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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Secondary education

How do I progress with 'cruising' yr 10?

17 replies

mayaswell · 26/04/2012 14:04

DS is 15, becoming a 'problem' at school. Has potential to do well, but is driving his teachers to despair. His work, when he does it, is usually the bare minimum and he has bad relationships with teachers who he feels are petty with him. I've just had an email from the deputy head to say he walked out of detention yesterday and will be seeing her after school today.
He has plenty of friends, and bizarrely likes going to school. When we talk about the effect of his actions on his choices for sixth form he gets really angry and questions my faith in him.
I think he needs some objective help to organise himself and get some goals in place. How can I get this for him? I have suggested to his school that he should see a study skills counsellor who might be able to find out what's causing him to be so stuck, but they put him on report instead.
Any ideas? We do have a good relationship, although I occasionally blow my top. He gets punished fairly with sanctions and rewarded for success.

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nothinginthefridge · 26/04/2012 14:15

You could be describing my DS also in yr 10. I think they are getting a lot, and I mean a lot of pressure at school. My DS also has the ability but does the bare minimum and I think these are the ones that the teachers are focusing their attention on. My DS is feeling very stressed with it all, the teachers are constantly on at him, and they he gets it from us when he gets home.

I found that looking at a job that he wants to do in the future, showing him the advert in which it states the minimum grades needed was a catalyst to some extent. He realised if he wanted the job he advertised he would need to improve, big style.

I have also said that with English and Maths, he might as well try and pass them now, as they all have to stay on another 2 years, he would only have to do them for a further 2 years at college, even if he chose some sort of vocational course. (whether that's true or not, I'm not quite sure, but it seems to be working)

mayaswell · 26/04/2012 14:26

It's nice to know I'm not alone in the feeling. I think a lot of people think I'm just misguided mother who needs to toughen up. I agree the pressure is high, and there are so many lovely distractions when you're 15. I'm clinging on to the fact that friends with older boys say they just suddenly wake up and take it seriously.
I just feel I'm letting him down by not giving him clear guidance. My DH goes in all guns blazing, confiscating phones, xboxes etc, but I see him just raising the stakes in a situation which could go very wrong.

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mayaswell · 26/04/2012 14:29

I will try again with looking at the future in a practical way. That's good advice. We'll talk about what he wants to be doing in the future.

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Yellowtip · 26/04/2012 15:33

Another one here maya. DS2 is in Y11 now (but having done his GCSEs). He's my fifth DC and I adopted your approach too. He's just, but really only just, showing signs of sparking up. I honestly think that one can't force it; I agree with your friends, so cling on.

BackforGood · 26/04/2012 15:38

IME (ds is in Yr11 now), you can save yourself a lot of pain by sticking a pillow on the wall now, as you will just be banging your head against a brick wall for years months to come, otherwise.

Seriously though, we don't do that cos we're their Mums and we love them don't we ? I just try to start every day as if it's a fresh start.
Is there anyone at school that's he's always got on well with - needn't be a particular 'post', more someone he 'connects with' ? Might they be able to have a confidential chat and offer some guidance ?
I know ds has always had some teachers he hates and some who he things are 'sound'.

Yellowtip · 26/04/2012 15:43

Come to think of it maya I've got another DS in Y10 who seems to have just seen the light. Nothing I did, it came from him - I can't account for the timing at all.

mayaswell · 26/04/2012 15:45

Thanks nothing and yellow, on reflection I am actually sorry that there are other people feeling the same, despite what I said about it being nice not to be alone! it's so frustrating when you know how hard it is, that they're underselling themselves and possibly closing doors on their future.
Sadly I was like him in many ways, but it was a different world with more chances, I'm not sure you can scrape by on a handful of passes, some charm and a good interview technique anymore.

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orangeandlemons · 26/04/2012 15:53

As a secondary school teacher, can I tell you that lots of boys are like this. However, in my experience they often pull round during GCSE..........they will do minimal revision, and hounding often makes it worse, but they will do some, and usually pull it off.

My own Ds was like this, used to drive me to despair. He is now 18 and doing v well at A levels, but admitted he did minimum in Year 10 or 11. I used to park outside Mcdonalds with him in the car, and say "See that, that is where you will end up if you don' get your act together. He used to charmingly agree, and then ask for a burger, which wasn't really supposed to happen.

I think the Op's ds will improve at the middle/ end of Year 11, they usually do, especially if he wants to go into 6th form..........but I always like the naughy boys! A bit of spirit is refreshing

mayaswell · 26/04/2012 15:55

Yes back, the GCSE co-ordinator thinks he's charming and told him so!!!!

He seems to have a problem with the teachers who he can't communicate with, particularly if they are sarcastic or patronising. (They have my sympathy, I couldn't do what they do and they are human at the end of the day). But instead of gritting his teeth and getting on with the work he feels he needs to take a stand, sometimes on behalf of others.

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mayaswell · 26/04/2012 16:00

Oh oranges can I buy you a drink? Thank you for that!

When one of his teachers asked what they could do to improve the lesson, he wrote her a note which said 'sorry miss, it's not you, it's me' and signed his name.

Glad your ds is good. Hope is what we need.

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orangeandlemons · 26/04/2012 16:10

How cute! Bless! My ds was not always good ....oh no..

SecretSquirrels · 26/04/2012 16:16

I'm a firm believer in bribery financial incentives.
Also, in year 10 they usually do work experience. Some of DS's friends were not very pro active and ended up in very tedious, menial jobs. Not only did they get teased by those who had found more interesting work but it was a good lesson in the world of unskilled work.

mayaswell · 26/04/2012 17:27

Thanks secret, I'm hoping to channel him into a Saturday job when he's 16 early next term, as he is DESPERATE for cash.
We've gone the other way with the work experience, he's got a place in very ambitious, highly motivated and rewarding environment. Fingers crossed he makes a connection!

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busymummy3 · 26/04/2012 23:37

Sounds a lot like my DS but he is only in Y8-is that worrying? will he have grown out of it by the time he is in Y10 ?

BackforGood · 26/04/2012 23:49

Sorry Bugsmummy you are nowhere near the bottom of this downwards slope yet

mayaswell · 27/04/2012 08:54

Hi busymummy sorry to hear that. Actually year 8 is where it started to go wrong, year 7 was pretty intense, he was still keen to please the teachers and enjoyed doing well, I think in year 8 they're allowed to drift a bit, they're not new, they're not doing options for gcse and theres no SATs anymore to revise for. They're also hitting 'teen' and all that entails. If I had advice that I knew would work I would give it! I think the advice given by the other posters here might be good for you, find out what they're interested in and show them how they could achieve it.
Incidentally I have two younger daughters who are both diligent and successful in their own ways, so I'm not totally despairing.
The main thing I've learned from MN and all the hard won experience here is that it is VITAL to keep listening to them and give them the support they need. Hearing some of the things that go on at school makes me admire them, it's not easy for a lot of children.

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TheWave · 27/04/2012 09:41

As you say he has to make the connection to get the drive.

Don't know if he is going to be college/university material, but getting a few (appropriate for him) university prospectuses sent to him now that he can flick through might work. It would show him some options he could consider if he does well, as well as an idea of the competition (e.g. how many places X uni has to give out doing Y subject - fewer than you think).

Check you are aware of any additional revision sessions the school is putting on after school or in hols and that he is rewarded for going.

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