Yr 7 - Why are girls so horrid :(

(39 Posts)
phoebeflangey Fri 04-Apr-14 09:51:15

DD is in yr 7 and until recently had a lovely group of friends that she had made at the school. Unfortunately, one of the girls has started being really unkind and basically stirring things up between everyone. She has spread rumours about my dd saying that she has been mean and nasty, and just seems to be out for an argument. Have advised dd to ignore her, and luckily the other members of the group ae supporting dd as they have seen what the other girl is doing. Its now resorted to unkind texts and getting her new friends to send instagram messages, texts and any other way they can find to just keep on at dd. How do I help her, without making too much of a deal of it? The last straw this am was on the way to school dd had a text to say "shes my mate, so shut your mouth and leave her alone" dd asked the original girl to leave her alone and has ignored all communications since yesterday tea time (another 6 messages have come through since then)

inthename Fri 04-Apr-14 10:19:25

Keep a record of these texts and go and see your dd head of year or whoever heads up pastoral care at the school. Time to nip this bullying in the bud - schools call this 'cyber bullying' and normally have a strict policy

Hassled Fri 04-Apr-14 10:22:39

Agree - you need swift, hard action. Call the school today, arrange to go in and show them whatever's on your DD's phone that the girl has sent.

I do understand why your instinct is not to make too big a deal of it, but it already is a big deal and it will only get worse - you have to come down hard on it before that happens. Get the school involved.

phoebeflangey Fri 04-Apr-14 10:33:28

Oh god, I thought youd say I was overreacting? Am working today and then they break up for Easter sad I have told dd to go to her form tutor this morning though and show her the texts? Feel awful now that I cant do anything?

Hassled Fri 04-Apr-14 10:34:53

Don't feel awful - if you're working then you're working. It's not like you're off filing your nails all day grin. Your DD talking to the Form Tutor will get the ball rolling anyway - that's a really good plan.

Weegiemum Fri 04-Apr-14 10:36:38

Seriously, go to the school. We've had trouble like this and I spoke to the school yesterday, they've come down on the girl bothering my dd1 with texts really hard and took it incredibly seriously. I'm especially glad as today is the last day before Easter hols so it's stopping her being harassed in the break.

PaulinesPen Fri 04-Apr-14 10:42:17

Yes do go in and say something. At least in yr 7 they'll probably respond well to being told to stop it. And, careless of them, but good from your pov, you have plenty of 'evidence' to show with the txts etc which will strengthen your case.

It's when they get a bit older that it becomes more insidious and difficult to tackle because some can be very clever at being mean under the radar. My poor dd had a hellish and horrible year 9 at the hands of some delightful 'friends'. sad

Gunfleetsands Fri 04-Apr-14 10:43:45

Ask your DD not to delete any of the horrible texts. She can then show them to her Form Tutor/Head of Year as evidence.

kilmuir Fri 04-Apr-14 10:43:58

Another one who says go in.

RedRoom Fri 04-Apr-14 10:48:16

Involving the tutor was a good call and, when you get a chance, you could call the school's Head of Year if the tutor doesn't pass it on to them. They need to come down hard and fast. I speak as a previous Head of Year 7. If it is any reassurance, accusations of bitchiness like 'looks' and 'ignoring' are really hard to substantiate and deal with, but any HOY worth their salt would be right on top of a case with textual evidence like you have. Schools do take cyber bullying very seriously.

Abuelita Fri 04-Apr-14 11:12:31
phoebeflangey Fri 04-Apr-14 13:13:54

It escalated whilst I was in my meeting (I bloody knew it would too) and I came out with a text from dd's friend telling me that she was in tears and things have got too far, because this new girl (who text this am) was in dd's face shouting at break time and being really horrid in front of everyone. I rang the school immediately and dont think that dd did tell form teacher this morning. They have assured me that the form tutor will ring me today and try and discuss with dd and her "friend" before easter.
If she so much as texts dd tonight, I will be contacting her mother.
Is this what its going to be like now? sad

phoebeflangey Fri 04-Apr-14 13:15:22

Thanks to everyone so far for the advice though smile apologies for forgetting this in last post

mumofthemonsters808 Fri 04-Apr-14 14:04:12

Oh Pheobe you have my sympathy I have a year 7 DD and know how anxious and worried I am when DD has experienced a nasty situation.

But the good news is your daughter is sharing this information with you she is not trying to manage an awful situation on her own. I really worry about kids who have no one to confide in. I can also understand her not approaching the form tutor, form is a very busy time where the tutor can de dealing with umpteen different things and there probably isn't the opportunity to just have a quiet word. As others have said,I think this is where you step in. Obviously you did not want this girl to be in your daughter's face shouting abuse, but it is good in the sense that there are witnesses and the girl is indeed showing herself for what she is. The worse situations are those which can not be proven and are simply one word against another.

You will feel better phoning the Mother because you are being proactive but have very low expectations regarding how much responsibility the parent will take for their child's behaviour. Some parents are very clever at turning the truth around and before you know it your DD will be in the wrong. I may be wrong and you could get a parent who is devastated by their child's behaviour and nips it in the bud, but not in my experience.

This is not an indication of how things are going to be from now on, it is just a hurdle for you both to get through. I'd also get to grips with the technology, if there are any nasty comments/messages on DD's phone (which I insist on checking) the person is immediately deleted and blocking from sending anything through. Another positive is that it has come at the end of term so your DD has time out from this environment.

Good luck and please update about how you go on.

tess73 Fri 04-Apr-14 16:03:17

what phone does she have?
i "think" if it's an iphone you can get copies of all her texts sent to you via icloud or something? might be worth it incase she is forced to delete them or someone takes her phone as they realise all the evidence is there.

phoebeflangey Fri 04-Apr-14 17:02:11

Well the forum tutor rang and said dd had mentioned it to her this am briefly, so she had already spoke to the girl in question. Unfortunately though the other friend that had a go right up close to dd's face at break time then continued to do so in between lessons and during lunch "youll have me to answer to if you upset my mate" Charming girl sad

Had a meeting with form tutor and dd after school and she has advised keeping all texts from any of the girls over the two week break, not replying and seeing how dd feels at beginning of next term. DD wont be seeing girls in question over easter. Is this the right course for things to take, given the holiday?

MillyMollyMama Fri 04-Apr-14 17:23:28

I have found you cannot stop some girls being this way because they have probably had no moral guidance and the parents won't believe it even with evidence! It is likely there will only be one or two of them but they get a kick out of it. I have seen girls excluded because of what they do, but they still carry on. I am sorry to say it, but they pick on the ones they get the most "fun" out of provoking. So, keep calm, ignore them and above all your DD must keep her nice friends. Make arrangements to see the pleasant girls in the holidays so that, together, they are a resilient group.

I have found that schools only do so much. My DD reacted to being bullied and got into trouble herself because she was overheard saying something unpleasant about the bully after 2 years of bullying! Schools cannot be relied upon to be fair. I do hope yours is though. I got absolutely nowhere by complaining at an independent school. My DD had to become resilient or you are crushed by it all. As they mature, it does improve though.

TittyNotSusan Fri 04-Apr-14 21:47:24

My DD went through a similar episode in the autumn term and HOY came down hard and fast. DD's experience taught me that when it escalates that fast, it tends to disappear again as quickly, and although it's bloody awful for a few days, it's preferable to the long, slow insidious bullying that destroys your confidence.

It's good in a way that they have broken up, because they can let the dust settle, but on the other hand, she's now got 2 weeks of dreading going back, because she hasn't had time to witness any positive changes.
Make sure she knows that the HOY is backing her and dealing with it, and the first sniff of trouble on the first day back you'll be back in there and demanding results.

I'd also take a few minutes to write down the events of this week - just so you've got an accurate record of what's happened, and can compare the school's actions to the anti-bullying policy. We did this. We didn't ever need to show it to anyone, but it helped me and DD to feel we were being proactive, and it would have been there had we needed it to refer back to.

Another thing - I took away all means for my DD to be contacted out of school - ie no facebook, no phone, no texts. She essentially went off grid. I imposed this on her, but made it clear it wasn't a punishment, I just took the battery out of her phone and switched it off, and disabled her FB. She put up no resistance and it seemed to take a weight off her shoulders.

nkf Fri 04-Apr-14 21:48:45

Head of Year as soon as you can. It's fairly common, so he or she won't be surprised and it's very stoppable.

Kenlee Sat 05-Apr-14 02:15:07

I think you need to involve pastoral head..form teacher and the Head. I know at my daughter's school once discovered. The girls would be talked to by the head.

Although I have discovered that dont put to much stock into it. As my daughter emphasizes you don't need to be in the popular group but make genuine friends. The rest with their opinions don't really matter.

Keep the text email them to the school.

BTW as our head of pastoral care says its not telling. Its helping to let the girls know what is and what isn't acceptable behavior.

BackforGood Sat 05-Apr-14 20:53:37

I agree with all the advice on this thread, and I feel sad for your dd, but please don't put titles like that up.

Yr7 girls aren't horrid. Just this particular one (and from later post,her mate) might be horrid, but - as you said yourself - all the others aren't, and presumably your dd isn't, and I can assure you my dd, and all her friends aren't.

phoebeflangey Sat 05-Apr-14 22:30:47

Apologies back didn't even think at the time,
Should have said why are some girls so horrid

BackforGood Sun 06-Apr-14 00:01:52

Thank you smile

phoebeflangey Sun 06-Apr-14 00:38:05

smile

adoptmama Sun 06-Apr-14 06:35:43

In answer to your original thread title smile
some year 7 girls are horrible because they are relatively free of supervision (parental and teacher) compared to Primary and, with the mix from different primaries feeding in to the school, can get involved in rather Lord of the Flies style behaviour as they assert themselves into these changing peer groups. As you have sadly found, access to technology allows some chlidren to continue their bullying and intimidation outside of school. Add puberty into the mix and you can get behaviour that is totally toxic.

Kudos to your DD for speaking up. Regardless of whether there are more messages over the easter break, ensure you make an appointment as soon as school is back to discuss what further steps the school have taken/are taking to address this issue. If my child was being victimised like this I would want the parents contacted and, equally, if my child was doing this I would want to know (and most parents of children who behave like this are as normal as you and I and would be horrified about what their child had done). Also if your DD is on facebook or something similar be vigilant that the bullying does not appear there. If messages are being sent about her to other girls try to have her speak to them/speak to their parents to have those messages copied to you too.

bruffin Sun 06-Apr-14 09:43:43

Some Year 7 boys can be pretty awful as well. They are going from being big fish in little ponds to small fish on big seas and they are fighting to get back on top and will trample on anyone they perceive as weaker to get there.

Timetoask Sun 06-Apr-14 09:51:36

I went to an all girls school and never saw this type of behaviour. Girls falling out with each other, yes, but such an aggressive attitude as described by the OP, never.
I didn't go to school in this country.
Is this something common here? Has it always been this way? Are things changing for the worse in our society?

PurpleAlert Sun 06-Apr-14 13:14:02

Sending abusive texts and messages over the internet is actually a criminal offence.

My DD had an issue like this in year 7 . My DH sent the queen bee in question a text back saying it was to stop immediately or he would report it to the school ( private who had an expulsion policy for proven cyber bullying)

DH was called by her very irate father yelling how dare he contact his darling DD. DH sent him the texts and MSN messages saying the school would be the least of his worries as he would be in touch with the police if it continued.

It stopped immediately.

I think waiting till after the holidays are over is a mistake. The school should have dealt with the situation straight away and the girl who screamed in your DDS face should have been reprimanded on the day.

mumslife Sun 06-Apr-14 20:04:08

Having had a dd in year seven once i think this is fairlytypical year seven behaviour and needs to be nipped in the bud. Its all abojt wanting to be queen bee typical at this age. I have a son in year seven who is experiencing bullying and is begging me not to do anything about it as he is scared of head of year a big tall man. My son is a tiny little boy

It doesnt matter to him he has done nothing wrong he is too scared to step into his office! Which he knows he will have to do so to sort this out

He has been pushed in the mud twice,same boy kicked and slapped twice another boy

Also had a stone thrown ar him pushed down the stairs several times whipped with a tie so he couldnt get into the changing room to change after pe and got a late mark, mud flicked at him. this is all yet another boy. Oh also his bag taken and dumped in the street

Consistant name calling and verbal type abuse

And still he begs me to do nothing. I dont see how this can go on though. I think i will be seeing the head of year

mumslife Sun 06-Apr-14 20:05:19

Meant to add i feel for you. I know how worrying it is. Especiallt when he is saying they will just call me a snitch etc sad

adoptmama Sun 06-Apr-14 20:10:18

mumslife, please see the school. I know your DS doesn't want you to, but please, for his sake, speak to the school and put a stop to it.

mumslife Sun 06-Apr-14 20:40:33

Adoptmama

You are right now its all written down it sounds terrible and i think it cant go on sad

adoptmama Sun 06-Apr-14 20:51:10

honestly, all the years I've taught most children - the overwhelming majority - do not like bullies, understand and support children who tell, and know bullying is wrong. No-one can say there will not be an attempt at come-back from the bullies, so you and the school will need to continue to be vigilant. But if the school have an effective, immediate and clear way of dealing with this, including exclusion, parental interview etc. it should be possible to stop this now.

phoebeflangey Sun 06-Apr-14 22:01:19

Purple the problem with dealing with it on the day was that all children had left when I was able to see the teacher, plus without being outed, timing to contact the original girls mum, which the teacher was going to do, was not good, so we said we would review it after Easter.
DD hasn't heard from the girl since Friday, BUT I am not happy with "you'll have me to answer to" girl getting off scot free. I will be emailling the teacher to tell her this before they return. Bet she's thinking she's got away with it now (which of course was your point. Purple )

phoebeflangey Sun 06-Apr-14 22:02:26

mumslife please please tell the school, your son knows that he should report it, you'll feel better for doing so, believe me x smile

Kenlee Mon 07-Apr-14 06:14:12

Phoebe let me reassure you that most parents would be horrified at what thier child has done. My daughter was involved in an incident although indirectly. She had knowledge but did not participate. This in itself to me is inexcusable. So yes we did give her the full ten degrees.
Most normal parents will be sympathetic and will deal with it.

Idratherbemuckingout Mon 07-Apr-14 07:53:54

Boys can be just as horrible. My son doesn't want to go to the end of year dance (he's in top year at mixed prep) because he says they are so horrible to him. I have to admit that he is very different to them, and I have been in on several occasions, and feel there is not much left that I can do. However, I'll be going in and mentioning this at the start of term and asking what is going on. For sure.
This was just to tell you that boys are horrible too.

PastSellByDate Fri 11-Apr-14 11:41:49

Hi:

Just visiting (both DDs still in primary, but DD1 will start Y7 in Sept).

The advantage of cyber bullying vs. verbal bullying is that you have a 'paper trail'.

My advice is arrange to forward any threatening/ abusive texts to the school in all cases.

These problems rarely just go away (as others have advised above).

With verbal abuse - in school or outside the first issue is are there any witnesses.

It's probably advisable to encourage your DD to think defensive (not walk home on her own/ avoid being on her own in girls toilets/ etc...).

I know that it can be very frightening to turn someone in/ tell on someone - but the point is that when they move on from you they'll only pick on someone else, and may be even worse as there were no repercussions with you. Bullies also aren't stupid - if they know you'll report even the smallest incident and get them in trouble, they'll steer clear.

In the meantime you should explore your child's internet/ mobile phone safety. She can block telephone numbers and 'unfriend' or indeed lock content - instagram help has tips here: dragon.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t39.2365-6/851591_741973925829904_962165958_n.pdf.

I think one of the things you may need to consider is things like instagram are technically meant for age 13+ - 11/12 is a bit young - I understand the pressure to be on it too, like friends - but it clearly is being abused.

Finally - you can report abusive messages to instagram as well....help.instagram.com/165828726894770/

HTH

MillyMollyMama Fri 11-Apr-14 14:46:42

One child who was sending bullying messages at my DDs school,to DD and others, was the child of the former Head. What action do you think was taken? You are probably thinking not very much, and you are correct. Some children, it seems, are above punishment.

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