How to do controlled crying

(47 Posts)
KikiShack Sun 30-Mar-14 18:31:40

Hi, just wondering if anyone can point me to a good resource about how to do controlled crying.
Please don't tell me not to do it, DP and I need our evenings back and I need to be able to go out occasionally without feeding DD to sleep first then doing about 15 stealth transfers until she settles for 40 mins before waking god knows how many times before actually sleeping a decent stretch.
Questions I need answering are basically about what to do re naps.
DD is 6 months old and very happy and healthy and can sleep till 4am after a dream feed, maybe longer, and I'm happy to keep this one nighttime feed up while she needs it, in case anyone is worrying she's a little 6 week old or something!
Surely some of you have done it with success, please point me to where you read up on preparation!

KikiShack Mon 31-Mar-14 15:40:40

bump

mrswishywashy Mon 31-Mar-14 16:09:15

Here is a brief description http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferber_method I find it better to cap the crying at 15 minutes. And I've only ever done this a few times.

As a sleep consultant I'm more likely to recommend the gradual withdrawal method. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/867209-gradual-withdrawal-if-you-did-it-how-long-did-it/AllOnOnePage

Either way you need to draw up a plan that you and DP agree with and stick to it as much as possible. I'm happy to give advice via PM (free) if you would like more of a plan.

Isolde85 Mon 31-Mar-14 17:45:19

Hate to say this but I did final feed at 11pm, travel cot on the other side of the house, shut the doors, and just went back at 6am (I was going maaaad and knew DS could do 7 hours, he was 4 months old). DS was very happy to see me every morning and after a few weeks started sleeping through all by himself. I could not find this "lock away your child" actually endorsed by any childcare books etc however eeeeek. I just couldn't face staring at the clock listening to crying for 5 mins, then 10 mins, then 15 mins, if you are doing that you might as well just get up and give them a bottle and save yourself the anguish!!!? Good luck!

Mamabear12 Mon 31-Mar-14 18:08:46

Isoldee45, omg, weren't you afraid something might happen? Okay, I guess nothing could happen...but I would feel bad about the baby crying for so long (or maybe not so long). I've thought about doing what you describe, but feel a little guilty. I could def do it right now....well after my son gets over his cold. He is five months and still wakes at 12 and 3am! He should be able to go at least from 12 to 6am. I'm exhausted of being exhausted and want to try what you describe. Did you hear your baby at all? Did you feel guilty? Thing is - I'm visiting home for four months. Everyone sleeps upstairs and I would have to go to basement and leave him upstairs- so assume my parents will have to listen to him st night crying! I don't want him to be in the basement alone bc it can get cold. Did you worry about it greeting too hot or cold? Did you just set your alarm to 6am to go and get hi?

KikiShack Mon 31-Mar-14 21:31:10

Thanks tons wishywashy, I will read that thread in detail as will DP and I might take you up on your kind offer to help. I'd much rather do a gentle method if at all possible, I'm much more on the attachment parenting side of things generaIly, I just don't have any faith that a gentle method will work, but I can follow instructions so will gladly try a gradual withdrawal plan.
Yikes isolde!! I have been sorely tempted to do that sort of thing but DD is not quite 6 months yet (any day) and I'm sure Its illegal before then hmm, and more importantly I live in a ground floor flat with only 5 rooms so I dont think it would work so well!

Albertatata Mon 31-Mar-14 22:52:53

Decide to do it and be consistent. It took 3 days with my DS 45mins first night, 10 mins the next and less than 5 on the third. Far far far less crying than when I did the gradual withdrawal or PUPD methods - that used to just wind him up more.

It's not easy though, I now have a DS2 who is 6 months and I think I'm probably getting to the sleep traInjng stage but can't bring myself to do it even though I know it makes life so much easier and DS1 was actually far happier once he could happily go to sleep in the cot.

ElBombero Mon 31-Mar-14 22:58:11

hmm Could of written this post myself!

Infact that's why I'd come here to start the chat. I too need advice . Never thought I would have to consider CC but I'm 7 months in and at my wits end. He's slept through once ever (and it was whilst GP had him!) but is generally up 4-7x a night and I'm fucked basically. Had enough.

Trouble is, he's so bloody adorable, madly in live with him I don't know if I'm strong enough for CC

ElBombero Mon 31-Mar-14 23:00:30

Isoldee shockangrysad awful

Martorana Mon 31-Mar-14 23:08:03

Please, whatever you do, don't do what isoldee did. Just...don't.

Even the most ardent proponents of controlled crying don't think you should do it when they are less than a year old.

You say you need your evenings back,OP. Is there any way you can organise that round the baby? Have him sleeping in a cot downstairs? Co sleep? Remember that you have years and years of evenings to come and resign yourself to not having them at the moment?

notaflamingclue Tue 01-Apr-14 07:16:46

Isolde, I have to say I don't think that's so terrible. It worked after all! A lot of bollocks is spouted about the 'harsher' methods of sleep training but, having just done CIO with my 13mo (resounding, unqualified success), my personal experience is that it is infinitely less confusing and therefore kinder. My DD took a grand total of 3 nights to get the message and as a result is already sleeping longer and is much happier in the day.

ElBombero Tue 01-Apr-14 07:27:51

Notaflaming can you explain your method? Need a simple how to on CC.

NOT closing the doors and going to other side of house so I can't hear a thing hmm

jaggythistle Tue 01-Apr-14 07:28:19

6 months is very young.

Mine both woke up loads around that age then improved a bit so if you can be patient it might get better.

I did no sleep training on either of mine and they both learned to settle by themselves between one and two, it's really not something that absolutely must be learned from training, so if you don't want to do it, don't.

I did buy the No Cry Sleep Solution, but only used Wed bits of it, as I was too lazy to do the whole thing

Having a baby does rather take up your evenings...

I think people expect a lot from tiny ones like yours, it just seems to be luck whether you get a sleepy one!

I also just kept mine with me in the evenings till they zonked out a bit. They both go to bed at 7 now, but it took a long time for them to actually be ready to settle at that time.

Martorana Tue 01-Apr-14 07:37:00

Notaflamingclue- isoldee's baby was 4 months old.

Artandco Tue 01-Apr-14 07:40:12

Try speaking to the women at simply sleeptime.

Artandco Tue 01-Apr-14 07:40:45

That's for a non crying method of getting them to sleep

vichill Tue 01-Apr-14 08:02:38

It is advised that you shouldn't attempt cio until at they're at least 1 year.

Each to their own but I couldn't bear to do it, especially so young at a time when they're often in pain.

It is not a battle of wills to get a baby who may physiologically be able to sleep 7 hours stretches to do so. Forget the film and wine nights, a 4 and 6 month old should be responded immediately.

jaggythistle Tue 01-Apr-14 08:05:33

You can still have film and wine, maybe just with a baby on your knee. smile

notaflamingclue Tue 01-Apr-14 08:57:19

Sorry just spotted 'DD' typo in original post! I have a DS, not a DD.

ElBombero, this is what I did and why: since a bad episode of teething a few weeks ago he got into the habit of being cuddled back to sleep. We decided first to try CC, going into him after every 8-10 minutes (bearing in mind he's not as tiny as some). However, I realised that his crying was starting to taper off by about 8 minutes so when I went in to him, all I did was start him off again, screaming with anger and frustration.

So we decided to just let him be. That night we just stopped going into him. He cried, which quickly turned into whinging and he settled back to sleep after about 25 minutes.

The following night when he woke up I would go in to him, offer water and return his dummy and comforter. Then, I'd leave the room. First night, he cried for about 10 minutes. Second night, 5 minutes. Last night he woke for a drink around 2am, got his dummy returned and then didn't want to know me: settled straight back down to sleep.

As a result over the past 3 nights, he has been sleeping 12.5 hours, instead of 11 hours. He has been happier in himself during the day (probably because he's not tired) and is just as confident and nowhere near as clingy as when he's tired.

My personal experience is that this method is, without doubt, the kindest and quickest way to teach him to self-settle. I have tried them all in the past - PUPD, shush pat, gradual retreat, CC, and various combinations. For my baby, this worked best and suited him best.

I do realise it may not work for everyone. I'm just glad it works for us, and I hope it works for you too ElbBombero.

josephine1986 Tue 01-Apr-14 12:01:14

Surely rather than teach the baby to self settle, you are just teaching them that there's no point crying because no one is going to come? Isn't wanting to be comforted a valid reason for a baby to cry?

notaflamingclue Tue 01-Apr-14 12:10:25

No I'm not teaching him that.

I know my baby, there was nothing wrong. I know that he was just getting angry because I wouldn't cuddle him to sleep. My point being proved by his obvious disinterest in me when I went in to him at 2am this morning.

If you're happy cuddling to sleep - good luck to you. I'm not happy doing that. I don't sleep when I do that and I work FT. I'm afraid I just don't believe all that guff about it being cruel. My personal experience is that it is by far and away the kindest sleep training method.

jaybirdsinginginthedeadofnight Tue 01-Apr-14 14:56:14

Oh notaflamingclue you may have poked a hornets nest there, get ready for the stings grin

Though I agree with everything you've said and after fainting through sleep deprivation my GP gently suggested I sleep train DD. We did CC at 7 months and now she sleeps 12hrs a night and she's 2. She loves bedtime smile. Not only saved my marriage but my sanity as well!

What we did was bedtime routine, bath-bottle-book then we told DD it was bedtime, that we loved her and put her in the cot, once she started crying I started my stopwatch, intially waited 1min went into her said shhhhh shhh it's bedtime gave her a kiss and left again, then at next cry wait 2mins before going in, we set intervals at what we were comfortable with basically went in after 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 9 and I never needed to go over 9mins, though was willing (reluctantly) to go to 15 if we had to! Took 3nights and we haven't looked back since. For our family it was a life saver.

Nosleeptillbedtime Tue 01-Apr-14 15:11:32

We did a method whereby we stayed with ds till he slept. Then over weeks, gradually withdrew from the room. Our ds needed to learn how to put himself to sleep and he did it the first night and slept much better. I found this much more humane.

TheKnightsThatSayNee Tue 01-Apr-14 15:19:23

Im not sure the exact 'rules' for controlled crying but we just went to see dd straight away if she was crying just in case she had done a poo or was sick. Then said good night and left her for a few minutes. I would time it because it seemed like forever but she never cried for more than 10 mins before she settled (most of the time it was more like 3). we mainly did this becuase comforting her didnt seem to work anyway.

Nosleeptillbedtime Tue 01-Apr-14 15:22:12

Can I just add that I don't think you should do what Isolde did either. Our monitor failed once and hen we finally went into ds he was utterly hysterical, clearly terrified and doing a hideous rhythmic scream that I have only heard before from someone hit by a car. I think he had gone into a type of terrified shock. It took him almost an hour to calm down enough to do a whimpering cry instead. Babies are utterly defenceless that is why they are programmed to have a deep desperate need to know someone they trust is looking out for them.
Putting them somewhere far away so on can't hear them scream because one finds it uncomfortable to hear this is a bit pants IMO. You are taking the emotional pain from yourself and putting it on your baby instead, who is unable to rationalise or minimise this emotional distress.
There are other less brutal methods to try.
Good luck op!

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