Personal Attacks on 'Other Women'

(71 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

YvaineStormhold Sat 16-Apr-16 11:25:35

I've just been on yet another thread where a woman is being called horrendous names such as 'slag', 'bitch' and 'scumbag' because she's confessed to sleeping with a married man.

I've reported the posts to MNHQ, but I wanted to discuss this as a general trend that I've noticed developing on MN in the 10 or so years I've been here.

It seems that personal attacks and judgement are off-limits, except when it comes to OW, and then anything goes.

Is there anything that can be done about this? Surely no matter what someone's relationship history, they should be able to talk about it on MN without being subject to vicious and often misogynistic language?

Could a special eye be kept on OW threads, for example?

tribpot Sat 16-Apr-16 11:33:07

Are personal attacks being allowed to stand? I haven't noticed this particularly but I don't read Chat or AIBU.

I agree with you that personal attacks are unacceptable, although I can also understand why posters who've had their lives shattered by infidelity don't react calmly to OW (or indeed OM) posting on the boards. Often where I've seen such posts on Relationships, for example, they can seem deliberately goady, which doesn't help.

MN moderation is often very slow, but I'd be surprised if personal attacks weren't being dealt with?

YvaineStormhold Sat 16-Apr-16 11:35:49

Ach, there's a thread at the moment that's full of bile.

There are loads of awful situations dealt with on this site. If we all went round projecting our own pain onto others and using it as excuse to be abusive, the site would be extremely unpleasant.

NNalreadyinuse Sat 16-Apr-16 11:36:17

If the cap fits...

It is deliberately goady to come onto a board where lots of people are struggling to deal with the aftermath of infidelity and then expect sympathy/understanding of your position if you are one of the people with a hand in all the mess infidelity leads to.

YvaineStormhold Sat 16-Apr-16 11:43:12

So OW and OM should be banned from sharing their experiences on MN?

Serious question.

fastdaytears Sat 16-Apr-16 11:46:40

It's not goady. MN is not just for people who have been cheated on. The OM/OW haven't targeted this board in hope of getting a response. They need support too.

firesidechat Sat 16-Apr-16 11:48:24

Understandably ow and om get a hard time on mn.

I strongly suspect that the writer of the thread you mention knows exactly what they were doing when they wrote that post and I have little sympathy.

This is a taat by the way and will probably get zapped for breaking mn guidelines.

MoreGilmoreGirls Sat 16-Apr-16 11:51:43

People make mistakes. No one should be attacked personally. I speak as someone who's ex husband had an affair. This should be a forum for everyone.

firesidechat Sat 16-Apr-16 11:51:48

How do you know it's not goady fastdaytears? Genuine question.

Lots of the threads written by supposedly OW get deleted eventually as the goadiness becomes clear.

Arfarfanarf Sat 16-Apr-16 11:52:47

I dont know what thread you are talking about but name calling is childish and unacceptable and is normally deleted if reported. However , people have no right to expect to be hunned and hugged because of fallout caused by reprehensible behaviour. If someone describes unacceptable behaviour they should be prepared for people to say actually, that was fairly crappy of you.

fastdaytears Sat 16-Apr-16 11:54:08

fireside

Sorry I should have said it's not always goady. I'm sure some people are.

But other people are posting for support as people who made a mistake and want advice. Like a lot of other topics on here.

I haven't seen the thread in question though, I'm talking more generally.

firesidechat Sat 16-Apr-16 11:54:14

OW with a spidgen of empathy for the wife and ones who see it for what it is do get support. OW who don't give a toss about the wife do tend to get treated more harshly

YvaineStormhold Sat 16-Apr-16 11:55:18

It's not actually a TAAT. It's a thread about a lot of threads and a general trend.

But if it gets zapped, it gets zapped. I'll cope.

Just concerned about an ugly trend I've noticed, that's all.

fastdaytears Sat 16-Apr-16 11:55:48

That sounds fine! Personal attacks are not ok, and there's no need to try to make MN an OW-free zone.

YvaineStormhold Sat 16-Apr-16 11:56:02

That's not true, actually, firesidechat.

I've seen very contrite OW get their arses handed to them with glee.

firesidechat Sat 16-Apr-16 11:59:44

From my point of view mn generally is not a great place to be at the moment. Almost no threads give me a warm fuzzy feeling or a sense of togetherness. It's not just threads by OW though.

NNalreadyinuse Sat 16-Apr-16 12:00:03

I think the people who need support are the ones who've been lied to and who find themselves dealing with traumatised children and all the financial fallout. Not the ones who deliberately helped cause that mess.

Obviously there are some exceptions - there are OW who have been lied to by MM, or who are messed up themselves and not making rational choices. For those people I would try to offer help and wouldn't flame. But the truth is, the vast majority of people who have affairs or collude in cheating by being the affair partner are just selfish. They want what they want and don't think or care too much about who gets hurt. I don't have much time for their subsequent whinging if reality has panned out too sweetly and they now have to experience consequences of their choices.

fastdaytears Sat 16-Apr-16 12:02:15

In that case NN step away from the OW threads. It's not reason for personal attacks (not saying that to you specifically- just because is subject of this thread).

I think people who give up puppies who chew furniture aren't particularly deserving of support but that's fine because people who do think they are post on their threads and I scroll past.

NNalreadyinuse Sat 16-Apr-16 12:55:25

Well, if people step away from OW threads so that said OW can not be on the receiving end of disapproval, who is left to offer advice to those that genuinely need it? It is generally the people who have been affected who are in the best position to give practical help - however those people are also the least likely to care too much about the feelings of the OW.
Affair partners must know this when they post, so why do it unless it is to be a goady fucker? I do think that if you have helped to cause all this upset, you are not the priority when it comes to getting support in life.

I hope (I think I do ) have enough sensitivity to not put the boot in to someone who is truly suffering or genuinely regretful about their part.

fastdaytears Sat 16-Apr-16 12:58:32

I'm sure you do but that doesn't seem to apply to everyone.

AnyFucker Sat 16-Apr-16 13:13:22

"OW" threads should get special monitoring ?

I don't think so

No. Report personal attacks as you see fit and leave it at that.

I don't believe the op in the thread you are talking about was remotely real so try not to get too exercised about obvious goady trolls too would be good advice

veryproudvolleyballmum Sat 16-Apr-16 13:15:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YvaineStormhold Sat 16-Apr-16 13:18:06

AF I'm not just talking about one thread.

And the OP might not have been real, but the horrible language that was used on there certainly was.

You're right about just reporting personal attacks though, I guess.

MuddhaOfSuburbia Sat 16-Apr-16 13:21:54

I hate it too

Haven't seen the thread you're talking about but its definitely a thing

stepmothers seem to be considered fair game as well

PurpleDaisies Sat 16-Apr-16 13:28:59

There's often an issue with reporting late at night and on the weekends. Personal attacks on anyone get deleted. If you've reported the posts on the OW thread it's likely your reports just haven't been seen yet.

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