts!

Any tips greatfully recieved.

[curlew]

How old is he?

[FrannyandZooey]

How old is ds2? A lot of people find co-sleeping while their children are little is the easiest way to deal with young ones who like to be close to a parent. It's easier sometimes to just go with the flow and let them grow out of it in their own time, than fight against what they want with techniques like controlled crying. CC is not recommended for under 3s due to the distress it can cause. There are many gentle methods of helping children to sleep better - have you heard of The No Cry Sleep Solution ? There is one for toddlers too if your ds is older.

This page from Dr Sears gives lots of advice and is well worth a read. You may find you want to try a gentle method of changing ds's sleep associations, or you may find it easier to wait for him to mature enough by himself. There's nothing wrong with letting your ds stroke your hair while he falls asleep, or any other comforting method that you are both happy with. Many of us have stayed with our children until they fall asleep each night and have enjoyed this quiet time together at the end of the day. They do grow out of it quick enough.

Good luck with whatever you choose is right for your son.

[gegs73]

Hi - why don't you try getting him a doll which has hair like yours (well I know it can't be exactly the same but similar colour or length {grin}). Might be worth a try.

[LemonTart]

Whilst I agree with much of Franny?s post and other posts (lovely lady!) I would add caution to the "nothing wrong" bit about stroking hair.
I got into this trap with DD1. Started off her just wanting to know I was still in the room, if I crept out she would open one eye and scream. Eventually she got in the habit of stroking hair through the cot bars while I read her story. She worked out that if she "hung on" to a clump, I couldn?t creep out, she could close her eyes and relax... I can?t believe how many hours I wasted sitting awkwardly with my hair pulled through the cot bars just so I could avoid upsetting her. After a few weeks I had a bad back, dreaded bedtime and felt like total failure being controlled by her.

We broke it very gently. Started off by letting her hold my hair during the story but then I would move away after settling her, within eye sight and talk softly to her. She was angry and a few bad nights but eventually accepted it. Then we started to rotate it so my DH would come in and sit on the chair in the room. She really hated this but was important to us that she didn?t rely on just one of us. Again, after a few gos at this she was fine. More angry than upset I think.
After a couple of weeks we stopped the chat and sat in silence reading our own book or newpaper (I quite liked this phase!) with dimmed lighting and no conversation or getting up to her demands once story and kisses had been done.
Not long before we were able to move the chair closer to the door out of her sight range and eventually walk out altogether.
It was a long process for us and hard - with a few hiccups when she had a cold etc and we "gave in" - making it even harder to get back on track - but worth it.
Not once do I feel we were cruel and it wasn?t exactly CC more gentle change..

Don?t let the hair pulling thing go on. I called it stroking too but if it hurts, it isn?t fair on you. Let him learn that he doesn?t need it to feel secure. xx

[FrannyandZooey]

Lemon that was a gentle way to make a change - sounds like hard work for you though.

What I meant when I said "nothing wrong", is that there is nothing wrong with helping your child to sleep in any way that you feel comfortable. It won't harm them, hinder their development or make them clingy or any of those things that people hint at. However I would not advise letting your child get used to a way of getting to sleep that you are not happy to continue with, at least for the time being. Lying down net to child gently stroking hair sounds fine, leaning through the bars having your hair pulled not so great

[belgo]

I had a similar problem with dd1, she got used to holding my hair while bf, and associated it with going to sleep. I tried using various dolls with hair (also a my little pony), and fortunately she had grown quite a lot of her own hair by the time she was one, and I encouraged her to hold her own hair. She's two and nine months now and still sleeps holding her own hair.

[jacobliam]

hi thanks for all the advice. ds2 is 7 months by the way. i agree about cc it is horrible and im tempted not to carry on with it, found a step by step method for gradual retreat, will give that one a go. my ds1 absolutely hates hearing ds2 cry and he always tells me the other one is crying and asks why arent i going to stop him.
the biggest nproblem along with all of this is he is still in my room, we have another room which ds1 in is. dont want to put ds2 in with him yet because obviously he will get disturbed.
bedroom 3 is kept for dh daughter who is 13.
i have tried to explain that ds2 should have that room but its like banging your head against a brick wall. ds2 im sure will settle better in his own room but dh refuses to take sd room away from her.

Its a no win sitation. at this rate ds2 will be in with us until he is 3!

[jacobliam]

By the way sd only stays for 1 night every other weekend. She has a tv ps2 etc in her room but never uses them. she only uses the room for sleep. which is why i begrudge her the room. in ds1s room there is a bunkbed my suggestion has been that sd sholud simply sleep on the top bunk when she stays over.