Tell me I'm doing the right thing. DH not speaking to me.

(125 Posts)
SourSweets Wed 12-Mar-14 00:45:30

I'm sleep training our 7 month old. I was always against the idea until recently. He eats plenty during the day, he doesn't need feeding.

This is the fifth night. It's gone like this:

First night: awful.
Second night: better
Third night: good
Fourth night: perfect
Fifth night: awful (so far)

DH says he doesn't understand why I don't just pick him up. We have discussed this before starting and he was totally supportive but now we're in it he's finding it hard. So am I. It is hard, I get it. But after an hour of crying the baby has finally gone to sleep, I've asked if DH is ok. He says yes. I say I know it's hard, but I'm not having a one or two or three year old who won't sleep in his cot because he's been taught he doesn't have to. He says fine. I ask if he's in a mood, he says no. He clearly is.

It IS the right thing to do, isn't it? DH says I might aswell leave the room and abandon him if I'm not going to pick him up. I'm still comforting him though, I hand hold, re-dummy, tuck in and stroke. I just don't talk, feed or cuddle.

Has anyone done the same? I'd love to hear tales of success please. Reassure me that I'm not an evil bitch. At this stage we all need a decent night's sleep, the baby included. I'm doing no-one any favours by letting it continue. (Hear the desperation as I try to convince myself?)

Thank you, as always.

ViviDeBeauvoir Wed 12-Mar-14 01:02:08

I haven't done sleep training but I definitely won't judge you for doing it as I remember the tiredness I felt when DD was a (non-sleeping) baby.
FWIW my DD co slept with me in the end but she's perfectly happy to sleep in her own bed now and has been for years (she's just turned 5) so not sleep training your DS doesn't mean he won't go into his own cot/bed.

Does he fully understand why you're doing it and is he really supportive of the decision? I'm guessing you do most of the wake up duties so it's you that needs him to sleep? If your DH doesn't like the sleep training maybe he could take over some nights of putting him to bed? If he can't stand the crying and you're happy to tackle it on your own maybe he could go out while you do it and you won't feel under pressure like he's judging you.

You're not an evil bitch. Just do what's right for you all as a family and don't feel guilty plenty of opportunities for guilt in the future, about everything else

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 12-Mar-14 01:02:10

Well I wouldn't have done it with either of mine.

Does your DH want to go and cuddle him and you won't let him?

aufaniae Wed 12-Mar-14 01:14:08

At 7 months both my DCs have needed feeding in the night. I honestly don't think you need to worry about them not sleeping at 2 or 3 because you feed them now. It's normal to feed at night at 7 months.

aufaniae Wed 12-Mar-14 01:14:36

Have you c

aufaniae Wed 12-Mar-14 01:16:30

Oops, posted too soon!

Have you considered co-sleeping? That's how I get mire sleep. (Appreciate it's not for everyone but if made a big difference with mh first baby).

aufaniae Wed 12-Mar-14 01:18:53

If your DH us finding it hard, can he help by making sure you get more sleep somehow? Could he do some of the night wakings (expressed milk?) or do the mornings so you can havd a lie in?

aufaniae Wed 12-Mar-14 01:19:40

Or formula from him at night perhaps?

primigravida Wed 12-Mar-14 01:24:19

You are doing the right thing. I did sleep training at that age with DD and it worked well after the first week. She has been sleeping through the night for eleven or twelve hours since and is now nearly three years old. Her friends who weren't sleep-trained and slept in their parents' bed are still waking up several times in the night aged two or three years old. You have made great progress. Your DH will come round once she starts sleeping through. If he doesn't like it - tell him he can take over all night duties instead of it being your responsibility.

LowCarbHeaven Wed 12-Mar-14 01:30:46

I think 7 months is too young. You can't expect them to sleep through the night that young. Waking through the night is all part of the parcel! If your husband is uneasy about it I wouldn't do it either. Imagine he was doing something to your children you didn't really want him to do. Not a nice feeling! I really recommend co-sleeping.

LowCarbHeaven Wed 12-Mar-14 01:36:11

Also for what it's worth my son still needed fed through the night at least once until he was nearly one. I knew I could never sleep train him. Babies need held for comfort. We co-slept and all slept well and he transitioned into his own bed and cot at 14 months no problems and has been sleeping 8-8 pretty much since. He is now two and looking back I am so glad we did it the way we did as meant we all got a good nights sleep and there was no unhappy tears. Have you looked at the no cry sleep solution book? It's very good.

SourSweets Wed 12-Mar-14 04:46:52

Ugh.

I know he doesn't need to be fed as he's gone through the night before. He has never been a great sleeper but once we started solids he was much better. Then for some reason he started waking in the night every hour, at first I cuddled and/or fed him every time but he'd do one or 2 sucks a and be asleep again so I know he's not actually hungry.

I also know his cry and it's not a hunger cry. He'll do a shouty cry, stop crying to look at me, realise I'm not going to pick him up sand start the shouty cry again. He doesn't want to be settled by anyone else so I couldn't get my husband to help. He'll scream and scream when DH has him, I'll take him and he'll look back at DH and laugh. He's starting to be aware of how he can influence our behaviour.

DH was definitely totally behind me doing this when we discussed it. On the first night I was in tears with it and it was him who wanted to continue. I'm of the opinion now that we've started so we'll se it through, otherwise we've put our baby through upset for no reason. I also got advice from the health visitor before we started who saw my baby, weighed him, listened to how much he eats during the day and told us to do it.

I cannot continue waking between 5 and 10 times in the night, every night. I just can't do it, it's actually making me feel ill. I never would have considered doing it when he was younger as I know they need to wake, but he doesn't need to anymore.

If you didn't need to sleep train your DC that's great for you, I wish I didn't either but I don't feel I have any other option. What I really need is to hear from people who DID train their DC.

primigravida Wed 12-Mar-14 05:11:37

Soursweets - I'm with you all the way. Babies can sleep through the night at seven months. My daughter was sleeping through from ten weeks but then starting waking up to seven times a night around five months so for two months I was a zombie and I nearly crashed the car twice from lack of sleep. Co-sleeping didn't work for us as both of my two were too wriggly and would wake me even more by moving in their sleep. No-cry sleep solution was a complete failure for us. Stand strong Soursweets. You are nearly there. Seven months is a great age for sleeping training. We did it later with my DS and it was a lot harder.

Southpaws Wed 12-Mar-14 06:14:13

Just because he has slept through once doesn't mean he doesn't need feeding on other nights. Is your appetite the same every single day because mine isn't. I think I would be upset if I happened to skip lunch one day and was then told I couldn't have lunch ever again!

Most bf babies I know fed at least once a night until 10-12 months. Mine did and is now a 3 year old who never wakes at night. Personally I think he is too young to do sleep training given that you can't possibly know whether he is actually hungry.

What kind of sleep training are you doing? I know with my DS if I had stayed in the room but refused to pick him up it would have enraged him and kept the crying going a lot longer. I did controlled crying and it worked within a couple of days. Never had to leave him more than a few minutes crying either.

drinkyourmilk Wed 12-Mar-14 06:27:27

I know several maternity nurses, and without exception they have their 7 month old charges sleeping through. They may still give a dream feed, but would be weaning the babies off by now.
You are not being cruel, or heartless.
I am as soft as mud and even I would do sleep training if I was at the end of my tether. Keep doing what you are doing. If you find that he

24again Wed 12-Mar-14 06:27:36

I sleep trained ds1 at five months and ds number 2 at 7 months. It wasn't very nice but, like you, I just couldn't function after being woken every 60 - 75 minutes. DS1 took four nights, DS2 about a week. My sister has just paid a very expensive night nurse to do the same thing but with her two year old as they could stand the lack of sleep no longer!
Stick to your guns - you know your child best.

Stubbed Wed 12-Mar-14 06:27:44

I'm training my 6 month old not to feed at night (after seeing a paed on Monday who confirmed physiologically she didn't need to feed at night) but I am cuddling her instead. I though I'd do it in stages. Anyway she's been unsettled since midnight it's hard and I'm knackered...

drinkyourmilk Wed 12-Mar-14 06:29:41

Bah.
If you find he continues to get worse look at gradual retreat. It may or may not suit you.

Nb. I would monitor his food intake and give an extra feed before bed if he hasn't eaten well.

Your DH needs to pick up the slack if you're that desperate.

And I sleep trained my DS at that age as I was a lone parent and virtually suicidal from lack of sleep (no exaggeration). I will never forget how horrific it was to be so tired all the time, especially when in sole charge of someone so small who needed so much attention and time. (I loved him of course but that doesn't make it any easier at all).

If you're in the room then that's not going to work though. I take it you're doing the timed approach? (Going in every few minutes, adding on minutes each time etc)? Maybe wait a month or two and keep feeding him at night if you're not sure (during which your DH should be willing to pick up the slack sleep wise if he's so concerned).

(Milk right before bed helped DS. He was such an awful sleeper at first and CC was a lifesaver. Do what feels right).

DesiderataDisciple Wed 12-Mar-14 06:36:16

Stick with it. I'm sure you've broken the back of it by now. Take it one day at a time. Sure, there'll be regression from time to time as you've already found but good quality sleep is so necessary, you're doing this for everyone's benefit.

DialMforMummy Wed 12-Mar-14 06:39:26

If you are an evil bitch then so am I. 7 Months is fine IMO unless to sleep train. In our case, we felt that when we were in the room to hand hold or pat the back or whatever, it made DS even angrier because we did not pick him up. So yes, we let him CIO. He would start crying, we would go in to say we love you but it's not time to get up and then we'd leave.
It lasted less that five days and he has slept fine ever since. When he wakes up now in the night, it's because there is something wrong.
It is so worth doing but yes, it is hard because no one like to see/hear their child crying.

AnythingNotEverything Wed 12-Mar-14 06:44:30

Regardless of what people think about sleep training, you and your husband agreed to do this and I think it's important to stick with it together.

FairyPenguin Wed 12-Mar-14 06:51:00

We trained our two this way and they were younger than yours - you're doing the right thing. It's good for everyone in the long run. If he is hungry at night (one of mine still fed once a night till 9 months), you will know the difference when it's a hunger cry. Your DH might not, so if that is the case, he will have to trust you. It must be hard if he is making you doubt yourself instead of supporting you. You're nearly there, keep going!

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