How do I motivate my 15yr old son?

[Suburbanqueen]

My son is 15 and in Year 10 so is just in his 1st term of GCSE courses. I just had an open evening at his comprehensive and every teacher, without fail, said 'he is an A student with a current predicted grade of D'

I left feeling very upset and he is totally unfazed. He just says 'I'm lazy'. I've taken everything out of his room , his X-box, TV, computer etc and he doesn't care. His father works in Sctland from Monday - Friday and it's just my son and me. I work fulltime too and I am so tired of nagging him and getting upset etc. Has anyone got any ideas about how to motivate him to stop him from underachieving. He's a lovely natured boy but he just can't see why he should try at school. His older sister (22) workd hard and is now a teacher.

[mumonthenet]

Very frustrating I know.

He can't see why he should try at school because he can't see what he wants from his life and can't see the connection. Normal for many 15 year old.

What are his interests - his passions? Think hard (he must have some!). Look at the options for him after gcses? There are so many other ways of getting an education nowadays. Maybe you could find an a level college which combines something practical...rather than just go the same route that all his friends are doing.

There's loads of info on the net.

Also, make him get a job, (preferably a really tough, dirty, demanding summer job!)

[webwiz]

I think this is a huge problem with today's exam system - my brother was quite lazy and unmotivated in year 10 (or 4th year as it was then). In fact he was quite lazy and unmotivated for most of the next year until the Easter holidays when he shut himself in his room revised like mad and got really good O level results. This option just isn't open to kids any more as there is the constant drip, drip of modules and coursework all the way through the 2 GCSE years. DD1 was like this as well she just couldn't see that a science module taken in year 10 had any relevance to her final result.

My advice from the other side would be draw up some guidelines about school work ie he just has to do what is set and then he gets to go on his x box etc(we tried to find things that she was interested in and find some natural motivation but never managed it). If he has an exam he just has to do a certain amount of revision. The idea being he is learning how to study and when the urge to work finally kicks in (with DD1 it was about a month before A level final exams)he has the right skills in place.

[iamdisappointedinyou]

He sounds like the fairly typical 15 y.o. boy, if that's any consolation.
I had a bit of a barny with my DS the other day about his "can't be arsed" and "you can't make me do it" attitude. He needed me to do something for him a few days later and you can guess what reply he got.
Next time your DS asks what's for dinner or where is his clean shirt etc, tell him that you felt lazy and it hasn't been done.

[pagwatch]

Have you tried asking him what he wants to do when he is an adult? My son has never been expecially hard to motivate as the school don't tolerate poor performance but he is motivated bythe knowledge that the better his exam results the more options open to him after school.

He also has had to accept that you work for reward. His current 'work' is school. The deal is that he does what is expected of him and his 'wages' consist of pocket money, mobile phone, nice clothes, nights out etc. If he doesn't work then he gets no pocket money, I cancel his phone, stop buying him clothes, no money for nights out etc.
He knows I mean it so it is never an issue.

[Suburbanqueen]

Thanks all of you for all your comments and ideas and there are some trigger points here which I hadn't thought of and will give them a go. He is ill with flu at th momnet so have not brought up th subject again but once he is back on his feet, I will make a new plan of attack.

Thanks again.

[iamdisappointedinyou]

Good idea to make a plan: I suggest one thing that you might do is get a list of important dates eg does he have exams coming up (Science seem to drop them in at strange times esp things like practicals) but also find out cousework deadlines

[Goblinchild]

pagwatch, I'm sorry but I don't remember if your boy is an Aspie. Mine is, and 15 as well. The strategies you describe are exactly what I use, plus the teachers can email or send work home if he's not pulling his weight in class.
It's been very effective so far.

[madamearcati]

You can lead a horse to water...
At the end of the day he has to find his own motivation and he might well do that when the exams get closer.
I think nagging him can only have the opposite effect

[scaryteacher]

Mine is year 9 and I have the same problems. Two solutions that have occurred to me are boarding school, and having 'prep' when he gets in. No playing on the PS3 until the homework is done and dusted to my satisfaction. I am going to try the latter before resorting to the former, though there are times when I think going to boarding school would sort him out.

[mumandeverythingelse]

Not sure if my experiences will resonate with anyone but I hope they can help. I've got two teenagers, boys, and the oldest is now doing A levels. Had the same issue of being bright as a button (especially with smart-alec comments!) but made minimal effort when it came to school work.

Eventually we sat down over dinner and had a 'grown up' chat about school, future plans, goals and ambitions. It was a slog, not many 15 year olds are willing to express any shadow of caring about their own futures, plenty of "I dunno's" but after a while he responded to being treated like an adult and we established he really enjoys languages and travelling and that he would love to work abroad.

I found that gave me a bit of ammunition to make him think of school work, exams and qualifications as a "means to an end". I made him research language based careers, language degrees, everything from translation and the glamorous life of interpreting (and how much they earn!) which seemed to excite him a little more than the idea of "growing up an getting an office job."

Tricky part was the actual catching up with school work. He was studying French and German at GCSE, is French was fine but his German was probably below par as he didn't get on with the teacher and other such excuses.

Time was running out and he desperately needed B's to study them both at A level, so I sent him on a German revision course that was being run at a local school (Justin Craig Education- think they do courses in every subject, and for A level as well) I wasn't really holding by breath but it seemed to help him a lot as they covered all the basics, revision techniques and exam technique, which is probably where most 15 year olds fall down even if they know the material - I can't imagine they've never had to cope with that kind of stress before. Plus he made a few other German-enthusiast friends (hoorah!) which seemed to make him think it slightly more cool to like languages. Plus as they were examiners and not his usual school teachers, I think he actually paid attention.

My advice never underestimate a teenager's real feeling as opposed to school-boy bravado - and try and make them see the bigger picture. Exams after all are to help them achieve their own ambitions. Also it turned out my son had been aware he was getting behind, but too stubborn to ask for help and decided to pretend he didn't care instead. Very glad I persevered - he got the grades in the end.

[mumblechum]

OP, I'd agree with Mumandeverything, that you need to find out what he sees himself doing in the future.

My ds is set on doing medicine and breezes through sciences and maths but really struggles with stuff that he sees as peripheral to his "proper" education, like tech, RE, Business Studies. With those, I don't put any pressure on him - they're virtually worthless as GCSEs but he has to do them to get up to the 12 they have to take.

Once you know what your ds wants to do for a job, even if it's vague, you can encourage him particularly in those subjects so he doesn't feel he has a ridiculous amount on his plate.

[mumblechum]

Also talk about the sort of money you can get with different jobs. That's a massive motivator for ds who has dreams of nice cars, swanky apartment etc etc.

[Tortington]

i think its best to remember that education needn't stop at GCSE's and whether they achieve them or not.

[scaryteacher]

Thanks for the worthlessness of RE as a GCSE - he may find some knowledge of religions useful if he does medicine!

[mumblechum]

Sorry Teech. His words, not mine, if that's any consolation! I'm sure you know how teenage boys' minds work.

[Cazzeran]

It seems to me that something has switched him off and you, or someone else needs to switch him back on. It only needs something maybe quite insignificant to have happened probably in school to make him behave the way he is. The problem with schools today is that too much time is given to the curriculum and not enough time to education. So the education bit is up to someone else. What does he enjoy doing. Is there anyone who is older and takes part in an activity he enjoys who can act as a mentor to him and explain the link between what he achieves at school and what he wants out of life. Parents have difficulty with this and are often ignored by their own children but what about grandparents or an uncle or his best friend?s dad or even a teacher who he gets on well with.

[Suburbanqueen]

Thanks again for all your comments and it's really making me think hard. Home life has been very disrupted for a long time now and our marriage is very rocky. That doesn't help I'm sure.

He does a very clever friend whose Dad he likes and admires. I might well try that tack. No grandparents left and his Dad works in Scotland Monday - Friday so I do feel I'm on my own here. I've asked the school for a day by day report so I can try to see if there's a pattern.

[Ninja2012]

Hi, my son is 18. I completely get where you guys are coming from as I seem to have gone through with my son most things you guys have described. He is getting his head down but the support we are getting from the school is zero (despite it being an independent school) We feel heart broken because of the lack of support and concern from the school. We are currently thinking about sending him on the Justin Craig Easter revision courses (Economics and Chemistry in Harrogate) and the May Bank holiday revision course (Biology - Westminster City School - London). All 3 revision courses cost £1195 altogether. It's a lot of money so was wondering if anyone could tell us of their experiences with Justin Craig or recommend something else.

Please help!