How do stop younger "PRODIGAL DD" from bullying older average DD.

(34 Posts)
onedaytomany Sun 05-May-13 15:50:37

DD"2 yr 8 prodigal top of her Grammar School,Excelerated learning,Maths and Physics G.C.S.E yr9. Constantly bullies her yr 10 High School sister about her inteligence. Always saying i want to go to Oxbridge, where are you going to go,the situation is not helped by their father "PHYSICS PROFESSOR" who when he has them is always calling DD"2 "A DISGRACE" and praising DD1 Maths and Physics prowess. DD2 works very hard and is on C/B border for maths C/B border for Double Science award. When DD"2 comes back from a weekend with him she is always downcast and upset. DD"1 can be very spiteful to me and is always telling,DD"2 how she is thick.

Kez100 Sun 05-May-13 16:24:58

To be honest, this probably lies with her father. If he is like it, you cannot expect her to be any different.

He needs to get a grip and realise he may well be a bloody professor but can he cut his own hair? paint his own house? turn his own trousers up? teach art or music? dress an injury? care for and old infirm person with dignity? undertake post production on video or photographs? act? sing? counsel? childmind?

There are a million things your eldest can do but she will need self-esteem to enjoy life and, currently, he is undermining that and doubly so by effectively encouraging your younger daughter.

Kez100 Sun 05-May-13 16:28:58

...oh, and tell him from me, however hard he worked, he was born with a gift for Physics and Maths and has passed that on to his youngest. It's a natural thing to be that good and it's luck of the way he is made. He, however, failed to pass this same natural ability onto his eldest - it is he, if anyone, who is the disgrace!

Kez100 Sun 05-May-13 16:30:48

it's not a natural thing

circular Sun 05-May-13 17:52:35

Agree with Kez, your husband is encouraging this behaviour and it needs to stop. Maths & Physics are not everything, and a C/B borderline is above average.
It also sounds like your older daughter is trying so hard in these subjects, it could be at the expense of finding her own niche.

Is there anything your older daughter is interested in that she could do well at to boost her confidence?

greyvix Sun 05-May-13 18:01:44

The girls' father is the bully, and DD2 is just exhibiting learned behaviour. I am shocked at any parent calling a child "a disgrace" because of his/ her academic achievements.
You need to point out to DD2 that it takes all sorts to make a world, and that happiness comes from being secure in yourself, rather than from academic success. In my experience, people who bully others are often insecure themselves; you may find that DD2 has her own worries.

MTSCostcoChickenFan Sun 05-May-13 18:29:55

No advice to offer but don't you mean 'prodigy'?

onedaytomany Sun 05-May-13 18:29:58

SORRY THE POST WAS MEANT TO SAY HOW DO YOU STOP. He is my Ex and i must say the most boring and big headed person i have ever met. When he takes DD1 and DD2 for a weekend up to Newcastle where he works,he invites all his "ACADEMIC PALS ROUND" to his house and starts asking,DD1 and DD2 Maths and Physics questions and DD1 never gets them right, DD2 always gets the right answers, he then turns on DD1 and tells her to"PULL HER FINGER OUT YOUR SISTER IS 2 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU". "I AM NOT SUPRISED YOU FAILED YOUR 11 PLUS". I did not want DD2 to take the 11+ because i did not think she would pass, DD1 rather stupidly told DD2 that she scored only 324, on the 11+ DD2 holds this over her and said i scored 420 on the kent test. DD2 best subject is English and her favorite Teacher is her English Teacher, she rang me and told me you can always tell when DD2 has been with her father because her confidence,drops and her standard is not her best. She also told me that if she believes in her self she could get an A in english, that is a big thing for this School.DD wants to go to University but knows it will be difficult for her, so i want to send her Private in the Sixth form if possible because i believe, it will give her the best chance and it will shut up "THE PROFESSOR" and DD2.

onedaytomany Sun 05-May-13 18:35:33

MTS COSTO CHICHEN FARM . you are right she is a child PRODIGY and not PRODIGAL daughter however, her dad thinks that when he is with her she is the returning PRODIGAL DAUGHTER.

Kez100 Sun 05-May-13 18:39:53

Well, teach your DD2 some humility when she is with you.

And next time they are due to see him, let DD1 stay home if she wants. Tel the 'up his own arse' father that she is home studying. That should, at least, keep him quiet.

Your elder daughter may well go to University, if she wants to. My daughter worked hard and got 11 C Grades GCSEs. She is now bossing a BTEC in the area she wants to work in. In fact, her predicated grades would allow her to apply to read Art History at Oxford (not that she wants to)....except she doesn't want to 'read' anything, she want to actually 'do it', so will pick a different Uni or even an apprenticeship.

onedaytomany Sun 05-May-13 18:54:14

THANK YOU KEZ 100. She actually stayed with me this weekend,and we have just come back from shopping,which she really enjoyed. DD1 gives me back talk all the time and tries,to use clever words. She even said that DD1 is from "THE THICK SIDE OF THE FAMILY" meaning me because you failed your 11+ as well. She says she wants to live with her dad, but when i say you will have to go to a "NORTHEN COMPREHENSIVE" SHE SAYS I WILL GO PRIVATE". I then say to her your Dad is a "LEFTIE" so you wont,she then storms off . JOB DONE brought her down to earth.

onedaytomany Sun 05-May-13 19:27:52

SORRY SHOULD HAVE SAID DD1 BEST SUBJECT IS ENGLISH.

onedaytomany Sun 05-May-13 19:29:38

I KEEP GETTING MY DD"S MIXED UP dont i.

Jimmybob Sun 05-May-13 22:57:06

Long message but I am so cross about this. Your ex is an ar** and turning dd2 into one too. (You might want to show here these messages)

I think I would have a serious talk with DD2 about what she wants out of life. Success isn't based soley on academics and the research shows it has much more to do with emotional intelligence and that is coming up higher in the ranks even in academic careers, where finding funding is becoming more and more important. If she is not careful no one will want to employ her as she won't have developed the required social skills. I feel a bit sorry for her as her father is setting her up for a big fall. (He sounds a bit thick to me! - you know clever but stupid).

Also sit down with dd1 about the how the research is now showing that people who work hard tend to better in the long run. I would also work with her to recognise what she is doing well. My sister was supposed to be the 'clever' one and she is - when I was younger I probably agreed until I decided I could do things too. On course for doing my PhD as an A student. Completely fluffed my A Levels - so there is always hope.

You might want to read the Talent Myth - sorry can't remember author at mo.

I would also take a deep breath and talk to ex. Might want to bone up on the brain science about how he if effecting neuron development in dd1...that might shut him up. Or, give DD1 the option not to visit him any more...

BTW my dd1 is a prodigy too and lovely with it. Humility goes a long way!

MagratGarlik Mon 06-May-13 07:48:04

Sorry, I find your posts quite difficult to read. Sometimes you talk about DD1 being the bully, then DD2?? A large proportion of the posts are written in capitals too.

I get the impression that there is much more behind this than you are letting on and I'm sorry but you lost me at the threat of your DD going to a "northern comprehensive". (Are you saying there are no intelligent children in the north? I went to one of the best state schools there is up there and did very well, thanks).

It sounds to me that whilst your ex-H is pulling down DD1, you are determined to show DD2 that she's not all that special. It should not be about bringing your DD2 back to earth, it should be about building up the confidence of DD1 and giving her opportunities to shine.

It also seems that rather than your ex-H and you fighting each other, you need to be talking to each other and working out between you what is best for both girls. It sounds as though your DD1 needs to build up more of a relationship with her father to - couldn't she visit him on her own so they spend some quality time together without comparisons with DD2?

Just some thoughts.

Saracen Mon 06-May-13 09:25:17

I agree with Magrat. It's important to support your older daughter and not let the younger one bully her.

But it seems as if your anger with your younger daughter for exhibiting some unpleasant behaviour is going to drive quite a wedge between you and her. Has your relationship with her been difficult for a while?

Somehow I think that if you and your younger daughter were close, you wouldn't have much difficulty sorting out her unkind behaviour toward her sister. My theory is that she's bullying because she feels hurt, whatever the reason for that hurt might be.

Of course you can't tolerate her behaviour, but the problem lies deeper than that.

ryanboy Mon 06-May-13 09:54:32

Just going by your post, it is clear DD2 takes after her DF not her DM!!!!

But seriously your DD2 is riding for an almighty fall with arrogance like that!

HotCrossPun Mon 06-May-13 10:06:14

Why are you putting random capitalised words into your sentences?

ryanboy Mon 06-May-13 10:19:06

how did you meet your ex?

DeWe Mon 06-May-13 17:03:11

I agree with Magrat too.

It sounds like you and your exh have each picked your favourites and are determined to show that their ability is better.
The part where you tell your maths dd that she's not going private, then later you talk about sending your language dd to private to "prove she's better". I hope you seriously don't mean that. That really is just sounding spiteful. And it wouldn't necessarily prove anything-maths dd would just say that you'd given language dd the opportunities you wouldn't give her.

I'm not sure which dd is which, which is why I've called them maths dd and language dd, but I'd say you need to start celebrating what each dd can do best.

If you can manage to start saying "well done, I'm really proud of your ability is maths/physics" then you may find that she feels she doesn't have to try and prove that she's better and the comments stop.

Just think about it. When was the last time you told your maths dd that you were proud of something she'd done?

Scarletbanner Mon 06-May-13 17:12:15

What's wrong with comprehensives? If Kent had them, your elder dd wouldn't have been written off at 11.

coppertop Mon 06-May-13 17:15:08

Between you and your ex you're in serious dager of splitting your family right down the middle - you and dd1 vs your ex and dd2.

Your dd2 may be great at maths and physics but she's still only 12 or 13yrs old. Are you punishing her when she is nasty to her sister?

I would also be concerned about how much pressure her own father may be putting on her too. What if she doesn't get into Oxbridge? Not even a prodigy will be guaranteed a place. She needs guidance to start thinking about a back-up plan.

Does your older dd still want to go on these visits to see her father?

TBH it sounds as though you all need some outside help here as the current family dynamic sounds so unhealthy. Some family therapy or family counselling would be helpful for you and your two children. There seems to be so much more going on here than just one child bullying another.

Jimmybob Mon 06-May-13 17:54:32

That sounds like a v sensible suggestion coppertop

onedaytomany Mon 06-May-13 18:08:07

THANKS. I will answer a few questions. 1How did i meet DD"S1+2 father. He used to walk past my School and asked me out, i was rather stupidly blown away by his inteligence,he used to say he was the brains i was the beauty. On to more serious issues DD2 always blamed me for the divorce and continues to. DD2 as always been 2 or 3 years above her chronological age academically,but very immature emotionally and can act like a 10 year old. DD1 is very emotionally mature and knows i could not continue with their father anymore. I have said to DD1 that because she feels awful, every time she comes back from him she does not have to go in future. She said that will break her dads heart, what i have suggested is that DD2 goes to see her father on her own,that way she can show him her strenghts in different ways.I will take DD1 out on my own and rebuild my releationship with her. When i failed my 11+ i wish there had been comprehensive schools in the area but there are not so i have no problem at comprehensives,or northen comprehensives i only say these things because sometimes,DD2 gets very big headed and looks down on less fourtunate people. Regarding private education DD2 has been offered 60% academic scholarships to public and private schools but i can only afford, to send one of the girls. The education DD2 is getting at her grammar school is fantastic and they really push her, and if she continues on her current path the choice for her will be bewtreen a russell group uni or oxbridge. Whereas two years in a private school in the sixth form could be the difference for DD1. The decision is based on who needs it the most. Their father is ideologically opposed to private education and will not contribute a single penny.

onedaytomany Mon 06-May-13 18:52:24

I have said DD"S father why dont you take DD1 to see a Newcastle match At ST James park, DD1 is a massive football fan and is a very good sports person very good hockey player,and has run for the county at 100 metres and 200 metres. In 2 years time i will be looking for a private school in north kent with good sporting facilities,for "SENSIBLE MONEY". I dont think DDS father means to be awful i just think he is emotionally inept and because from a young man,he has been surrouned by academics and academia, he thinks thats the only thing in life.

HanShotFirst Mon 06-May-13 19:06:23

If I were you, I would be telling DD2 that being very clever is not the be all and end all - especially if no-one likes you because of your obnoxious behaviour. I understand that she is taking this lead from her father, but you can have an influence too, by letting her know it is not acceptable in anyway to treat anyone how she is treating her sister.

Secondly, please talk to DD1 and let her know that she doesn't have to see her father if he makes her feel so terrible. He is being emotionally abusive and there is no excuse for that. Tell him how DD1 is feeling, and if it continues and your daughter feels supported enough, maybe she'll just stop seeing him. From the sounds of him it wouldn't be any great loss.

I was, and still am, a lot more academically advantaged than my brother, but I have and would never make him feel bad about it, or even point it out. What he lacks in academic talent he more than makes up for with his character - people genuinely seem to love him and speak highly of him no matter what, whereas I am much mre introverted and people overlook me. I would happily give up some of my academic ability in exchange for his character.

TheBookofRuth Mon 06-May-13 19:19:32

Just a small point: people from the north are not "less fortunate". We have fire and indoor plumbing and electricity and everything now.

cory Mon 06-May-13 19:52:03

I think you need to remember that your dd2, however unpleasant, is a child whose behaviour you need to control, not an adult whom you can resent or whose views (on Northern comprehensives or whatever) you need to adopt as your own in your arguments with her. Are you perhaps identifying her with her father and projecting the (quite justifiable) irritation you feel against with onto the daughter who parrots the sayings of her father? (and do you think your ex might perhaps be doing the same with your other daughter?)

This is bound to end in tears. You are the adult, you must speak and act as the adult. That means zero tolerance of rudeness and bullying, but it also means sticking to adult ideas of dignity and not letting yourself get drawn into arguments on a pre-teen level.

onedaytomany Tue 07-May-13 18:58:26

UPDATE. Last night i had a long chat with both DD"s,i said we have got to stop all this bitterness to each other. DD1 and2 have accepted,that they have different qualties and strengths,DD2 is not very sporty where as DD1 is excellent at most sports,DD2 also knows she has got to try harder at being nice to people,and not putting them down on academic abillty. Finally their father has come round to spending time with DD1,on her own. DDS1 relationship with her father was fractured when we split up,DD1 was aware of the problems,whereas DD2 was to young and her father just kept on praising her academic abilty. At the end of the chat DD1 and DD2 hugged each other.

cory Tue 07-May-13 22:54:36

Ah, good on you, well done! That is so positive!

Saracen Wed 08-May-13 05:08:13

Wow, that's fantastic! I'm sure it won't be easy but it sounds like you have found a good way forward.

DeWe Wed 08-May-13 12:33:57

It's great you have managed to have a talk with all three of you and hopefully you will be able to work on from that.

But at the same time, I think you do need to work on your relationship with dd2. If you take the above statement we have one positive about dd1 (excellent at most sports) and three negative ones about dd2 (not very sporty; try harder to be nicer; not putting people down).
When dd1 goes to her father, then take the time to spend with dd2 for your relationship.

I really think if you are able to praise dd2 for her abilities then she will lose the need to brag about them to dd1. Because what she's doing is trying to get your approval.
The person I know who was in a similar position to your dd2 hasn't spoken or seen her mum in 15 years. sad The person whose approval she still would value over everyone elses is her mums. sad

gazzalw Wed 08-May-13 12:39:16

One of the greatest life-lessons for children as the grow-up is the humility.

It sounds as if you've done the right thing, OP, in hitting the nail on the head with this not-very-nice behaviour.

Often it is the case that the perceived to be "less able/academic" siblings do better in life than the 'clever ones'.

gazzalw Wed 08-May-13 12:40:41

Sorry that first sentence should read: ...for children as they grow up is the art of humility.

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