has anyone's child managed a bullying situation successfully themselves without

[stuffitllama]

..recourse to school authority or talking to the other mum?

Would welcome any experiences you may have had. My Y7 child is being pushed around and wishes to manage it himself, and I want to support him every way I can. We've talked about various ways of how the school could help "without anyone knowing" but he wants to sort it out himself. He's not an "alpha kid" but pretty feisty with decent playground self esteem. But a bigger kid is really pushing him around quite badly, not every day but often enough for it to be troubling. This other child does have self-control and anger issues but you know it's just got to the stage where I want to thump him myself (hem am not going to before I get flamed!)

My own child is small and if he thumps back will simply get thumped harder.

If you have anything I can suggest saying to him I'd be grateful. Thanks.

[stuffitllama]

Sorry I should say I have to post and run right now, but will be back asap. Thanks for any help.

[edam]

Hmm. Does the nasty boy target yours in particular or is he horrid to several children? Can your son either avoid him or recruit his friends somehow to a show of solidarity? I helped someone else deal with bullying at the same age by being her friend, standing next to her and telling people overtly a. to leave her alone and b. that bullying was pathetic.

Exactly when and in what circumstances does he cause trouble - can you role play responses/tactics for these occasions? Can your son make sure he is somewhere in the playground where supervisors/teachers will see what is going on?

Some sort of martial art class might be helpful - not in terms of hitting back but in learning about how to stand your ground without violence and when to walk away - there's something about confidence and physical presence that I think could be helpful.

Also check out the kidscape website - and there are other anti-bullying charities out there, have a google and you might find some tips.

[edam]

Speaking up is one tactic I've come across - saying loud enough for others to hear 'that's not very nice' or 'don't push me around' or whatever.

[neolara]

I know your DS doesn't want to get the school involved, but I really think he needs to. The research on bullying suggests that bullying is very rarely a simple bully / victim senario but is part of a much wider group dynamic.

Typically there is one boy / girl (the bully) who wants to be top dog. They are surrounded by a group of wannabees who support him / her. They may be absolutely vile to each other but their status is dependent on being part of this group and so they generally do what the top dog says. The group, led by top dog, then find someone to pick on as a way of asserting their power and letting everyone else know.

There are a lot of children who are not actively involved as either bully or victim but who are all aware of what is happening. The actions of these bystanders tends to determine whether bullying continues or is stopped. Often the bystanders do not intervene, because they feel huge relief that they are not the ones being picked on. If they raise their heads above the parapet, by protesting or alligning themselves with the victim, then they are concerned that they might become the next victim themselves. Some also just might not be that bothered. However, schools which have managed to motivate bystanders to intervene to stop bullying behaviour when they see it have significantly lower incidence of bullying than others where bystanders do nothing. The actions of the school in actively promoting bystanders to intervene is therefore crucial and is the most important thing in reducing bullying.

Unfortunately the research seems to suggest that there is little victims can do by themselves to stop the bullying. It is a group dynamic and really needs to be treated as such.

I really hope your DS can sort this out, but I would strongly recommend getting the school actively involved. Motivating bystanders can be done through lots of class discussions and assemblies about bullying. It does not have to be as simple as the class teacher telling off the bully.

[scaryteacher]

I would have a word with the form tutor who may already be aware of this, and/or the year head.
We had a similar situation recently, and DS got quite upset, but still wanted to deal with it himself. I eventually stepped in when he was refusing to go to school because of it.

The form tutor can alert the other student's form tutor and year head to what is going on, and the situation should then be monitored. This means that the school can hold back on any overt action which would bring attention to your son (presumably why he wants to sort it for himself), but tackle it in other ways. If your son is being hassled, other students may be having the same problem, and not having any support at dealing with it, so involving the school is important.

Your son also needs to keep a record of incidents that happen, when and where, so that it can be used if necessary. The school will want to be aware of what is going on, as they have a legal duty of care to your son, and then they can intervene if it looks as if it is escalating. They may also be watching the bully, and lloking for evidence to exclude or suspend him, so if you raise the problem, this would help them.

No-one except your son and his tutors need know that you got involved. There isn't any point a school having an anti-bullying policy if it is not used by the parents. It is what it is there for!

[stuffitllama]

Thanks all for your detailed responses. Scaryteacher are you a teacher as well as a parent? Once again am running but have been able to discuss with my son the idea of being "loud" Edam which I think is a brilliant idea and he seems to think is very do-able. I think other (equally small) children are bothered by him but it is exactly this thing about fear of becoming the next victim. My son has some good friends and they do stand up for each other but it's not working at the moment unfortunately to deter this other kid. The tactics you are talking about neolara sound ideal but I don't think it's addressed this way in school. I've decided to have a meeting with the head about the general issue of bullying policy and see what tactics they use. I'm not that confident about the school's strength in this area but he has a great form tutor so she is someone I would be happy to talk to about the specifics -- I just feel I still need the get-go on that from my son so will have to find out more about what action will follow so that I can explain it to him.

Once again with thanks, it's going to be very helpful.

[scaryteacher]

Yes, I am a teacher, albeit 'resting' at the moment, as I had to give up teaching to move abroad. DS is at the local international yet British school.

I e-mailed DSs tutor and copied it to the Head of Year, and was asked in for a meeting. This resulted in one lad ceasing bullying, and even apologising to DS as he had worked out that it was DS who was upset, and didn't realise that what he was doing was perceived as bullying. The other lad carries on with name calling, but I have explained to DS that he has to ignore this, and that there are just some people you don't get on with, and that some people behave like this because they feel inadequate.

DS did not want me to go to the school about this, but sometimes you HAVE to step in and help. You could e-mail or call his tutor and ask him/her not to let your son know that you have contacted them, and they should respect this. I always did...but kept a weather eye out for my tutees in such cases. I then came down like a ton of bricks on the bully when the opportunity arose. My mantra was no-one hassles my tutor group in school except me!

The tutor should also be able if necessary to keep the tutor room open for your son to have a safe place to go to, or arrange with the HoY for him to go to their office if he feels threatened. Knowing there is somewhere to go helps as well.

Hope this helps...but you may have to step in without your son knowing.

[stuffitllama]

Thankyou scaryteacher. I'm very hopeful that our tutor will be as supportive as you, she seems to have a very similar sort of approach in general, which I will really need. Also tks for sharing your experience. You must have great confidence in yr school.. I would absolutely hate for my son to find out that I HAD gone to the school behind his back and would have to be really sure that there's no way he would discover it accidentally. We have a pretty good "talking" relationship and I think he'd be a bit bewildered if I told him one thing and did another -- however there's a point at which one must stop being "wishy-washy" (I'm sure you know what I mean) and be a parent!

[scaryteacher]

I know exactly what you mean. I told DS that it had gone far enough as he was refusing school, and that I was going to intervene, but that I would try and keep his name out of it. I didn't have heaps of confidence in the school, but I know which buttons to press, and it worked for me.

DS is now much more settled and happier, and others on the admin staff that I know at the school keep an unobtrusive eye out for me as well, and let me know if there are hassles with the lad in question.

[stuffitllama]

Am so glad it's worked out for him. Pls keep your fingers crossed for me! Am checking out kidscape website too x

[Bubble99]

Hope things work out OK for your DS, stuffitllama. It must be a big enough step, settling into Y7 - without having to deal with bullying as well.

[stuffitllama]

Thanks Bubble I do feel like what happens now could set the tone for the whole of secondary so really want to help him nip this in the bud.

[Bubble99]

He's being pushed around by a bigger kid. Is this kid in an older year group or is he 'bigger' physically but also in YR7?

IYSWIM?

[stuffitllama]

(Sorry been rooting round old threads)
Same year group -- physically bigger. He goes for children who are a lot smaller than him. He has a sister who is also a little bit troubled and wild. He's also very popular. ( ) The thing I'm really pleased about is that my son is talking about it, so are the other children he attacks, and me and other mums have all talked about it together at pick-up, so all of them are aware (we think) that there's no shame involved, and that it's not their "fault" in any way. My son is the current target, but they all want to deal with it, and want to deal with it themselves. The other mums differ. One in particular is adamant they sort it out themselves and that we don't really do anything, but I most definitely want to be on standby for intervention. Blimey am rambling here.

[stuffitllama]

Once again thanks.. have checked out Kidscape and found it very useful. My ds is going to be "loud" if it happens today!

[scaryteacher]

I think you'll find that the school will be aware of this especially if the sibling is already in school. Lots of info gets passed on from primary to secondary, and this should have been picked up and passed on. However, you do need to be on standby as if it does goes pearshaped you can step in.

Good on your lad for wanting to sort it out, but if it drags on for too long, something will have to be done, as no-one should have to put up with this for a whole school year, and if it is not stopped, the bully will carry on as long as he is unchecked. Whilst it is year 7 on year 7, it is one thing, but what about when he is year 9, picking on year 7s?

Also, whilst your lad is robust enough to cope with this, there will be some that are not, and there could be nasty consequences if the bully picks on someone who can't/won't deal with it. You can't be bound by what the other mums want, you have to do what is right for your child, not theirs.