Confused

(13 Posts)
StarTravels Wed 30-Mar-16 14:40:41

I'm new to being a SAHP.

I quit my job while coming towards the end of my maternity leave and I'm still technically on maternity leave now. I have a 10 month old and it feels like I'm really struggling. Everyone else seems to just be very natural and I'm really not. I'm wondering if I made the wrong decision to stay at home.

I wanted to do it because I believe it's what's best for my DS, but now he's bigger, I feel like it just keeps getting harder.

He won't ever just play by himself. All day long he moans if I don't sit with him or carry him. I can't do any house work, or go to the loo, or even go to the supermarket now as he cries if I put him in the buggy - he just wants to be on the floor, crawling around, with me playing with him all day. I can't go to a cafe, as he needs to crawl. I can't put him in the car as he will fall asleep and then bedtime will be ruined!

I used to take him to a baby group every day but now he's got older, he's too mobile for all of the groups, and now we only do swimming and baby sensory (but even that he's a bit too mobile for, so I think it may need to end soon). I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with him all day. Do you all have routines? I'm wondering if I should try to teach him and maybe if I just give up and try not to do anything else and focus on him completely then maybe I will be more successful? I feel like I should be doing other things though - like food shopping and cleaning.

Because we can't go out without him crying all the time. I'm piling on the pounds too, and I'm getting even more miserable.

I was on ADs which I've recently stopped, so I'm also not sure if maybe I ended them too soon and that's why I feel this way, or whether this is normal. Everyone else seems to be having a lovely time! All my NCT friends are all now back at work, so any structure I had before has disappeared; and the people I had to talk to have gone.

My husband gives me a hard time if I even dare to even suggest going back to work. I'm not even sure if I want to go back, I think I just want to know I still have the option, but he makes me feel bad, saying it's not what's best for DS.

Can anyone help with whether this is normal, or whether you think I need to go back on the ADs? I really don't want to, but I will if it's for the best.

And what do you do with your babies all day? Do they cry all the time if you're not 100% with them? Have you found any good baby groups for mobile babies?

Will this get easier or am I just not cut out for this? Do you think I should go back to work?? I'm worried he can sense that I'm struggling and it may actually be worse for him than nursery!

Lilaclily Wed 30-Mar-16 14:44:30

I don't think you should be playing with him all day

Just carrying on cooking etc he will soon get used to it
Let him play with pots and pans while you cook or a plastic washing bowl and cups etc

You'll both soon get in the swing of it

At that age I went to loads of toddler groups to get out and about

Let him crawl about and explore

Lilaclily Wed 30-Mar-16 14:45:17

Oh and if he cries when you go shopping go at nap time or use a dummy

Cakescakescakes Wed 30-Mar-16 14:50:18

I found about 10-14 months the hardest age. They are too small to play much independently and need watched constantly at toddler groups. They also want out of the buggy as they're so excited to be able to move around. It will get better!!! Things I did.... Swimming, buy a waterproof suit and let him crawl round the garden or park, put him I high chair beside you while you cook etc, TESCO ONLINE!!!, soft play with a baby area, looking at books etc. My DC both loved when I did the hoovering and would crawl around behind me playing with all the attachments etc.

LaurieLemons Wed 30-Mar-16 14:54:16

Do what's best for you if your husband is so sure that's what's best then he can go and quit his job. I don't think either is best personally they both have pros and cons. How about going part time?

It's a hard age with all the whining I know exactly what you mean, my DS is 9 months but don't let it stop you going out. Do you have a jumperoo? I find kitchen items and random things round the house are much more interesting than toys for some reason, don't give up it will get easier (I'm hopingsmile)

howabout Wed 30-Mar-16 15:05:28

This is the hardest stage imo. A couple of months and he will be walking and the weather will improve so you can get out to the park / garden a lot. Also he will be talking soon and that will help.

Mine were playing with the socks at laundry time (when is it not?) and emptying the kitchen cupboards a lot at this stage. We used to have high chair dancing with the radio while I did the dishes.

I think it is harder to find toddler groups than it used to be as there are fewer toddlers at home all day, but if you can find one or even another Mum to share the day with sometimes it would help.

scandichick Wed 30-Mar-16 15:35:33

It's a tough age; I found it got progressively easier for them to entertain themselves from then on. Don't spend all your time playing - it's good to slowly learn to entertain oneself!

I went back to work because I would have gone insane otherwise, so possibly slightly biased - but your husband's attitude stinks. If you don't want to stay at home, there's no law saying you have to. If it's so important to him that there is a parent at home, it can be him.

And yy to toddler groups, playgrounds and other things - just watching older kids keeps mine entertained for ages, so abandon the baby groups and go for toddler things instead.

NickyEds Wed 30-Mar-16 15:52:08

I'm a SAHM to 2.3 year old ds and 8 month dd so still quite new to it myself but a few tips;
- baby groups are of no use to you now you've got a crawler, toddler groups are much better.I know it sounds like semantics but it really isn't! I tried several different ones before finding one I liked.
-Have you got a Sure Start Childrens Centre nearby? At this age with ds mine was a godsend.
-Become more oblivious to whining. This is far easier said than done but very useful. Between my two I'd say one of them is moaning 50% of the day. If I let it stop me doing housework we'd live in a tip! The buggy is non negotiable- he'll get used to it!
-Have you got suitable baby prisons? We have a jumparoo which was great for ds but dd isn't keen so we have a travel cot for her to be in whilst I nip to the loo.

This age is really hard. When ds was this age several groups we went to (a music one, a baby group etc) became totally unfeasable and all of my friends went back to work. I now see the ones who are part time on their days off and I find inviting them to my house to play is often easier than going out.It will get easier when your ds can walk and the weather gets better.

Batladyandrose Fri 01-Apr-16 07:06:32

What work did you do before your DS was born? could you apply for reduced hours? There is an old saying 'if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy', it rings very true for me, we need to make sure our children are happy but we can't just put out needs out of the picture either. I don't mind being a SAHP but it's a joint choice, DH has never 'told' me what to do and I'd be very worried if he did...after all in future he could potentially 'tell' me what I can and cannot spend money on, or do with regard the children's education.

Do you use baby gates? I put one up when I absolutely need to get jobs done, DS has had to learn to play on his own (which can be hard as he is so used to being entertained by his older siblings). Sometimes I have ruined bedtime if it means that I could get a day out, the trade off is sometimes worth it! Cafes often become possible again in a few months time , in the meantime have you got national trust places near to you? they often have great baby facilities and out door cafe area, so at least if you feel like your child is not wanting to sit you don't feel so self conscious.

I found the early months very very hard, work was very regimented and organised and suddenly I was thrown into chaos! it gets easier, but I wouldn't rule out going back to work...just because your DH says it's so doesn't make it fact, children do just as well when their parents work. I was fearful of sending my child to 'strangers', but I shouldn't have been, since having DC's I have met some wonderful childminders.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Fri 01-Apr-16 07:12:16

There's absolutely nothing wrong with going back to work. Perhaps in a perfect world it's the best thing for your DS to have a sahp, but if you're not happy and willing then I think everyone's better off if you work as well.

Why does your dh want you to be at home so much? Is he willing to sacrifice his career so your son has a sahp?

StarTravels Fri 01-Apr-16 07:45:03

I think you're right about the toddler groups. I didn't realise he could go to these yet, so I will have a hunt around. It feels a bit like there's nothing that caters for him now he's stuck between a baby and a toddler. He can't walk but he does want to be constantly crawling around.

We do use baby gates but he just stands holding onto it at the kitchen moaning at me, so I don't leave him out there for very long. He also moans if I sit him in the high chair to watch me while I cook/clean. I hope you're all right, and it will get easier once he can walk/talk.

DH's mum stayed at home with him and mine did with me and I think DH just thinks its better for one of us to be at home with him.

When I've got to the end of my tether, I have said he should do it then, and he's humoured me and said if that's what I want then he will... but he never mentions it again. I've said he should have a chat with his business partner about how it would work, and he never does. He works for himself and I'm not sure we could afford for him to do it full time. I was paid quite well, but his pay is three times what mine was.

I think I'm torn with what I want too. When DS's not constantly moaning at me, I don't mind staying at home, just at the moment it feels really hard work and I'm struggling to work out whether this is normal, or whether my depression is creeping back. It sounds like it might be a normal phase I just have to get through with him though, so you've all given me hope!!

Bringiton2016 Fri 01-Apr-16 08:06:27

I think it's a very hard time, but it is about to become easier in a lot of ways once he becomes more independent. I have stayed at home and felt pretty miserable, but with 2 under 2 there wasn't much choice. I think a week is a large amount of time to fill, and a large amount of time to be whinged at. I find the whinging really gets me down.

In hindsight I think working out of the home for 2 days would have been better for me. I think I would have approached my 3 days at home with more excitement and could have filled them with activities.

A lot of people seem to go back to work round here so it has been pretty lonely for me. Also your husband does not get a say. Good luck.

StarTravels Fri 01-Apr-16 13:37:53

Without it being too identifying, I used to integrate companies with each other following a merger or acquisition Batladyandrose. It was very stressful and in many ways I am enjoying the reduction of that type of stress, but it's been replaced with something a lot less controllable and a lot more whingy!

I think the chances of being able to do my old role part time is probably quite slim. I used to work long hours and have to be away from home a lot and that ship has sailed now anyway. My best bet would have been to have asked for flexible working, but I've resigned now. I'm not sure I will find something similar at a new company on a PT basis.

Maybe I will have a look at whether there's anything else I can do for a couple of days a week just to get some balance back.

I know exactly how you feel Bringiton2016

I think part of the problem is that I'm torn on what I want myself. Even if my DH didn't agree with my decision he wouldn't be able to make me stay at home. I'm not worried about anything like that. But we did discuss it before I was pregnant and this was always the plan. I feel like I'm going back on my side of the agreement, a little. And like I said, I don't hate it. I am just finding it hard at the moment...

This probably sounds quite mad, but I've ordered a few things off of Amazon to try to 'teach' DS. Even if it goes in one ear and out the other maybe it will add some structure to my day and stop him whining for at least half an hour?!

I've also found a new toddler group - so that's Wednesdays sorted!

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