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Secondary education

Parents of boarders - please help! (Re: homesickness)

168 replies

Sundressandsandals · 04/09/2015 09:47

Dd 1 (13) has just started boarding school last weekend. She's new to the school after living overseas most of her life and we're in the UK until Christmas, when we'll be moving to a remote country where the education at secondary level is not of the standard we want for her.

We all recognise that in an ideal world we would all be together, but that the school she is now attending will enable her to be settled for her last 5 years of school and offers opportunities that she wouldn't have with us.

But she is so, so homesick and my heart is breaking. We've not spoken on the phone (having been told that voices from home just exacerbate homesickness in the first weeks) but have been instant messaging in the evenings and she seems to be spending most of her out of school hours in tears. She's being supported by the (very nice) matron and housemistress, who have been keeping in contact with us, but she is so utterly miserable.

Have your dcs been through this? Will it get better? Can you have such an unhappy start and get through the homesickness to a point where you can be happy boarding, or do some children never settle to it? I'm feeling so wretched at putting her through this - please share your stories.

Thank you for listening.

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TeenAndTween · 04/09/2015 10:12

I was a boarder, not a parent of one.

It has been less than a week so far. She needs to give it until at least half term to settle in, make friends, and get busy.

I'm not convinced that messaging every day is great either, but accept that in these days of instant contact it may now be the accepted norm.

Hopefully once homework and clubs kick in properly she'll be too busy and tired to be too homesick. Try to get her to focus on what she is enjoying, rather than what she isn't.

Hope she and you feel better soon.

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Gruach · 04/09/2015 11:24

So she's pretty much new to the UK as well?

It's an enormous amount of change to adjust to all at once. (I often wonder how new "foreign" boarders cope, regardless of the loveliness of their school.)

In your position I'd be trying to establish how much of what she currently feels is related to moving country and being away from everything familiar as opposed to being at school for a few weeks at a time. I imagine the clock ticking down to Christmas and your next move is weighing on her as well?

I'm stalling because I have so far no experience (as adult or child) of extreme homesickness while boarding. (I've felt it at other times and know how frantic it can make one.) I'm also praying it won't unexpectedly rear its head in the next few weeks. We did say to the boarding child, when he began a few years ago, that it would be perfectly normal to feel homesick, lost, confused, even rather distressed, intermittently over the first term. And that he shouldn't assume that those feelings meant that boarding was a mistake. We also said that he should give himself at least two terms to feel settled.

He said at the end of the first term that it's important to make some friends quickly.
Is your DD someone who usually makes friends with relative ease or was that always going to be a struggle?

If you must be in contact every evening (!) can you get her to talk about other people at school (and the weird stuff they do) rather than herself? And try to wean her off nightly messages. Cut their frequency down gradually? She can't get into school business properly if she's spending the days thinking about what she'll say to you later.

I suspect that if you had not thought she'd cope you would have chosen something different - you'll know if she can get through this period. But she may be feeling that she needs you to do something drastic right now, before you disappear to the remote place.

Must you go at Christmas?

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Millymollymama · 04/09/2015 11:48

My children were not allowed to be in touch with us, in any form, every evening when they first started. They had an extremely busy few weeks and our first contact was at a bbq 3 weks in. I think if she needs to be in contact with you all the time, I would be wondering about whether boarding is the right solution. Has she been away from you before? Is she the right sort of "boarding child"? Or is she dependent upon you for cuddles and reassurance?

If she has independence, resiliance and can make friends, she will be fine. You do not say what the school staff are saying? Is it as bad as she is telling you? You have, of course, chosen this way of life and therefore knew she would have to board. Did you do any preparation for this? My DD went to summer schools in a boarding school from the age of 8. Loved every single minute of it. So, come 11 making friends, being in a boarding house and being away from home was very much what she wanted to do and she knew what to expect.

Modern boarding schools also have lots of exeats so even boarders see their parents fairly frequently. I was only 45 minutes from school so I saw school plays, concerts, sports, attended House dinners, plays, dance and music events and all the Parents Association functions. I guess you will not be doing any of that.

Finally, from what I have seen, the vast majority of homesickness goes away. I have seen a few leave because they cannot cope with it. These children should not have boarded in the first place. They did because their parents wanted boarding, not the children. You have to know your child is suited to it, whatever your circumstances.

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Gruach · 04/09/2015 12:05

An obvious question but had she wanted to go to this particular school? And was she herself enthusiastic about boarding? And relaxed about your future plans?

I hope you could answer yes to each of those. In all honesty I wouldn't fancy your chances if none of this is what she wants. (And I am a relentless advocate of boarding for the right child.)

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Gruach · 04/09/2015 12:08

Sorry - that sounds as if I'm blaming you in some way. I don't mean to - but there's only so far you can push someone. She really, really has to have wanted to be there.

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Sundressandsandals · 04/09/2015 12:10

Thank you for your responses. Yes, I think the nightly messaging may not be helping - though the school says that it's fine and the norm these days. I boarded in the days of a letter taking 3 weeks and a 5 minute phonecall at half term to the other side of the world! But just to clarify, I'm talking 5-10 mins of messaging, not the whole evening, and we have been encouraging her to "talk" about the people she's meeting/things she's doing - not about the homesickness.

She knows that she has to give it a year - we're not about to sweep in and carry her home. She also knows that the school in our new country would not serve her well, but that if, after a year, she decides that she cannot board, she can come and be with us. We do have to go - or at least, my husband does, and dd2 has a place in a primary there - and we do want to have as many of us living together as possible!

She makes good friends, but in a quiet, needs-to-find-someone-she-clicks-with sort of way - she's not a centre of attention, makes-friends-with-everyone sort of girl. So it will take time, and she knows that - but feels that everyone else is making friends and finding their feet and she's not. I've told her that she's probably not the only one feeling the way she does and it all takes time, but she seems to have lost confidence in herself and her ability to connect with people.

Millymollymama -she's been away of Brownie camps and school residentials before, so these are not her first nights away from home. We are currently 45 minutes away and will do everything we can to support her and the school's activities in this next term and whenever we can on trips from abroad, but obviously cannot be there as often as a UK based parent. The school acknowledges that she is extremely homesick, but that it is early days. We did not know from the start that she would end up boarding: there are plenty of places that my husband's career might have taken us with viable international schools!

But thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts - Mumsnet is a great support.

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trilbydoll · 04/09/2015 12:15

Not quite the same, but when my sister went to uni she was on the phone every night to my parents in floods of tears. They went to get her a few times I think (5 hour round trip!)

It got better once she had made some friends and everything wasn't so overwhelmingly new, she needed some confidence that she knew where she was going etc. it took about 6w, hopefully your DD will find her feet quickly.

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Nonnainglese · 04/09/2015 12:16

The poor lass is having to get used to being in the UK, starting a new school, making new friends and knowing that in three months time you're moving to the back of beyond without her. I'm not in the slightest bit surprised she's struggling big time. You're not going to be around for her at all so it's hardly surprising she's struggling. I really feel for her.

I don't have any suggestions other than to say that it's a lot to take on board for her, and you.

I do hope she settles down quickly.

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Sundressandsandals · 04/09/2015 12:18

I obviously write too slowly, and missed the update from Gruach! We visited 8 schools, applied to 3 and she had offers from all. She chose this one (with our support and agreement.)

She knows that the work that we do takes us all over the world, not always to the most family-friendly places, but that it gives us all some extraordinary experiences that we wouldn't have otherwise. She's known that she will probably board for the last 3 or so years, and I thought we'd prepared her well. She was apprehensive - but I think that's natural: she's left her home of the last 4 years (as have we all), her school, friends etc.

Does she really want to be there? Honestly, we would all rather be together. But she recognises that stability at school and in friendships is invaluable (I've lost count of the number of best friends we've had to say goodbye to over the years in international schools) and as a very academic child, she realises that the educational system in the UK will give her better opportunities both in and out of the classroom than the small school overseas.

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CrabbyTheCrabster · 04/09/2015 12:22

Might Interhigh, an online secondary school, be an option? There are students there from all over the world.

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Dreamgirls234 · 04/09/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruach · 04/09/2015 12:25

While you're here take a look at this thread on boarding for a few more opinions.

It must be rather heart-wrenching for you I know.

Look, if I were your DD it would be the Christmas threat that made me most unhappy. I could probably live with the homesickness if I knew home was there somewhere, quite close. But she knows you're going far away - within weeks - and then she'll be stuck (and she probably imagines she'll feel exactly the same for the next five years.)

Stop and think. Talk to your DH. Could you not possibly decide, and tell her, that you will stay for another term or even two, in order to help her settle? And that she must now give all her effort to doing that? (It's something that has had to happen in slightly different ways chez moi ...)

I daresay your DH and younger DC could manage for a few months? Might be an adventure for them. What do you think?

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Seriouslyffs · 04/09/2015 12:30

It's very early days.
I'm glad the housemistress is sympathetic- can you ask her to keep dd busy? Extra responsibilities? And with advance warning wean off the nightly contact- so tell her now that next Monday, say you'll be unable to message her. Then another day at the end of the week and try an get down to twice weekly. Are you taking her out at the weekend? I don't know what to advise on that! Is there anything she could do in the morning before you see her, so she's meeting with other dcs who'll be around at the weekend?

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Gruach · 04/09/2015 12:35

One other thing - who have you appointed as guardian? Is it a fond relative - DGM or cousins or a godmother? Please tell me it's not a random stranger being paid to do it - poor child would have every right to kick off about that on top of everything else.

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choirmumoftwo · 04/09/2015 12:35

I sympathise. My DD also 13 has just started at day school after boarding and is desperate to go back to her old school (not an option). It's all about change and leaving familiar things behind. It will almost certainly get better but it will take strength and perseverance on everyone's part. She sounds very like my DD. Thinking of you all.

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Sundressandsandals · 04/09/2015 12:44

Thank you all for your input, suggestions and ideas.

Choirmum - thank you and I hope your dd soon settles down and grows to love her new school. It's hard seeing them so upset, isn't it.

Gruach - I'm feeling a bit attacked! Her guardians are her doting grandparents - she also has aunts, uncles, cousins, godparents and friends all eager to have her for leave weekends. Please don't assume the worst - we are a devoted (albeit internationally based) family trying to do the best for our child in less than ideal circumstances.

Seriouslyffs - she doesn't have a leave weekend until then end of September - it's a full boarding school - so no visit until then. But great advice on the weaning off messaging - thank you for your help.

Dreamgirls - thank you for your advice and support.

Crabby - thank you for an interesting back-up plan. It's useful to know about other alternatives.

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BoboChic · 04/09/2015 12:47

OP - you clearly have a bright DD and high academic expectations and, as a former boarder yourself, you are imbued in boarding school culture and it is your normal (and probably the normal of many of your DH's colleagues, from the sound of things).

But you know what: boarding is not normal and leaving your 13 year old behind while the rest of the family moved to a new country thousands of miles away is not normal. Take her with you. Clever DC with involved mothers do fine academically in average schools and her life will be so, so much better for having grown up in her family, not an institution.

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Gruach · 04/09/2015 12:54

Oh I'm not assuming the worst - just trying to see the full picture! (I've been in a similar-ish situation to your DD - but without all the rellies ...)

I wanted to suggest that you encourage her (if you're not already) to contact all those other people more and lean less on you. If she's well supported it's far more likely you'll arrive at a positive outcome of course.

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NerrSnerr · 04/09/2015 13:26

I see that you want the best for your whole family but surely if everyone can't live in the same country it should be an adult who lives thousands of miles away not a 13 year old girl.

I would review it after a term, not a year as that is a very long time for a child.

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RachelZoe · 04/09/2015 13:41

Yes, one of my twins really struggled at first when they went at 13, he was fine by half term, most children are. I would encourage her to interact with her matron/housemistress too, they will be well versed in this. I know it's difficult but push through, limit contact slightly but obviously not too much or entirely. Send care packages when you can. Talk with her housemistress and make sure she is doing lots of activities etc, the more she get's into the community the better she will feel, also talk about extra responsibilities as others have said.


A lot of people are very anti boarding school so will be negative but we who send our kids have our own reasons that are justified. It's been great for mine so far and I think it's really good for children to go. Kids who board pick up a great skillset for later life IMO.


Good luck, I know it's a bit gut wrenching but hopefully she will settle soon Smile Flowers


Bobochic

But you know what: boarding is not normal and leaving your 13 year old behind while the rest of the family moved to a new country thousands of miles away is not normal.


Maybe not normal in your world, but there are lots of people who do this for various reasons, many of my DC's friends board at their school and come from all over the world for various reasons, they're absolutely fine and it's what works best for their family.

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Dreamgirls234 · 04/09/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RachelZoe · 04/09/2015 13:46

Also Bobo

This Clever DC with involved mothers do fine academically in average schools and her life will be so, so much better for having grown up in her family, not an institution.


Maybe your idea of "academically average" is a bit skewed. There are a lot of international schools in the world that are absolutely dreadful. Far worse than even the worst schools here.

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ijustwannadance · 04/09/2015 13:52

I agree with NerrSnerr in that if you wanted for most of family to stay together you should of stayed and put youngest in school here too and let DH go away to work. I couldn't imagine choosing to leave a child over staying with a partner, especially at such an emotional age.
But then I have no experience of boarding other than enid blyton/harry potter so my opinion makes no diffetence.
You know how it felt to board. You know your own child. That is all that matters.

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ijustwannadance · 04/09/2015 13:53

*Difference. Bloody fat fingers.

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vixsatis · 04/09/2015 14:05

I sympathise- mine started at 8, monstrously homesick for the first term and, oddly, I think it even harder with a teenager: they're not only hormonal but they're more embedded in a more complex way in the things which are familiar to them. Change is difficult for them; and the prospect of further change when you leave the country must be very unsettling.

Having said that, it is very very early days and once she is settled and has made new friends she will almost certainly not just be fine but also love it. I'd agree with everyone else- you need to wean her off the messaging and when you do message, try to get her to tell you about what she is doing and enjoying rather than about being homesick. Try to stay upbeat yourself, so that she doesn't worry about you. Don't message her unless she messages you.

You might also try sending her things through the post: letters, cuttings, bits and pieces which might amuse or interest her. This way she is reassured that you are thinking of her but it's a bit more distant, so less likely to unsettle her.

Good luck!

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