Feeling bullied about CC (everyone insisting it's my only option!) and needing a bit of cheering up :(

(22 Posts)
nextphase Thu 07-Nov-13 20:53:44

Sorry, not read the other threads except yours, emerald

DH talked me into CC with DS1. It was hell on earth. He would fall asleep, leave me and a screaming baby for 2 hours (he was awake between 1 and 3 am every night), DS would lie in cot a chatter if I dozed on the floor next to him, he just screamed for the same time when I wasn't there. I hacked it for 10 days (thats 20 hrs of screaming God why did I let it go on that long) before I told DH that either he stayed awake, or I was doing it my way. DH honestly didn't beleive that it was one wake. he thought I'd been asleep for most of the time.
If your not wanting to do it, don't.
Its only a sleep problem if you want to change it (well, I'm sure you'd love to get a few more hours, but I hope YSWIM).
DS1 settled eventually. He now wakes very early, but stays quietly in bed til he hears our alarm clock go off, then bounces in.

ilovepicnmix Thu 07-Nov-13 20:44:10

Hi emerald. I think it just happened! I can remember when it happened as it was father's day and Id spent the day exhausted, miserable and feeling like I couldn't cope anymore. That night things got better and I haven't felt like that since. Im not saying he has always been brilliant since then but the nights of 'intervention' between 2 and 12 times ended. I was obsessed by sleep and naps and it's no longer a huge deal anymore thankfully. At the time it felt to me that I was never going to sleep properly ever again and I talked about it a lot. It's horrible horrible horrible when you're sleep deprived so you have my sympathy.

purrtrillpadpadpad Thu 07-Nov-13 20:41:32

Hi emerald, I remember some of your posts from when I was expecting my DD, now 6 months. I think you need to believe in yourself a bit more. You sound lovely and your little one is well loved and cared for. I agree with other posters suggesting shush pat and so on. You will know better than others what will work for your family. I understand the vulnerable feeling of questioning your own judgement and feeling unsure, but your gut instinct is right and it is there whether you are horrendously sleep deprived or not. You will do the right thing.

Sorry for posting style but am really bloody whacked myself so can understand the sleep deprivation.

Clarella Thu 07-Nov-13 20:39:43

read part 2 of that link too to get the full picture.

Clarella Thu 07-Nov-13 20:35:19

ooo and some rather interesting stuff on what ' self settling ' really is and where it came from (I hate that phrase!!) which has helped me!

uncommonjohn.wordpress.com/2013/02/14/the-real-self-soothing-its-not-what-sleep-experts-think-it-is/

Clarella Thu 07-Nov-13 20:31:20

lots of good advice here but I think the main thing is go with your gut - it can't be done unless you absolutely really want to. everyone I know incidentally who has, has had to do it again at the next cold/cough/teething phase.

no cry sleep solution is good as is baby calming but I must admit I've now read 'three in a bed' about cosleeping and realised my gut was absolutely telling me that for us, this was our best way. every baby is an individual and there's no one book or method that fits all. I must admit I went through a phase of 'I'm a failure' and I should be sleep training till I realised for my son sleep training involved showing him how to sleep by being with him.

its hard and I feel for you - big hugs and do what you want to do - she's your baby.

FaithTheVampireSlayer Thu 07-Nov-13 15:05:21

It's by no means the only option! We've been doing it with DD and it's worked really well. We previously tried PUPD which honestly seemed to rile her. After an hour of crying we abandoned that! CC worked for us/her but I couldn't do the initial nights. I got DH to do the leaving her/going into her while I cleaned up the kitchen with the radio on so I couldn't hear her. We did going in after 2 minutes/4 minutes/8 minutes and potentially 16 but she never cried for longer than 8 minutes. One thing I'd say about this technique is you and your OH both have to be in agreement about it and have to be consistent.
I'd second The No Cry Sleep solution for gentle ways to improve sleep - it helped me to set up a nice bedtime routine and cue in naps.

Littlebagoflaughter Thu 07-Nov-13 14:39:11

Poor you, it is horrible when you feel under pressure to go against your instincts, have you read a boom called 'Babycalm' by Sarah Ockwell-smith? One of the few parenting books which didn't make me feel anxious. She basically says follow your instincts because no one knows your baby like you do. I think she also talks about cc and the negatives about it if you want some back up to quote at people! I read that by the age of two there is no difference in sleeping between sleep trained babies and those who weren't sleep trained, so my feeling is I would take lack of sleep over screaming if by two they all end up the same.

yadahyadah Wed 06-Nov-13 21:51:07

Actually, it was the right thread. I have in fact short circuited. Sorry blush.

yadahyadah Wed 06-Nov-13 21:48:44

agh! wrong message, wrong thread. I am going to noodle off to bed.

yadahyadah Wed 06-Nov-13 21:47:32

You sound like a pretty confident person to have stuck to your guns on the issue thus far. Have you seen that bit in Kung Fu Panda when the clever tortoise says to self-doubting Po 'Stay/don't stay; noodle/don't noodle' - I love it and IMHO this is the key to dealing with parenting advice, of which as we all know, there is MUCH. At the end of the day, it's all 'noodle/don't noodle...'. Be certain of your actions if not your thoughts - sounds like you ain't a CC-er to me.

NoComet Wed 06-Nov-13 21:38:00

Didn't work with DD1 she just screamed all the longer and louder every time you went in.

DD2 just BF and co-slept bits of every night until she was old enough to have a feeding cup of very dilute squash by her bed.

She BF fed, we snoozed and I put her back in bed an hour or so later when she fidgited and she slept through to the morning.

She was no trouble, you didn't mind feeding her in the night, because she did it in such a snuggly, cuddly relaxed way and never resisted going back to her cot if she was wriggling.

She seemed to instinctively know how not to be annoying.

SanityClause Wed 06-Nov-13 21:36:37

Oh, I did all this at about 15 months, so a bit older than your DD is.

SanityClause Wed 06-Nov-13 21:33:41

I did what I think is now called gradual withdrawal.

I would put the DC to bed, lots of cuddles etc. Then, I would faff about in the room for a bit, putting stuff away, and not interacting with them, at all.

After a minute, I would announce I was going out, and I'd be straight back in. And I would do just that.

Then I'd stay in for a while, not interacting, but just being there. Then I'd announce I was going into my bedroom ( the next room) and I'd be straight back. And I would do as I said.

So, I would repeat this, each time going out for a bit longer, but each time doing exactly what I said I would. Finally, I would announce I was going downstairs, and I would pop in when I came up to bed. I never let them cry. They always felt secure, because I did what I said I would.

Before doing this with DD1, for example, I would sit with her and stroke her and sing to her for at least half an hour before she would go to sleep. What I did took about that long, but as she learnt to trust me, I didn't have to go through the whole rigmarole each time, and soon, I could just put her to bed, and she would go to sleep.

I don't know if you could adapt this?

emeraldgirl1 Wed 06-Nov-13 21:23:52

Ilovepicnmix... That is v heartening to hear! Do you think he slept better as his eating got more consistent/proper meals etc? Or do you think it was just something that happened? I do know that DD's improved daytime naps just sort of happened around 7m. I did do some gentle nap training (a version of wake to sleep) but in the end I think she just outgrew the short naps and grew into longer, fewer ones.

emeraldgirl1 Wed 06-Nov-13 21:21:12

Mintyy, you're right, it isn't bullying, I just feel royally fed up with being lectured about it and people have been literally insisting that it is THE ONLY solution!! That's good advice about the book, I'll get it on amazon tomorrow!!

I do think its the kind of thing you need to be very sure about, and as I'm not remotely sure I won't be doing it... I have just spent the last week feeling like a complete muggins, as if everyone else in the world is happily CCing and I'm the only idiot still up multiple times a night...

HeeHiles England Wed 06-Nov-13 21:08:33

I couldn't do it - when a baby cries how can you teach them that mummy or daddy won't come? Do whatever makes you and baby happy and fuck every one else!

ilovepicnmix Wed 06-Nov-13 21:08:13

Don't do it if you're not comfortable. My DS is 16 months old and sleeps through pretty consistently. He just sorted himself out without any training. His sleep improved hugely at 11 months.

Mintyy Wed 06-Nov-13 21:06:30

Sorry you are going through all this, but its not bullying is it?

Have you heard of a book called the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley? It is perfect for parents who want to try a very gradual approach, like you.

pumpkinkitty Wed 06-Nov-13 21:03:59

I felt really pressured into CC too. Even my bloody health visitor was on about it, apparently a 6mo bf baby not sleeping through is odd!

I stuck to my guns. Depending on the person my response went from 'well see' to 'I cannot let my child cry, it's cruel' depending on who it was and how many times the nagged me!

My DD is now 1yo. We cosleep but she now sleeps through most of the time. I knew she would at some point, I'd often joke with my friends that she won't be waking up or a feed every hour at 21!

I think she jut took longer to grow into it. If you don't feel happy doing it then don't. I joke people who have and are happy with the results but by the sounds of things you have to have nerves of steel and be very resolved to it. If you're not then it's not for you.

Stick to your guy feeling. If you don't want to then don't. Oh and don't be worried about being rude to people who repeatedly keep telling you it's the only way. It's not!

howaboutacuppa Wed 06-Nov-13 20:55:37

You should only do what makes you happy and what you're confident with, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.

There are plenty of other gentler sleep training methods out there, for example 'shush-pat' and 'pick up put down' if you want to try something else.

If you do want to do sleep training at all then that's fine too - most children sleep through the night eventually. You'll have to be prepared for lots of more sleepless nights though!

emeraldgirl1 Wed 06-Nov-13 20:04:23

As my thread title suggests (!) I'm constantly being told that CC is my 'only option'... that I'm certifiably insane not to be doing it etc... Have been told by three friends in as many days, and then this afternoon the bloody cranial osteopath decided to lecture me about it as well!!! Had taken DD there in (probably foolish, but desperate) hope cranial osteopathy might help, and while telling me it might help the osteopath also told me very bossily that I really should have tried CC by now, he'd never met a baby it didn't work on.

Friends over the weekend were going on at me about it... I have absolutely no issue with other people doing it btw, the friends who have done it have perfectly delightful and lovely children who have clearly in no way suffered from being allowed to cry as babies! I just know it's not for me. I cannot/will not let DD cry for me and not go to her. I don't mean I think it's ok to rush in at the slightest murmur (she is 8m now btw) but I won't lie there in bed while she screams 'um-um-um' (her new attempt, I think, at saying 'mummy' and not go.

But I am not the most confident person and I am doubting myself sad

Am I an idiot/wimp, as everyone is implying, for struggling on through the months of sleep deprivation when a few nights of CC might solve it all? (though I have to say am unconvinced by notion that it works on ALL babies; anyway in our case DD is a full-throttle SCREAMER and proving to be a very strong little character already, albeit a cheery and happy one, so I couldn't be sure it would work on her tbh!!)

I might sound quite upbeat but I am really getting into a bit of a tizz, the months of sleep deprivation are making me quite emotional and I feel as if everyone I know thinks I am doing it all wrong.

I keep re-iterating that it's just not my thing, but people keep on at me as if it will solve every single problem.

DD has gone into a bad phase of separation anxiety so couldn't letting her cry just make it worse? I just worry that she will lose trust in me.

Sorry for rambling but can anyone (CC-ers or non-CC-ers!) make me feel in the slightest better?!

x

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