Please come and help a decision regarding big move to Devon.

(70 Posts)
Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:05:12

Hi. thanks for reading. I need another perspective!

Dh and I have friends and family in north Devon. We love it and visit often (not just for tourism iykyim). I have 2 children 6&8.

Their Dad sees them alternate weekends and would be very unhappy with such a large move (3 hours in the car).

Our reasons for wanting to go are as follows:

Children are young enough to adapt to new school
We are a very outdoorsy family - so much for us to do there.
Our wider family don't require us in any practical way at present (may do in the future)
We could have a slightly bigger property and be mortgage free shock
We're not having any more children so dynamics should be stable
We are both in healthcare and have very stressful (but high earning) jobs.
If we don't have a mortgage we can work more flexibly and at a lower grade - maybe even part time.

I can't see the downsides apart from their dad. Do I really have to consider him in all this?

I think twice a month the dcs would cope with the journey on a Friday night after school then return when they're asleep on the Sunday.

Right any points of view very gratefully received smile

OnlyHereForTheCamping Fri 08-Jan-16 22:09:20

I love devon, go for it

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:13:32

grin thanks only. Case closed.

tilder Fri 08-Jan-16 22:19:29

If I ever separate from dh, if he got custody and then moved 3 hours away, I would be livid. Gutted. Devastated.

It may only be 2 weekends a month but it will change things. Will be different as well when they are older and able to travel more independently.

Fourarmsv2 Fri 08-Jan-16 22:19:50

Where in North Devon?

We've done Plymouth & Helston. The M5 is unforgiving and a 3h journey can take much much longer.

I wouldn't want to commit my DCs to doing that twice-monthly especially in the summer (although I make DH do it weekly! blush)

m0therofdragons Fri 08-Jan-16 22:23:03

3 hours (6 hours round trip ) is totally doable once a fortnight. I'd probably take dc to him and he brings them back so he's not doing 12 hours of driving but depends how much you want to be nice. We love the west country in general. Do it!

Marshy Fri 08-Jan-16 22:26:11

Dc maintaining a relationship with their dad trumps everything else imo

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:27:55

Well at the moment he collects them 9am Saturday morning. We could bring them to him so he'd know know different.

We could collect them sun evening and they could sleep in the car (or watch dvd).

tilder Fri 08-Jan-16 22:28:32

I guess it boils down to whether or not you want your kids to have a decent relationship with their dad.

'Do I really have to consider him?'

Only if your kids and/or you and/or him value the relationship.

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:30:09

Thanks for all replies. I actually wouldn't expect him to do any extra driving.

If he still has exactly the same contact time then he wouldn't have anything to do differently (actually he'd do less driving than now).

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:31:47

I'm struggling to be sympathetic to him as he has a 'new' family and has dropped contact from weekly to fortnightly and changed his job.

I think my dcs life for the 12 days he isn't around could be more pleasant than it is now.

futureme Fri 08-Jan-16 22:32:31

I'd be heartbroken if my kids were 3 hours away. Much too far to take time off for a school play etc.

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:33:04

Yes that's true.

Thally Fri 08-Jan-16 22:33:31

I think this gets much harder once they are much older.
If you both live locally, at weekends where they have activities or parties or just want to spend time with friends it can be accommodated. At 12 and 14 it will be much harder to make them use their free time this way. I know lots of families do it, but it doesn't make it ideal. If I was the NRP I would be very upset.

futureme Fri 08-Jan-16 22:33:38

Wouldnt the kids start to resent the trip as they get older as they would have all their school friends partys/ sports fixtures/clubs nearby and want to not go 3hours away for the weekend?

futureme Fri 08-Jan-16 22:34:06

Ah snap!

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:34:20

He has seen a few plays but his change of job means he doesn't really attend their stuff anyway, although he does make arrangements to see the teachers separately to keep in touch.

tilder Fri 08-Jan-16 22:34:56

They would still be further away. In a few years as teenagers they wouldn't be able to just go and see their dad if they wanted to. Every visit would be that, a visit, a hassle, something out of their normal life.

I don't know how far apart you currently live. Can they do their clubs, see their friends from his at the moment?

tilder Fri 08-Jan-16 22:36:24

Snap again

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:36:46

Mmm yes good point about being older.

It sort of seems very heavily weighed to the golden time he has with them. He can have magical time, whereas dh and I hate grafting away in an expensive area holding it all together. We have years ahead of us with him in our lives I suppose.

user7755 Fri 08-Jan-16 22:37:44

Tough one, YY to Devon (absolutely love it there).

Trouble is that once you get into Devon it's still bloody miles to get to North Devon and using public transport is even worse.

Do you have the sort of relationship with ex where you could discuss it with him?

futureme Fri 08-Jan-16 22:39:04

I think its not so much about him having golden time as about the children having a good relationship with both parents. If you can see it from their perspective long term of being good for them to have access and a relationship with both parents it might help?

I'm not in this situation though.

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:39:45

I don't think I'm articulating this very well actually. I do see the nrp of view. It's just hard that because of his decisions I have to sort of mirror him.

I genuinely don't believe the children would be worse off this way.

When he has them he doesn't really take them to their parties etc anyway. I've already begged my sons rugby club to allow him to alternate weekend and weekday sessions so we can still take him as dh won't.

ChristmasHousewife Fri 08-Jan-16 22:40:05

It's 3 hours not 3 days. Just go, it sounds like he has minimal involvement anyway.

Karatedoormat Fri 08-Jan-16 22:40:16

xh not 'dh'!

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