Might have to go on radio today to talk about letting our children have independence

[carriemumsnet]

The article the discussion is based on is here

All pithy, relevant thoughts and opinions welcome!

[TheBlonde]

I don't have a 9 year old but I don't think I'd do that, London or NYC, no way
DH would probably kill me

[avenanap]

If it is unacceptable to leave a child this young at home alone then why should they be allowed outside by themselves? I think it depends on the maturity of the child. Some 9 year olds can be very mature and able, others still need alot of parental guidance.

[DanJARMouse]

Dont have a 9yr old, but a lot depends on the child and how mature they are.

my almost 4yr old will play alone in the park (well small play area) that lies next door to our house but our front door is always left open for her, we pop out every 2 minutes and we are on a private estate.

[fullmoonfiend]

I am a little bit cyncial that the mother is a columnist...manufacture storm in a teacup IMO
But - I don't think she is the world's worst mum or anything, he seems like quite an adventurous, mature 9-yr-old who was obviously up for it.

I'd have maybe given a cheap mobile phone and make him call me at each stage of the journey.
No, in fact, I'd have built up the journey in stages actually. But I think we are all in danger of rearing a generation of kids who have no problem-solving skills, no common sense, no idea of ho to function in the world because ''OMG, it's all so dangerous!!''
Statistically, you are exposing your child to way more danger everyday, just by driving them everywhere in a car...

But at his age, I was walking a mile to bus station, then getting on a bus, then walking final 1/4 mile to school.

[avenanap]

I have a 9 year old. I wouldn't even let him go to the shop close to where we live (down the street and across a road). I've seen his road sense, sometimes it's not there. Maybe in another 12 months. 9's too young to be wondering around a big city by themselves though.

[RosaLuxembourg]

I don't think it is unacceptable to leave a child this young at home alone. My oldest two are 10 and 8. I am giving them increasing amounts of freedom now, including walking to our local swimming pool - a mile or so away - and going to the park/friends houses alone. They won't learn sense and safety sitting at home playing on their Nintendo DS. They can go into shops and buy things by themselves, order a drink in a cafe and the older one has been to the cinema with a couple of friends.
If you trust them to behave responsibly they will live up to your expectations, in my experience. And no, they don't have mobile phones.

[Freckle]

I have a just 10 year old and I doubt I would let him do something like that. He's reasonably mature but also very trusting. Anyone with a dog could gain his trust very easily!

He asked to ride his bike to school last week. He's ridden before but either with one of his older brothers or with me walking with him. This time I let him go alone, but he was home within 2 minutes telling me he didn't want to leave me. Bless.

[misdee]

well done that woman!

my dd1 is 8years old. i have started letting her play out round the corner with her friends from school. she went out of boundries once and was grounded for a week. yesterday dh said he couldnt find her round the corner when he went to call her i nfor lunch. i couldnt belive she would break the rules again so soon to just being ungrounded. so took the car out and went tolook for her. she WAS round the corner, but out of sight where she wasnt immediantly see-able from the top end of the road.

she wants to go to the shops with her friends, or the park, but i need to get rid of my cotton-wooliness surrounding this. for me its not abduction i worry about, its cars. we live close to several main roads and all the palces she wants to go involve busy roads or junctions.

[stuffitllama]

No, not me, 10 or 11 for me for riding trains and so on. Too much opportunity for getting lost and bothered. But 8yo walked to school alone and to the shop. And was allowed to go to the park on his own or with his friends but never wanted to.

[castille]

I wouldn't let a 9yo on public transport alone.

However reliable the service, there are too many random nutters on it for my liking (in my city at least) and I'm don't think my 8yo or 10yo would feel very safe on a bus with a drunk or shouty passenger.

[Freckle]

IKWYM. It's all very well having a 9 yo who could physically get him/herself home by using their wits, etc. But it's how they would act in a crisis/emergency that's worrying.

[titchy]

Is it unacceptable to leave a 9 year old at home alone? Maybe for the whole day, but I've happily left my 9 yo at home for 10 or 15 minutes. I also let her play outside in the street. She knows where she is allowed up to (obviously the set boundary is actually closer than the one I am comfortable with because I remember what it is like being 9!). She has to check in or phone (if she's wandered round to a friend's house) every 20 mins to half hour. But she is fairly responsbible and loves the freedom she now has.

IMO she needs the opportunity to learn how to be responsible for herself, and a nice quiet safe road with tons of kids and neighbours who all know each other, is the ideal way for her to learn.

I daresay if she was familiar with tubes and buses I'd think about letting her try out a short journey - maybe not this year but certainly next.

Parents should raise kids to be independent, responsbible adults able to cope with life's unpredectables - they have to learn somehow.

[RosaLuxembourg]

But LL, presumably the child in this case knew the route home well and what to do in case of emergency. For instance, if we were still living in London I would be letting DD1 do some journeys with her friends on the Tube or bus by now. But I would have talked through with her what to do in various situations - train delay or breakdown, approached by stranger, lost her ticket etc so that she could cope if necessary.

[PortAndLemon]

It would depend on the nine-year-old and the journey. In her case this particular journey for this particular nine-year-old sounds not unreasonable.

[misdee]

you see i'm considering putting dd1 on a bus from my end of the street and letting her get off down the far end at my mums stop.

just to build up practise for when she does start using buses regularly.

at 10 i was using buses alone.

used to go swimming each week without parents.

[titchy]

But how are they going to learn how to deal with a crisis? I'm sure there are plenty of adults who have been wrapped up in cottom wool that couldn't deal with a crisis.

You have to let them be independent from you in a controlled setting, and gradually allow them to be in less controlled settings so they can learn from the experiences. Obviously lots of talking about what to do if someone follows you/you get lost/etc etc

[Pinkjenny]

I think she makes some excellent points, giving kids a sense of responsibility, encouraging them to be streetwise, and fostering independence.

This does seem a little adventurous to me, I don't think I'd be able to allow dd to do this to this extent, but I hope I'll be the kind of parent that allows her to play out with her friends. I know how much freedom I enjoyed as a child, and I want her to experience the same.

Possibly with me following her in a wig and a pair of dark glasses...

[Freckle]

I agree with letting children have independence and the opportunity to cope with different situations. However, I think you need to decide what level of independence and what age. At 9 I don't think I'd be letting my children lose on public transport unsupervised, but then I don't live in London or NY. Perhaps children are more street-wise/aware there than out here in the suburbs.

[mloo]

The article linked to is American, I think that makes a difference. British people are much more risk adverse than Americans (imho).
I can't judge about the journalists' situation, but I'll describe my own.

Last Sunday I let my 8yo son cycle alone up to the shop to get the family a loaf of bread. Carefully considered risk, I know what traffic levels are like (near nil), he has excellent road sense, etc.

It felt like a big risk because it's first time in 7 months I've dared to let him that kind of freedom -- ever since I got reported to social services for leaving him at home for 12 minutes while I went to buy a newspaper. So for me this issue is wrapped up with mega-problems of paranoia, who is spying and judging.

I'm trying to remember that as a child I had freedom to roam from younger than 8, that I loved the indepence and just mucking around. Compared to where & when I grew up, it is much safer and there is much less traffic where I live now. But I can't keep my risk perception in proportion any more, because of that fear that someone will report me again. I envy people who still think it's merely a matter of their own personal judgement about when to let their children have such freedoms.

[Greyriverside]

This bit seemed a bit strange.

No, I did not give him a cell phone. Didn't want to lose it

[carriemumsnet]

thanks so much for this

Just found out that because of big news resignation we're not on....but thanks anyways!