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"Swedes, have you explored the possibilities of using hundreds and thousands to recreate the great pointilliste masterpieces? I was rather pleased with dd's "Bathers of Asnieres" birthday cake this year."
'Do you mean people who are vegetarian but 'meet' chicken and fish? as in a social capacity, for a drink or to see a film or maybe a nice walk?, but don't actually eat them? Because if they turned around and ate them, they wouldn't be a vegetarian, but if they see them safely home afterwards then I think it's fine.'
"Dimbleby looked & sounded like a PCC member who'd been roped into chairing a meeting because the chair had put his back out again and he'd really rather be at home tending to his bonsai trees and watching Countdown".
"He wasa nightmare between about 2 and 4ish, humped everything. Infact he loved dd toy horse which was about his size as if pressure was applied in the correct place it would neigh which I think the dog took as a compliment. he used to shag it on the dining table in front of the window in our dining room. Sometimes I would be working in my study upstairs and I could see people outside looking at out house in shock/ amusement I would know the dog was at it again and sure enough that neigh would follow. I can remember once dd dragging the said horse into the room where I was entertaining guests and she annouced "Mummy the horse smells of spunk again"
However despite the fact my cat has no bollocks it regularly tries to shag my springer.
too late to post this? its quite long too, but its great!
by Shitemum, describing mumsnet
'I imagine it as a sort of vast warehouse (like at the end of Indiana Jones where they dump the holy grail in a place full to the roof with other relics on shelves as far as the eye can see). So this vast warehouse is full of women and the odd man, standing, sitting, lounging on all sorts of furniture, bean bags or just on the floor, in 2 and 3s, groups or big massive huddles, there are also people sitting alone (the unanswered threads). Some people are crying, some arguing, others are laughing, some are angry ...quite a few are eating chocolate and drinking wine, some are on stronger stuff. Occasionally a child wanders in and is taken back to bed, or a baby starts crying and someone has to leave...there are babies being fed too and new-borns being toasted...
There is a great hum of voices, snatches of music, there are screens showing the links to YouTube, reams of paper detailing WHO recommendations....recipes for lemon drizzle cake and victoria spongue
And it just goes on and on as far as the eye can see...!
By SummatAnNowt on Wed 29-Oct-08 17:59:30 I think the problem lies in the mumsnet style of parenting. Some people are forced to wean off the fuck and on to some pureed words and some of us have been left to self-wean.
By NewspiritsFromOldghosts on Thu 23-Oct-08 11:09:21 Fucking cunting fuckwits.
Right, i am now not allowed my money back (the credit balance) as they have not read my meter since sept and they are saying i might be lying about it being MY money?? WTF!
I WANT TO SWITCH LET ME GO!!
Christ, i feel like Nelson Mandela, there'll be a song about in the charts next
"The woman beside me in Bodypump (dont ask) was wearing the shortest gym shorts ever and I was able to conclude the following during the abdominal crunch section:
-that she was not a real blonde -that her fanjo was peckish as it was devouring said shorts.
It was not pretty, like a warped scene from that song Valerie. Has anyone else been traumatised by such as thing? (including swimwear?)"
'DD has also learned the following words this week 'fuck fuck fuck' (I dropped a kettle of boiling water down my front, 'stupid man' (driving) and 'kill squirrel kill!''
"tantric sex in the real world involves putting the dcs to bed, and thinking that a quickie might be a good idea, but then having to constantly break off from it to, take one dc to loo, sex, get drink for other dc, bit more sex, one dc lost bedtime cuddly, more sex, another dc now needs loo, almost sex, one dc finally asleep but had bad dream, bit more sex, next dc now needs loo, before you know it, its been 10 hours and is now 3am and still no closer to finishing and now chafing a bit."
"I've been coming on here for years, I spend HOURS here, and I can't remember anything about any of you! I certainly couldn't read something and think "Hang on, last Tuesday she said she was a florist, now she claims to be a merkin fitter, what's going on here""
'And whats with 'the running round after a newborn' that they also always say helped them lose weight. In my experience newborns don't move very fast.'
"What I wish to ask is are there dads out there who also ask why should gay guys have all the best pants? Are there partners of dads who wish their guy would wear more interesting pants? Or is it all just a bit too gay for dads? "
Can I nominate one for next week? By Boco, on how her DP preserved their DD's umbilical cord for all eternity:
dds umbilical cord is preserved for all time. It was pickled by the person in charge of the elephant mans bones. It's vile. Dp had it done because he's a weirdo, he was thrilled with it and put it on the mantelpiece for all to see. I have to keep hiding it as it makes people edge out of the door and not come back. So he did it for a , well, I say present but really, I would have been happier with some bath salts or a nice candle.
discussing whether her dcs were being unreasonable about going to bed. Dc couldn't sleep because 'rats were fighting'. I asked her if they were pet rats - yep, she said and conceded that 'If wild rats were having a crap on the bed I guess I'd let him move beds'.
By ShePeeTeePee on Mon 11-Aug-08 15:25:07 I sympathise, I think mine are from the same faulty batch. Sadly it took considerable pain and effort to get them out of their original package, and I really wouldn't fancy trying to put them back in.
how about "go on, see if you can wee so much on my head that the whole room is full of wee and we have to swim out and what if we can't find the armbands in time?"
Saggarmakersbottomknocker has just said, "You'll probably go through all poo types before you get just the right one." which surely a sentence that should never be said. Fair enough to trial-run pushchairs, breastpumps etc., but poos.
MIL (when dh was grumpy about his football team losing) passes me my plate with mash on, she winks and says, "He needs one of those." In the mash she has engraved BJ.
By kee27 on Mon 21-Jul-08 21:22:59 can i join please so let me get this right . lol as im new to this all lol . right i bye sum thing / anything / . lol and who ever i get to swapp with i post it to them . and they will send me sumthing lol . is this right lmao grin
for being the least mumsnetty post I have ever seen. Stunning.
Out for first time since birth of DD2 with work friends (due to return after summer hols). All sat in reasonably sophisticated restaurant ie no soft play. I point out of window and exclaim - ooooh look! fire engine with lights flashing !They all (single childless youngsters) looked at me as if I was unhinged"
auntyspan said "An Asda employee made me cry once. But then I was hormonal and they'd run out of chocolate mini-rolls." on this thread and it made me larf.
colditz on Mon 07-Jul-08 00:24:35 on this thread is fantastic
"People without children live on a different planet. This has mainly been caused by TV Babies - a common Tellylie.
TV Babies are only in the scene when the plot directly includes them. If they are not involved directly, they are Elsewhere.
This leads to assumptions of the general childless public that children who are not required at a specific time or in a specific place can also Go Elsewhere.
It can be quite a long standing and insiduous belief, held even by those who shun Eastenders and Sex In The City. There are a few childless adults who are enlightened as to the non-existence of Elsewhere, but sadly they are few and far between.
Which brings us back to your friend.
She remembers you have a child, but when she played out the horseriding scene in her head, the child was not in it. He was Elsewhere. You may have to explain to her that Elsewhere is a Tellylie. She may question this at first, and become quite irrational ("But he can watch, where could he wander off to?" "Won't your mother have him?") but if you are persistant it may eventually sink in that Elsewhere for single parents' children is just a Tellylie. "
From my thread moaning about the fact that DP had bought himself a pink SatNav which insists on taking us round all the little fields in preference to the M1.....
"It's pink, it's a girl , wants to go the pretty routes"
"I remember once mentioning to my (single) workmates that marriage is a cold war, you never give anything without having it acknowledged and you retaliate early so you don't look weak. They were a bit , I think they were imagining something little more romantic."
By bluewolf on Tue 24-Jun-08 19:25:33 have to admit I judge harshly. My neighbour had the telling combination of weightwatchers snack bars boxes, organic porridge oats box, and an empty bottle of JD. It told its own story, like a haiku in a bag. here
I know its long but this by BEAUTlFUL made me PMSL:
That you might get trapped wind after your C-section. This will be unbelievably painful and you'll immediately brush off the MW's Lactulose suggestion, and whimper, "It's not possibly wind, I know my womb is falling out."
That you might need to be given a suppository to release the trapped wind. This will be adminstered in your cubicle on the ward, probably in the evening when all the other Mums are silently feeding their babies, less than two feet from you behind a flimsy curtain.
That, to calm your nerves (and vainly try to release some tension from your petrified ring), your MW will narrate every stage of the suppository process. "OK, I'm just putting KY-Jelly into your anus now with my finger. Try to relax if you can. Bit more. Now, I'm pushing the suppository against your anus. I'm slipping it inside. I'm going to push it up about six inches with my finger... You're very tense."
That you'll be burning with shame, thinking, "PLEASE shut up."
That you will then hide, mortified, inside your inadequate cubicle until the suppository decides it's poopy time, then try to emerge all casually in front of the other Mums, carrying your make-up bag like you're just off to put some blusher on. You'll ignore the loo on the ward and stagger, cowboy-style, as far as your clenching cheeks can carry you up the corridor, to a loo where nobody knows you're about to have the shit of your life.
That you'll collapse on to the loo and immediately let rip a fart so explosive, it echoes off the walls, and only then will you realise you picked the loo directly opposite the MW's tea-station. And that two of them have just arrived to make tea. And that they will actually STOP TALKING, your fart was so loud.
LOL at LLs previous post...but sorry I think this is the one.....
"I got fairly fed up of the comments when pg with #4 (first three are all girls). We couldn't tell what it was from the scan, although dd2 thought it looked like a hedgehog didn't fancy delivering one of those (although I've been reliably informed the spines are soft for the first week after birth, otherwise Mummy hedgehogs would have issues!)."
Do people really think trolls should try to conceive? Is our health system adapted to coping with their pregnancies? Would a piece of muddy bank under a bridge really count as a healthy environment for a small baby?
By SmallShips on Thu 12-Jun-08 23:14:49 he dressed as an elf (not sure why) so i think the pub may have noticed the stinking elf shitting himself in the corner
You'll also find that the UCAS form doesn't have a space for prodigious toddler achievements, even ones like knowing colours at 15m or drawing a circle at 20m...
My DD has posters of bats, bat head dresses, sparkly bat wings and she sings little songs to them. I am encouraging a dolphin obsession as you know where you stand with a dolphin and we are landlocked.
By cocolepew on Thu 22-May-08 20:18:03 Oh no! Don't get the ball weights, they're just depressing. After dd2 I got weighted cones from the continence nurse. I put the biggest in and it fell out a bruised my toe.
can I get an early nomination in for next week, please?
you'd be surprised at what constitutes a massage. Some of the 'services' I found weren't entirely appropriate. "I am very broadminded and can be clothed or naturist" said one chap. I took his number.
by WanderingTrolley (do you think you should think about just giving her the quote of the week trophy? )
Blueberries? 
, I think they were imagining something little more romantic."
