Why can I not feed DD to sleep?

(60 Posts)
stopprocrastinating Sun 25-Aug-13 22:29:10

Please remind me why we’re controlled crying?

DD falls asleep on the boob, very easily, and is then transferred from our bed to her cot. Due to impending move to nursery, DH is insisting that we do crying it out controlled crying. I don’t like it and neither does DD.

When we have mastered DD self-soothing. We’ve just done third night in row, of controlled crying, do I need to then start putting her down awake, every night? If we revert to falling asleep on the boob, will all the crying it out have been in vain. She’s six and a half months old. For the last few nights, I've moved her just as she's coming to end of feed, and before she's fallen asleep.

DH has two sisters, and they both did controlled crying for their children, and he’s been listening to their advice on getting children to sleep. DD is still waking every two to three hours, and whilst I cope, DH hates it.

I've agreed to move her to nursery, at seven months, and consider giving her just water at night, at eight months (as per his sisters advice). DH is worried, that if we don't act now, we could have a poor sleeper for years to come. I'm much more laid back.

Is he right? Try to convince me that he is correct. I've compromised, and I don't like it.

mewkins Fri 30-Aug-13 22:40:27

Hi op,
I can't say what is best for you but I did something similar (stayed in room baby whisperer method) at similar age and it worked well. I had to do something as feeding to sleep wasn't working and dd was waking every 40mins all night every night as could ONLY get to sleep by sucking. It was hideous as I was doing every night get up. Dh didn't see a problem as he is a heavy sleeper and rarely woke up. I can sympathise with your dh and lack of sleep is very hard to cope with if you need 8hrs a night to function properly AND you know that there are techniques which can help- it's understandable that he is keen to try a different tactic.
It took about a week but dd has slept well throughout the night since. Even teething etc hasn't disrupted her routine. So it can work very well but ideally both parents should be happy to do it and committed to it as consistency is everything with any sleep training. If you plan to revert back to your old routine it will be a lot of heartache for nothing.
Xxx

trilbydoll Wed 28-Aug-13 17:01:40

I think someone has already said this, but isn't 6 months too young for it to have a permanent effect? If you are going to have to re-do it every time she gets more teeth or is ill, it seems a bit pointless to go through all the upset (for you and her!)

ipswichwitch Wed 28-Aug-13 12:44:09

the trouble with cc is that yes it might work in that you baby will fall asleep quicker, but the minute they get ill/start teething/have growth or development spurts it all goes out the window so you have to go through it all again. like someone said earlier, what it really teaches them is to just stop crying.

I have been in your shoes op, with well meaning but insistent relatives who pile on the advice as gospel, and have very different ways of raising their kids to how me and DH want to do it. What may work for one child does not necessarily work for others.

DS was moved to his own room at 7 months and the night wakings did get less frequent, and DH was happy to continue with DS feeding to sleep until he was 16 mo and he self weaned, because he says it was more of an impact on me since I was the one doing it, and he wanted to support me for as long as I needed it. Now DS is 22 months and I can put him in his cot awake (as can DH), and sit next to him with no interaction until he falls asleep. Next step for us is gradual withdrawal, and DS is now capable of sleeping through, barring illness, teething or gobshite neighbours waking him up.

Seems to me though that you want us all to tell you that you are doing the right thing to make you feel better for agreeing to this in the first place. We can't tell you whats the right decision for you, but i strongly advise you to go with your instincts as they are very rarely wrong.

Sleepstarved Wed 28-Aug-13 12:14:24

Please don't leave your baby to cry for 15 mins. It's just wrong.
You are not teaching her to self soothe you are teaching her to give up crying.
Studies on cc show that cortisol levels are just as high after 3/4 nights when baby is not crying anymore as they were on night one when they were crying frantically.
Can't you at to DH that it should have worked by now and it isn't so let's try a different method?
( I am feeding DD2 to sleep now for a nap and she wakes 8/9 times a night, so I know about sleep deprivation and how you just want to shout 'go to sleep' but they are tiny babies and need us).

TinyTear Wed 28-Aug-13 12:03:06

Mine has been going to the nursery since she was 8 months, at the nursery she gets patted to sleep when tired and then sleeps for an hour.

out and about she sleeps in the pram...

At home mummy feeds to sleep...

Different techniques for different situations...

and 6 months is soooo young...

Pachacuti Wed 28-Aug-13 11:47:01

I fed mine to sleep until they went to nursery, and they slept absolutely fine there.

TinyTear Wed 28-Aug-13 11:43:58

http://nurshable.com/2012/07/19/the-wio-wait-it-out-method-of-sleep-training/

Waiting it out is better than crying it out...

TinyTear Wed 28-Aug-13 11:39:49

why is your husband unhappy, how does it affect HIM you feeding your daughter to sleep.
Mine is 19 months old and I still feed her to sleep and then she sleeps the whole night. no sleep training, no night weaning no nothing.
sleep is developmental and she will do it when ready.

does your husband get up in the night?
if he doesn't and you are ok to continue to do it, please do so. for your daughter.

she is still so small, she needs her needs attended. a cuddle is so much nicer than crying in bed...

gamerchick Wed 28-Aug-13 11:34:21

I'm puzzled to which technique you're using? Are you doing controlled crying OR Cry it out? They aren't the same thing.

She's very little for CC anyway and I recommend it as the last resort.

hettienne Wed 28-Aug-13 11:29:45

BW is good for sleep techniques that don't involve controlled crying/crying it out. I can see why kellymom wouldn't approve as her breastfeeding info is nonsense and her routines are really for bottlefed babies.

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 28-Aug-13 08:43:33

And the only parent I know who was devoted to the BW has a dd that still wakes every night at 8. That's not weeks or months, that's years shock

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 28-Aug-13 08:42:11

Just remember that if you do get hold of the Baby Whisperer its not evidence based, its just one woman's opinion and its also on the kellymom list of books to avoid.

Has your DH (or any of his family) read any evidence based information on infant sleep? Get him to read Studies on normal infant sleep, nursing to sleep and other comfort nursing and isis sleep is a fairly new website, its packed with good information and is an excellent place to start smile

Alexa007 Tue 27-Aug-13 13:42:03

I recommend u buy the baby whisperer book by Tracey Hogg. I used the shh pat tactic with my lo starting with day naps and then at night. Works for me, she now goes to sleep by herself at 5.5mo and sleeps through probably 4/5 nights out of the week. Other nights I pat her back to sleep in about 10-15 mins without a feed. I would never leave her crying unless it was just a tired moan, but sometimes she did cry during the shh pat routine. But I was there talking to her and holding her hand so I felt better about it. Needed to get it sorted before going back to work.

Also my lo falls asleep on the bottle at bedtime so I rouse her before putting her in the cot so she actually falls asleep in there by herself rather than me transferring her while she's sleeping.
I found the book really good.

CityDweller Mon 26-Aug-13 17:09:45

The time is most likely getting shorter because she's realising crying is pointless because she has, to all extents, been abandoned! CIO just solves the symptom (crying) not the cause...

NoComet Mon 26-Aug-13 13:21:39

Honestly would your DH listen to his sisters about what car to buy? What job to apply for?

He's trying to side step responsibility for his opinions by using his sisters as a shield.

If he doesn't like you feeding the baby to sleep he should say so, and not hide behind "but my sister says" and then you can have a proper couples discussion. That can still end with sorry I'm still feeding DD to sleep because that feels right, because you are the one doing the feeding and you get casting vote.

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 13:21:38

If your husband sees that this is making you unhappy, won't he change his mind? Or is it only him who deserves to be happy?
I am trying so hard not to say he is being controlling, but he is.
Fifteen minutes is a very long time.

NothingsLeft Mon 26-Aug-13 13:13:25

I think you haven't got the reassurance because 6 months is actually really young to be left to cry. 15 mins is a long time at this age.

Alway go with your instincts. You will be far more in tune with you baby than your DH. Babies wake up, that's what they do. Nights out together are also uncommon for the first year in my experience. It's not unusual at all, do t feel pressured smile

NoComet Mon 26-Aug-13 13:12:54

OP your baby is SIX MONTHS OLD

What she needs is as longer good night cuddle and as much breast milk as she wants to drink!

That's what she needs! What your DH needs is to man up, trust your instincts and his own instincts and stop discussing your business with his sisters etc.

EauRouge Mon 26-Aug-13 13:11:18

This is a really good website with scientific research about infant sleep. Why do you feel like you need to continue even though you and your DD are both clearly unhappy about it? You keep saying you regret agreeing to it- so have a discussion with your DH and tell him you want to stop.

No, I don't think a few nights will have a lasting effect either. smile
I had tried to word my post to say that, sorry.

If you and DD don't like it, don't do it! There ARE other options. I feed DS to sleep and as he got older he stopped falling asleep and was just happy for DH to take him to bed and sit with him for a bit, and that was that. It wasn't any kind of parenting philosophy - it was just how it happened. I am also a make-it-up-as-we-go-and-listen-to-instincts kind of parent.

BigPigLittlePig Mon 26-Aug-13 13:10:25

I haven't read the other responses, but this is my thoughts (for what they're worth!)

I fed dd to sleep for the first 6 months, and then switched to ff as I returned to work. She still sometimes nods off after a bottle (9mo), but there are more and more occasions now where she doesn't do that - and those occasions are the ones where she has learnt to self settle. I didn't see the point in crying-it-out, or controlled crying, or whatever.

If you did want to stop feeding her to sleep, for whatever reasons, then when she starts to nod off, but hasn't fully fallen asleep, unlatch her, and rouse her again, then when she has finished feeding, put her into her cot whilst she is sleepy but awake. You can gradually increase her "awakeness" at the point of being put into the cot. Much more gentle, although obviously can take a bit of time.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:10:10

I want to feed to sleep, but I also want a happy husband.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:09:05

Yes it is DH, he is very good with DD, it's just our opinions differ from time to time, and I've regrettably agreed to this. He works ridiculously long hours, and even finds time to help with housework. Definitely a keeper, it's just he thinks principles of cc make sense.

EauRouge Mon 26-Aug-13 13:06:05

You want reassurance that you're doing the right thing? All your friends have given you that. Why are you still unsure? If you don't want to do CC then don't. It's not the only way to bring up a child; there isn't one right way to do it. What do you want, ignoring for a moment what your DH and friends think? What feels right to you?

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:04:27

She cries for up to 15 mins, but its getting less.

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