How involved are you with your Y7 and getting them to do homework or be organised.

[mamicar]

Year 7 boy. And I know people will say hes a boy its typically but DS1 seems to be taking his unorganised'ness (not even a word I know) to a whole new level.

Since sept hes lost

£40 pair of football boots
both his school jumpers
homework diary 4 times
whole pe kit
pe socks (replaced ones)
superdry coat
bus pass
kit bag
3 lots of stationary
ONE shoe lace x 3

I have a very strict homework and getting bags ready routine. I he does it. We check it. Somehow he has still forgotten/lost 9 pieces of homework since sept and forgets his homework diary at least once a week.

He has ADD. just reached the criteria for being diagnosed with it. He does have minimal support in school which I have pushed for.

Should I really be getting his bag ready every single night, or keep making him do it himself.

I have asked him to clean his room a lot this weekend. I've just gone in there and theres no bloody wonder he cant find anything. He hasn't cleaned it. Ive taken his xbox away numerous times and his phone. It has NO effect at all.

We have colour coded his timetable, printed it big, made lists with him. I just dont know what to do anymore. When I ask him why he doesn't seem to do these things asked of him he always says "i dunno" He's 11 years old. Am I expecting too much expecting him to get his own bag ready? I also asked him to put a sheet on his bed on Fri he still hasnt done it. He doesnt really have any chores to do apart from putting the dishes away every now and then.

We have a 6 year old with ADHD and other SN and a 2 year old going same way as 6 year old it seems. So we do have our hands full, plus im at college FT and DH works FT.

It's costing me a fortune. I've taken away pocket money when he loses things but it makes no sodding difference.

[Everhopeful]

Got be honest, he's making Y7 DD look good , so I feel for you as I'd thought I'd got problems! The fact that you've other SN kids won't be helping you cope with him much either. DD's also lost a ton of stuff this term, though some of it has "turned up" and she picked up a load of detentions for work not done and forgetting to bring things. I'm suspicious that she has a problem that the extra load at secondary is now revealing; I shared my suspicions at primary, but she scores well in tests, so they're not worried. I don't think she's going to continue to score as well though, so I am. Secondary school is watching her a bit, but mostly this seems to be resulting in more demands rather than less.

As a result, I've largely given up with the room thing, as I do think that some take to secondary school life easier than others and our kids don't seem to be picking it up as fast as some. It's a case of picking your battles (I've got to say that DH disagrees and reckons I should still pick her up on that. I do sometimes but, as she points out, if I don't go in her room, I won't see it. This is true, so I limit it to a major, joint, quarterly springclean I don't harangue her the whole time during this exercise. Not much I don't plus I do change her bedclothes) at the moment. As for chores, she just doesn't remember: she's not too bad about doing specific jobs when I order ask her to, especially if I point out the consequences of not doing it ("You don't want to dry up? Fine, that'll be no screen time then until you do"). I do have to be very specific all the time, as she doesn't tend to infer anything. The fact I've asked her to dry up once doesn't mean she would ever just come in and do it when I'm washing up.

I don't think taking pocket money away works as well as saying "you'll pay for the replacement", which she has had to do a couple of times so far. It's a much simpler message and she knows I can't easily afford all this. I've also told her that she'll just have to court pneumonia for her outdoor PE lesson (nobody will get sick in the short space of time they get, unless they're standing still the whole time. They aren't meant to do that anyway) until either a) she finds her sweatshirt or b) the secondhand stall turns up another. If neither works, then she'll pay half towards a new one. If she loses that one, she'll pay the whole cost of another. I did let her off with the first item to go missing, as most people get second chances and I saw no reason at the time not to let her have one.

We don't have a big problem with the bag as a rule, other than she leaves it really late and has meltdowns every time she can't find anything making bedtime even later - her room is dire to find anything in, so I've now taken the step of making her study downstairs where I can see her and then at least I know where she's put everything! The main problem is getting her to note down enough stuff in her homework diary so that I know when she's meant to get it done - I keep telling her she has to put in the DATES. Instead, I either get nothing, or a vague "Monday". Is it this Monday? No, Monday week. Oh. For this, I'm afraid I think it's better that she picks up a detention now and then. She'll listen to her teachers in a way that I don't think she'll listen to me and having both of us going on at her I think will eventually stop her listening to anyone. I'm supposed to be the one that has time to listen to her, which I don't really expect the teachers to have. I know she's taking it all very seriously (ok, not the room cleaning), even though the results are a bit crap. I wouldn't tend to worry too much unless it's still like this at Easter TBH. Annoying though!

Having said that, the one thing I boggled at a bit was that you risked a Superdry coat at school? I usually reckon mine takes practical but dull/super-cheap anything in just in case it gets lost or pinched. If he's status-conscious that way, then perhaps following the same principle might make him focus a bit harder...? Worth a shot. Good luck anyway

[2kidsintow]

I wasn't involved at all, apart from signing her planner and randomly asking 'have you got any homework?'.

To be fair, I've been lucky. Even in y3 and onwards, she was getting herself organised. I didn't have to remind her what day PE was or ask about homework. She often had already got it done by the time I collected her from the childminder. DD2 is shaping up in a similar fashion.

She is now in y8. Last year she lost 1 PE skirt and this year 1 pencil case. Nothing else.

[CointreauVersial]

DS needed a lot of support in Yr7, particularly around his homework, and taking the right books to school. I gradually eased off during Yr8, and now he's in Yr9 he pretty much fends for himself. That's not to say he doesn't lose things sometimes (brand new Nike trainers this term ) but usually he takes good care of his possessions.

DD1 never needed any help with planning, but she's a naturally more scatty person and lost a fair few things in Yr7. Now she's in Yr8 I have practically no input into her homework; it all gets done.

[steeking]

no input at all. Ds just gets on with things . he accuses me of being a helicopter parent if i check. he just lets me know the results pf his tests and assessments..

[Minime85]

most yr7 s are like that in one way or other. I think I would still help to organise in part to model the type of behaviour you expect but not organise it all. needs to learn how to do it and help himself a little too. have you spoken to his form tutor or head of year. they should also be able to help.

[Tuhlulah]

I am so pleased to find I am not alone. I feel constantly annoyed, and am often grumpy and not as nice and cuddly as I used to be.

Re the room, Mami, I know you and DH are both terribly busy and that you shouldn't have to, but if you don't help him clean up his room, how can he ever find anything? Asking an 11 or 12 year old to do it is pointless (in my experience anyway). They don't have a clue. And I understand this, as sometimes I go into DS's room which I have sometimes spent half a bloody day tidying, to find it so untidy again I feel almost paralysed, overwhelmed by it all. My poor DH has OCD (mildly) and is always tidying, and he finds it stressful going in there. So we tidy it together. If we didn't (to make a point, or just because we KNOW we shouldn't have to) it would get worse and worse.

I think you have done as much as you can to help him, by giving him small things to be responsible for, like getting his bag ready for the next day. You have a homework timetable. We do too and we make sure DS always does some homework (Friday evenings excepted). But it's still a struggle. So maybe if your DS is responsible for his bag next day, and you make sure he has an organised routine for homework, plus the PE bag. I know it's a lot of work for you, but maybe we have to take every child on it's ability. Some children are really well organised and tidy. Yours and mine are not. If we don't help, it will get worse and stress builds up. We cannot judge our children by other people's children. If our children are not yet ready to be responsible for organising themselves yet, we have to help them until they are, even if this means tidying rooms (with them helping too, so they can see what they have to do). Clearly, some children are slower than others. Yours and mine are slower, but hopefully will get better as time goes on. Unfortunately we are not going to speed up this process by not helping them, or getting cross (note to self). So maybe he can be responsible for his bag and homework but for now you have to oversee it. This will help him and I do not believe it will result in learned dependence. After all, at 11 and 12 they are still only just learning the things we have been doing for years.

For the record, my DS lost his PE kit week before last. Left it on the school bus and we spent the weekend trying to track it down from bus depot to lost property to school. Turns out his friend picked it up and took it home thinking it was his (his is gone for good, who know where). This week I find my DS has brought home a girl's kit. (The bags are identical.) I text her mother to let her know, and she texts me to confirm she doesn't have my DS's kit -which, it transpires, is still at school where he left it. Oh, and Friday night he comes home, takes off shoes and say, 'Oh, where did my shoe lace go, I thought my shoes felt loose.' How can you lose a shoe lace and not notice?

I agree totally with Everhopeful, you have to pick your battles. My DH thinks you have to fight every one, but I disagree. Otherwise it becomes a battlefield every day, and I am finding this bloody puberty thing hard enough as it is.

[SonorousBip]

I was just about to start a thread exactly along those lines. My DS has just started at secondary in Y7.

So far we seem to be down - 3 shoes; one performance top, a tie and possibly a pair of trousers. I suspect some or all of those will turn up but we need to do some emergency shoe buying today. DS has gone in in some mid brown ankle boots - it was those or trainers - and I suspect will get a uniform slip or whatever. He is very upset.

I think we have had to accept that he simply cannot organise himself as well as we expect him to and therefore we need to help him develop the skills to do so. His younger sister can sort herself out with minimal supervision, but DS just can't. And I don't think its because he doesn't want to - well, I don't think he cares v much about the state of his room or other stuff - but I think he really wants to have everything right. but, at the moment, he just cannot do it. We also had an issue at parents' evening last week where it was clear that hais homework was all getting a bit out of kilter, and have spent most of this weekend clearing the decks/catching up. DH and I have accepted that we are going to have to give him the structures to do this, and try and stricke the balance between micro-managing him and making ure he has all the right stuff.

Interestingly as someone else has said, we think DS may have some v minor problems with sequencing or something, which we mentioned at primary school, but he was performing fine in tests etc and they weren't really that fussed. He passed exams to a good selective school, so is clearly bright, but I think if he cannot sort himself out better he is really going to flounder.

Poor little thing. He has a "bad tummy ache" this morning which I suspect is linked to general unhappiness about not being on top of things. I liked the post upthread from the person whose child got more into the swing of it in Y9 - I'm holding out for that.

[SonorousBip]

Sorry - that became all about me! I meant also to say a heartfelt "I know" to others on the thread with similar issues (particularly to the shoutyness, which I am really trying to rein in but its pretty hard when your child comes back with only 1 sock on).

[Tuhlulah]

Yeah, I am trying not to be shout. But it is hard when you are exasperated. I have found this thread really useful, because at least I can see I am not the only one who is experiencing this.

Is it just boys?

[SonorousBip]

On a wholly unscientific poll of "people I know" it does seem to be (predominantly) a boy thing.

I'm wondering whether DS has got any actual difficulties or is just somehow at the "extreme boy end" of normal. My hunch is that its the latter, ATM, not that it helps much, or makes shoes reappear.

Agreed re shared pain etc. Good luck

[Tuhlulah]

Mami, you say the punishments don't work, but what about rewards, like we used to do when they were small? Is there something he wants that he could earn over a period of time. Rewards could be like gold stars (yeah, I know how well they will be received, BUT actually DS's school works very much on a rewards system with merits being given, so maybe this might work). Gold star for doing things you want him to do, like getting school bags ready, getting homework sorted out, coming home with proper PE kit, doing well in a subject, making his own bed, (although I think tidying the whole room might be going a bit far). Small manageable tasks. Apparently a habit is acquired after about 30 times of doing the activity.

Then at least you aren't punishing him for things he probably can't help, like being so dozy he comes home with no shoes laces! It might also work for you, psychologically, if you think he is making an effort.

[breadandbutterfly]

OP - maybe buy your ds cheaper stuff until he's got the hang of not losing things? Less Superdry, more Primark...

Your list made me wince...

My yr 7 dd has mislaid jumpers but they seem to have turned up, got homework done with a little light reminding but that's it... If she lost important stuff, it would be Primark all the way...

Tip I've found useful in organising dcs starting secondary is to get one big plastic box to live in the hall (or bedroom or wherever they dump their stuff), to put in anything they or you find lying around the house that is school related - then whatever they want is usually 'in the box'.

Agree with poster above that you/they need to tidy his room - you'll probably find half the missing stuff in there :)

But I think you do need to hand over responsibility - without meaning to, you're sending him the message that 'he can't cope on his own'.

When he needs to learn to do this - he can and should learn, and in the long run you're not actually doing him any favours by taking on all the responsibility/effort for him. Of course he's not going to bother to focus on organising himself - as you've made it clear 1. he can't do it and 2. you'll do it for him.

[mamicar]

thank you all I typed this and then got carried away with my own homework

superdry coat was an eBay bargain no way would I send a full price one in.

he has another superdry coat now which has been in lost property in school for three years with no name on it. lost property receptionist gave it to me

regarding primark n cheap comments with his actual uniform it all has to be badged and it only sold at the school at extortionate prices . football boots turned up 4 weeks later. it was the shoe lace thing that baffled me the most. how can you not notice? but seems we aren't alone which is good to know.

I am very ott with routines n being organised so I Don't think its helping NY frustration. judging by the replies on this thread I think I need to chill out a bit n help him more with his bags. I'm not sure how. short of doing it for him!

ds does have some auditory processing disorder. diagnosed in primary. I do help him a lot. I made it sound like I don't but usually he "tidies" his room and I finish it with him. first time if asked him to put a sheet on. normally we do it for him.

[lljkk]

I think ADD makes a huge difference, I would cut my 11yo with ADD a huge amount of slack.

DS-y9, no ADD, he keeps all notebooks books in his school rucksack at all time. Plenty of detentions for not done HWork. Organisation skills of a gnat.

DD is in y7 & completely self-sufficient 98% of the time.

I suggest:

• Is everything named? Losing so much with names plastered on it (should be) is odd.
  
  
• Cheap pack-a-mac, no super dry.
  
  
• Sympathies on the PE kit; Only send in the PE kit they need that week/season. DS trackies & PE jumpers only went in his PE bag on 4 November. His PE shoes are from ShoeZone and he doesnt have studs at all (can easily get by without). To minimise losses I did sew name labels on outside of clothes but this caused shrieking revolt [peeved face]
  
  
• Bus pass; must live in zip up blazer pocket at all times, drill on this.
  
  
• Planner: 4 losses is impressive. Is his name on it? They only cost £1.50 to replace at our school, thankfully.
  
  
• What stationary? Mine has 2 pens from a 5-pack in pound land & a 27p protractor.
  
  How does he lose shoe laces?! That's impressive.
  
  I think you have to handhold a bit more to drill his habits in about what to do & how to do it. Daily. For next many months.

[lljkk]

ps: what about lock laces for PE shoes if that's where laces have gone missing? DS has slip on shoes for school, so no laces to lose.

[mamicar]

his actual school shoes laces . he is VERY good at losing things!

PE kit goes in the day he had it only.

he only gets the bus home Tues wed and fri, never to school and I pick him up on the other days as he either has after school club or I'm there replacing uniform anyway! but is kept I'm his zip pocket in bag (no blazer)

in all fairness he did wear a PAC a Mac until jumpers where lost then he needed the thicker coat as its quite cold. haven't been able to replace jumpers yet but will be this Thurs coming.

Grateful he doesn't have to wear a tie or have an instrument to lose!

[mamicar]

everything has his name on several times. and his form class too.

[mamicar]

I haven't actually had to replace his homework diary yet. it has turned up usually a week later handed to hia head of year. the receptionist who deals with lost property already knows him and me by first name.

[iheartdusty]

Not just boys.

DD was always super-organised at primary and very conscientious.

Yr 7 has just knocked her for six, with all the changes and instructions, plus the far more important business of keeping up with her messaging and snapchat and Instagram and Kick etc etc etc.

She packs her bags after I have asked her three times and shouted a little bit.
Room would be a waist high tip except that we are decorating so I have been keeping it clear for her.

Lost so far: 1 pair of named indoor trainers, 1 named jumper, 1 named PE shirt, 1 named ipod shuffle , 1 library book, 1 pair of gloves. The trainers did turn up in the 'spares' box.

I insist that she does homework at particular times, but it is up to her to organise what she's doing. She does tell me and I sneak a look at her school ipad so I do have an idea what she's been set.

[mybeautifullife]

Have a yr 7 ds. I help him pack his books sometimes if he is tired as he has a v long day, but he gets his own homework out, does it and files it. We provided him with the file and a bit of advice at the start though and sorted his pencil case out with him.
He hasn't lost anything or forgotten anything. We cast our eyes over his sports bag and book bag and check he has hung up his uniform .

I wouldn't force him to do everything himself , i would say ds is quite organised and older in the year but we still help him and I would keep it low key. We get up at six 15 and he is sweet and lovely.

I am not sure how long this will last .