4 week old baby - Help !

[dibley30]

Hi
I'm a first time mum so am all new to this job!
I have a bottle fed 4 week old. He is putting on weight well and feeds every 3 - 4 hours and pretty much at the following times 6- 7am, 9.30 - 10.15am, 1.45 - 2.30 pm and then 5pm and top up around 6.30 - we then put him (or try to ) to bed. My husband feeds him at 10 - 10.30pm. He then usually wakes for a feed around 1.45- 2.45 and then will rouse somewhere between 5.45 - 6.30 (not usually near 7am). He sleeps in his own cot - I sleep in the room next door so can still hear his cries but not the snuffles ! We have a baby monitor and a respiratory alarm monitor.

He was obviously quite sleepy when he came out of hospital, but that has all changed now....

In the evenings we try to put him down around 6.30 - 7pm. It is anyone's guess whether he'll settle. He can cry for about 10 minutes or will grizzle on and off for longer - if he's overtired, it's an intermittent moaning which then tails off as he fights sleep. If he's upset, it's escalating wailing - so we can then decide what to do (ie leave or deal). He then tends to settle fine after the 10.30 and 2ish feeds as we whip him back into his cot without too much fuss (and feed in the dark). Most people have said that the evening slot is the one which is hard to get a baby to settle. Any ideas what to do with him if he won't settle ?- I know that the obvious kind thing to do is to pick them up and have a cuddle and believe me that's what I'm naturally inclined to do. However, am I creating a rod for my own back by doing this or should I just sit by the cot and rub his tummy/ other ? I'm having a bit of a battle with my husband over this one.

Also during the day, he is not inclined to go into his cot, without a fuss, for a nap. I tend to put him tummy down (he sleeps on his back in his cot at night) - on his playmat instead by me, and he will then drop off fine for a nap. He'll also go to sleep in his buggy or car seat (that seems to be the norm). Should I try to encourage him into his cot again on his back, or should I wait for this for later on ? Is it ok to leave him to sleep supervised on his tummy? Is this going to stop him happily sleeping on his back at night. It's just so nice to see him asleep without me tramping the streets every day !!

Any advice greatly welcomed please - particularly with advice re crying and the tummy daytime naps...
Thanks

[oliveoil]

I think you have answered your own query there with 'I know that the obvious kind thing to do is to pick them up and have a cuddle and believe me that's what I'm naturally inclined to do'

Please do so, you have a 4 week old, there is plenty of time to 'train them' later.

I really would just go with the flow at this age, if he wakes in the night, bring him in your bed, if he cries, pick him up etc. Go with your gut.

Not sure on tummy daytime naps tbh, I think you are supposed to put them on their backs, both mine slept on their backs.

xx

[colditz]

I would not bother even trying to put him down in the evenings until at least 10 weeks old. He has spent longer inside you than out, of course he wants to be close.

follow your instincts on this. If you feel something is cruel, don't do it, no matter who wants you to or how trivial it is. It's not that it is cruel, but it will make you so unhappy.

You won't be creating a rod for your back. He will be a completely different baby in 2 weeks time, never mind 6!

If he doesn't want to sleep in his cot yet, don't make him. What about putting him in the pram for naps? Then you can have a little walk/rock to send him off, then go and put your feet up!

honestly, pick him up and have a cuddle. My baby is 15 weeks now, but at that age he went to bed at the same time as me. If he has a feed at about 10, take him to bed with you for it and settle him as you would a night feed.

BTW my ds2 now sleeps from 8 until 8 with no problems settling, although he still feeds at night. He goes out like a light in the evening, so no rods made for me!

[JessaJam]

DS has only just started to go to sleep in his cot for daytime naps and he is neraly one, previously he was rocked/cuddled/'jiggled' to sleep ona lap an dthen put down on a mat on the floor or wherever. But he's been falling alseep by himself in his cot at night for aaages...which is probably luck more than good practice!

You could try picking him up and cuddling him when he gets upset in the cot at night until he calsm down and is seeming virtuallyu asleep, the gently place him down, so thatthe last few seconds of falling asleep are done "alone" - that might be good ocmpromise between you and your husband...

[Callisto]

Pick him up and cuddle him. He doesn't even see himself as a separate entity from you yet so of course he cries if you're not there. Ignore all rod for own back comments too - so unhelpful. And congratulations btw. Enjoy.

[oliveoil]

I used to try and put dd2 down at nighttime and then spent all evening up and down the stairs settling and feeding, marooned my myself upstairs.

I then came to my senses and fed downstairs, watcing guff on the tv with a glass of wine, while she slumbered on my knee/sofa.

Maybe move the cot into your room also (if room) bit young to be on his own in my opinion.

I think it best to think of the first 3 months as a fourth trimester, ie don't make any plans!

I started a half arsed routine (which is still v flexible and not followed) at about the 3 or 4 month mark.

But I am v slack on the parenting front and don't abide by rules in books etc.

xx

[jambot]

Well, my approach is a bit different to the others. DD (now 16 months) has slept in her own bed in her own room from the start - initially a carry cot inside her cot. She's never been in bed with me. Did have her in with me for the first few nights and I didn't get any sleep. She made constant noise and I was a nervous wreck lying there waiting for her to wake up. Moved her into her own room and think we both slept much better. I started off with a proper bedtime routine from about 3 weeks. Bath, bottle in her darkened bedroom, no talking, eye-contact, burp, singing of the same song every night, cuddle and straight to bed. Most nights she'd settle ok, but when she didn't I'd go in and do some rocking of her bed which was normally enough. You get to know the different cries and I got to know the cry that meant "I'm not going down without a cuddle". I'd cuddle her until she had calmed down and was sleepy, but always put her back down awake. The evenings will get better in a couple of weeks once he gets used to the bedtime routine.
Day naps will also improve with time. I used to put my DD to sleep in her pram for the first few weeks but wish now that I'd put her straight into her bed as she never slept very well in the pram and I was pushing round and round trying to keep her asleep.
DD always slept on her side by the way, supported by wedges. Hated being on her back and as soon as she could roll over has slept on her stomach.

[dibley30]

Thanks for that advice. He has been in his own room too since day one as like you none of us were sleeping at all rather than at least some of us getting some sleep. I had a nightmare evening last night.....Went down a dream at 6.30ish (I always give 2oz formula at 5.15ish and then 2 oz after a bath around 6pm - we then have a bit of massage - clean nightclothes and then the rest of the bottle another 2 oz- wind and down)...and then he woke at 10.15pm - for a 4oz feed and after winding etc, every time we tried to put him down he was having none of it. Every time his head hit the mattress, the screams started. I then tried to comfort him for 2 and a half hours - he was head butting me (overtired ?) and making little coughing noises and then wailing. I couldn't get him to settle any which way - he wasn't hungry (I did try a bit more feed just in case but he didn't take it) - I changed his nappy and made sure he was well burped. I confess that I eventually found a dummy in my cupboard about 1am , sterilised it and popped it in and he drifted off to sleep although did wake up a couple of times when he'd spat it out. I then fed him at 1.45am and he went back down and slept til 5.45 (I didn't give him the dummy again).

I will try to get him to go down for daytime naps in his cot again as I am finding it exhausting having to push the buggy around to get him to sleep when sometimes I just need to sit down and perhaps sleep myself ! I put him on his playmat for a bit of "tummy play" just after the mid morning feed yesterday only to find that he'd drifted off to sleep a - for 3 hours over the lunchtime period. I really didn't want to wake him even though I know that even tummy sleeping for naps is not recommended. I kept a close eye on him. I'm thinking I might try to sleep him on his side with wedges (maybe that might help) - he hates swaddling as he gets frustrated that his arms are caught up and wriggles them free - I have put him in a 0.5 tog sleeping bag though which he seems to like.

I'll keep persevering although am feeling exhausted at the moment

[quootiepie]

im no expert but it sounds like he wants his mummy. Have you thought about getting a bedside cot? My DS screamed as soon as his head hit the mattress after feeding, and stopped when I put him in bed next to me... never been out since! With a bedside cot you'l still have all your be and none of the co-sleeping risks (rolling ontop, overheating by getting under duvet etc.) but he'll still feel close to mummy. Under six months they're not really meant to be on their own - I read that your natural instincts react better than you think... changes in breathing etc. Not saying this nastily by the way. As I said, im no expert.

[quootiepie]

sorry, I also read it wasnt the danger of suffocation sleeping on tummies, its thought it might be the fact they sleep alot deeper on tummies and that is linked to cot death. You can be watching them sleep on tummies, but I think the risk is still there. Have you got a swing? That would be better than tummy sleep...

[clairemow]

Poor you Dibley. I did something similar to Jambot - DS did sleep in our room until he was 3 1/2 months, but I found it really hard to go to sleep myself too. He never slept in our bed at all. The daytime naps do take a while to settle down, I didn't really have any regular ones sorted with DS until he was well over 6 weeks. 4 weeks is still so tiny. Like Jambot, we did have DS in his cot in the dark in the evening from v. early on, and some nights it was easier than others. Quite often I used to fall asleep as well just lying near him on our bed and wake up around 9ish! If he didn't settle, I used to try more milk, cuddles, winding, v. quiet singing etc. and sometimes it would take ages. But I did always try to settle him in a darkened room - try to enjoy cuddling him and stroking him. At 4 weeks, I don't believe you can be making any sort of rod for your own back - its such early days. You just need to do whatever feels comfortable for YOU - try not to listen to anyone else telling you you must do it differently - as you can see just from the suggestions on this thread, we all have different ways of dealing and coping, and you need to try to find a way that suits you. And what works one day might not work the next!

I also remember walking miles to get DS to sleep in the day, but eventually he did settle in the cot at lunchtime naps as well. Still does, and he's 2 1/4 now! Now we have the opposite problem and he won't sleep in the buggy...!

If you're watching him all the time, I don't see how his lying on his tummy could be a problem - you'd see if he got into difficulty, but I'm not qualified...

Mostly, remember he's only really tiny, and it's all totally new for him too, after 9 months of being all cushioned in lovely warm fluid... Who'd want to come out?! Try to relax and enjoy him and don't stress if he doesn't do exactly what you'd like when you'd like - I found that really hard, but wish I had relaxed more.

Good luck! And sorry if this post is rather rambling....

[magnolia1]

Have to agree on sleeping in the room with you, babies know when mummy is close to them and I found it easiest to sleep beside the cot with my hand on babies tummy if they were unsettled worked a treat.
As for putting to bed as a matter of routine at 4 weeks, I did this with dd1 and she went to bed awake at 7pm every night from 6 weeks never a problem BUT. I now have 4 children (soon to be 5) and have learnt there is no need to rush into a routine, all the other kids as babies had the evening feed downstairs and then slept on daddy till next feed at 10/11pm before bed (we went up at the same time and it was so much easier.
Moved each one at 6-12 months and built up to a routine jusr before hand

P.s. Never feel guilty or that you are spoiling a baby by picking them up when they cry xxxx

[magnolia1]

Meant to say moved each one into their own room at 6-12 months

[LIZS]

dibley30 , hate to say it but think you are expecting rather too much from one so small. He is still at the stage of distinguishing day from night, sleeping as and when he feels tired, eating as and when he needs. Try not to stress about putting him in a cot during the day , mine slept all over from pram to bouncy chair to playmat. Eventually they associated moses basket/cot with a longer night time sleep. Have you tried a sling when he is unsettled or a brisk walk around the block to settle him for a nap, and if you have someone else who can do this you get your break and nap too. However do try to keep him on his back, he is rather too little to benefit from "tummytime" play and wouldn't be able to help himself if he was sick or got stuck face down. You say supervised but I nodded off unintentionally more than once at that stage, please don't take the chance.

He will in time start to develop a more structured pattern of waking, feeding, playing, sleeping but try to enjoy him as he is , they change so quickly

[jambot]

Dibley - poor you, he really does sound very unsettled. DD was also like this to start and then the midwife diagnosed mild reflux. It helped to prop her bed up a bit so that she wasn't lying so flat and I also made sure I kept her upright for about 10 minutes after her bedtime bottle in order to let the milk settle a bit better. Even if he doesn't have reflux, it won't hurt to raise the mattress at one end and you may find he actually prefers it.

[MiaMamma]

My DD used to sleep on her tummy during her nap times from about 4weeks until 8weeks, she just didn't settle on her back. I used to have her in the living room with me, so when she woke up I could turn her around straight away. She always slept on her back during the night, didn't have any problem with that. I think it's just a phase - now she doesn't like to sleep on her tummy at all.
So I think you shouldn't worry much about it, as long as he feels comfortable, you can keep an eye on him and you feel he's safe, you can let him to sleep on his tummy.

[dibley30]

Thanks for all the advice. I've decided to chill out a bit and go with the flow otherwise this period will pass with a flash and I'll regret not enjoying the enjoyable bits more and taking the difficult bits in my stride (hard I know when you're a bit tired). I've realised (you old hand mums out there may think I'm daft for thinking this in the first place - but bear with me !! - I had to learn myself) that after 4 weeks, you can't "control" a 4 week old baby and as long as generally they're happy (which really he is) - he can sleep wherever he fancies during the day and as long as he sleeps (which he does when he goes down), I then get a rest during the day - in fact I've found a good book to read when he's napping and have decided to make the most of it - I know those sleepy periods don't last long either. As for his night time wailing, I've found that a good long cuddle in his room or on the bed in the room next to his (until he's in a deep sleep) gets him off - if that's what it takes at the moment, then so be it - he then sleeps for a good 2 - 3 hours - hurray ! - I'll worry about having to cuddle a 17lb baby to sleep later on when I feel I might have the knack of this motherhood thing a bit more !!!