Why can I not feed DD to sleep?

(60 Posts)
stopprocrastinating Sun 25-Aug-13 22:29:10

Please remind me why we’re controlled crying?

DD falls asleep on the boob, very easily, and is then transferred from our bed to her cot. Due to impending move to nursery, DH is insisting that we do crying it out controlled crying. I don’t like it and neither does DD.

When we have mastered DD self-soothing. We’ve just done third night in row, of controlled crying, do I need to then start putting her down awake, every night? If we revert to falling asleep on the boob, will all the crying it out have been in vain. She’s six and a half months old. For the last few nights, I've moved her just as she's coming to end of feed, and before she's fallen asleep.

DH has two sisters, and they both did controlled crying for their children, and he’s been listening to their advice on getting children to sleep. DD is still waking every two to three hours, and whilst I cope, DH hates it.

I've agreed to move her to nursery, at seven months, and consider giving her just water at night, at eight months (as per his sisters advice). DH is worried, that if we don't act now, we could have a poor sleeper for years to come. I'm much more laid back.

Is he right? Try to convince me that he is correct. I've compromised, and I don't like it.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 12:44:53

I'm all for making DD as happy as possible, baronessbomburst, but do not believe a few evenings crying it out, will have any lasting effect.

ExcuseTypos Mon 26-Aug-13 12:45:36

OP you've asked 'Why can I not feed dd to sleep?' In your thread title.

Lots of people have given you reasons why you CAN feed to sleep. And now your saying you don't want to stop CC. It's all a bit confusing.

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 12:49:36

Not really sure what you're asking here, do you want to be told the cc will work in a week? It probably will. Though with every sleep regression, teething etc i believe you'll have to do it over again.
I compromise with dh about lots of things. However, having gone through all the "hard" part of sleep/breast feeding with our dcs alone, the decision on how to get them to sleep is ultimately mine. I think it is a massive shock to go from feeding to sleep to cc. At only 6 months too. The no cry sleep solution stuff takes a bit longer, but is far gentler.
The bigger issue here though is, will you always do what dh's sisters do? Will you follow their instructions on weaning, reins, state v private, ear piercing etc etc? Or come up with what works for you and your baby

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 12:51:19

I feel like we've done so much of it, I don't want to undo it? We are making progress in self-soothing. Nearly all our friends/ family have done controlled crying, and advise that it works. It's just me and DD don't like it.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 12:54:44

Oh no, I wouldn't always follow them. I refused dummy and bottle of formula before bed. I just went and agreed to do this, and know DH will be upset if I change my mind three nights in. I'm refusing giving water at night.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 12:58:41

I wanted some reassurance that we are doing the right thing, but not had that.

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 12:59:24

How long is she crying for? You mention you wouldn't let her cry it out, if she wasn't already sleepy, so I'm not too sure if she's crying for a minute, ten minutes whatever. I think that makes a difference. Mine would become hysterical if left with dh at a time he wanted milk, at that age.
Do you want to set yourself a limit of a couple more days, and review then?
Thing is though, if you disagree with cc, then even if it does "work" (ie baby stops crying and goes to sleep) you still don't think that's a success on account of the message the baby has got about its needs not being met - obviously easier to persist with it if you fundamentally agree with the principle behind cc. (I personally don't - do you, or is it just your dh?)
Surprised everyone you know does this, certainly not the case on mumsnet.

PinkPepper Mon 26-Aug-13 13:01:07

Please do what makes you and baby happy. That's all I believe that matters.
Yes she might learn you'll just let her cry so not to bother. Is that really what you want though? It doesn't sound like it.
Would your husband leave you crying

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:03:24

No I don't agree with cc principle, I want to meet DD's needs. I regret agreeing to it. Not all our friends did it, but most of our closest did, even the health visitor recommends it. DH has been listening to friends / family and wants to follow the advice.

FootOfOurStairs Mon 26-Aug-13 13:03:57

All of your responses focus on what your dh thinks, feels and says. Is he the most important in your triad? Does he listen to your thoughts and feelings on this? Is he considering how distressed your dd is?

Imho you have an easy, free and effective way of getting your dd to sleep that causes her no distress and ensures she is receiving optimal nutriton. I'm not sure I would be in a hurry to change that.

The only things I regret about my parenting are where in hindsight I went against my instincts and listened to advice. Usually kindly meant, it was not right for me or my baby.

Fwiw, I still feed 2 yo dd2 to sleep now, it's a hell of a lot quicker than anything else. Dd1 was fed to sleep to 18 mo and now hops into her ownbed in her own room no issue, but if she has a nightmare she doesn't "self soothe" shemcomes to seek reassurance from her parents. Rightly so imo.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:04:27

She cries for up to 15 mins, but its getting less.

EauRouge Mon 26-Aug-13 13:06:05

You want reassurance that you're doing the right thing? All your friends have given you that. Why are you still unsure? If you don't want to do CC then don't. It's not the only way to bring up a child; there isn't one right way to do it. What do you want, ignoring for a moment what your DH and friends think? What feels right to you?

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:09:05

Yes it is DH, he is very good with DD, it's just our opinions differ from time to time, and I've regrettably agreed to this. He works ridiculously long hours, and even finds time to help with housework. Definitely a keeper, it's just he thinks principles of cc make sense.

stopprocrastinating Mon 26-Aug-13 13:10:10

I want to feed to sleep, but I also want a happy husband.

BigPigLittlePig Mon 26-Aug-13 13:10:25

I haven't read the other responses, but this is my thoughts (for what they're worth!)

I fed dd to sleep for the first 6 months, and then switched to ff as I returned to work. She still sometimes nods off after a bottle (9mo), but there are more and more occasions now where she doesn't do that - and those occasions are the ones where she has learnt to self settle. I didn't see the point in crying-it-out, or controlled crying, or whatever.

If you did want to stop feeding her to sleep, for whatever reasons, then when she starts to nod off, but hasn't fully fallen asleep, unlatch her, and rouse her again, then when she has finished feeding, put her into her cot whilst she is sleepy but awake. You can gradually increase her "awakeness" at the point of being put into the cot. Much more gentle, although obviously can take a bit of time.

No, I don't think a few nights will have a lasting effect either. smile
I had tried to word my post to say that, sorry.

If you and DD don't like it, don't do it! There ARE other options. I feed DS to sleep and as he got older he stopped falling asleep and was just happy for DH to take him to bed and sit with him for a bit, and that was that. It wasn't any kind of parenting philosophy - it was just how it happened. I am also a make-it-up-as-we-go-and-listen-to-instincts kind of parent.

EauRouge Mon 26-Aug-13 13:11:18

This is a really good website with scientific research about infant sleep. Why do you feel like you need to continue even though you and your DD are both clearly unhappy about it? You keep saying you regret agreeing to it- so have a discussion with your DH and tell him you want to stop.

NoComet Mon 26-Aug-13 13:12:54

OP your baby is SIX MONTHS OLD

What she needs is as longer good night cuddle and as much breast milk as she wants to drink!

That's what she needs! What your DH needs is to man up, trust your instincts and his own instincts and stop discussing your business with his sisters etc.

NothingsLeft Mon 26-Aug-13 13:13:25

I think you haven't got the reassurance because 6 months is actually really young to be left to cry. 15 mins is a long time at this age.

Alway go with your instincts. You will be far more in tune with you baby than your DH. Babies wake up, that's what they do. Nights out together are also uncommon for the first year in my experience. It's not unusual at all, do t feel pressured smile

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 13:21:38

If your husband sees that this is making you unhappy, won't he change his mind? Or is it only him who deserves to be happy?
I am trying so hard not to say he is being controlling, but he is.
Fifteen minutes is a very long time.

NoComet Mon 26-Aug-13 13:21:39

Honestly would your DH listen to his sisters about what car to buy? What job to apply for?

He's trying to side step responsibility for his opinions by using his sisters as a shield.

If he doesn't like you feeding the baby to sleep he should say so, and not hide behind "but my sister says" and then you can have a proper couples discussion. That can still end with sorry I'm still feeding DD to sleep because that feels right, because you are the one doing the feeding and you get casting vote.

CityDweller Mon 26-Aug-13 17:09:45

The time is most likely getting shorter because she's realising crying is pointless because she has, to all extents, been abandoned! CIO just solves the symptom (crying) not the cause...

Alexa007 Tue 27-Aug-13 13:42:03

I recommend u buy the baby whisperer book by Tracey Hogg. I used the shh pat tactic with my lo starting with day naps and then at night. Works for me, she now goes to sleep by herself at 5.5mo and sleeps through probably 4/5 nights out of the week. Other nights I pat her back to sleep in about 10-15 mins without a feed. I would never leave her crying unless it was just a tired moan, but sometimes she did cry during the shh pat routine. But I was there talking to her and holding her hand so I felt better about it. Needed to get it sorted before going back to work.

Also my lo falls asleep on the bottle at bedtime so I rouse her before putting her in the cot so she actually falls asleep in there by herself rather than me transferring her while she's sleeping.
I found the book really good.

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 28-Aug-13 08:42:11

Just remember that if you do get hold of the Baby Whisperer its not evidence based, its just one woman's opinion and its also on the kellymom list of books to avoid.

Has your DH (or any of his family) read any evidence based information on infant sleep? Get him to read Studies on normal infant sleep, nursing to sleep and other comfort nursing and isis sleep is a fairly new website, its packed with good information and is an excellent place to start smile

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 28-Aug-13 08:43:33

And the only parent I know who was devoted to the BW has a dd that still wakes every night at 8. That's not weeks or months, that's years shock

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