Please help me

[Pushonregardless]

My 5.5 month old DD has never slept well. She feeds 3-4 hourly 24/7. Now fully FF. The night needs aren't needed. I know they aren't. She barely takes anything. I can't stop it. I try to re-settle but it goes on for hours. My anxiety is out of control. I have been awake since three am. I can't sleep between her wake ups. I don't know what to do. I feel like my marriage is under threat. I am a shaking wreck in the middle of the night. I'm trying to wake and feed at 7 but she never takes a feed because the night is so bad. I can't seem to get her to eat enough in the day. I don't know whether I need a sleep consultant or a GP appointment for me? Please help me. Please tell me what to do. Im so confused. I am having very distressing thoughts.

[EMS23]

I'm here, sympathising. I've been 'blessed' with two terrible sleepers an my youngest was just like yours.
I can't tell you how to fix your DD's sleep problem - I rode with it and let mine grow out of it in their own time. That approach won't work for everyone.

But you are exhausted and you need some help, which is essentially separate to fixing the babies sleep issue.

Can someone else take over for a night so you can get a good chunk of sleep?

You might want to consider seeing a GP about how you're feeling also. But the horrible thoughts might lessen if you get some rest.

Don't be a hero, you need a break, even if it's just a few hours of sleep one night and a few hours away one day. Can you find anyone to help you get that?

[Madamnit]

Oh love, sounds so stressful. Didn't want to read and run - Bumping. Hoping that someone has some good advice for you. Could you call your Heath Visitor 1st thing and tell them how you feel?

[Flowergirlmum]

Is your baby on solid food yet? If not then I would start weaning.

[EMS23]

Also, anxiety and distressing thoughts are something I experienced too, probably also caused by lack of sleep.
It will all get better, I promise.

[Ihavealwaysbeenastorm]

Big hugs and sympathy op !!
My ds was like this for a time ,, I think at this age alot is happening developmentally and your dd just needs to learn how to sleep ,, like she will learn how to sit up, crawl etc.
I would start weaning too, then during the night ,, if she wakes ,, go in to her and put in her dummy ,, if she's distressed then pick her up and cuddle her but set her back in. You might have to do this all night but it's what worked for us. Ds soon realise realised that night wakings would not equal feeds unless I felt he was hungry which he actually never was ,, and now he sleeps through consistently (finally at 9 months )) ..
It's so hard ,, get someone to give you a break to catch up on sleep to prepare for this, also, if you are having distressing thoughts please talk to your gp

[TobyLerone]

Weaning is unlikely to have much of an effect on whether or not a baby sleeps through the night.

5.5 months is still so young :(

[Procrastinatingpeacock]

It's not clear from your post whether she settles after a night feed or if it only takes ages to resettle her when you don't feed her. If she settles with a feed then just feed her! I don't mean to sound flippant, in fact the opposite as you sound extremely stressed and I think you should just be doing whatever you need to do to get sleep and hopefully feel more relaxed. It might be that she just likes the comfort of a feed and that's how she goes back to sleep, even if she's not really "hungry". At 5.5 months I would say that is perfectly normal and not something to get hung up on- please don't feel you have to wean her off night feeds, making both you and she miserable, just because you or others think she "should" be sleeping through. My DS still fed at night till he was about 16 months, he then just stopped naturally of his own accord.
I think you should make a GP appointment for yourself because your anxiety sounds out of proportion for the situation. I also had a terrible sleeper and was very tired most of the time, but I never felt as anxious and distressed as you are. I'm not saying this to sound smug, God knows there were nights where I felt despair at the situation, but I think that the extreme anxiety you describe may be symptomatic of a deeper problem and definitely worth a visit to the GP.

[Ihavealwaysbeenastorm]

It's 2 weeks away from the recommended age for weaning
I weaned both of mine at 5 months on paediatriacian advice and it made a tremendous different difference to their sleep ,I understand that this is purely anecdotal but it's hardly like weaning a 12 week old .

[Pushonregardless]

I've upset my DH so much that he's cried this morning. He can't cope with the situation. He's not gone to work and I'm going to the GP today. My HV was coming today anyway, so he can help me talk to her.

She settles immediately if you feed her. That's not the problem. But I'm concerned she doesn't need it. I offered water at 3am which didn't settle her but then a tiny 50ml feed did. I'm so confused. I feel like she will carry on feeding at night forever I I don't wean her off? I really feel that she should go longer after the 11pm wake up? I'm surrounded by babies who sleep through. I don't manage well on little sleep. My husband is up at 5am everyday as he's establishing his own business on top of his day job. We argue constantly although we never used to. I struggle to get back to sleep but I think that's my anxiety?

I struggled to conceive and needed treatment, had a tough pregnancy, dd had hip displaysia and dramatic weightloss which resulted in pressure to mix feed. That was the beginning of the end for BF as I feared. I was devastated. Recently stopped and stopped expressing. Period returned this week. I've had a massive crash. Is this hormone related?

We have been introducing first tastes. She's not ready yet though. Although I think she's getting there. I don't want to push it. Don't want her to reduce her milk feeds and sleep worse.

I made the mistake of reading lots of books about routine and now I feel a failure. I can't get her taking big daytime feeds

Doc at 10. I'm such a muddle. I have the loveliest little girl. I just want to enjoy her

Thanks for letting me know there are people listening

[Procrastinatingpeacock]

OP I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It does sound like a lot of your stress is around thinking that you are doing something wrong because your baby's not sleeping for longer/ is being fed in the night. I can't tell you how wrong that is! Waking for a feed or even more than one at 5.5 months is so so normal. I would really recommend that you take a look at the Isis sleep website (can't link cos on phone but try Google) for the facts about what is normal baby sleep. For example, it says that by the age of 5 months half of babies have started to sleep through on SOME nights. That means that just as many haven't slept through at all! You are not harming your baby by feeding her at night, in fact you are responding appropriately to her needs and helping her to develop securely.

I'm glad you have a GP appointment this morning and I hope it goes well. Please let us know how you get on.

[Procrastinatingpeacock]

I also would try not to worry about routines. They work really well for some babies, but not for others. My DS fed 2 hourly and napped completely randomly till he was about 8 or 9 months and then he just fell into a natural routine (with a little coaxing from me!) Routines can be great but don't try to force your Dd into one just because you think you should. You sound like a lovely instinctive parent (eg knowing that your DD is enjoying first tastes but isn't ready for dropping milk feeds yet) so just try to trust your instincts. You are her mum and you know what she needs far better than anyone else.

[EMS23]

My two both fed at night for far longer than 5.5 months. I won't say exactly how long for as that might upset you at this point!

I'm firmly in the 'do what it takes' camp. Seems like she's clearly needing milk at night, so I'd keep giving it to her and worry less about the need to stop the night feeds.

Focus your efforts on getting yourself more sleep - so take feeds in turns with your DH, get some help in (grandparents willing to help?) and have a half a day away doing something relaxing for you.

The end of breastfeeding does feel devastating, I know exactly how you feel. There probably is a hormonal crash happening too but nonetheless, you're exhausted and need to address your lack of sleep.

[Makingitupasigoalong13]

Hun....this sounds horribly stressful and exactly where I was a while ago. I could have written large chunks of your message myself - baby still waking twice/ three times during the night, stressing about weaning her off nighttime feeds, stressing about doing it 'wrong'. After feeling a lot of pressure to reduce nighttime feedings, I decided to try the baby whisperers pickup putdown method which made things even worse...rather than feeding to sleep after each nighttime feed, she resisted sleeping even more and i was up for longer and longer and longer as she gradually stopped settling even when i did give in and feed her!.....I was beside myself with tiredness and stress.
We ended up doing some 'gentle' crying techniques (please don't shoot me - I know its not for everyone but she was crying for two hours at a time in the middle of the night even when I was trying to settle her!). This did seem to work but I'm not sure I'd recommend it as I've realised over the past few weeks that actually I was pressurising myself (and allowing others to pressurise me) to drop nighttime feeds. If you're ok to keep feeding her during the night, please don't feel like you need to change anything 'just because'...she still has plenty of time to learn how to sleep through the night, self settle, and all those other things babies need to learn how to do.

Your last point really resonated with me...you just want to enjoy your little girl. I feel guilty so much for not enjoying this parenting malarkey all the time, and we're just trying to do our best in raising them to be the happiest little girls they can be. Please know that you're doing your best and don't pressurise yourself to do what you think you 'should' be doing - you know your little one best and I'm sure you're doing an absolutely fantastic job.

Anyway, I don't really have any advice but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and it sounds like your daughter is doing just fine with her sleep. Do remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture too - could your husband maybe do Friday night (if he doesn't have work in the morning) and let you get a good chunk of sleep? Things might seem a lot better with a little bit more sleep. Finally, I'm no expert but have heard that stopping bf does involve a lot of hormone changes too so don't underestimate how much this could be a factor in how you're feeling (particularly given all the stress you've had in the past 6 months).

Big hugs and good luck at the GP.

[EMS23]

Oh and being surrounded by babies that sleep through - it might feel like that but it's probably not true. People have very different definitions of sleeping through.

[LetsPlayBamboozled]

Sorry to hear how this is effecting you op. I want to second thatnight feeding for comfort or not feeding but just wanting comfort seems very normal time at that age and certainly the case for my 5 month old. We have had allvariations in the last six weeks from hourly waking to only waking twice but taking an hour to settle to sleeping seven hours solid. I had to stop bf and I sometimes think dd wanting the dummy and a cuddle is her equivalent of suckling for comfort. Do you use a dummy? I am glad you are seeking support. It is hard and I am awful on little sleep. Please don't think you are alone in this.

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

Best advice - stop reading the books. They will drive you crazy!

I know it seems like forever without sleep, trust me, I've been there. I also had (have!) two terrible sleepers, and it's awful when everyone else's baby seems to be sleeping wonderfully.

5.5 months is so so young still. I wouldn't worry about a routine or dropping her feeds. She knows what she needs and she's too young to start habit forming. I would just do whatever it takes to get her and you as much sleep as possible. Have you got a sling for during the day? It may be that she wants the closeness of you more than she wants the milk. Just a thought...

Hang in there, and hope the doctors went well. There's mo shame in admitting you're struggling or having bad thoughts. I have PND with both mine, and it was so much easier once I admitted it and got some help. And some sleep!

[Beccus]

routines are great when ur baby falls into one themselves, but trying to enforce them are just stressful. there are definitely huge hormonal swings with stopping b/f and lack of sleep does make u go a bit crazy. you musy be feeling horrible :(. my ds (6 months) is up several times a night and I find co sleeping helps. i took the side off cot and pushed it against bed and can cuddle/pat/insert dummy without having to get up. also, nytol is great for calming you down and helping u sleep without making u drowsy. good for u for seeing ur gp. really hope things get easier for u soon.

[Pushonregardless]

I really do feel like I'm doing it ll wrong. I thought moving to FF would automatically mean more routine. She goes 3-4hrs between feeds in the day but they aren't at set times like 7-11-2.30-7 etc. Doesn't that mean it's not right? What do others do? She's barely eating today. I can never get a feed of much more than 100ml in her when she wakes. This makes me think she's getting too much milk during night time hours?

I am going to try and relax about the routine but I find it so hard as every day can be slightly different. Coupled with the fact that she is a massive catnapper. She has 45 mins an hour after every feed. If I want to make sure I she has good sleep in the day I don't really go out which makes things so much worse. Especially now the weather is nicer. Anyone else managing this better than me?

Makingitup-we have found the same. Any attempts to 'fix' things make it so much worse. We tried to introduce a dream feed to stop the 1am and 5am wake ups and make them just dream feed and 3am ish. All that happened is that she woke at 1,3 and 5. And now bad naturally started waking for a dream feed anyway and mostly going till 2/3am.

I know she's little and has time to learn to sleep through, but how does it work if I keep feeding her? How will she learn? Does it just stop one day?

My sister got my niece sleeping through from 8 weeks. She was only waking for a 4am feed at this point so she BF her less and less over a week and basically let her cry I think. I am not comfortable with that but my family are all quick to point out how sucessful it was. She has slept 13 hr nights since. Just a different baby I guess.

I've been to the doctor and seen my HV. Doctor has prescribed anti depressants. I feel sad about this but also a bit relieved. I can't believe it's got this far ?? HV and I have agreed DD is doing great and that I'm just going to stop obsessing about the books and routines and get on with it without listening to others. Easier said than done though?

[EMS23]

In the nicest possible way - your sister probably didn't 'get' her baby to sleep through. Your sister was just lucky to 'get' one that slept through.

Burn the books and let your baby lead you. All 3 of mine, including my two terrible sleepers got there in the end. They really do just find their own way, IMO.

Other people may recommend controlled crying, various routines and methods etc but you have to do what feels right to you and stop beating yourself up when you try something that doesn't work. Put it behind you and move on.

Babies don't come with manuals - we're all getting it wrong, right and something in between all the way along.

Your HV is spot on - give up the books, see how you get on with the AD's and try to look forward not back.
Try to get some rest, ask for help when you need it and you will be ok.

[Flowergirlmum]

When I suggested weaning it wasn't because I think the baby will magically start sleeping through but for me, once I'd weaned my children, they settled into more of a routine re feeds during the day which meant they were fuller at night.
And 2 weeks early for weaning really will be ok! Ask your health visitor if in any doubt though

[flipflopsonfifthavenue]

For what it's worth DS2 doesn't feed during the day (bfed) am lucky if I get one good feed in. Otherwise it's the odd suck here and there. Far too much other interesting stuff going on.
It gets better. It's nothing you're doing honestly.

[Pushonregardless]

Will it get better or will she have developed bad habits because I've allowed it to go on? That's what I struggle with. I'm a FTM so no experience beyond the day I'm in

I won't be taking the anti depressants. The list of side effects is scary. I don't feel depressed. I'm just bloody tired and so confused x

[EMS23]

It will get better, habit forming happens much later in a babies life- for now she is operating on basic instinct and doing what she needs to keep herself alive.

My two were rocked to sleep for 13 months and 11 months respectively. Both self settled happily when I tried it - they were both ready.
I was told countless times by various people that I was allowing bad habits to form but my children don't seem to have.

[LetsPlayBamboozled]

She goes 3-4hrs between feeds in the day but they aren't at set times like 7-11-2.30-7 etc. Doesn't that mean it's not right? What do others do?

Not at all, mine doesn't have fixed times. She also eats every 3-4 hours.

2 weeks ago she was in the middle of quite a predictable run of eating when up (usually 6am) then every 4 hours but only approximately so roughly 6am, 10, 2, 6pm. She would follow EASY Eating on waking up, then an Activity then Sleep 2-2.5hrs after she woke up. Her shortest nap was the last of the day.

This week she flipped that and is having her shortest nap first so when she wakes up its not time to eat really so that's all out the window!

I literally just go by 1. She'll want to eat every 3-4hrs 2. Her Max awake time she can manage is 2.5hrs. So it's not really a routine but I know I can take the day in 'chunks' of 3-4 hrs first 2-2.5hrs awake last 1.5-2 asleep.

Mine was also cat napping 45 mins about a month ago it does make it a bit more tricky but if you know Max awake time baby can handle and look for tired signs it can bring a wee bit of structure. HTH. There is no way you are doing things wrong you can only respond to baby's pattern IMO. That's what I'm doing. Do you think it looks wrong? Give yourself a break you are doing so well!

[LetsPlayBamboozled]

I should clarify dd happened to be doing EASY of her own accord, I did not know this was a thing or routine until I read it on here. Its not something I tried to implement.