Why are some girls so nasty?

[sandyballs]

Mufti today and DD text me to say she got off the bus and a so called friend said "why the fuck would you dare to wear that outfit out".

DD is having a bit of a confidence crisis at the moment, she's shot up in height and is going through an awkward phase. This is year 7.

[NobodyPutsTomArcherInTheCorner]

Horrible. What can you say..I just don't know what goes through their minds some of them?

I'm seeing a side to some of dd's 'friends' - old friends who I thought I knew well and were lovely - that has disappointed me really regarding this sort of thing.

Dd was off sick the other day. It happened to be her bf's birthday. She'd already given her nice presents and spent time with her. But on the actual birthday dd happened to be unwell and I kept her home from school. It's only about the second day off sick she's ever had I think.

The bf was so peeved about this she really made dd feel like complete shit for daring not to be at school that day to help her feel special.

She sulked and moaned about it and generally went on and on at dd because she'd had the nerve to be ill. Not a word of hope you're feeling better. This is aged 14 too. Little madam

[GraduallyGoingInsane]

Year 7 and 8 are the worst! I know that everyone says 13+ teenage years are dreadful, but honestly, 11 and 12 are worse. And I have a DD who just ended Year 8, so I'm not biased.

My 3 eldest DDs (just finished Years 8, 10 and 12) all found the first couple of years of secondary the worst, most bitchy years. Try to ride it out, it does get easier and people start seeing the bitchy girls for what they are.

Hugs to your DD.

[NoComet]

Yes, Yes to Y7-Y8 being the worse for petty unthinking nastiness.

DD1 says she got loads of stupidity in Y7-Y8 and far less in Y9 and less still in Y10.

This is exactly what I found, 30 years ago, too.

I think in the Y7&8 DCs are petrified of not making friends and not appearing cool. They use any excuse to put other DCs down to get up the ladder and bolster their confidence. Just as at primary certain DCs find themselves at the very bottom of this heap with lots of catty comments coming their way. The difference is the nastiness is all underhand and much harder for the teachers to do anything about).

As children get older, and are firmly set into groups that do several subjects together, they begin to see each other more as people. DD1 and I may be quirky and a bit different, but we are good scientists and passable mathematicians. DD1 is no fool at IT and music softwesr too. We can be useful!

Also children come to realise that being friendly with those of us who can't be arsed with the point scoring can be quite restful. Two of my BFs knew they could have chatter to me and I was not going to repeat everything they said to anyone else.

[Copthallresident]

It only takes a couple of these madams to take hold of the group norms and it all becomes very exclusive and bitchy. DD1 was in a lovely year, different friendship groups formed but they all respected each other, it was OK to be different, very little bitching. DD2s year had a few very nasty pieces of work (but with very sad back stories) who were driven to manipulate, exclude and attention seek to build up their own self esteem. Year 7and8 were all about building themselves up as top dogs, dividing and conquering as they went, years 9,10,11 it has gone from bad to worse, and sex drugs and rock n roll. They are the sort of girls with 1000 "friends" on Facebook, with pages that look like soft porn, BUT the rest of the girls have grown up and seen through them, and they have lost the power they exerted in the younger years. And they helped drive a third of the year to other schools for sixth form.

I helped DD2 cope by pointing out that they would not behave like this if they were as confident and secure as they appear, and that underneath they are unhappy and insecure. They do it to gain a reaction and to build themselves up at your expense. The skills that make them top dogs at school will only work in real life if they end up in a woman's prison. Ignore them and stick with girls you feel comfortable with and who share you values, especially in terms of caring and having some empathy. They finally managed to bond as a friendship group in spite of the constant manipulation and will be her lifelong friends. Ironically the cool girls often confided their horrendous home stories to DD because they knew they could trust her not to use it against them. It is actually very sad.

[Lfs2126]

feel for you I'll bet your dd has model looks which has annoyed some little troll. download a copy of 'pretty in pink' for her to watch .

[Lfs2126]

oops sorry! just checked , its a 15.apologies

[lottieandmia]

your poor dd - and this girl is supposed to be a friend??

[sandyballs]

Thanks all, some great advice on here. Shame it seems to be so common. Had a long chat with DD last night about avoiding these types of 'friend'. Glad it's now school hols and they'll be a break from all of this.

[mumofthemonsters808]

No advice but just wanted to say I'm sorry your daughter is experiencing such horribleness from her so called friend.

[Needmoresleep]

The advice we got was that it would all calm down by the end of Year 8, and it did.

By then, and assuming the school is reasonably large, they will have sorted out their friendship groups and also start building different networks, eg they know some girls who are not in their core friendship group simply because they are on the same hockey team, learn Spanish, are in the top maths set, or play in the orchestra together.

One revelation for my daughter was that not all "popular girls" like each other. In Yrs 7 & 8 they can appear from the outside as a bonded group, but she has since found some to be lovely, outward facing and friendly, whilst others really, as Copthall suggests, have quite difficult home lives and quite angular personalities.

Advice:

1. Speak to the school. If they are rearranging classes at the end of Yr 8, it is useful for them to know that there are some girls who your daughter would like to avoid. You also get their take on things. Most schools I expect will have Head of Years in place who are only too aware of the issues.
   
2. Try to get your daughter active in as many things as possible, both inside and outside school. Access to alternative friendship groups is important. Most of it is about self esteem. If others are undermining hers to build up their own, then good that she has alternatives. DD used out of school friends to compare notes on the common issues they faced.
   
3. Talk it through with your daughter regularly. Explain why she is luckier than some of the more troubled girls, even if they are coming across as the coolest. We even went through DDs facebook (not something I would do after the age of 13, but the deal was I let her sign on early on condition that I was able to monitor, and when things were worst there were a couple of cyber-bullying type things I am glad I spotted) and discussed how some of these girls seemed to be promoting their busy and popular lives when in reality they were in their bedrooms faffing around with their computers.
   
4. Your daughter may do better by simply remaining true to herself and if people are being unreasonable staying out of it. You don't normally earn respect simply by confirming. These two years seem to be about developing resilience and maturity....the hard way.
   

Two years later my daughter gets on fine with some of her earlier protagonists, though in practice they don't have much in common. Others are more generally recognised as difficult and so no longer wield the power they once had.

[treas]

Sound like the other girl is jealous of your daughter's growth spurt and development.

I have a lanky dd with ginger hair who has had unnecessary comments made about her red hair - usually something dim like "Err, you've got red hair!".

In the past she has slow hand clapped the person or turned round and said "Are you after the award for stating the bloom'n obvious".

She has the confidence to stand up to others because she is well aware that the other person is usually jealous and feeling inferior.

[pointythings]

Yr7 are awful. DD1 has some utter little bitches in her year. Fortunately she has a close group of about 8 other girls around her who are all similar - a bit geeky, high achieving academically, not interested in boys or fashion - and that insulates her a bit. But the nasty ones still try it on.

[bigTillyMint]

Y7 and 8 were fine AFAIK for DD , but towards the end of Y9 there has been a deal of bitchiness/nastiness from girls in her year-group. I am praying things will have moved on in Y10.

[pinkhorace]

Green Eyes an Monsters come to mind........... Oh and Karma

[bevelino]

Friendship issues tend to improve dramatically in year 10 as girls mature. I am very impressed with my dd's friends who support each other with school work and all the teenage dramas. At weekends a general invitation to meet up is sent to every body and no one feels left out.

[sandyballs]

DD is away for a week with this girl, amongst others. Just hope she doesn't spend the week being nasty and unkind. The person in charge said she'd be onto them immediately if she heard any unpleasantness and would send girls home who were persistently unkind.

[cls77]

Oh crap! My DD starts year 7 in September. Ive been trying to teach her this holiday about letting things "go over her head" especially when she knows someone is lying through their teeth about their lives (to score points I expect) she is a mix of outspoken at times and extremely shy and introverted at others, I hope and pray she doesnt fall into a bad Year as its already been really crap for her (marriage breakdown, house and primary school move all in the past 12 months)
Any advice?!!!

[user1476662705]

Any advice welcome please!
My DD 'dropped' like a stone from her peer group in yr 10 (she was with from yr 7). My DD was thriving at the start of yr 10 and very happy and confident. One of my DD's closest friends, who she shared everything with ignored her and then dd ignored, excluded, left out of weekend meet ups and parties. My DD tired to forge friendships with others in yr 10 and was called a 'scrape'. Her confidence hit an all time low, she became quiet and withdrawn, was bullied by girls she later discovered were her 'peer group friends' and they used ask.fm anonymously and one said 'kill yourself'. My DD was suicidal and put on medication. School was rubbish; Head told me he was very sorry they hadn't intervened sooner!!
The spillover is social media..my DD lives in fear of repercussions if I now lodge an official bullying complaint.
One girl told her lots of 'things' that the other girls had said which has just served to upset DD. How nice to know your daughter's school friends say things like "we didn't like her anyway especially since she became boring and depressed"
.....and I'd love to talk to the parents but having read this website's history of doing that I'm thinking its not a good idea.

Kids need to be taught kindness....something one really values with age.

[MyNightWithMaud]

Your poor girl.

I think the old friends are a lost cause - it'll be very hard to rebuild those friendships (and does your daughter even want to?) - so it's about finding new friends or bolstering other, existing friendships. Does she have other circles of friends outside school or in extra-curricular activities?

I can understand your daughter's concerns about making a complaint but I think you at least need to speak to the school's pastoral care team about the extent of online abuse - your daughter is probably not the only one suffering.

[SallyMcgally]

I think I'd approach the school with evidence of the online abuse, give them one chance and one chance only, and then go to the police. What these kids are doing is illegal, and they can, and should be, charged under the Malicious Communications Act. Your poor DD. The school should have strategies to deal with bullying without creating repercussions for your daughter. In my experience a good Head of Year is much much better than Behaviour Unit, which is staffed by utterly useless and destructive individuals in DS's school.
Another thing I would do is phone Kidscape for advice - they are really really supportive. And keep posting - so many of us have been in similar positions, and it feels so isolating and miserable dealing with this on your own.
Completely agree with you about kindness - here's a link to a thread I started on a similar subject:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2695326-to-want-to-send-an-anonymous-letter-to-everyone-in-my-childs-year

[NotYoda]

No advice, but my theory is that modern media encourages people to "speak their mind", and "give advice" to a cruel degree. Think of programmes that appeal to teens: X-factor, Made in Essex etc, Jeremy Kyle . Add to this their own massive insecurities, massive pressure to conform to a particular way of looking, and the fact that social media makes it easy to normalise saying things without thinking, and there you have it. We are fucking them up

[NotYoda]

... I am not saying this, BTW to imply that all, or most girls (or boys) are like this. But the unhappy ones, the ones with little guidance are more likely to