I am not going

(50 Posts)
womanwithvan Tue 24-Jun-14 13:32:05

NC for this as ds knows my usual name and sorry for it being overly long

I have 2 children dd 15, ds 12.

dd started making her grand plan when she was 7 and we worked back to which schools she needed to be in to stand a chance of getting where she wants to be. I organised her tutors, extra curricular activities and she worked hard, all the time with her eyes firmly set on where she was going.

ds also knows what he wants to do and I did the same for him. But that is where it all starts to break down. Before the 1st lesson he had with a teacher he darted to moan about how he did not want to go in, he moaned continuously for 2 terms before every activity, and all evening after each activity.

This is the sort of thing he supposedly wants to do and enjoys doing when he is in the classes but it was getting him in the classes and then the onslaught of moaning when he came out of the classes. consequently I cancelled all classes

Anyway come to the examination and he gets in 2 out of the 3 schools he applied for. He refuses to go to the 2 he got in and moans about not getting in the school he didn't get in.

So he ends up in the local comp which we had not visited or done any research on because I thought he was going to go to one of the schools he got offered a place in.
I end up pulling him out of after a term because of his constant moaning about how he was not going into school, how he hated it, how he had no friends and on my part because of them not actually doing any work and getting a break from the constant battles to get him to do anything.
I home schooled him for a 1 1/2 terms and did the rounds of all the schools in the area and even looked at some private schools, not that we can afford them.

At the start back after 1/2 term he started at a localish school that as he put it, if he had to go to one it was the best of a bad lot. It is I have told him a good school to get him back on track to go to the school he wants to go to in year 9.

I have had weeks of moaning stomping around, tears and tantrums about how he isn't going to school again and this morning I completely lost the plot and threatened him with boarding school because I and the rest of the family cannot stand the moaning anymore.

He even had the cheek to say how his sister is so lucky how she got to go to the school he wanted to go to. I did point out that had he not moaned so much and had applied himself to the lessons I had organised for him then he would, in all probability have got in. He moaned about how there was no tester days at the schools he got offered. I then had to point out there was a tester day and he refused to go.

I really don't know what to do with him as most of what he is moaning about is usual for any school. Yesterday he was going through his terrible day and went into great detail how a lesson he had consisted of him having to copy stuff down from the

Help please He comes out in less than 2 hours and I am sick of the constant moaning and battles for him to do anything..

lia66 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:35:00

Perhaps not particularly helpful but why are you being dictated to by a 12 yr old?

Is there more to this?

What kind of schools are they?

Whereisegg Tue 24-Jun-14 13:49:48

Has he just taken on too much?
It is fairly unusual for a 7 year old to be so single minded and determined about their education (isn't it?!) so perhaps he thought he had to do what his dsis had done?

Maybe give him half an hour to vent about his day then he has to tell you his favourite thing?

Don't pressure him about homework but make it VERY clear you will not make excuses for him with his teacher.

I am no expert so may be talking rubbish, but I do have a bit of an eyore ds myself and it is very wearing.

womanwithvan Tue 24-Jun-14 13:53:15

I am not being dictated to by a 12 year old hence the constant moaning crying tantrums because he isn't getting his own way.

They would stop I am sure in an instant if I said no you don't have to go to school any more. I will home school you, but I know down the line he will not get into the school that starts in year 9 and has the emphasis on a particular course he wants to do then the moaning will start again. I think he knows what he wants but just does not want to do anything about getting it.

I just need someone to tell me what to say to him that would make him understand that what I am 'making" him do is for his own good and not because I am the worst mother in the world.

Last night I tried to explain it was like going on holiday to Barbados. If you You have to get out of bed at 3am, travel in the cold weather to the airport, wait around for several hours then sit in a flying tin box for several more hours and at the end you get a fantastic holiday.
That when you see a pop star on tv plucking away at his guitar and having heaps of fun bouncing around the stage what you don't see is the hours and hours of boring practice, the seedy clubs and pubs most of them have played in and the sheer amount of work that has gone into getting them to that stage.

lia66 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:57:39

You took him out of school after only one term because of his moaning.

IMO you just tell him, you're going to school, that's the end of it. We've chosen x school together and now you have to knuckle down and get on with it, all this swapping and changing must be very unsettling.

As the poster above said, let him sound off for half an hour then get on with the day.

mummytime Tue 24-Jun-14 13:58:31

Sorry the whole thing sounds insane.

Who at 7 knows what they want for the rest of their life? and sticks with it? What if DD changes her mind at 17? (A neighbour's son wanted to be an Actor from 2, he worked as one until 18, then changed and went to Uni. I think he is now a financial advisor.)

You have two children - they will be very different.

You allowed your DS to turn down two good schools he could have gone to, and instead sent him to the local Comp which you hadn't even looked at?
I allow my DC some say in secondary schools - but nothing like that. You were lucky to get him into the local comp.

You then took him out when he moaned? And HE'd him for 1 1/2 terms. But you don't have a plan to HE long term.

I think you need to become a parent. Decide which is the best school, and send him there. Stop listening to his moaning. Tell him this is it and he will have to make the best of the school he is at. Plenty of people don't go to the ideal school - but do fine! (Eg. Read Vera Britten Testament of Youth, or listen to Sandy Toksvig on her schooldays or...)

He needs to take responsibility for his own future. Either he works and gets good grades or he doesn't and has to get whatever job he can. Ultimately it is his choice, but you need to stop chopping and changing - or expecting him to map out his whole future.

womanwithvan Tue 24-Jun-14 14:05:23

DD is very single minded. She already holds down 3 part time jobs. Her only time off are Friday night and Sunday after 2.30pm.

Ds wants to work in the same industry as dd but in a different field altogether and he would be excellent at it as it really is his passion but trying to making him see that he needs to buckle down and do his best at school. I am not asking for straight As just that he is happy to go to school and he makes the most of opportunities when they are presented to him.

The school he goes to is not the most academic school but it excels in a particular field that is why we chose it and so far he has been more than capable of doing the homework.

gymboywalton Tue 24-Jun-14 14:09:17

he doesn't know what field he wants to work in-he's 12!

and they are different people!

let him be a kid for gods sake! if i was 12 and someone was saying to me that i needed to do x y and z so i could be ...an accountant or something then i would moan too! let him go and enjoy learning for the sake of learning with no pressure and stop comparing him to his sister!

JewelFairies Tue 24-Jun-14 14:10:01

I'm with the previous posters that you have to stop projecting from your dd to your ds or he will always feel the runt of the litter and in the shadow of his driven sister. Y

ou also have to start treating him as the child he is and not as an equal. He's going to school, end of story. No more shifting and changing because clearly that's already made him quite unhappy.

Please just let him be 12!
Blimey, I'm in my 40s and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Imagine planning out your life aged 7! shock It's admirable, but not normal child behaviour.

JewelFairies Tue 24-Jun-14 14:11:45

My 7 year old wants to be a face painter. I bloody hope she changes her mind as she grows up because I don't see much future or earning capacity in that...

Whereisegg Tue 24-Jun-14 14:12:08

Well he is moaning because it works.

He didn't want to do the extra stuff you organised (fine imo), moaned, it stopped.

Didn't want to go to either of 2 perfectly good schools, moaned, didn't have to go.

Went to comp and didn't like it, moaned, didn't have to go.

Now at another school, moaning, hasn't worked yet but he has no reason to think that it won't based on past experiences so continues to moan.

He has too much power.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 24-Jun-14 14:14:14

You've constantly given in to him in the past. He sounds a spoiled child. You need to get a Fri, pick the school YOU think is best and send him there. He's in for a shock when he realised the world doesn't revolve around him.

womanwithvan Tue 24-Jun-14 14:15:35

I took him out on my part because they were not doing anything. How would you feel about your child coming home after a term to find that the whole of the term had been taken with writing out the school rules and in maths they had only completed 1 page of an exercise book and that was the most they had done in any subject.

You can get places there because it is not that good. However it was where several of his primary school classmates went and I do know several of the girls and boys higher up the school who thought it was a great school. but they started under a previous HT.

Not too sure what is happening to it now.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 24-Jun-14 14:16:49

Fri = grip.

sunbathe Tue 24-Jun-14 14:18:06

Maybe you need to let him come in and vent and just let it wash over you. Perhaps with a non-committal 'oh well' thrown in.

Because if you're not changing his school again, that's all it is, a vent.

My kids know that I'll buy any school textbooks or equipment they need and they can download umpteen past papers and examiner's comments etc. But the bottom line is they have to do the homework and school work well.

Ultimately, the effort they make at school (or not) impacts on them and not me.

See, my dd has known what she wanted to do since aged 9 and now at 16 has worked very hard to get into the 6th form she wants, on the course that she wants, she has picked out her uni course etc etc

That is not usual. DS1 is 15 and has no clue what he wants to do.

you have turned down 2 perfectly good schools for no good reason, sent him to a comp that you knew nothing about, pulle dhim out of there, Home Ed for a bit, sent him back to school and now he wants what? Home Ed again?
Just pick a sodding school. Dont worry about his "chosen career"
Pick a school that suits the person he is, not the person you want him to be at some point in the future FFS

I took him out on my part because they were not doing anything. How would you feel about your child coming home after a term to find that the whole of the term had been taken with writing out the school rules and in maths they had only completed 1 page of an exercise book and that was the most they had done in any subject

I would think why on earth did I send my dc to a school I knew nothing about because an 11 year old decided not to go to 2 perfectly good schools tbh

Whereisegg Tue 24-Jun-14 14:22:39

If you are happy with the school he is in now then that's where he stays.

Tell him he has half an hour or whatever to moan, and breaches result in xyx.
If you don't want to take his ipad/xbox etc, get some earplugs.

womanwithvan Tue 24-Jun-14 14:24:39

I think I do listen to him much more than other parents. And I know it is probably guilt.
In year 1 I ignored him and sent him into school and didn't listen to his complaints about his teacher. I kept trying to appease him.
Another child and her mother came over one morning and the classmate told me what had been going on After a meeting with HT the teacher was sacked that day. After going through that experience I probably do listen to him more than other people

MissSmiley Tue 24-Jun-14 14:25:04

My son is nearly 12. He's going to the school we chose for him because we are his parents and he is too young to decide. He did v well and passed the exams for more than one secondary school but ultimately it is our decision.

There is no way I would respond to moaning. Surely you stamped that out when he was three with the message that moaning doesn't get you anywhere. It's hard work but my four year old already knows that she doesn't get her own way by moaning.

You have let him down I'm afraid.

CharmQuark Tue 24-Jun-14 14:25:47

It sounds as if there is an awful lot of pressure - planning out what you wnat to do aged 7, endless working towards it...you chop and change from one school to HOme Ed to the next school... I would guess he is ducking out in order to avoid the pressure.

lougle Tue 24-Jun-14 14:27:21

Why would he not get into his school of choice in year 9 if you HE him?

steppemum Tue 24-Jun-14 14:32:03

I think you have been lulled into a unrealistic expectations because your dd is so single minded.

Most kids of this age are not so good at working now to fulfill a distant career goal, beyond, does this school do 3 sciences.
I think the mistake was not sending him to one of the 2 schools he got into. At that point I would have said choose A or B, by Friday and that's it.

My ds starts year 7 in Sept. It is not his preferred school. It is OUR preferred school. His preferred school is local sink comp where his friends are going. We said no. We have offered him the option that if he really hates it, he can apply to another school (not local comp) in year 8. But I know that once he gets there, makes friends and settles he will be fine. I know that because I am an adult and he isn't.

I do not think that most 11 year olds can possibly see the bigger picture. Some can. But it is unusual. Parents need to make decisions. There is lots of room for option a or b, or listening to their desires and input, but parents have to have a lot of input with the long term big picture.

It sounds as if you are on the one hand expecting him to make the decisions, but on the other hand jumping in and not letting him get the consequences of those decisions.

he may change his mind completely about his chosen career.

Whereisegg Tue 24-Jun-14 14:32:28

woman that situation in y1 sounds extreme but don't let it rule your life any more.

You are a good parent, trust yourself.
As I said, if you have no concerns about his current school then he stays.

So the question is, do you have concerns about his current school?

Hakluyt Tue 24-Jun-14 14:33:26

What field of work are we talking about?

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