Co-sleeping! Stigma!

[naturemum]

Hi!

Am co-sleeping with DS (3 months). Am breastfeeding and find that this is a perfect arrangement. We (DH and I) really like having him close to us. It's lovely and cuddly!

We do have cot - beautiful Stokke Sleepi - which lives by my bed and baby will settle in it - but not as well as when with me.

I'm not in any hurry to change this arrangement as I feel that we are all benefiting from it - sleep, baby confidence in closeness with us etc.

However, I feel that social stigma is attached. Ante-natal group are all desperate to get babies in their own room . Does anyone else feel an air of disapproval when discussing sleeping with their baby?

Am I making a rod for my own back? I intend to BF for a year so feel that the nightfeeds are far less trouble if I don't have to get up out of bed to a crying baby.

[Aloha]

No, actually, I don't find people disapprove at all - I do it out of necessity to get some sleep and I think actually you can be quite smug about it. I can't bear it any more though and as dd is now 11months I am desperate to get her in a cot or bed or anything! Sorry!

[skerriesmum]

It is really hard to decide when to move a baby out of your bed though. Ds is nearly 3 and he STILL gets up in the night trying to climb into bed with us!

[kiskidee]

so what if they disapprove. they don't get up at stupid o'clock to walk down a cold corridor to find your baby then lift their top up in a possibly cool bedroom. (I hate feeling the cold of the chair against my back if even for a few secs.) I don't bother discussing my sleeping arrangements with my dd (co-sleep for part of most nights) or much other else as will always find enough people to disapprove to irk me. if its not co-sleeping, it will be sleeping through, or weaning, or crying, or in/dependence or clothing or, blah, blah, blah.

I hate this impression I get from so many people seem desperate to have a baby (or for you to have a baby) and then they are keen on getting them to grow up and get out from underfoot. get them to sleep thru, get them weaned, isn't she walking yet?

time to parp myself a long time ago.

[bobbybobbobbingalong]

I co-slept with ds, but then we got to a stage where we both slept better apart. Enjoy it while it lasts and I hope it lasts as long as you want it to.

If you find people disapprove then don't mention it - how could they possibly know then?

[NotQuiteCockney]

A BFC friend points out that although very few people say they cosleep, if you ask, do they bring the baby in bed with them in the middle of the night, many more say "yes".

The fact is, whatever you do with a baby, you make a rod for your back - when my babies are older, I train them to sleep in their room, on their own, etc etc. And then I have a hard time getting them to sleep in the pram, or just wherever, if we're out and about.

Do what works for you. Why not say to your antenatal group how well it's working for you?

[sweetkitty]

I co slept with DD until 9 months then she went into her own cot till about 12ish then into our bed. I loved co sleeping but as she got bigger she got more mobile and we were being punched and kicked all night so at 15 months she went into her own cot. She sleeps all night through though on her own, the transition has been no problem.

I'm so glad we coslept and feel like giving a big 2 fingers to all the people who said she would still be in our bed at age 5.

[Twigzilla]

co-slept with both of mine .. although they first went to sleep in their moses basket then were brought into bed... they both moved to own cot and room with no problem at all by end of their first year

I love having them in bed with me .. I get very occasional (about once a month) 5 year old DS climbing in in the middle of the night .. and am lucky if 20 month old DD will lie down in bed with us in the morning

don't sweat it .. smile sweetly .. and know every parent does the best for their child .. and parenting isn't a competitive sport

[Twigzilla]

actually DS was in own room by 6 months iirc

[NotAPooEatingZebra]

Def. feel air of disapproval but don't give a toss anymore.

[harpsichordcarrier]

would a book help you naturemum? Deborah Jackson is very good on the subject.

www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0747565759/qid=1138003822/sr=8-3/ref=pd_ka_3/202-0974991-3209429?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

otherwise, if you're happy with your choice then I would stop discussing it and if the subject arises adopt an expression of serene indifference.
itmy mw said to me several times that co-sleeping was not advisable. my reply was always the same:

"mmm?"

it's no-one else's business

[harpsichordcarrier]

sorry forgot to do the link

[WigWamBam]

I don't think that there's all that much stigma attached to co-sleeping - others might be desperate to get their babies into their own rooms but that's their situation and their desire, not yours. Don't let other people's decisions make you feel uncomfortable with your own.

I had my dd in her bedroom right from the word go, despite her being breast-fed, and I have met with disapproval for that; whatever you decide will feel wrong for some other people and where you have them sleeping is just the start!

Don't stress over it; it's a personal decision and you have to do what you are happy with, not what you think other people think you should do.

[FrannytheQuinoaEater]

I did find there was a stigma amongst my ante-natal group, yes. I think it was a very competitive and unsupportive atmosphere actually, and have since found other friends who are more accepting of different choices. I also find as the children get older, people feel they have less to prove, so the pressure is off. I agree with HC, read some books (Dr. Sears is also very reassuring, and Our Babies Ourselves is a great read) and try to branch out from the antenatal group and meet people who are not into being the perfect Gina Ford parent.

[JR1980]

My little boy was brill until he was 6mths old and then got a cold and he would only settle with us...then when he was about 16months old i made his cot bed into a bed and since then he has been brill i dont think he liked being restricted but .. i got a tomy side bar thingy me bobby and he is now ace apart from waking for his dummy at least 4 times a night! But thats a different story

[Posey]

Ds co-slept on and off with us for about 2 years. Always started in his own cot or bed, but most nights would join us. Still does sometimes. He loves bodily contact.
Dd who is older, never came in with us, never settled well like that and still is not a cuddley girl.
I read the Deborah Jackson book and found it brilliant to get rid of any guilty feelings. It felt right for us and ds.
I will admit to anyone that we co-slept. I got some sleep, didn't feel totally wrecked, therefore coped completely differently to new babyhood than I did when dd was tiny.

[sfxmum]

hi there
my dd is 8months now, we have a bedside cot but we co slept everyday for the first 6wks and quite often since then too, depends on the weather,dd mood,stage of development etc. i love it
we bought a big bed for that purpose anyway, its part of my values of practicing attachement parenting along with breastfeeding and baby wearing.

do whats best for you and ignore all others
(as long as not incapacitated by drink or drugs or smoker i think)

[7777777]

i co slept with first ds till he was about 3half or 4, second ds is nearly 16months, he wakes a lot a night, i got sick of getting out of bed to go to cot so we been co sleeping for months now, i love it, sod wot anyone else thinks

[hercules]

I love cosleeping and am also an ap parent.