Need advice help!!!!!!!

[freedom3]

My daughter is 13 and at a mixed secondary currently in year 3. In the first term of year 2 she was popular happy and out and about all the time house full of friends. Sadly she then had to miss the next 2 terms through illness. She has returned to school Sept this year to discover her friends have dropped her whilst they are polite they do not wish to socialise with her and she is no longer invited anywhere she is devastated.
I don't know what to do I have suggested she invites some for tea after school or to go shopping but she is still met with polite no's. Unfortunately there are not that many girls in her year and this is the main group so its this or nothing. As I work I dfon't really know the other mums so can't try that approach easily.
Any suggestions?????
Desperate

[DLIguy]

Would she join a youth group or the Girl Guides?

[freedom3]

Good idea will suggest

[coodles]

I would speak to a teacher to make sure they are aware of the situation - they may have some suggestions for trying to reintegrate her into the school.I think some schools have mentor/buddy type support.

Depending on her interests, also maybe try to find groups outside school?

As she has only just returned from prolonged illness, maybe you ask someone at the hospital for advice as well.

[freedom3]

Yes stupidly didn't think of the school will see what they suggest thanks

[mpar17]

The same sort of thing happened to my daughter. She was in primary school at the time, but it was a really difficult time for her. She felt her friends had moved on and didn't really want to welcome her back into the group. The school was great when I spoke to them and they tried to encourage them to be in groups together in class and when doing school tasks. It did over time work itself out though and she's a stronger character for the whole experience. Hope it helps

[Dragonessa]

I think rather than trying to "join the group" it would work better to make individual approaches. Also very small things - a quick comment and smile exchanged and leave at that. Then build to offering a small help or borrow needed to a member of the group.

The group has its own new shape and just doesn't feel she's part of it now. So she's like a "new girl."
The less attactive bit is that groups, especially female groups, express their sense of power, of belonging to each other, through holding other/s outside. It's an animal thing.

She has to learn a hard lesson that people's feelings don't instantly switch into place. Matters of feelings take time. Weeks of it. Maybe a couple of months or more. Also power patterns are painful at times.

But patience and determination will get there. They'll get used to her being part of the landscape again. They'll get their portion of feeling powerful and then gradually let go of that.

Meanwhile opening up other possibilities is good. The library will have local groups and projects. The more she can feel she is not utterly dependent on this group the better - she'll come over as less needy so there'll be less power plays being triggered.

Try and explain all this in language she can understand. Watching how kittens or puppies behave when still with mum is instructive!

[AMumInScotland]

"there are not that many girls in her year and this is the main group so its this or nothing" - do you mean that all the other girls are this group, and she is excluded? Or do you mean that there are other girls who are equally not part of the "main" group? Because maybe it would be better for her not to focus on joining the "popular" group, but instead make friends with the others who aren't the in-crowd instead.

[sandripples]

Yes I think that's a good idea as I get the impression from my DCs that the 'in-crowd' can be fairly unpleasant. Does your DD do any music by any chance. My DD felt rather excluded and it was through music that she gained confidence as it gave her a place to go at lunch-times and there were like-minded other students in the music block as well.

I also think time will help but this must be tough on top of having been ill for a prolonged time.

Other ideas; Join a St John's group? Or drama - or whatever interests her that might have an out of school meeting programme.

I'm interested partly because I've been ill and off work for 11 months and am just returning to work now. I feel very welcome but there's no doubt that things and relationship/power dynamics have changed while I've been away. Even as a mature adult with lots of life experience I think I have felt slightly uncomfortable - even though several are going out of their way to help me back - people don't mean to be difficult but things have moved on. It has helped me to reflect on this in this thread actually.

I think it will take a few months to get over this and the key thing is to be true to yourself. (Easier for an adult with a long term view on life) But for your DD I agree that having a quiet word with the teachers could be helpful as they'll probably look out for her a bit more if you mention the issue. (They should do anyway!) The teachers have been great in discreet support of my DS while I was ill - I told his form teacher and she quietly told the subject teachers to keep an eye. I am very grateful to them and DS did very well in his GCSEs despite my going through cancer treatment.