Sleeping arrangements - what are yours?

(24 Posts)
JustLetMeSleep Fri 24-Jan-14 14:08:29

Am hoping for a bit of variety in the responses here as I feel a bit of pressure to 'do something' about ours. Any reassurance?

DD2 is 9mo, and DD1 is 5yo. DD1 sleeps fine in her own room, own bed. I start off in our bed with DH and move into a bed in DD2's room with her first or second waking (she wakes between 2 and 5 times a night). DH sleeps in our bed all night and doesn't get up unless I'm having problems settling DD2. After railing at friends about this I think I just have to accept that he has always been rubbish with broken sleep and getting up early and his contribution comes in other forms. Anyone else?

slightlyconfused85 Fri 24-Jan-14 20:10:09

I only have one and she is 14.5 months. Moving rooms never really occurred to me! I would just get up when she woke, feed her in a different room to DH if he was working next day, and then re-settle her in her cot, however long that took. Then would go back to bed with DH. He is a light sleeper anyway, so he'd wake when she did most of the time, but I would do the getting up when on mat leave.

How do you feel about the arrangement? If you're happy with the arrangement then it doesn't matter does it? Perhaps he could let you sleep all night one day at the weekend to give you a break?

Well, when pregnant with DS2, DS1 was a horrible sleeper.
I spent many nights sleeping on DS1's bedroom floor, hand through cot bars. I actually had enough duvets and pillows living in the room to make it comfortable. Luckily he got better at sleeping before I got too big (as in went back to sleep in less than 2 hrs)

DS2 arrived, and I had crib in spare room, along with a double bed. I shared / co-slept (depending on the night) with DS2, feeding on demand. DS1 had the baby monitor resurrected, and it was wired to out bedroom for DH to deal with DS1. I suspect he dealt with 75% of the wakes, but there were still times when I woke for him first.

DS2 is now in a bed, but we have kept the double in there. If he is having a bad night, one of us (me if after DH has come to bed, DH is its before about midnight that he gets very restless) sleeps in the double, with him either in his bed or the double.

DS1 is now much better at staying in his bed, but if ill, tends to cosleep with me. DH is away for the next 2 weeks. I'm fully expecting to share my bed with a wiggly 4 yr old.

If either DH or I are ill and either not sleeping well, or disturbing the other, one of us will decamp into DS2's double.

So, musical beds here, and has always been.

StuckOnARollercoaster Fri 24-Jan-14 20:23:24

We have 7mo DD in our room still, so we both stir when she wakes up and cries but he'll go straight back to sleep while I either feed or settle her. Used to be easier as the side was down on the cot and she was next to me but we've had to put it up as she now moves around too much.
Works for us as a couple because I'm not working and can catch up in the day if its a particularly bad night. We've just put off my return to work though so we can see if we can get better night sleeping and possibly then into her own room before crossing that bridge. At that point when she doesn't need my boobs and we're both working we've talked about taking it in turns.

JustLetMeSleep Sun 26-Jan-14 12:18:27

Thank you. slightly I have days when I feel ok about it and days when I think I can't really cope with it any more. I feed her to sleep in the night so DH can't really take over, but I think I need to try to get away from that. She won't let me rock her to sleep because she wants milk though, and she won't settle in her cot, so I'm up 5 or 6 times a night feeding. I don't know whether to stick with what we've got, full on co sleep in her room or do controlled crying (probably a gentle version where we have short intervals and pick her up each time). I'd like to stop bfing really but can't see how as formula seemed to upset her tummy.

addicted how old is DS2 now? One of my main worries is that by feeding her through the night I'm just perpetuating it and it will be years before she sleeps through. I will struggle going back to work on this much sleep.

stuck that sounds good but DH doesn't like sleeping in with us when I'm up in the night as it disturbs him. I'd hopes that when we moved her into her room I'd be in once or twice and be able to go back to our bed but actually she's up so often I just end up in the single bed next to her cot. If it's a really bad night we turf DH out and co sleep in the big bed. There isn't room for a double and the cot in her room.

JustLetMeSleep Sun 26-Jan-14 12:19:42

Sorry, that all sounds very whingey. I guess something does have to change soon, but I don't know how to do it, bf or formula, co sleep or cc. It's just too much and I don't want to cause her too much upset, but gentle attempts haven't changed much!

DS2 was a dream. Sleeping 12 hrs with 1-2 feeds by 4 months. DS1 was a nightmare. Around 9-10 months, he stopped feeding to sleep. So I stopped feeding in the night. He started sleeping through 4-5 nights a week aged 3.

I did the same with both kids ie fed on demand. I don't thing feeding on demand aids or prevents sleeping through.

slightlyconfused85 Sun 26-Jan-14 20:29:23

Does your DD eat and drink well during the day? If so, I would look at getting rid of the feed-to-sleep thing if you can. It might take a bit of gentle sleep training if you can handle that. That way, she may after a while go down to 1-2 (or maybe none!) night wakings, and could be settled by either of you. If you're not feeling okay about it then your DH should help you - it's not like you're sitting around all day. If you can work on not having to feed her to sleep, then he hasn't got an excuse not to get up to her now and again too.

Mytimewillcomebutwhen Sun 26-Jan-14 20:37:17

I sleep in a double with DS age 3. He mostly sleeps through now but can be restless and a nightmare to resettle. We co slept when I wasn't getting sleep as he was so bad. At 2.9 ish I stopped using milk completely as a sleep cue and we're fine. I'm still in here as DP has hurt his arm badly and is in a lot of pain so sharing a bed would be awkward for him. Also I'm pregnant and very sick so it's much easier to nip out of this bed to be sick rather than waking badly sleeping DP. I did struggle at first but am focused on us all getting as much sleep as possible and this is the best way. I found everyone and their stories of perfectly sleeping children very demoralising and don't give anyone the opportunity to think they can feel superior now. It works for us for now...

HugoTheHippo Sun 26-Jan-14 21:40:52

DD1 is five months and is turning into a cot refuser, so we are becoming accidental co-sleepers. Her cot is still in our room and we try and start her off in it every night - sometimes manage a couple of hours, sometimes just a few minutes!

We fortunately have a big bed so there is room for me, DD and DH, as he doesn't want to sleep in the spare room. I'm still on mat leave and bf'ing, so I do night duty, as she still feeds every three hours at night. He helps at the weekends (takes her downstairs after 7am feed so I can have a few hours to catch up). Hoping that with the introduction of solids at six months things will get easier. But I remind myself that she won't be a baby for long, so I should enjoy the cuddles!

JustLetMeSleep Mon 27-Jan-14 07:29:35

addicted that is kind of encouraging and kind of depressing. I was hoping she'd manage it before 3!

slightly yes, I think I do need to get out of the feed to sleep thing and try to get down to just for hunger but I'm not sure how to approach it. I wasn't feeding her to sleep for naps but am so knackered lately and she's been so hard to settle I've done it a few times. She does eat well and has several longer milk feeds in a day.

slightlyconfused85 Mon 27-Jan-14 21:14:12

I was lucky with my little one and she dropped night feeds on her own, but I had a friend who did night wean but the only way it worked was for her DH to settle the baby when he woke. If she went in he would want milk, if she wasn't there she settled for a cuddle to sleep with her dad instead. Would he help you for a couple of nights (over a long weekend or a holiday) to see if this might work for you? Long term gain and all ...

JustLetMeSleep Tue 28-Jan-14 14:17:32

mytime congratulations, and sorry you are so sick. How did you stop using milk as a sleep cue? I spent an hour yesterday trying to settle DD2 in the cot before having to sling her to sleep and then sleep in bed with her, and half an hour today cuddling her to sleep while she screamed, neither really working great! All she wants from me is milk and I find it quite horrible now.

hugo I think that's what DD2 is now, a cot refuser. Unless she is really out to the world she screams and screams as soon as she's lowered into it, and until she's fetched out again. It's very rare that she will lie in there and just be happy and awake, even rarer that she will fall asleep in there. Am planning to try to change our evenings to get her in earlier and without feeding to sleep but am really dreading it tbh. Am thinking of abandoning the whole cot setup in favour of a big mattress on the floor but it's not ideal, and then ties me to co sleeping which I feel could become more of a problem.

JRmumma Tue 28-Jan-14 14:41:12

This might not be entirely helpful as in not sure whether you are asking where we sleep or if DH helps out, but we have 1 DS 5mo. He went in his own room at 4 months as he outgrew the Moses and our room isn't big enough for the cot.

He is a good sleeper and only wakes for 1 feed and sometimes 1 other time and need settling each night so DH and i do alternate nights so we both get unbroken nights sleep.

Some people seem to think this isn't fair on DH as im on mat leave but he or i don't think this means i need a food sleep any less than him. Although if he has a particularly bad night for DH on a work night then i often take over around 4am so DH cam get some sleep. But he will do the same for me if its a weekend.

I think you just need to do whatever works for you as a family. If you need more help from DH then tell him.

JRmumma Tue 28-Jan-14 14:42:15

Good sleep, not food sleep!

JustLetMeSleep Tue 28-Jan-14 16:06:38

Thank you jr. Your DH sounds like a star! Im afraid mine just won't do that regularly. I guess if she was just waking once then maybe, but she's up 4 or 5 times a night at the moment. He tries to settle her if he's still up, so until about midnight really, but often she just won't go back in her cot at all.

JRmumma Tue 28-Jan-14 16:46:59

Yeah i think regular 4-5 times a night wakings isn't so compatible with having to go to work. When we were at that stage DH did Friday and Saturday night and i did week nights. I didn't manage breastfeeding though so DS isn't associating me with food, which probably makes it easier for DH to help.

I also believe its totally down to luck whether you get a baby who sleeps well or not. Like most aspects of parenting you always wonder whether you can change things but probably cant.

JustLetMeSleep Tue 28-Jan-14 17:15:36

I think for that reason I'm going to try to wean her now. I was going to wait until she was 1 but it's just becoming unmanageable now and at least if she had formula then DH would have the same chance as me at settling her. I think ff does make things much more equal, probably avoiding a fair amount of relationship tension!

Andcake Wed 29-Jan-14 11:45:18

at 6mo ds was waking every hour so we started co-sleeping a bit. he was happy with company so stopped feeding at night strangely. To give us more room in bed we side carred his normal cot and kept him in our room. Art 1 yr we tried to get him back in his cot/room - worked for a few weeks with a few nights of sttn. BUT it then stopped working - colds, teething - we moved cot back in but this time with side on right next to my side of bed. DS is now nearly 18 mo (i know I know) he has sttn 2x this year in his cot. He starts off in his cot - as he is a nightmare to get back to sleep (3 hrs plus usually) in the night he usually ends up in our bed if I can get him quick enough when he wakes and then will sleep for the rest of the night. As soon as he is next to me will close his eyes and straight back off - in his cot NO no no- playtime or screaming - usually screaming

So dp goes to be later than me so decided on spare room or our bed when he comes to bed.

It kind of works.
when we move ds back to his own room soon we plan to put a mattress on the floor so one of us can be there but at the moment we are taking the path of least resistance.

DS 3.6 starts the night in his bed but nearly every night ends up in ours, usually around 5am which I can deal with, plus he goes in dh's side grin

Then we have dd 14.5 months who starts the night in a 3 sided cot pushed right up to our bed. shes not breastfed but was until 12 months so she still v much likes to be close to me. she usually wriggles around and ends up in our bed too.

So there's usually 4 of us in our double bed. not exactly comfort.

fflonkl Wed 29-Jan-14 14:43:12

I sleep with DD (10 mo) in the spare room, and DH sleeps alone in our bed. We've done this since the beginning - DH works very long hours and is a light sleeper, and I bf at night so it makes sense for us.

As for HOW DD and I sleep ... it just depends! She normally starts off in the cot, but if she wakes up multiple times then she comes into bed with me. If she wakes up only once or twice then I would normally put her back in her cot.

I also think luck determines whether you have a baby who sleeps well or not. When DD was 7-8 months I had a horrendous time - up every 2 hours and took a long time to settle each time. I was seriously contemplating sleep training, and then she suddenly started sleeping for longer stretches.

Currently we're in a good-ish phase and have averaged roughly 2 wake-ups/night, usually around 10pm and 3-4am, and she normally goes to bed around 7 and is up between 7-8 am.

All this is down to her (without me doing anything really) the only thing I've done really is get her used to sleeping in her cot!

Artandco Wed 29-Jan-14 14:43:29

We have all 4 of us in one bedroom. Children are 4 and 2 and have own cot beds but often climb in our super king size bed when they fancy. We have times when we are super busy working in the day so are happy for them to come in for a cuddle at night if they feel they need to. It's getting less now and they mainly come in around 6am

JustLetMeSleep Fri 31-Jan-14 18:53:26

This is reassuring me. At the moment DD2 is up every hour from being put down, and then every two hours from about 11.30 onwards. She's poorly and sleeping in bed with me from when I go to bed. I have to say I've just about had it and really considering cc when she's better. Together with the pinching, hair pulling etc. while I bf her I am just fed up and not a nice mummy to DD1 either, which I feel bad about. Am still trying to find a formula that she gets on with so I can wean her. Something does have to change.

patchesmcp Fri 31-Jan-14 20:08:04

I have a DS who 3 next month and a 8 month old DD. I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've shared a bed with DH in over 3 years shock

I moved into our spare room when I was pregnant with DS as I was sleeping so badly and needed to spread out on the bed. Then when he came along I stayed in there, with him either in his crib or on the bed with me. When he was 6 months he went into his own room but as he woke up so often I stayed in the spare room and just brought him in with me. He started sleeping better around 18 months but that was also the time I fell pregnant again and couldn't sleep so I stayed in the spare room.

I'm still in the spare room now with DD. She's in a travel cot and tends to sleep in there unless she's sleeping badly in which case she ends up on the bed with me. She wakes a minimum of 2 times a night and I don't have the energy to walk from our room to the spare room to feed and settle her.

The advantage of this is I now leave DH to sort DS out in the night when he wakes, and also first thing in the morning whereas if I was in there I'd probably end up sorting them both.

I bf DD, as I did with DS. DH really struggled to soothe DS as he was just such a hungry baby and just wanted feeding all the time. He can sometimes soothe DD but I'm reluctant to let him try in the night as I worry about her waking DS up.

In summary I've not slept properly in over 3 years angry sad

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