STILL need to talk mouldie?

(595 Posts)
algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:27:58

ha! tell bob i'm here.

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:29:32

BOB? where are you??

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:30:31

'Allo, my dear.

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:31:23

Where's all the wimmin'?

<leers>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:32:52

phew, there you are mate. bit quiet in here tonight... do you reckon they've gone down that golf club for a schooner of sherry and some banter about their woods??

2shoes Tue 06-Jan-09 21:34:15

Is bob your uncle?

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:35:38

They could've stayed to discuss my wood.

<folds arms and sulks manfully>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:36:32

<sniggers dirtily>

Oh I like your mashie niblick!

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:38:43

yeah love, they all say that. like the cut of your gib (?sp?) too dear.

Those balls are attractive as well.

Mamazon Tue 06-Jan-09 21:40:56

<<mamazon realises she has stumbled across a dogging session and sneaks back out>>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:44:11

come back love, you'll like it. mine's a half of bitter (VERY bitter).

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:44:41

mine or bob's biwi?

Depends - do you have dimples on yours to make them go faster?

fryalot Tue 06-Jan-09 21:46:19

I haven't been around much recently and I think I've missed the specifics of the moldie threads.

Can someone summarise for me (in no more than a dozen or so words) so I don't have to trawl through four threads trying to figure out what's going on?

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

(no dogging though)

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 21:46:37

Well I don't know what the fuss is about.
Bob could have joined in with me and Algy, his name just slipped my mind he's just in the huff for no reason.

<stirs things up>

<leaves>

<mwa ha ha ha>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:47:22

that's a tall order squonk... there are about 7000 posts on the subject??!

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:47:58

<adjusts chest wig>

You can't beat a good set of dimpled balls. Well you can but it's strictly invitation only.

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:48:44

can i come round later? bob looks settled in for the night in the snug. we could play shove ha'penny.

fryalot Tue 06-Jan-09 21:48:55

um... okay... is it worth worrying about?

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:50:25

DW obviously doesn't know that Algy's a conquest of mine too.

<belches loudly>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:52:59

to answer that ? i need you to answer the following ...

a. are you a member of a golf club / a regular down the pub / both?

b. do you think it's important that people <even on an internet site where they mostly dont actually "know" each other> behave openly and decently to one another?

c. are you good at forgiving and forgetting, even when people who may have upset you and have behaved badly refuse to acknowledge they've done anything wrong and keep defending themselves?

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:53:44

fancy a sausage bob? squonk?

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 21:54:41

and how come people can still post on mouldies pt 3 when i cant?

fryalot Tue 06-Jan-09 21:54:55

a) no
b) yes
c) yes

<<<munches sausage>>>

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 21:55:43

ALGY!! Is that you <<shoves norks up with forearm>>

What you doing offering your sausage, you promised me that sausage.

Flamespar Tue 06-Jan-09 21:55:50

Squonk - best to leave it be and just carry on with oogling Bob's balls...

RiaParkinson Tue 06-Jan-09 21:56:18

you can tell which of the analogies are from mouldie or non mouldie members unfortunatley

ANYWAY

lets look to the future

the MUMSNET future

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:56:44

<leers at Squonk's sausage-munching>

I'd love a nice banger, Algy.

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy Tue 06-Jan-09 21:56:59

How long before a moldy comes on and says 'FGS are you still bleating' LOL

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 21:57:53

Come and 'ave a nibbl on my sausage, Barb.

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 21:58:18

<wanders in wearing blouson jacket and slip-ons>
A pint of your finest please, mine host!

Ah, Algy. How is the lady wife?

<opens Hamlet cigar>

fryalot Tue 06-Jan-09 21:58:29

<<rubs tongue over sausage suggestively>>>

<<<wonders whether posting on this thread was a wise move>>>

Thomcat Tue 06-Jan-09 22:00:02

FFS are you still bleating on!

about 2 mins????

AlgyAndBobYoureTheFather Tue 06-Jan-09 22:00:21

Oi you two

jeremy kyle wants you in thursday for that dna test right?

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:00:40

OK I'm back.

Hey Barberra lets have a fight! I'll pull your (platinum with black roots) hair and you can scratch my (orange Tango-tanned) face.

Bob and Algy can leer watch....

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:02:31

<moves stool to a better position to watch the fighting action>

I bet you don't get this kind of top quality entertainment down at the golf club, Gerry.

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:03:05

well done tc a record wink

Did Algy put you up to it?

chipmonkey Tue 06-Jan-09 22:06:33

Thomcat, you going to try to get the last word on this one, too?grin

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:06:50

Hes mine you OOmpa Lumpa!

<<fake sniff>> Tries to get Algy to feel sorry for her.

Algy you said that there was only me who made your sausage into bubble and squeak.

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:07:33

<rolls in wearing short skirt and fishnets>

Hi Bob! <meaningful look while we remember details of that lay-by session last night>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:08:33

Oh no I broke a (ridiculously long with ludicrous design on it) nail on Barberra's enormous hoop earring whilst I was tearing it from her ear!

Bob are you a man or a mouse I said I just broke my nail are you going to just let it lie!

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:08:58

<<hears rustle on floor, goes to look and finds Bob rolling in cornr with jack Russell>>

OOoh you dirty dog

fryalot Tue 06-Jan-09 22:09:33

<<<spits sausage out>>>

erm... where exactly has that banger been before it went in my mouth?

I like these mouldy threads grin

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:09:56

oooh Bobswife are those gelled nails?

chipmonkey Tue 06-Jan-09 22:10:36

<<hears rustle on floor, goes to look and finds Bob rolling in cornr with Russell Brand>>

You even dirtier dog!

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:11:01

<pretends not to be looking up MP's skirt>

Of course I shall leap to your defence, my darling wife. Just as soon as I've finished these pickled eggs.

<makes note to self not to put own head under the duvet tonight>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:11:08

gelled by someone in the house while watching the brats dontacha know?

Well ita tekes it out of you this barmaid up the B&E <<or insert non bridgwater based cider hole>> after all

TWINSETinapeartree Tue 06-Jan-09 22:11:13

pmsl I thought the thread title was "Like to talk to a moldie" as in I am sat in here waiting come give me your best.

I was coming in just to say you're brave! grin

but total pmsl at my freudian slip emoticon I typed grave rather than grin in my brackets probably blending brave and grin but still rather spooky.

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:12:03

Yer can't beat a good Russell, me dears.

Thomcat Tue 06-Jan-09 22:12:09

LOL Chip. I love a last word me! wink
Only have another 956 posts to go!

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:12:28

<crosses legs, grabs handful of peanuts, wonders if has enough change for condom machine>

Is this a belated mumsnet panto? grin

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:13:12

I know whatchamean Clara

Did I see you at the Seven Sisters last nite? <raises eyebrows>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:13:12

I'll give you my best if you like, TSAP.

<adjusts gold medallion>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:13:20

<<watches Russell Brand chasing doggy up the stairs excitedly>>

<<glances at BArbara and the other wife>>

Lots of dogs in tonight then gals

<<ducks>>

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:13:28

<adjusts false breasts>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:14:12

Yeah. I got 'em done special down t'market they had an offer on cos some of the nails had gone mouldy.

Cost me eight bloody quid thats 6 packs of fags off dock!

And Barberra's gone and broke it with her earring!

And me Elizabeth Duke clown necklace has got lost on the floor somewhere.

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:14:15

<rubs Bob's medallion with fingernail>

Oooh I like that Bob

Goodness isn't your chest HAIRY?

<high pitched laugh>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:14:29

Nah, too posh for my likings. Still on sawdust training me, all that piss soaked sawdust fair gets a girl going you know

<wonders if she can find her way to the golf club without any directions or instructions>

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:15:40

<< Swipes and knocks Bobswifes wig off>>
Algy are you just gonna stand there, defend my honour you lousy lump.

Takes jar of pickles off Bob and starts throwing them at Bobs wife whilst shouting " get in this jar you will feel right at home"

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:15:42

Oi! Peachy! Who you callin' a dog!

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:15:50

<breathes beery breath over MP>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:17:09

Oi Bobswife! You.

You think yer ard enuff? Do yer? Ave a go then, go awn.

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:17:13

I actually took golf lessons when I was pregnant

I've no idea why, it was a sort of craving

I quite fancied the old pro who kept grabbing my arms from behind me and saying "Stick our your bum like a panda presenting itself!"

pregnancy hormones

<grabs handbag, takes out fag, tries to light it, realises it is tampon, leaves in ashtray, nicks fag off Barbara>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:17:19

<slips Peachy a tenner for provoking the latest round of fighting>

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:18:22

<puts hand on Bob's thigh>

<twirls pinkie around Bob's chest hair and winks>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:18:33

(Ah well we have the Ryder cup course just behind us and I am reading the golfer influx),


<<gets into the swing of it.... Oi barbara! yer feckin moldy and yer ubby is a crap shag n all>>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:18:55

I'll remember the panda line for later tonight, MP.

<lets rip with an eggy fart>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:18:56

<<sticks wig back on but slightly askew>>

Me extensions!!!!!

Algy never loved you anyway Barberra he told me you were a dried up old hag with cobwebs up your chuff thats why he had to come and get some off a real woman!

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 22:19:22

<leers floridly at Ukrainian barmaid>

Sooo. What are you driving, these days, Bob? Me? Well, life in the lubricant-and-lubricant-derivatives industry is pre-tty good, as it happens: I've been upgraded to a Lexus.

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:19:45

<drinks faster>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:21:03

Cider n black MP me love?

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:21:24

I've got me works van, Gerry. Plenty of room in the back, if yer know what I mean eh? A car might cramp me style.

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:22:13

oooh yes please darling can I have a shot of voddie while I'm waiting?

<picks up lastest Independent from bar to scan for any Golf Club gossip>

morningpaper Tue 06-Jan-09 22:23:24

<looks at time>

crap, I need to get home, it's late AGAIN and if I spend another night at the bloody Hun & Rabbit with Bob AGAIN then me hubby will go postal

<knocks back various drinks>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:23:41

That ther telegraf the nobs read had a bit on the gold club yer know MP

<<passes double vodka>>

<<passes cider &B, grabs own snakebite>>

Cheers m'dear

<<downs it in one then promptly passes out>>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:24:14

Right who wants some!!!!

Clarissimo you think cos you changed your name I don't know you're that slag Peachy who does it up the arse for a bottle of blue WKD!

And mornin get your filthy hands off of my Bob he's more of a man then you'll ever know get back to your writing and dream of getting jiggy with a fine specimen like my fella

<<looks at Bob with his beer belly sticking out over his tight stonewash jeans. Licks finger and rubs nipple with it>>

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:24:29

Siddles up to GolfingGerry and strokes his 9 iron " wanna come to my place and try to get an hole in one?"

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:24:39

He won't know if you don't tell him.

<reaches in back pocket for collection of chat-up lines>

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:24:44

Stop looking down my T-shirt you dirty bastards.

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 22:24:58

I do indeed, Bob, I do indeed!

Between you,me and the doorknob, if it weren't for my South East Asia business trips <taps broken-veined nose> I'd be a very unhappy boy, Bob. Oh yes, a very unhappy boy.

<checks MP's throat for Adam's apple>

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 22:27:07

<blushes, and wipes spittle from mouth>
Ah, lovely offer Babs, but I'm er.. a little under par at the moment..

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:27:28

<<Gives Ukranianbarmaid a filty look>>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:28:08

You're in fine form this evening, my darling wife. Don't worry. I'll still have plenty of oomph left in me for you later, my sweet.

<pretends not to notice barmaid is obviously feeling the cold>

Got anywhere I can hang me coat, love?

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:28:23

<<does double take to wonder if poster knows about The WKD Blue incident>>

Stands still for fifty seconds to think of a witty retort

<<Er two bottles of WKD blue I'll ave you know, d'ya think Ahm cheap or summat?>>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:30:23

You didn't tell me it only took two bottles, Peachy! And to think I bought you three...

<pouts into his beer>

NineIron Tue 06-Jan-09 22:32:10

I don't care which of you is bumming who, but ffs stop using me for Improper Sexual Practices.

angry

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:32:13

Ah but Bob you got double 'elpins me luv<,flashes eyelashs>.

and there's one on credit now if you get my drift....

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:32:49

I get off at 11 Bob-we could look for somewhere to hang it together

<<licks lips and hoicks chest>>

Clarissimo Tue 06-Jan-09 22:33:18

<<grabs 9 iron, throws leg over bar stool, attempts to throw iron up in a seductive cabaret style but instead tkes out light vfttings>>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:33:40

Oh yes I know all about the blue WKD Clarissimo..... <<tries to look knowing. Fails due to current Method acting of Bob's slaggy wife>>

<downs Smirnoff Ice>

<wipes mouth with back of hand>

<<<<pretends she hasn't got to go to bed soon cos DS bound to be up several times in night>>>>

<orders a Woodpecker. Glares at barmaid for being young and pretty>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:33:53

Oooooh my little Peachy-weachy. You little minx!

<slaps Peachy's arse as she walks past>

NineIron Tue 06-Jan-09 22:34:00

<edges away from Ukranianbarmaid>

Don't think I've forgotten the axle grease incident. Oh the things I've seen...

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:34:10

You'll have to pay for that darling

NineIron Tue 06-Jan-09 22:34:36

ouch!

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:34:56

Fair enough Gerry << sticks nose in the air and walks off towards the Bar>>

G&T please.....with an umbrella.

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:35:19

This is a difficult decision. The wife or the barmaid? Hmmm.....

NineIron Tue 06-Jan-09 22:36:53

the important thing, bobbers, is not to indulge in any carnal activity that causes you to break rule 716b part tuesday clause vivivivivivivi: don't fuck the club's clubs.

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Tue 06-Jan-09 22:37:06

Right Bob! I'm off to bed clubbing now. Don't get up to anything with these slags while I'm gone!

<<meets Algy in carpark for quick one>>

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:37:07

Ice and a slice Barbara?

<<licks lips at Bob>>

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:38:14

Yoohoo Bob....over here..

<< tries to drape herself seductively over bar stool, slips off and the re-adjusts herself>>

Dont forget meeheeeee.

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:39:07

Good night, my darling wife. You can be up and down all night with me too later. They don't call me Bobbing Bob for nowt, you know.

<leans back round to see who else is left on the menu>

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:40:24

Yes please but go easy on the slice.

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:40:25

Ooooh, Barb! You're a fine upstanding citizen tonight, darlin', if you know what I mean.

<winks>

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:42:15

Have Algy and Gerry gone? We could have had a lock-in.

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 22:42:25

<spies on Bob's wife shagging Algy from the warmth of his Lexus, and makes use of the box of Mansize Tissues, kept on the back shelf with inexplicable decorative cushion.

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:43:09

<<polishes optics, eats packet of pork scratchings>>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 22:44:59

evenin all. i'm back. nipped out to inspect a bunker up the golf club with some of my golfing chums.... well, i thought they were my chums....

what have i missed? where's bob and is that his lovely lady wife i saw round the back of the carpark?

make mine a large one <snurk>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:46:40

No-one will know if we have our own lock-in. No fancy rules in 'ere.

<hopes Gerry's tissues are ethically sourced>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:48:24

Mine already is a large one.

<adjusts waistband of beer-stained trousers>

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:49:40

You could ask a few friends along -the more the merrier. I have some friends also. We could have a little party.

<<hopes one of men is loaded and will sort out visa problems>>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 22:50:30

<farts loudly>

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 22:50:40

<reenters sheepishly>

Anyone seen my copy of WhatStereo?

I've no idea what you could possibly mean Algy. It's not a Golf Club exactly, more a club for ..people.. who like..golf.

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 22:52:08

elitist patronising knob
not here mate.

BustyBarberra Tue 06-Jan-09 22:52:34

<< Lifts head off bar and wipes saliva from mouth...and bar. Has beer mat stuck to forehead>>
oooh where is everyone?

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 22:52:46

and could you stop jangling those fecking keys, you're getting on my tits.

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 22:54:40

Ah - you mean the keys to my Lexus? Wilco.

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 22:56:51

why are you down the pub anyway gerry. thought you were more a golfing man? <controversial>

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 22:56:59

<< whispers>> might they need a friendly barmaid at the Golf Club place Gerry? To tell you the truth this place has gone downhill since this crowd started coming in

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 22:57:00

For a minute there, Gerry, I thought you were re-entering sheep!

<remembers using pages of Gerry's magazine as toilet paper>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 22:58:19

it used to be ok in here but then some people decided they want to be more excloooosive or somefink.

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:00:05

Time gentlemen please

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 23:01:09

Have I got time for one more quickie?

And another drink...

<leers>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:02:10

always time for a quick one bob me old mucker.... mine's a babycham please luv

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:02:25

Nine minutes should be ample time for you

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 23:03:28

I'll have a suitably manly brew please.

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:04:22

Peanuts? Pork scratchings?

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:05:15

any more pickled eggs? is that a left over pork pie i can see on the side?

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:06:00

well i've enjoyed my evening bob. see you tomorrow?

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:06:32

Half a Kaliber Bob?

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:08:19

Havn't you boys got homes to go to?

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 23:09:09

See you tomorrow, Algy.

Yes please to the drink. Then I'm off home back to the wife.

Dreyfus Tue 06-Jan-09 23:09:18

Blow me if I didn't dream another Pome!

Part 2:

So, on the Moldie battle rages
We'll soon be at three million pages
Who wants to be one, anyway
- err, yes, we do check mail each day
But only so we can delight
In tearing up their late invite!

Meanwhile, Moldies sneak back in
False beards dangling from their chin
A Nom de Ploom and shifty eyes
Peeping out from their disguise.

"We're mystified - why do you care
It's true it's lovely over there
With our Queen's portrait on the walls
and lots of fun with our black balls
Among us friends it's just so cosy
And everything is sweetly rosy
Every post just shines with wit
Because we vetoed all you twits.

But why on earth you're all so cross
That we considered you the dross
We just don't get it, it seems bonkers
That you'd think we'd want you plonkers."

Such gracious olive branch extended
It's stunning that the feud's not ended.

fuckitgoblin Tue 06-Jan-09 23:09:58

<wanders in>
<wonders>
<wanders out>

fuckitgoblin Tue 06-Jan-09 23:11:22

<wanders back in to congratulate dreyfus>

jolly good pome, mucker <slaps dreyfus on the back>

hunkermunker Tue 06-Jan-09 23:14:52

Oh, you wanker, I want that name!

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:15:56

fancy a quick one dreyfus? that's a funny name mate. foreign are you? nice poem though.... send a copy to golfing gerry perhaps

fuckitgoblin Tue 06-Jan-09 23:16:49

<does irish jig on the spot in cruel taunt to hunker>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:17:23

none of that language in here love, you aint in the golf club now you know

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:18:05

gerry, your beard's a bit wonky.

policywonk Tue 06-Jan-09 23:21:35

Very good dreyfus grin

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 23:23:10

That's no beard, that's my good lady wife, I'll have you know!

<Hides behind substantial lady in CountryCasuals>

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:23:22

where've you lot come from? were you lurking by the loos?

policywonk Tue 06-Jan-09 23:25:46

I've been in the corner getting blind drunk.

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 23:26:46

I've been enjoying a pleasant half in both establishments, Bob. The other place is very nice, you know. They've done an excellent job with the decor. The drapes are especially clarsey. You'd like it.

Oh, sorry.

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:28:59

But do they need a barmaid over there Gerry?

<<stamps foot impatiently>>

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 23:33:53

<wipes sweat from brow with hankie>

I will have to ask the committee, Olga my dear. Course, if it was up to me... but <shrugs helplessly>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 23:35:52

<farts from beneath the bar stool>

Stay here, my little pumpkin. Why pour fancy-schmancy cocktails when you can keep us all in beer?

<clings to barmaid's ankles>

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:37:26

But I would be a good girl Gerry - I'm very -how do you say it? - discreet

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 23:38:39

But all your home comforts are heeeeeeeere...

Ukranianbarmaid Tue 06-Jan-09 23:39:26

and I go like a train

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 23:41:36

<wrings out hankie, wipes again>
<takes out enormous 1986 mobile phone and pretends to take urgent work call>

BobbingBob Tue 06-Jan-09 23:42:15

<crawls off into the night, sobbing into his chest wig>

policywonk Tue 06-Jan-09 23:43:28

<begins to suspect that the crowd at the bar are the product of double vision, and are in fact One Person>

GolfingGerry Tue 06-Jan-09 23:43:49

<dragged out by MrsGerry>

Goodnight chaps, I've enjoyed this even's entertainment rather muchly, I must say!

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:44:28

lobs pork pie at gerry's head in disgust

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:45:47

right pw what's yer poison? you look like you could do with a stiff one

policywonk Tue 06-Jan-09 23:48:23

Just give me a minute to be violently sick and I'll be right with you

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:48:57

right you are

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:59:14

am off home me old muckers..... see you all soon.

and a big big thank you to prufrock for her
ridiculous amusing golfclub analogy

algyfromthepub Tue 06-Jan-09 23:59:55

am off home me old muckers..... see you all soon.

and a big big thank you to prufrock for her
ridiculous amusing golfclub analogy

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 00:00:23

oops. shaky hands you know.

Ukranianbarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 00:02:59

Off you pop now Algy - you've had a long night.

I'll have your stool warm and ready for you tomorrow

TheFloozyInTheJacuzzi Wed 07-Jan-09 00:19:37

Oi, slapper! Hands off my Algy!

nooka Wed 07-Jan-09 05:28:30

I know a little ditty about Algy, which the dc like. I shall share it here apro pro nothing:
Algy met a bear, and the bear met Algy. The bear was bulgy, the bulge was Algy grin

Great poem dreyfus, and thanks Algy, Bob and co

Classy thread grin

foxytocin Wed 07-Jan-09 06:11:46

it's shite stuck in the wrong timezone. you can't get down the pub for a crack.

tiredemma Wed 07-Jan-09 09:22:49

PMSL.

Dreyfus is now my fave Mnetter

<licks Dreyfus's arse>

<wanders in>

<gets feet stuck on sticky carpet>

<sprays Glade everywhere>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 09:44:17

<peers round the door>

Clarissimo Wed 07-Jan-09 10:20:26

<<stumbles blearily out of the toilets, downs a whisky from a used glass ona table, chucks a handful of water over face and wanders off to work>>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 10:33:37

<hoovers>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Wed 07-Jan-09 10:48:57

<stumbles in in last nights clothes. One white stiletto has a broken heel. Bits of twig in hair. Vomit on top. Ripped tights.>

Oi, cleanerski. Ave you found a clown necklace on the floor I lost it last night. Eeeh I feel crap. Left the club at 4am, picked up some bloke called Gerry in a Lexus, ended up shagging on the golf course. Broke a window of the clubhouse too. If you see our Bob will you tell him I spent the night here?

<stale bacardi breezer burp>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 10:49:04

<<Strolls downstairs to open up>>

<<Eyes up Polish Cleaner, scratches groin>>

<<opens cellar door>>

<<disppears down>>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 10:51:54

<smiles cluelessly>

yes hello good morning

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:00:12

<appears from Cellar>

<raised eyebrow towards bobswifewhoshaggedalgy>

You been in a fight love?

<turns towards polishcleaner>

Them bogs need cleaning

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 11:01:57

<throws head back laughing>

yes very good Bob need a good clean HAHA!

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:04:41

<raps on door> What's going on here then? This 'ere pub's been giving GreeneWetherQueen's a bad name.

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Wed 07-Jan-09 11:11:35

<picks up broken clown necklace from the floor>

Oh no it's broken. I'll kill that Barberra.

Oh no I'm out of cash, you couldn't lend us a couple of quid for a taxi could you love?

<realises cleaner has no idea what she is on about.>

<looks for landlord. attempts to fluff up hair. puts on a bit more lippy>

Oh hellllooooo there handsome you couldn't give me a lift home in the Escort could you. I'll make it worth your while.

<licks lips suggestively. Recoils slightly when realises still has a bit of old garlic sauce on moustache upper lip from last nights kebab>

<exit stage right>

<<<pops back in to congratulate Dreyfus on two fantabulous pomes>>>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 11:21:55

Has anyone seen my wife? I thought she was in our bed last night but when I woke up this morning I realised that the drooling and farting had been coming from the dog.

Bloody woman.

<finds a half-eaten packet of prawn cocktail crisps on the table and starts eating them>

Dreyfus Wed 07-Jan-09 11:22:50

I've never been anyone's favourite mumsnetter before. *swoons with happiness*

Mind you I was up all night worrying that I mayve wrecked my chance of a Moldie invite.

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:24:43

<polishes loafer idly with handkerchief>

<dangles keys suggestively>

He causing you any trouble, love?

<dithers between dreyfus and bob's wife>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:27:05

<rattles Escort Keys>

<nods head at bobswifewhoshaggedalgy>

<scratches balls>

<heads towards door>

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:27:55

Oy! That's MY escort, you slaaag!

<blocks door>

<glares>

bigbadjaneyes Wed 07-Jan-09 11:30:36

<raises eyebrows> (waxed ones of course)

WTF

<crews face up slowly>

<runs off to name change>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:31:27

<gives davefromthebrewery his keys back>

<heads up stairs>

<scratches arse>

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:32:32

morning all. anyone seen bob's wife this morning?

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:32:53

how's it hanging dave?

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:33:15

<looks menacingly up stairs, waiting for Eastenders style close-up>

<adjusts tie> Well, ladies? Anyone fancing heading Up West?

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:34:34

<shouts from upstairs>

bobs wife, try the back of davefromthebrewery's escort

<mutters> slag

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 11:35:01

<poking nose in>

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:36:32

Oh, so you're Algy? Heard all about you. <taps nose>

<escorts Bob's wife to the Escort>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 11:37:16

<swithces on camcorder>

grin ready for action grin

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:39:51

there's a fee for that you know... if it's filming you want you'd be better off hanging round the golf club car park after the bar shuts on wednesdays..... take a dog with you... know what i mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:40:15

<appears wearing gimp outfit>

Should we start a new section

Mumsnet Classic Comedy

grin

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:40:58

<screams in horror>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 11:42:05

So that's where my gimp suit ended up! I thought Algy had nicked it.

<waggles eyebrows suggestively at the lovely Dreyfus>

LOL at the lot of you. I haven't time to read this thread but I can see what you have done with your names. You fools! grin

Actually, I am pmsl and feeling a bit sorry for Prufrock at the same time as her attempt to explain things has now led to another MN classic alongside red rugs and grapes.

Pity LGJ isn't here anymore to do a MN montage for us anymore. Not sure how she would depict Algy and Bob. Anyone want to google a suitable image?

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:45:07

<lights up>

<fixes balls>

<puffs smoke at bob>

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:45:29

i'm picturing those two blokes in the french and saunders sketch...

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 11:45:50

what you lot looking at?

<<wipes nose on apron...prepares lunch>>

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:47:10

am v grateful to prufrock. haven't enjoyed mn so much since..... well, before mouldiegate incensed me.

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:47:50

oooh, mags me dear, will you be doing hotpot?

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:49:13

<comes back in, adjusting tie>

<rubs hands>

<gives maggie the once-over>

Right. Where's my lunch?

Can someone provide a quick conversion chart for the likes of me who can't be fagged to read this nonsense hilarious thread.

Who is who?

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 11:51:32

<strips>

<hands gimp suit back to bob>

Me balls are sweaty

<stolls upstairs>

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 11:52:59

<sends a drink to DumbledoresGirl>

Take it Dumbledore's not around, ey?

<winks lasciviously>

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 11:54:19

hello love.... what's a nice girl like you doing in here then?? what d'you mean conversion chart? i'll convert you anytime, just say the word wink

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 11:54:46

dave...i can't find the plaster that was on my finger...think it might be in the hotpot...but don't worry it will look like a piece of veg when dished up.......but if anyone chokes...it ain't my fault cos i've told you...ok.

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 12:01:48

<stands up>

<staggers>

<clasps throat>

<falls to floor>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:06:10

<records times and dates in notebook>

<snears with lip quivering> at bob fishing about for talc

<taps on keyboard> must get a platinum card to pay recording fees - looks to good to miss.

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:06:52

Oy - magbag - where's my dinner?

And don't you go putting no fancy stuff in it this time. I had to chew that last one too often and my blardy dentures broke

<sniffs>

<looks menacingly at anyone who come near my corner>

<kicks mangy dog>

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 12:07:13

can someone help me drag dave out of the way, he's fallen right by the door and i need to open up.

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:07:21

<emits delicate scent of eau de toilette>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:11:15

<worried frown> bit of titilation has turned into a snuff video shock

<waits> to see if dishydoanythingfromthebrewery comes round?????????????????

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 12:11:34

<recovers>

<grabs maggie's leg>

Right <cough cough> You're coming daaahhhn to Mr Pinder's office at The Brewery RIGHT NOW. Mr Pinder don't take too kindly to people tryin' to murder 'is execs.

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 12:12:53

<turns to nosyneighbour>

You got proof, right? I'll make it worth your while

<winks>

<strokes nosy neighbour's thigh>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:14:20

<emerges from under table holding gold hoop earring>

Look I find ring from baggy ear!

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 12:14:38

but dave...how was i to know it would be you that ate my plaster?....you'll never prove it.

kicks old git ...and you can shut up!

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:15:35

<spots Dave in corner, performs Heimlich manouvre possibly 14 minutes too late>

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:15:53

Ooh darlin, I love it when you talks dirty.

<grabs maggie and sploshes light and bitter over mangy dog>

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 12:16:22

<menacingly> Mr Pinder won't see it that way. 'E takes care of 'is own. You'll see.

<looks for Dumbledore's girl>

TroyVerne Wed 07-Jan-09 12:16:48

can you all just get over it?

its a bit much for me, but y'all should manage it.sad

DaveFromTheBrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 12:17:34

<coughs up back of earring>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:17:50

<smiles demurely at dave>

BUT........

<raises eyebrows suggestively at Thepublandlaord> 'whats the tape worth to you? Your Wednesday sessions wil be no more do you hear if you have no pub to run?'

<adjusts hemline>

Well?

WilfSell Wed 07-Jan-09 12:18:42

Oh Troy, you'll get short shrift from me.

<this is not very PC is it?>

<rings PC police>

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:20:08

<ogles at WilfSell's short shrift>

come here darlin .. let me show you something to keep you warm

BodenCladPasserBY Wed 07-Jan-09 12:20:12

<Enters Pub>

Sorry to bother you
I'm a bit lost
I'm looking for the Golf Club??

TheFloozyInTheJacuzzi Wed 07-Jan-09 12:21:06

<<<leers at Bob>>>

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:21:29

D'ya want to play a round with me, darlin'?

<cackles and a bit of wee shows on the front of his trousers>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:22:57

Get in line bodenclad Ive been polishing my golf clubs for an hour.

TheFloozyInTheJacuzzi Wed 07-Jan-09 12:22:59

The Golf Club? How would we know?

No Golf Links here.

I hear security's very tight round there, Big geezer standing at the door with an axe. Not for the likes of us.

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:23:43

err time was called early last night, by my reckoning it should have been last orders at 11.00pm!!

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:23:57

I eeez go golf club now for my sheeeeeeft! I show you way!

<stands back to reveal enormous mahogany wardrobe>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:24:20

eeez short cut

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 12:24:36

<<throws water over old git>>

no golf club round here darlin.....do you like snooker? just put your £2 on the table i'll get old git to give you a game.

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:25:35

<gasp>

<look about ahgast>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:25:47

<grabs large bucket containing fungicides>

<steps through wardrobe>

BodenCladPasserBY Wed 07-Jan-09 12:27:20

<grimises at the old git in the corner>

But i have an invite

<waves piece of paper>

Only it has this address instead of the Golf Club

Is someone avin' a larf at my expense? i went shopping for new clothes and everyfink just for this

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:27:36

any jobs going? I scrub up well!

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:29:08

<<<<take it no one wants to invite me in then, leaves by back door>>>>

TheFloozyInTheJacuzzi Wed 07-Jan-09 12:29:12

Always said you was a scrubber!

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:29:56

Yer scrub up well yerself luv!

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:30:01

Ok i get the message

(skuttle off back behind net curtains across the street)

<sniffles>

it... always,.....<sniff>..like this....<tears drop>.....

BodenCladPasserBY Wed 07-Jan-09 12:31:05

<Follows Polish cleaner into Wardrobe>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:32:01

<dials indies number>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:32:54

<thinks about RealSlimShadyBarmaid's back door>

D'you need a hand with that back entrance, love?

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:34:04

'Cillit Bang employ Polish cleaner from little known pub to joing their product development team after making super powered fungicide'

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:34:07

best offer all day BBob

<<<looks round furtively>>>

come on then what yer waiting for?

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:35:05

Here's a picture of me if you're interested, Dumbledores Girl.

I'm a bit of a looker if I do say so myself.

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:36:06

<lunges for SlimShadyBarmaid before she can change her mind>

Fancy a quickie?

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:36:07

Watcher doing throwing water around? I's allergic to it!

Stupid slaaaaaag

<spies wardrobe and rubs eyes with astonishment - wonders if it's the drink>

Another pint of light and bitter, love - and make it snappy

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:37:02

<nosy neighbour looks at her items in the bottom drawer>

<hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm>

<put items on bed whilst running bath>

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 12:37:45

oh oldgit, you know i have a soft spot for you really.

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:38:36

oh BBob, ooeer, that was nice <<<pant, breathe, pant>>>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:39:33

<lights a cigarette and blows smoke rings noncholantly>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 12:40:06

<appears wearing adult size diaper suking a dummy>

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 12:40:22

give us a drag

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:41:01

Ha har - I've got a spot that isn't soft any more for you, my lovely!

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:41:24

<wonders where on earth I come from and therefore what accent to use>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:41:46

<relaxes in bath preparing for tonight>

<smiles as she watches live feed from pub on monitor>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 12:43:06

<pulls himself a pint of bitter>

<scratches bollocks>

<ajusts diaper>

<soils himself>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:43:06

<giggles as she rembers the baby wipes on the bed>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:43:35

<hands over cigarette to SlimShadyBarmaid>

Oi, Landlord! How many of my outfits have you nicked?

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:44:52

<scurrys about to get dressed>

'I cant wait until tonight'

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 12:46:56

<strolls back upstairs to distant cries of>

Maggggieee where me dinner??

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:47:01

<dashing across the road back to pub>

bubbles flying about in carpark

<bangs door open of pub>

DaddyJ Wed 07-Jan-09 12:47:09

mp's roundup is writing itself grin

Dreyfus needs knighting

TroyVerne Wed 07-Jan-09 12:47:23

shock WS









wink

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:48:38

<greets NosyNeighbour at the door>

Come on in, my lovely.

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:51:23

<lets towl a slip a bit>

'oops'

<flashes smile>

'where should I sit Bob'

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 12:51:41

oldgit, you dirty old git, keep your bits away from my food preparation area, or i'll wack it with my spatular.

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:53:37

Face or furniture, Neighbour. Your choice, my little strumpet.

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 12:54:12

<cue Benny Hill music as OldGit chases maggie round the kitchen>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 12:56:51

<cheers OldGit on>

Go on, my son!

TwoIfBySea Wed 07-Jan-09 12:57:28

This thread is hilarious.

But Dreyfus's poem has to be the best thing ever!

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 12:57:31

'Well bob I was always a people person'

<settles down on bob>

<looks over shoulder to check secret camera is on>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 12:59:29

<<Appears again in full drag >>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 13:02:07

<gives Neighbour the performance of a lifetime>

I almost fancy you in that get-up, Landlord. Fwoooaaar!

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 13:05:02

<faints>

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:05:21

<<<wonders if ThePubLandlord needs a hand!!>>>

<<<need to get in there somehow>>>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 13:10:09

<struggles to raise head as the smell of piss from the old git brings her round>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 13:12:53

<dry humps a beer barrel>

<<prentends not to notice realslimshadybarmaid>>

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 13:14:02

oh, and dave, don't think a small matter of me of trying to kill you is gonna stop me asking for that pay rise you owe me, i need that money....i'm saving my vouchers from the sun, taking the old man to hastings.

<< puts jukebox on......dances to dolce vita>>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 13:14:56

<grabs towls and legs it back across street behind net curtains>

PHEW

<rewinds tape to watch bob providing a very comfortable seat at the pub>

<glances back over shoulder at items on bed and wonders>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 13:16:53

<falls back out of wardrobe covered in snowy white dusting of mould>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 13:17:08

<mutters about damp>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 13:18:04

ponders....

'does davefromthebrewery' want that tape from earlier'

<twitches curtains and throws maggie a slanty eyed look>

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:18:05

<<<locks pub door so ThePubLandlord can't escape>>>

give us a job, go on, you know yer want to!

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:19:12

<<<holds out damp cloth to thePolishCleaner to wipe herself down with>>>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 13:19:44

DRUGS!!!!!!!?????????????? surely not??????????

<gets extra strong lense and takes multiple snaps of the polish cleaner>

<notes time and date>

<checks email for invite>

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 13:20:20

thank you much

<wipes off white patches>

<finds small open bag of Twigletts in pocket, nibbles one>

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:21:23

do you wanna share? I do like a bit of a marmitey taste now and again.

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 13:21:29

dam theyve locked the door I should have stayed put

<adjust camcprder angle>

<searches for white mold on google>

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 13:25:30
TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 13:25:53

Look - she ripped my shirt off an all

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:27:59

<<<offers OldGit extra services>>>

OldGitsWife Wed 07-Jan-09 13:30:36

Oiiii!

I knew I'd find you in 'ere angry

I've got a nice Spam sandwich ready for you at home - c'mon.

And you, you slattern Barmaid, 'ands orf him

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 13:34:49

<enters pub>

<straightens tie>

Wheres maggie?

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 13:36:22

<appears wearing a white rabbit costume>

Maggie? she over there <points>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 13:37:14

<pinches maggies arse>

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 13:37:42

<< stops dancing >>

what do you want? i'm busy.

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:37:48

<<<measures up to OldGitsWife>>>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 13:39:32

To offer you a pay rise

<moves towards office>

Lets talk I have a meaty conversation to share with you.

thePolishCleaner Wed 07-Jan-09 13:39:38

<mutters furiously about rabbits>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 13:40:01

When I told you a rabbit was good fun in the bedroom, I didn't mean the furry variety, Landlord.

<hands him a beer-stained Ann Summers catalogue that has been left behind by an optimistic NosyNeighbour>

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:42:12

that's right, you two go orf and 'ave yer private convo

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 13:43:51

<sits on a stool>

<crosses leg and bounces bunny foot up and down>

<twiggles with bunny ears>

<flicks through Ann Summers catalogue>

OldGitsWife Wed 07-Jan-09 13:44:37

<rolls sleeves up>

Now you little trollop, I've seen off plenty of the likes of you over the years, so keep your fithy little mitts off 'im

<passes soveriegn rings to Old git>

Hold these for me love, don't wanna break em if I have to smack her one!

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 13:45:05

a meaty conversation er? <<raises one eyebrow>>

<<walks into office>>

Rhubarb Wed 07-Jan-09 13:46:25

I'm glad to see that Bob's still here! I like Bob even if he did shag Alg's missus. He's a bit like Russell Brand, a womanising shit but you still like him!

Erm, my blog. Just to say that I've updated it so that I no longer have to post anything about that other site on Mumsnet.

So there you go.

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 13:46:30

<stands up>

Aye Aye i'll have no fighting in my pub

<takes oldgitswife by the arm leads her to the door>

TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid Wed 07-Jan-09 13:47:14

<<<takes earings out and ties back hair just in case>>>

<<<takes closer look at OldGitsWife>>>

'ere, don't I know you from somewhere?

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 13:47:49

<looks for a front row seat for the Big Fight>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 13:49:07

See! Rhubarb appreciates my finer qualities.

OldGitsWife Wed 07-Jan-09 13:49:43

Alright alright!

Stay in ere for all I care you old git, don't bother comin home tonight neither!!
She can wash the skids out of yer pants from now on!

<stopms out>

<comes back in>

<throws last dregs of pint over Barmaid>

<exits again>

pooka Wed 07-Jan-09 13:56:17

Rhubarb - just seem your blog. I think that you put the point across really eloquently.

It does smack of mothers whispering at the school gates.

Rhubarb Wed 07-Jan-09 13:59:22

Here. Thanks Pooka. Take care x

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 14:00:08

<takes of costume>

Just read you blog too Rhubarb

Your not leaving MN are you?

Clarissimo Wed 07-Jan-09 14:01:19

<<wanders up to wndows and peeks at the crowd within; decides there's nobody there woryh a shag so turns up waistband and heads to student bar to see if they're pissed enough yet>>

Rhubarb Wed 07-Jan-09 14:02:24

I'm not flouncing no.
Just sort of, fading off into the background a bit.

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 14:06:24

I've just posted on your blog, Rhubarb to say I hope you decide to stick around.

(tis coppertop in disguise btw)

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 14:07:32

<uses a long shepherd's crook to pull Peachy away from the student bar>

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 14:09:08

Another sobatical then?

You could just namechange for a while, you could be ThePubLandLordsWife grin

Although he does have some strange fetishes

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 14:17:13

<wide eyes>

<sniggers and gets busy>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 14:22:32

<walks back into bar>

<bends knees to jostle gonads back into place>

'whiskey chaser please'

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 14:24:38

<bangs whiskey chaser on the bar>

<holds out white fluffy hand for money>

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 14:26:49

<tries to pay for more beer with wife's sovereign rings>

TheOldGitInTheCorner Wed 07-Jan-09 14:27:25

Rhubarb - brilliant blog.

Don't go, please!

(tis BIWI here. I don't normally smell of wee)

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 14:28:20

<takes rings>

<adds them to the 'for the porn shop' tray>

<gives oldgit a pint>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 14:30:39

<flounces into bar>

Do you want to 'thumb' through that ane summers catallogue together ThePubLandlord?

<Tosses hair back and leans forward wantonly>

ThePubLandLord Wed 07-Jan-09 14:34:08

<hands noiseyneighbour the Ann Summers Calalogue?>

Bring you camcorder, we can make our own private movie <grins a toothless grin and drools>

<leads her towards the office>

nosyneighbour Wed 07-Jan-09 14:37:23

<scarpers quickly behind him>

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 14:38:43

<< entertains customers while waiting for steve to come out of the loo >>

<<gets out harmonica, sits on bar>>

"am i too dirty am i too flirty do i like what you like?....i could be wholesome i could be loathsome i guess i'm a little bit shy"

<<whole pub joins in>>

i try to be like grace kelly
but all her looks were too sad

STEVE! hurry up!

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 14:39:52

<climbs on bar to sing along with Maggie. Raises a leg to fart and falls off again>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 15:02:23

<gets out big instrument to join maggies harmonica>

What you looking at you old git, sort your missus out wil yer

<turns back to maggie>

Now about that pay rise......

TheFloozyInTheJacuzzi Wed 07-Jan-09 15:03:08

"So I tried a little Freddy!
I've gone identity MAAAAAAAAAD!"

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 15:03:16

<winks at bob over shoulder>

mouths - wait your turn mate

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 15:06:51

<answers phone>

'Yes boss i think I have secured contract - need to sort out details for lauch, the whole place is gonna need re-branding'

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 15:08:10

<continues humping away at maggie>

algyfromthepub Wed 07-Jan-09 15:49:52

have posted on your blog too rhubs.

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:03:07

ok. i've bored myself with this now... but it was fun.... i was algyfromthepub blush

have read rhubarb's blog post. am going to have a think about what i want to do. i agree with everything she has said there about mn being spoilt for me by all this. i know lots and lots of you don't feel this way but there it is.

bellavita Wed 07-Jan-09 16:08:55

It was fun while it lasted - I was TheRealSlimShadyBarmaid!

... and I was the man who smelt of wee

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 16:12:17

I was ThePubLandLord and the BodenCladPasserBY

<takes a bow>

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:12:25

you were an excellent barmaid bv. you made me laugh.

will the others remove their gimp suits?

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:12:45

ha! x posts!

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:13:35

v impressed with your artless juggling of TWO parts vt!

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 16:14:15

Who was the polishCleaner? she was hilarious

TheFloozyInTheJacuzzi Wed 07-Jan-09 16:14:19

But I like my costume! <<pouts>> I'll feel all nekkid without it!

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:15:14

you stay in character then floozy! yes vt polish barmaid was fab...

GerrysWifeMargot Wed 07-Jan-09 16:15:53

Has anyone seen Gerry? He's not at the golf club. He surely can't have forgotten that it's the Surbiton Operatic Society's production of the Mikado tonight.

People are coming from miles around to see my Yum Yum.

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:19:05

hahaha.
your dh is a right goer isnt he?

think he said he's had enough of that fecking golf club last night.

chipmonkey Wed 07-Jan-09 16:19:08

<<<gets out of jacuzzi>>>

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:19:41

<<<<aaaah chip, you're nekkid!>>>>>

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 16:21:56

Thanks controlfreaky i am like the Eddie Murphy of MN with my many disguses

<credits roll>

Thepublandlord - vinegartits
Algyfromthepub - allnewcontrolfreaky
realslimshadybarmaid - bellavita
Theoldgitinthecorner - Becauseimworthit
Bodenclddpasserby - vinegartits
Maggiethemoodycook - ?
Noseyneighbour - ?
thepolishcleaner - ?
BobbingBob - ?
Davefromthebrewery - ?
Stevefromtherivalbrewery - ?
Oldgitswife - ?

Have i missed anyone?

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:23:34

coppertop was bob... she said so earlier

GerrysWifeMargot Wed 07-Jan-09 16:23:50

Ahem. Has anyone seen Gerry?

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:24:24

have you tried the golf club?

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 16:25:30

We would give you directions but nobody knows where the golf club is

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:30:54

oh and you'll need a formal invite... and let's hope you haven't pissed any of the members off in the last 10 years... i dont think they have any special terms for spouses.... but then again non one has seen the rulebook.

bellavita Wed 07-Jan-09 16:41:01

Why thank you allnewcontrolfreaky.. (am a barmaid in rl you know blush

Actually, I all thought you knew who everyone was from the start, this thread was fab..

bellavita Wed 07-Jan-09 16:43:15

VT - you were brill having two names on the go.

VinegarTits Wed 07-Jan-09 16:45:57

Ah thanks, Bodencladpasserby was just a cameo

Right back to discussing Moldies, those sniveling, lying, cheating, wretched.....ONLY JOKING grin

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 16:52:22

did you all find it cathartic? are you "over it"?

over what?

chipmonkey Wed 07-Jan-09 17:02:46

Yes, we have closure.

We are over them!

So how many of these characters do you think were being played by Justine, to help aid with the closure process?!

DaddyJ Wed 07-Jan-09 17:05:29

And there was me doubting Justine's leadership..grin

allnewcontrolfreaky Wed 07-Jan-09 17:06:39

oh, probably just all the ones we haven't been able to id....

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 17:32:40

I dont understand about all this moldie business fully but I loved being part of your drama - hope this ok.

Am i to understand the poster this after were not moldies?

If you're here and were in the pub then you're not a moldie!

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 17:39:27

Thats good then! Ive only read about them and not commented anywhere. But I am very pleased to find I was part of antifungal fun.

All I can say is 'Cillit bang and the dirt is gone' grin

superdrug Wed 07-Jan-09 17:40:35

Well I miss the old posters, mn is very boring these days.

FioFio Wed 07-Jan-09 17:41:31

I heard a whisper that all the other people in the pub were moldieswink

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 17:52:42

<gasp>

Have any of them got a wife I could 'borrow'?

<looks hopeful>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 17:53:03

Ive just read rhubs blog - now Ive been away and not on MN and I find it maddening but I always thought it was a bit clicky on here sometimes, but like Rhub MN has helped me lots in past and i too first cam on here when I was pg with first child, but generaly there a lots of very nice people. let them go and be up each others arses. I mean why the need they have MSN and telephones. FFS.

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 17:54:09

<bear hugs bob>

lets go hunting bob

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 17:54:25

what's all this talk of moldies?

we're thespians lovey.......actoooooors of the finest caliber

there are no moldies in this pub. <<shudders>>

coppertop Wed 07-Jan-09 17:54:43

It feels weird not being Bob anymore.

<ponders a sex change>

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 17:56:37

Oh that's better.

<gives Steve a suitably manly hug>

bellavita Wed 07-Jan-09 17:57:47

I loved being part of the drama too, even though I was not part of any moldie threads or a moldie grin, although I do understand how hurt people have been over it all.

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 17:57:51

<throws cillit bang to maggie>

GolfingGerry Wed 07-Jan-09 18:02:09

<tiptoes in, piggy eyes pink and watery>

Margot, my sweet? A word in your ear?

revjustaisgoingouttonight Wed 07-Jan-09 18:04:41

I wasn't ANY of them. (cries)

I went out for the day and I missed the amateur dramatics bit.

Still, we're all friends now. Is it Hug a Moldie day? We could get DAvid Cameron back on to announce it.

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 18:07:35

Margot - havnt seen no margot gerry is hse a nice bit of skirt?

Clarissimo Wed 07-Jan-09 18:08:40

Can I just pull up the phrase below 'antifungal fun'

genius

Where were you ten days ago? We needed yoU!

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 18:09:50

I've had Margot a few times. She's a right goer.

<changes outfit ready for hunting>

Phono Wed 07-Jan-09 18:10:03

I was Oldgitswife, even though, like Bellavita I wasn't part of any of the other threads etc

grin

Clarissimo Wed 07-Jan-09 18:12:20

And I was ...... meeee

namechanging too much like effort wink

Nivce to see the newbies tot he thread joining in; come in, pull up a chair and welcome

Phono Wed 07-Jan-09 18:14:20

I was very bored at work today, and fancied trying out a potential persona for myself when I get to old age

<disclaimer - I don't wear sovereign rings and probably won't either when I'm old wink>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 18:16:05

nice one bob

<pulls wellies on>

..well it can get mouldy muddy in the car park, reckon she'll be out there dogging it?

<grabs flashlight from under bar>

bellavita Wed 07-Jan-09 18:18:54

grin - am now going to my rl barmaid job now

bellavita Wed 07-Jan-09 18:21:44

and I am only a slattern sometimes Phono - ask Squonk she has been here for coffee dontcha know!

BobbingBob Wed 07-Jan-09 18:21:52

<grabs binoculars from the bag that NosyNeighbour left behind>

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 19:00:18

<answers mobile>.....Bob its the wife....what shall I tell her?

<looks over shoulder to see curtains switching in house across the street>

GerrysWifeMargot Wed 07-Jan-09 19:37:34

Gerry, where on earth have you been? It's curtain up on my Yum Yum in half an hour. And who are these people? They seem to be dog lovers from what I can gather but I haven't seen so much as a Shihtzu in here. Good grief is that Old Spice I can smell on your breath?

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 19:40:40

Hallo Margot

<lets dog off lead>

Fancy taking me for a walk then?

Sorry bob I got there first <turns away pointedly>

BobswifewhoshaggedAlgy Wed 07-Jan-09 19:46:17

<wakes up in dumpster in carpark>

<glances into pub>

<realises no-one even remembered she was there last night>

<cries>

maggiethemoodycook Wed 07-Jan-09 19:50:31

steve, before you take your posh tottie for a walk, can you help me here, i've got my fingers caught on your trigger and there's stuff everywhere!

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 19:52:34

<waves hello with wanger>

MoreSpamThanGlam Wed 07-Jan-09 19:54:06

<<<<<<GRAND ENTRANCE>>>>>

I'm here from the agency...about the new barmaid position...giggle giggle!!

<pulls down glittery top to expose even more cleavage>

<sucks in belly cos that Gok girdle is killing>

GerrysWifeMargot Wed 07-Jan-09 19:54:31

<looks Bob's wife up and down briefly with a wholly unsympathetic mixture of bemusement and disgust>

<Turns to Steve>
Take you for a walk? Why on earth would I want to do that you appalling man?

Stevefromrivalbrewery Wed 07-Jan-09 19:54:37

sorry maggie - didnt see you there, how about we blow this carpark and go and see if we can find some pie in your kitchen, ive still got staples in my arse from the office ealier.