High Needs Baby Support Group (thread V)

(351 Posts)

A new thread for a new year! smile

The original thread was to support those of us with babies fitting the following criteria:

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Wont sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

Some of our babies have grown out of some of those now, but we're still here to support each other through the sleepless nights and noisy car journeys and to offer hugs, chocolate and wine to anyone who's struggling.

So if that list sounds familiar then come and join us as we delight in our active, inquisitive, curious and restless babies or toddlers!

Nightmoves Mon 31-Dec-12 20:43:42

Happy New Year for when it comes everybody. Posting now as I'm sure DS will drift off any minute now and sleep the peaceful textbook slumber I envisaged when pregnant, for the whole night. NOT!!!!!! Hope everyone has a lovely and not too disrupted evening.

DS has only just released the boob - after 2 hours! shock confused It's like he's a newborn again.

I hope you get that lovely uninterrupted night's sleep - I hear it's actually possible for some parents! grin

And happy new year everyone.

Evening all! DS started crying just as we sat down with our Chinese banquet but managed to get him back to bed.

Thankyou for your support the last few weeks ladies. I joined when I was at a desperate low point and luckily things are improving a little. I hope I can support others too.

Natmu Mon 31-Dec-12 23:19:19

Thank you for the recipe Joyful. Happy New Year to all you lovely ladies. Hope it's a good one. Just doing my last feed of 2012!

ticklemyboobsofsteel Tue 01-Jan-13 08:43:41

Happy New Year to you all smile

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 16:49:23

Hi everyone, can I join? I have been lurking on these high needs threads for a while but didn't really have anything to add...until NOW! This past week or two has been horrific and I am just so exhausted by the endless crying and demands from our 12 month old DS2.

He still fits all the criteria and has done since he was 2 weeks old. It feels like he was born crying and has never really stopped! We've tried referrals to paediatrician who recommended dairy free diet but that made no difference, then prescribed rantidine in case of reflux but again no change. I took him to cranial osteopathy for three sessions but again, made no difference at all. It's just the way he is.

He is the most beautiful and amazing smiley boy, for about 5 minutes a day and then the whinging, crying, clinginess and general fussing starts again!

The sad thing is that over Christmas he turned 1 and we are still struggling more than my friends with newborns! I feel so cheated as DS1 was infamous on here 4 years ago for his grumpiness and all the same high needs traits so I KNOW it doesn't last forever. I just feel so sad that once again I am on here wishing my baby's life away in the way I did with DS1. I wanted so much to enjoy it this time. I try and stay positive but there really is very little to enjoy. He is clingy to DH more than me which makes me feel like I am doing a crap job even though I am sure it's normal (DS1 was the oposite and needed me constantly). DH is back to work again tomorrow after Christmas holidays and I am dreading another day of carrying him around and listening to the whinging. He is not yet walking and I think this is adding to the misery for him but why oh why can he not just be content for 10 minutes??! He hates pushchair and car seat just the same as DS1 did so going anywhere is impossible without carrying him (he refuses any of the slings which worked for DS1) so ends up in our arms which is just not doable 100% of the time.

Sorry to moan. I have just found this past few weeks impossibly hard having DS1 off school and feeling guilty for all the ttention he used to get that he doesn't get anymore due to DS2. Arrgh, sorry, just ranting and letting you know I am going through it all too! Also went through it all with DS1 and it did get better SLOWLY.

Oh that sounds dreadful, pull up a chair and have a brew (or wine if you prefer!). Has he been investigated for allergies other than dairy? Did you cut out soya too?

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 20:11:17

Hiya Joyful thankyou, I'll take the wine thank you :-D

Yes I removed Soya too. It ended up with me stopping breast feeding at 4 months and switching to a dairy free formula (neocate) which he is still on though not sure if he is in fact intolerant to anything now or not! We are still under the paeditrician at the hospital (after a long hard battle to get a referral, kept getting fobbed off by health visitor and gp saying colic etc etc) Paediatrician agrees he was bloody difficult so agreed to help us try whatever we needed and try and get answers. I was so stressed out that my milk supply had all but gone by this point and then I had to add the guilt of stopping breastfeeding into the equation! I feel like a failure all round this time, whereas most people gain confidence by their 2nd, I feel at an all time low.

I have zero energy to deal with the constant crabbiness and the short naps, crying, whinging and snapping at DS1. Even though I KNOW it gets better, sometimes it's even harder second time round because I have DS1 to entertain and make sure his life doesn't come to an end just because it feels like mine has!

Sorry seem to have taken over the thread with my own whinging now but after a year, it's good to off load! I just so hoped it would all be different this time. Can't hekp but think I am just not designed to have babies. I can not stand the crying and screaming. Thank GOD I have DS1 as the light at the end of the tunnel.

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 20:12:53

Sorry that was a huge post blush. Anyway, good news is DH had his vasectomy last month so we will NEVER have to go through this again!

I know just how you feel! DD was a HN baby too (she's 3.6 now) and I was so hoping that it would be different this time. In a way I have more confidence, because this time I know that I'm not doing anything wrong (I wish these threads had been around when DD was a baby!). However I have PND again and have really struggled at times (as some of these ladies can attest! blush).

You're right that it's worse this time around because you have the older child to think of - where I used to spend hours with DD on the sofa I can't do that with DS. Fortunately DD has been very loving towards him and very patient with me, but I do feel guilty that she gets a bit neglected. sad

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 20:39:17

How old is your baby DS? Strange how it's affected us both times! Everyone said it would be so different this time....hmmm! DS2 is DS1's double (in looks and behaviour!) even down to the 30 minute naps, clinginess and the hatred of sitting still in pushchairs, needing to be on the move etc. Only difference is DS1 was walking by 11 months which did ease his frustration a litte, no such luck with DS2 he's still rolling around on the floor and not pulling up which again we have asked the paediatrician to keep an eye on. He can weight bear but has little interest in doing so. Like my sister says though, I don't know why everyone said it would be different this time, same parents, same genes, same parenting, the odds were pretty likely it would be the same but I didn't want to believe that at the time!

I feel ever so guilty too. I hate that I have sooooo much less patience with DS1, today after a looooong day of DS2's whinging and screaming for attentionm I really snapped at DS1 at bedtime for fairly typical (though slightly irritating) five year old behaviour. Now he's in bed asleep and of course I feel terrible and remorseful. This is getting a frequent occurance in our house at the moment and I hate it. It's not his fault I feel so shit.

Like you I was diagnosed with PND, I think I had it last time with hindsight but I wasn't aware of it. I just knew that I got very very low and I didn't realise it was PND because I had bonded well with DS1 and didn't realise that wasn't always a factor. I am sad to say I haven't bonded as well with DS2, largely because I do feel slightly resentufl of the time and energy he takes away from DS1 which I KNOW is completely unacceptable on my part. I am on antidepressants and go to counselling in order to get past it. I just feel very sad that in many way because of how it was with DS1, and the similarities between him and DS2, I am reliving the darkest most horrible days of my life and it's heart breaking sometimes. It took me over 2 years to really enjoy DS1 and I still feel guilty for that.

He had his first birthday on Christmas Day. smile I was hoping it would be different as apparently I was a HN baby (except my parents left me to cry) but my younger sister was as placid a baby as you could wish for. But no, I got a second one! confused Some other regular posters on here had 'normal' babies before their HN one though.

I think that feeling short-tempered is a natural result of both PND and having a HN baby. The two together can be really hard so please don't blame yourself for snapping at DS1. I tend to find that I have rapid cycling - where someone with bipolar disorder has days or weeks of mania followed by days or weeks of depression, I ping between the two in a matter of minutes or hours. I can go from happy smiley mummy to cross and snappy mummy in a matter of moments and I hate it. I'm gradually learning to spot when I'm cycling downwards but it's still hard.

I remember very little of DD's first 6 months, and not much of her first year. I was just in such a mess with the PND and anxiety. I didn't want to be like that this time (I had AND during my pregnancy with DS as well) so I'm on ADs. So far they're helping me be a bit more even in my moods and I cope better with stress - are yours helping?

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:50

Aww Christmas day baby! My Ds was Chistmas Eve :-)

My older sister was a tricky baby apparently but I was really placid. I was kind of hoping this time would be a doddle!

YES! I totally relate to the pinging between happy calm mummy and cross snappy mummy. Sometimes it's just like a switch flucks and all my anger seems to bubble out in the things I say to DS1. Tonight I really snarled at him for spilling a tiny bit of milk from a mug. What a bitch. I feel so sad now because he was so shocked. I know DS1 is a lovely boy, he is my world, so why am I so bloody rotten to him???! I never used to be like this. Not since DS1 was a baby anyway so he not used to me being stressed and snappy. I just need to get control of my temper. We have never hit DS1 and I know I never would but I can say the most vile things to him when I am stressed. Tonight I growled 'Can you not just drink like a NORMAL child without turning the house into somekind of a freakshow??' I don't even know what I meant by that but I was so venomous and evil in the way I said it... what is wrong with me?! I am a horrible mother :-(

Ahh this year has just taken it's toll on us and me especially. I am so desperate for DS1 to have a happy experience of having a sibling but so far his little playmate is a whinging, screaming, mummy stealer! Bless him. Thank you for allowing me to vent though! Lovely to see that still after all these years I can come on here and SOMEONE understands quite how hard it can be and that babies are not always the beautiful life enriching little beings the ads make them out to be.

Not sure if my ADs are working or not really. I am still feeling pretty lousy after a bad day but maybe I'd be worse without them. I certainly don't feel on top of my depression which I think the counselling is helping with. She's referring me for cognitive behaviour therapy to help me think more positively and not dwell on the negatives. How are yours working out?

Oh lovely, you are not a horrible mother. You sound very low and stressed (and understandably so!) but if you were a horrible mother you wouldn't care. How long have you been on the ADs?

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 22:37:53

Thank you. I do care but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way. I have been in ADs since DS2 was 6 months. I know how much I hurt DS1 with the things I say, I just feel so stressed and sometimes (often) he is the easiest one to shut up and take it out on which I know if horrible. Totally wrong. The sad thing is that he is all that is keeping me going right now and I feel like I am failing him so very badly. I hate that 'i am not the mummy I was to him before DS2 came along. I hate how much I resent DS2 for it when it's not his fault. I think I am just feeling sorry for myself.

You sound so like me. sad I don't really have any advice to offer, just hugs and support) and more wine?). Things will improve, in a year you'll look back and marvel how different things are.

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Tue 01-Jan-13 23:06:15

Thank you Joyful I really do appreciate having someone to talk rant to! How are you finding Anti depressants? Have they helped you at all? Sorry you're feeling similar to me. It's comforting really to know people understand. I know he won't be a baby/ toddler forever but I keep remembering how much of a long long way we have to go and how long it took to get any realy enjoyment last time without walking on eggshells the whole time and people looking at us and our parenting like we were from another planet! It's so tiring seeing the next year sprawling out ahead of me knowing the boredom and frustration we're going through!

How is your DS in the daytimes now? I am guessing night times are not good?

The ADs help keep me on a more even keel but I'm still up and down a fair bit. Nighttimes are definitely not good - atm I'm in bed with DS because he refuses to stay in the cot. Some nights he's awake every 10 minutes! shock Usually it's every hour or so. I can't remember what an unbroken night's sleep feels like, it's been so long!

MeandMyJoe - I really believe coping with a high needs baby makes you a great mum, regardless of tiny moments of being cross or switching your smile off. The majority of the time you're coping.

Meeting your HN baby's needs, in your case carrying him round, who your endless patience. Nothing makes you a better mother than that and I'm sure you're meeting your older child's needs too, even if you feel you're not. Big hugs to you. It is very hard.

Joyful, I didn't realise you had a previous HN baby. How is your DD now? Is she still HN, or does she have any personality traits that you'd link to her HN behaviour as a baby? Hope you don't mind me asking. I teach nursery (3 and 4 year olds) and I do wonder if any of them were HN.

DD is very demanding but as far as I can tell no more so than any other 3yo. She's quite stroppy highly strung but happily plays independently and goes to sleep on her own (and has done for about a year).

She's very intelligent - at 3.6 she can read, count to 36 before she gets bored and asks endless questions like "What are dreams?" and "Why does the bath water go down when you get out of the bath?" and can actually understand the answers. Quite often she asks questions that I have to look up the answers to! Her speech and comprehension are that of a much older child ("Mummy, something's been puzzling me...") and because she's tall people often think she's about 5.

Thanks Joyful, that's interesting. Wow, that is a very high level of language and understanding for a 3 year old. Brilliant. Most of the 3 year olds I get in my nursery class can't talk at all when they start..

I wonder how my DS will turn out. He's becoming more independent in the daytime he'll play on his own a bit and he plays on his own a lot in nursery.
He's not developmentally ahead at all though. Apart from sitting up, which he did very early, he's quite slow, he didn't crawl until 10 months and he isn't showing an interest in walking on his own yet. He can only say basics, mama, dada etc. However, he is very interested in numbers, if I count or sing number songs I have his rapt attention, and he makes 'counting' noises.
He definitely has a strong personality and has done since birth. At the moment he is testing boundaries a lot. He knows when he's done something 'naughty' like biting and will shake his head. And laugh usually.

<fears the future>

Mitsouko Wed 02-Jan-13 10:04:39

Happy New Year ladies! And happy birthday to both the Christmas babies...

Welcome, MeAndMyJoe and sorry to hear that you're struggling. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job though. I have so much admiration for all you mums with more than one HN child - I can barely cope with one!

MeAndMyJoeNowHaveRowan Wed 02-Jan-13 22:28:14

Thanks for making me so welcome everyone. WOW puddle your DD sounds so much like my DS1 at that age. He's 5 now and very scientifi in his thought processes and extremely articulate, again he is tall for his age and often gets mistaken for a 7-8 yr old. He is very sensitive but in a good, compassionate, gentle way. He is actually amazing now and very well behaved, sleeps independantly, he's just lovely. (Though he always knows best and can be very bossy).

Thank you to everyone for all the kind words. It does mean a lot. Today has not been a good day but i don't want to hijack the thread and make it all woe is me but thank you all. x

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