Bullies :(

[kid]

Does anyone have any suggestions which could help DD at school?
She was recently bullied by a group of girls and kept it to herself for a couple of weeks. Nothing physical, just verbal abuse but then threats started to be made which is when she told me.
I discussed it with her and she wanted me to speak to the deputy head. I phoned the school, explained the situation and they promised to deal with it the next morning.

True to their word, they dealt with it and as a result, 4 girls were excluded. The deputy assured me that he would keep an eye on dd and monitor the situation closely.

All of the girls are now back at school and on the first day, they let loads of other people know dd got them excluded because she 'snitched' on them. They posted it on fb and I was sneaky clever enough to make a copy before they deleted it. I've told dd they got themselves excluded for being bullies but if they want to get technical about it, I got them excluded because I phoned the school and sent a copy of the threats to the teacher.

The girls are encouraging others to ignore dd at school. As a result, she is left with no-one to talk to or hang around with at break times. I suggested to DD that she should speak to deputy again to let him know how she is feeling. She approached him today to explain and he has told her she should try and stay out of the other girls way. I don't know what to do to help dd. She is very sad about it and I am upset for her but don't know what to do or say.

She will be leaving the school in July as we are moving but I can't not do anything as thats months away. I don't know if there is anything I can do, but I just feel that I should try.

Its parents evening this week, I don't actually want to go now but I know I should.
Can anyone offer me any advice? Or even just reassure me (and dd) that this will pass. She is finding it very hard and doesnt want to go to school.

[fivecupsoftea]

Hi,

I'm sorry your daughter is being bullied, it sounds an awful situation. I don't think that the deputy head's response is enough. I would suggest you go in again and talk. The deputy head should talk to the perpetrators again about their unacceptable behaviour. Maybe they can identify buddies for your daughter who can support her. If the deputy head does not rise to the occasion I would go to the governers.

[kid]

thanks. its parents evening tomorrow night and I'll definitely be raising it again. hopefully the bullies will be there with their parents and I'm happy to name and shame if I have to.

dd had a better day today. she spent lunchtime on her own in the library. its the first time she's had lunch this week. at least she wasn't out in the cold.

[Talkinpeace]

Girls secondary schools can be hellish places
I know
I was the psycho bully
I look back and pity the teachers and all the girls younger than us
BUT
my experience helped me help my DD when she got bullied.

NB : what follows is about girl on girl needling bullying : NOT boy style punches

Bullies pick on other people to make themselves feel better.
Secure happy people do not bully.
So something in your DDs life is making them jealous and they feel the need to put her down about it.
The fact that you buy her ribbons for her hair, or collect her for after school activities is more than enough in their eyes.

Once your DD realises that they are bullying her because deep down they are jealous of her, the whole thing shrivels away.
They will probably pick on somebody else instead, but TBH that is not your problem.

PS I stopped bullying when my lovely Deputy Head pulled me aside and discussed the issues with me in confidence : exclusion was not an option - fee paying school.

[Phoebe47]

The deputy head has shirked his responsibilities. It is not down to your dd to keep out of the bullies way. He should be dealing with the bullies and making it clear to others that they are behaving unacceptably. Hope you got some support at parents evening.

[kid]

The deputy is going to have a word with individuals about the continued behaviour. I saw 3 of the bullies there tonight with their parents. All of the kids seemed to stay out of our way and wouldn't look in our direction. I was willing them to make eye contact, but they wouldn't.

I was so annoyed with one of the parents (her dd seems to be the ringleader). She was in front of us in the line to see a teacher and the mum was staring at us. I'll admit that I was staring back at her too. Then she started talking in Turkish while still staring in my face. I wish I could understand what she was saying or that she'd had the guts to say whatever she had to say to me.

I told the deputy that dd isn't eating at school as she doesn't want to sit in the dinner hall by herself, he just sort of said 'awww' and that was it. I don't know what I expect them to do, but 'awwww' isn't going to change things. Dd is buying lunch and then eating it when she gets home. Then she isn't hungry at dinner time so isn't eating her dinner.

She is a bit happier during the school day, compared to Monday, but its still not perfect. I also told the deputy about more messages which had appeared on fb naming dd as a snitch. The girl had since deleted the messages so she knew it was wrong to post them, but that I'd made a copy before she deleted them. The deputy asked for a copy as he would exclude her for another 2 days, but I said no as it clearly isn't going to help dd.

[Talkinpeace]

kid
Girls want to fit in.
If the bully is Turkish (or even half Turkish) and her parents want her to be Turkish and she wants to be English - you can see where it slots into the scenario I quoted above.
The school HAVE to up their game. But you can support your DD to rise above it.
Feel free to copy and paste my earlier post into notepad so your DD can see it - and discuss it with her good friends or even a trusted teacher.
And then start leaning on the school - email and screenshots are good

[kid]

I don't want to hand the messages over to the school as all that will happen is the girl will get excluded, dd will be ignored for longer and the school will just shrug their shoulders and say poor dd, stay out of their way, I'm sorry you aren't brave enough to sit in the dinner hall by yourself so are going hungry instead....

I explained to dd earlier how bullies choose their targets through jealousy. That if they see someone who is happier/prettier/kinder etc than they are, they are unhappy about it so do whatever they can to make that person unhappy.

On our way to parents evening, she didn't want to walk a certain way to the school because they would be going that way too of course we still went that way.

I will show dd your message and let you know if she has any questions if that's ok?

[Talkinpeace]

Kid
Of course
And feel free to do it by PM. Once there are not lurkers reading its easier to be candid (both me and you)