Right to advise yr 7 dd to speak to tutor? (teachers opinions esp welcome!) - sorry, long

(23 Posts)
Takver Fri 11-Oct-13 18:35:24

Just thought I should report back (always annoys me when you don't find out what happened grin )

DD did speak to tutor, and fingers crossed no problems since at all with this boy.

QueenOfToast Tue 17-Sep-13 15:17:49

Sorry, just realised that my reply has turned into a bit of a long confessional about my experiences. Don't read past paragraph one if you don't like misery memoirs ...

I think your DD should definitely be encouraged to speak to her tutor about it. Regardless of whether she can be perceived as over-reacting or not, his actions are making her unhappy and might stop her from participating in clubs or activities that she would otherwise enjoy.

FWIW, I experienced something very similar when I was at secondary school, everyone minimised it and said that it was because the boy had a crush on me and I should try to be nice to him hmm. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to have a proper relationship with a girl and his idea of showing his affection tended towards the bullying end of the spectrum. When we were in Year 10 (after 3 years of this low level bullying behaviour) he asked me to go out with him and when I refused he punched me in the face! I fought back pretty ferociously which wasn't what he was expecting and he left me alone after that. Interestingly, even after my black eye and split lip, the school and my parents still did nothing about it (this happened in the grim old 80s).

When I was older I learnt from other families that lived close to him that there had been a lot of domestic violence in his family as he was growing up so I guess this could be an explanation of why he behaved like that.

Good luck to your DD, she definitely has my sympathy cake brew

HavantGuard Tue 17-Sep-13 11:05:59

I think you're seriously minimising this. The boy kept harassing her about this and got other boys involved to the extent that she quit going to Sea Cadets? Now he's doing it to her at school? He's keeping it up even when she's wearing contacts? It's bullying.

JustBecauseICan Tue 17-Sep-13 11:03:52

As someone who was called names until the age of 17 for having glasses I can say without a doubt this is not low level.

I am 48 and still only wear glasses if I'm in the house on my own and can't look at myself in the mirror when wearing them.

ashleysilver Tue 17-Sep-13 11:01:43

If it were my dd, I would send an email to the tutor, just to let her know what you know, so she can at least keep an eye on things.

IMO it's not so minor if the boy has been behaving this way and upsetting dd over a period of time (months? years?) and his behaviour led to her giving up Sea Cadets.

Hopefully, dd will speak to the tutor and be reassured.

tiredaftertwo Tue 17-Sep-13 10:57:12

..at the beginning while everyone's settling in, no question is too small

Thank you to OnlyOwl and all other year 7 tutors who have such a kind and sensible attitude. Parent of older dc here, and I know what a difference it makes.

I agree entirely that children often cannot deal with this themselves - what exactly can they do other than ignore, and that may goad the the other child into escalation? Any other action can be misinterpreted. If someone was teasing you at work, you would expect the organisation to sort it out.

Takver Tue 17-Sep-13 10:47:18

mummytime, I do take your point, will see how it goes & do something if she doesn't get anywhere herself.

mummytime Belgium Tue 17-Sep-13 10:35:27

Takver - that is the ideal, but sometimes if you are being bullied that can make you feel unable to speak out for yourself. Your DD is only 11! Just read some of the DV threads to realise how a bully can destroy self-esteem.
Peer pressure can be very strong at this age.

I also realise how little my mother knew about what was really happening when I was at school (and she would have been horrified if she had known the half of it). If your DD tells you that is a cry for help.

DeWe Tue 17-Sep-13 10:06:56

I think it's worth her talking to the teacher about it.

If nothing else if she suddenly flips at him, then they will have records that she has complained before rather than it sounding like an excuse after the event.

Takver Tue 17-Sep-13 08:48:43

Ideally I'd rather not get involved myself - my feeling is that in secondary they should be sorting these minor things out themselves, no? I don't mean between the pupils entirely, but seeking out help for themselves.

Fingers crossed everything otherwise is going well for dd, so I'd definitely rather stay out of school matters unless there are serious problems.

This is not a minor problem. Its making her unhappy about school, behave out of character and kick him and damn distracting. Def speak with teacher.

Call and ask for an appointment, take with you the story in brief written out and think about what you want to happen. Request that boy keeps his comments to himself? Personally I would suggest that if it has;t stopped by say half term you meet again.

There are two kids involved here. The boy needs to have help improving his behaviour BEFORE it escalates.

Teachers do not see everything and I appreciate it when parents come in to inform and support. Agree about crush...but even so....

Had similar with my dd, only aged 5 last year..... I went in and said I wanted help to nip it in the bud. I said I wanted dd to stop coming home upset etc but certain date and if not may i come in again. They were great, kept an eye, encouraged her to keep away and helped the other kids etc.

ExBrightonBell Mon 16-Sep-13 23:38:35

Er, good natured, pixie? Really? Someone going on at her all day about her personal appearance, causing her to eventually lash out? If she had been seen kicking the boy she could have got herself into a fair bit of trouble. I think OnlyOwl has got it about right and given some excellent advice.

pixiepotter Mon 16-Sep-13 23:10:51

I THINK IF THIS IS NOT DISTRESSING (BUT MERELY ANNOYING YOUR DD) she should deal with it herself.It soundsfairly good natured at the moment and 'grassing' to the teacher might will turn things malicious.

mummytime Belgium Mon 16-Sep-13 22:53:00

If your DD won't mention it, then I would suggest you tell the HOY. In my experience when they come down hard and sharp on things like this it stops ongoing bullying (and is the best thing for both individuals).

Takver Mon 16-Sep-13 22:27:57

Thank you, OnlyOwl. I'll remind dd tomorrow & hopefully she will speak to her tutor. I'm sure the boy concerned doesn't mean any harm and probably thinks he's being funny, esp as dd does tend to rise to the bait very easily - hence my main worry being dd really losing her temper & then getting in big trouble.

OnlyOwl Mon 16-Sep-13 22:14:41

Y7 form tutor here - she should definitely tell the form tutor, not a second's hesitation. This is not just nasty, but totally unnecessary and I'd definitely want to know so I could nip it in the bud. It isn't the kind of thing she should have to deal with alone, and if he's been doing it for some time, she quite probably can't stop him anyway.

Especially in these early days, I would definitely want any of my form to come to me with anything they were at all worried about. If it's something they need to sort out, I can steer them in the right direction themselves, but either way I'd still rather know that have a worried or anxious child and be in the dark about why. I'm also not worried about parents emailing me with concerns - obviously I'd rather not receive questions about which pen to use for homework when a child's in Y9(!), but at the beginning while everyone's settling in, no question is too small.

Takver Mon 16-Sep-13 21:28:20

Thank you for the teachers' perspective. I think documented back story is definitely what is needed if nothing else. (Obviously I have reinforced to dd that getting in trouble at secondary is going to be a Very Bad Thing and she needs to stay calm, and fingers crossed she'll hang in there, but just in case.)

GeorgeClooney, I did suggest that, but dd is pretty sure not - there is an older boy on the bus she knew back in primary who does the 'thumping / hassling / generally being annoying because I like you' thing so dd has some experience of it, and is moderately irritated but also a bit flattered grin

Ilovegeorgeclooney Mon 16-Sep-13 21:15:54

Sounds like this young man has a crush. Speak to the tutor but also explain to your daughter that sadly this is a common way for boys who like them to behave!

neontetra Mon 16-Sep-13 21:14:49

Definitely mention (teacher's perspective). It may be low level, but it still isn't on. And it is sad that he has already driven her out of one activity.

ExBrightonBell Mon 16-Sep-13 21:10:08

It's worth mentioning to the form tutor as they should be watching out for how the new year 7s are settling in. Any info like this is worth knowing about, and the form tutor can check with HoY whether this boy is known for doing this etc. I'm a secondary teacher and a form tutor and would be glad to be told rather than be unaware. Certainly if your dd was to react badly there would at least be a documented back story to it rather than it seeming to be out of the blue.

Takver Mon 16-Sep-13 21:03:43

OK, glad to get another perspective. I think it is very much low level - so irritating rather than anything more - its only ever been name calling no hitting or anything. Good that you think the form tutor won't think it too trivial.

pointythings Netherlands Mon 16-Sep-13 20:56:37

I think this is bullying, and form tutors are supposed to be first port of call for bullying. At the very least the form tutor should be able to suggest some strategies for your DD to use, and I think pre-warning is also a good idea.

Takver Mon 16-Sep-13 20:50:51

DD's generally getting on very well at secondary, seems to have made some new friends & enjoying the lesson. But . . . it seems like one boy has been teasing her pretty persistently, mainly about wearing glasses but also other stuff.

Today she came home quite upset - she'd been wearing her contact lenses (which she does sometimes) and apparantly he went on about it all day, endless comments like 'X where are your glasses', 'X you've lost your glasses'. Eventually she got cross and kicked him, then spent the rest of the day feeling guilty. (Quite rightly, of course!)

The same boy used to behave similarly when she went to Sea Cadets, and egg on the other boys there to do the same to the extent that she gave up going.

It isn't really a big deal at school in the same way, I think, on the whole as she has some good friends there which balances it out more. But, I've suggested that she really ought to seek out her form tutor and talk to her about this problem. DD definitely has form for responding to teasing and often seriously over-reacting, and I worry that eventually she will really lose the plot with this boy and then get in big trouble.

My question - is this the wrong advice - will form tutor be annoyed at being hassled with this kind of minor problem? I don't know to what extent at secondary they're meant to be able to sort this stuff out themselves. But on the other hand maybe if tutor is 'pre-warned' then dd might get a bit more of a hearing if teasing boy winds her up too successfully one time?

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