does anyone else worry that MN might be enabling sometimes?

[becstarlitsea]

this link explains enabling behaviour It's a bit woolly, but just the first link I found.

I worry sometimes reading threads where the OP is in abusive relationships, or having substance or mental health issues, that sometimes the support from MN might cross the line from support to enabling.

So someone in a bad relationship might repeatedly turn to MN and get enough support to feel better for a while, and then stay in the relationship knowing that MN can provide them the emotional support they need to continue. Or someone with substance issues might get support on MN for trying to stop and then feel better and not reach the crisis point which catapults them into AA etc. etc. I'm not talking about particular people or threads here, it's a general worry.

Whereas if they'd talked to someone in RL there might be more impetus to take action in RL?

But maybe they can't talk to anyone in RL so the fact that MN is there for them might be a good thing? Or is MN a way of talking about something without it becoming a real thing which needs action?

I'm not saying I have the answer, just that I'm worried and I wonder if others are worried and if they have a clearer outlook on it than me?

[Flamesparrow]

At times, yes it does happen. Often in the cases when people finally start yelling troll, when people get to the stage of it may or may not be real and even if it is real, MN is not helping the situation.

But, it can also be the support that people need.

I have posted when very low, sometimes it helps, sometimes not - more often than not it just helps to get it all out. Writing it down makes it that much more easy to look at clearly.

Without the support of MN I am not too sure where I would have ended up.

[LilRedWG]

Ditto Flame.

[FAQinglovely]

Ditto flame - especially her last line

[Lemontart]

But isn?t most things in life consequential? I don?t think singling out MN is a balanced way of looking at our support networks: you could easily transfer "best mate", "health visitor", "next door neighbour" "other chat forum" "GP" or "mum" etc etc and all could give advice or support that is not necessarily leading to the most positive outcome. All support has the ability to "enable" IMO. It is not the support/advice or source that is the issue, more how the person reacts and follows through with the given advice.
Not saying that the givers are totally off the hook and have no responsibilities, of course they do. However, we also have a responsibility to ourselves to look at the situation behind the advice (are they qualified, do they have all the info to make an informed piece of advice, do I trust or agree with it.... etc.) and make our own ultimate judgement and stance as a result.
The area gets more cloudy when people are in a vulnerable situation and are not able to make sensible judgements and balanced opinions for themselves. That, IMO, is where the "faceless" support systems have most potential to misjudge or give well meaning but ultimately bad advice.

Not an easy topic is it?

[Flamesparrow]

ahhhhhhhh, yup

[LackaDAISYcal]

I also agree with Flame. MN has been a great support to me over a few rough periods in my life, however I also see the OPs point. I'm aware that I tend to use it as a bit of a crutch. One of the big symptoms of my depression is my withdrawal from being sociable; it's the first thing that goes when I'm low. MN is always here though and I don't have to leave the house. So, although it makes me feel like I'm interacting and being sociable, it acts as a patch so I can't see the real issue iyswim.

Thankfully I have RL friends who come and drag me out the house when I go to ground for a while otherwise I would be stuck here forever ignoring what needs to be fixed.

that is a pale issue in comparison with some of the problems that are on here though, so maybe not the best example.

MN are aware of this though I assume, hence the qualifying statements at the top of each thread in health and mental health. Maybe we need something in relationships as well with a link to a page with numbers for relate, women's aid, the samaritans etc?

[becstarlitsea]

Flame, I like your point that writing it down makes it easy to look at more clearly. That is very true, and it reassured me a lot to think that any OP at least is confronted with the reality of their situation in writing.

Also that you and FAQ both got support on MN and that your lives are better as a result. That is very reassuring indeed.

I agree Lemontart, it's not an easy topic at all and I really hesitated to post it, but it has worried me and I just thought that others might have a clearer view than me. And it seems they do It's the final group of people you refer to that I'm worried about. Anyone who is in a state of mind where they can sift through advice rationally and act accordingly is probably not in an abusive relationship, suffering mental health problems or active addictions I should think.

[FAQinglovely]

well I don't know - I was in a very bad place last year - at 10pm and later there were no RL friends to support me and give me advice and so I used MN.

[mistlethrush]

And then you get the threads where, by coming onto MN and having comments made by other people, it helps people to see that life doesn't have to be the way it is for them. Hopefully that, and the support that is available from other people that have been through similar situations and come out the other side, helps them to make the decision to change things...

[LackaDAISYcal]

"Anyone who is in a state of mind where they can sift through advice rationally and act accordingly is probably not in an abusive relationship, suffering mental health problems or active addictions I should think"

I don't think it's as black and white as that.

When I have posted about my drinking problems in the past, I have well been able to take on board any comments that I received. Does that mean that I wasn't gripped by an addiction? I think my family would disagree there, but they couldn't give me the support and advice that MN did as I was hiding it from them (or so I thought). MN helped me put a lid on it and ultimately gave me the strength to talk to my DH about it and admit just how bad the problem was.

[LackaDAISYcal]

meant to add

talking about it here was the only place I felt I could talk about it. I think a lot of people feel like that and as Flame said, the act of writing it down helps in itself.

[becstarlitsea]

That makes sense LackaDAISYcal although it's different from my own experience - I'm a recovering alcoholic and I wouldn't have been as capable of taking on board comments as you were. Luckily I went straight to AA - I didn't talk to anyone else until I called the AA helpline.

I agreed with Flame's point about writing it down straight away, it made sense to me. I guess because it's like doing an online simultaneous step four and five But steps four and five are a minefield if you haven't done steps one, two and three beforehand. (Ignore that last if you're not in AA as it won't make a blind bit of sense...)

Anyway I guess that's why I said that if you're in active addiction you can't sift through advice rationally, and you think you can - because I couldn't and you could - so we're both just talking from our own experience. I needed very clear direction and to be protected from enabling people while I got sober. I wasn't well enough to know what to do for the best. I was just assuming that my experience was the norm. Have gone slightly OT to explain myself! But I guess it also explains the root of my original worry.

[LackaDAISYcal]

I think it probably comes down to the depth of the addiction?

I was having more of a dependancy issue than being an alcoholic, although I know some people would argue that they are different sides of the same coin, and I sought advice here about my dependancy as a first port of call anf found great support and advice, however the thread I used to be on was starting to become more and more like a drinking club rather than a support thread and I was pretty uncomfortable with that so stopped posting. But I was over the worst of my drinking by that time so could rationally leave it alone. I'm sure other posters were probably less able than me to do that though

[moondog]

Sometimes, but overall forums like this has made a huge difference ot women's lives.

[FrannyandZooey]

just answering op yes i do often think it and i think there are many posters who enjoy the drama and emotion of it all, and are extremely unlikely to be helping anyone find resolution or look honestly at their problems

[FrannyandZooey]

i will go further and say that i think the people helping out regularly on threads like this who do NOT fall into the category of 'enjoying the drama' are quite rare

[moondog]

Theyd be like that in RL too though surely F&Z.
I agree with you though. There are some people I just want to shake who have been moaning about same thing for years.

[LuluisgoingtobeanAunty]

what you cannot quantify is the number of lurkers, or those who google something and find the number for say, womens' aid, or the samaritans, or AA , or find out how to help a relative or friend... and i think that in itself is worthwhile

i think that the beauty of MN, as has already been pointed out, at 3am, few people would tahnk you for a hysterical phone call, whereas MN is alays here and awake

[FrannyandZooey]

moondog i don't think in RL people have a) an endless supply of people happy to listen agog at all hours
or b) an endless supply of people to listen TO agog at all hours

i think if you are very needy in RL but have no intention of DOING anything to change your situation your friends eventually run out of patience
on here you just wait for some different posters to come on

[FrannyandZooey]

i am being very negative, but obviously there are loads of good things about getting support on here
i am just talking about the drawbacks here

[moondog]

Yes, I know what you mean.

[BonsoirAnna]

I don't think MN is any worse than any other support system in its potential for being enabling, and I think it might perhaps be a whole lot better because there are so many voices responding. Surely if 100s of posters respond in a similar way it is very helpful?