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Am I in the wrong or is he when it comes to blow jobs?

(163 Posts)
topofthetree Sun 20-Jul-14 05:28:24

I have tried many times to give him a blow job, but it just never happenes i get so discussed with the thought that i almost throw up. I have no idea why its to the point that i hate even thinking about giving him one. I feel really bad because he would rather have those then sex it seems like. He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of preportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel. Am I in the wrong or is he

olderguy Sun 20-Jul-14 05:43:35

If you don't want to do it then don't do it, if he loves you it shouldn't matter to him

topofthetree Sun 20-Jul-14 05:49:00

That's what I would have thought but he says if I love him then I should be able to look past it

Pangaea Sun 20-Jul-14 05:56:03

if he loves you it shouldn't matter to him

I'm not I agree. Call me selfish, but I saw no future with the man I dated for 6 months who found going down on 'disgusting'. It made me feel unattractive, rejected and unsatisfied. It is not unreasonable at all to want to have your physical needs indulged by a willing partner.

If he loves you he shouldn't pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. He should respect your choice to say no. You are not wrong to not want to give him blow jobs.

However, there is a question of sexual compatibility here. He obviously wants a relationship where oral sex is on the cards. He is not wrong to want this either.

You're going to have to sit down and discuss this properly. Weigh up the options. Either, you continue your relationship without blow jobs, or you move on from one another in search of partner's who are better aligned to each of your sexual tastes.

hesterton Sun 20-Jul-14 05:56:25

You're right, he's not.

Why would he want you to do a sex act on him that you hate? How could he enjoy it knowing that?

topofthetree Sun 20-Jul-14 06:02:42

That's what I would have thought but he says if I love him then I should be able to look past it. Ill do anything else for him its just the blow job i can't get over. I've tried compermising to where i would only do it for a little then maybe a hand job but its just not enough. i know Its tmi but this is just really starting to cause problems

melissa83 Sun 20-Jul-14 06:04:37

I couldnt be married or in a long term relationship with a person who wouldnt do oral or didnt like it. I think it would be best to break up and get with someone less sexual.

ivykaty44 Sun 20-Jul-14 06:09:25

The more pressure there is the more likely you are to bulk at it. My ex put a lot of emphasis on bj and I just couldn't do it and didn't like receiving much either.

Different story now though with someone else...really enjoy it!

MangoBiscuit Sun 20-Jul-14 06:09:49

I agree with Pangaea. You are certainly not wrong for not wanting to do it and well within your rights to refuse, hassle free! He's not wrong for wanting oral sex, but he is very wrong to hassle you about it. If he loves you then he "should be able to look past" the lack of blow jobs. hmm

Opinionated7 Sun 20-Jul-14 06:28:58

Agree with Pangaea.

nooka Sun 20-Jul-14 06:45:32

I don't like oral sex, but luckily for me my dh doesn't either so it's not a big deal. We both generally have plenty of sex drive, although it's come and gone over the years.

So nothing wrong with not enjoying it, and no you shouldn't do stuff you find unpleasant, but also nothing wrong with liking it and wanting it. Unwise to get talk of love mixed up with sexual compatibility issues, and very bad to try and guilt trip someone into doing something they don't want to do, so on that front he is an arse.

However it sounds like it is a big deal to him, it's unlikely to stop being an issue and it might well be best to break up and both look for someone new.

reversecowgirl Sun 20-Jul-14 06:58:22

my husband gets 12/13 blow jobs a year. (when my period is here) it is not my favourite thing we do but I don't mind, I think I have become really good at it as I can make him come pretty quickly. But before we do anything he has to take a shower and if there is even a hint of an unpleasant smell then I make him go back and wash again until I am comfortable. He loves it and that makes me happy

HumblePieMonster Sun 20-Jul-14 07:05:30

Certainly do not do anything you don't want to do. A change of partner might make a world of difference.

Needadvice5 Sun 20-Jul-14 07:06:45

I agree with everyone else maybe your just not sexually compatible?

When I was with my ex I hated oral sex, hated it.

But now I'm with my lovely Dp I can't get or give it enough! It's daily, I actually enjoy giving partly because I know how much he enjoys it.
in fact we went on a little child free walk in the sunshine on Friday afternoon and the inevitable happened, was amazing!

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 20-Jul-14 07:13:50

I think for me it would depend on whether you liked the favour returned or not.

I had a partner who wouldn't perform on me, but expected it from me. Led to so much bitterness that it really became an issue.

To me oral is the best part of sex. I'd rather leave out the penetration personally. grin

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 20-Jul-14 07:27:16

You shouldn't be pressured into doing something sexually that you aren't comfortable with, that's the bottom line. So he's wrong to do so.
If he can't cope with a life without blow jobs he needs to reevaluate his commitment to your relationship and decide whether he would rather be with you with no bjs or take his chances out in the dating market with the potential for bjs in the future.
What he shouldn't do is argue, whine and bitch about not getting them from you.

EverythingCounts Sun 20-Jul-14 07:34:50

Another one agreeing with Pangaea. You always have right of choice and refusal. I can see how he feels if he knows it seems disgusting to you, but he shouldn't keep pressuring you. If it's that important you will have to split and I would be honest and say that to him.

FatalCabbage Sun 20-Jul-14 07:40:52

"If you loved me you'd do it" is what 14yos and abusers say. I hope he is neither.

DH loves oral sex. I can't bring myself to give or receive. He respects that and it doesn't feature.

You are not in the wrong but if he can't do without then I agree with pps that it could be a deal breaker.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 07:48:37

He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of proportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel

He's a top grade bastard and I will be surprised if he's not a bastard in other areas too.
Does he ignore your feelings in other matters too?

Have you told him that by insisting to the point of arguments on you doing something you don't want to sexually, he's a sexual abuser?
You should either leave him or to tell him that you will next time he brings it up and follow it through.

He's a bad apple and I can see years of misery for you, based on his behaviour. sad

lunar1 Sun 20-Jul-14 07:52:37

He is wrong to pressure you, but I would really question if you are compatible if you are not happy with each other sexually.

Branleuse Sun 20-Jul-14 07:54:49

if he loves oral sex and you are disgusted by it then its not going to work is it.

Youre not obliged to give it. Hes not obliged to date you.

move on

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 07:58:50

Just pointing out that if the op had been about how sad you felt that you couldn't bring yourself to give him a bj, but he was so nice about it, then I'd probably have also gone about how ok it was.

As it is, he's a twat and doesn't deserve you even trying.

I hope he's only a bf ATM.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 08:03:45

I love it when people keep banging on about compatibility when there's one partner trying to force the other into sexual acts. He's not pushing her head down. But his attitude and emotional blackmail is virtually the same. The OP has to fight it.

The main problem here is not compatibility. It's his attitude.
You should leave HIM.
Not be told that he should leave you.

But his attitude should be to either accept it or leave.

Your attitude should be to stop trying to please a man with a big red flag waving in front of him.

WildBillfemale Sun 20-Jul-14 08:22:40

*When I was with my ex I hated oral sex, hated it.

But now I'm with my lovely Dp I can't get or give it enough! It's daily.*

I've found the above to be very true. Are you very very sure it's the act that you find distasteful not the man?

If it's the act you would be better off finding someone else who you are sexually compatible with.
He likes oral, you don't, imo it's a deal breaker.

oohdaddypig Sun 20-Jul-14 08:36:58

I don't massively enjoy giving it but don't dislike it either - but DH loves it (surprise) so I can tolerate, ahem, a few sucks grin. He seems so pleased and happy that that makes me enjoy it and manage a bit more...

I see it as part of the overall round of having sex - some bits are better than others.

I think your DH's reaction is unfair though. If you really hate giving it, but are happy to do it briefly, I would see that as a fair compromise!

halfwildlingwoman Sun 20-Jul-14 08:37:43

You don't have to do something you don't want to do. If he was a kind caring person who really wanted you to be happy, sexually and otherwise, he would shut up about it until you were ready. And when you were ready, because he was a considerate lover and you wanted to please him, then you would probably at least tolerate it, if not enjoy it. If you never were ready, than you would have to decide if it was a deal breaker between you. I know for a fact that plenty of men can live with ever receiving blowjobs.
I don't think it's equivalent to discuss men giving oral sex to women. There is a scary aspect to having a dick in your mouth and possibly choking that doesn't exist the other way round. In my misspent youth I encountered men that were rather unpleasant in this arena.

Minime85 Sun 20-Jul-14 08:54:17

Pangaea said it all I think and mango

My ex was like this. I didn't use to hate them, but I never really like it. As time went on though, the more I disliked it and eventually, I was just blunt with him that I just didn't like it. He wouldn't get it and would literally just point his thing in my face, again and again. Forgot about this actually hmm

Yes, in a relationship we all have to compromise and this sometimes involves doing things that you don't always really want to, but when it comes to sex, no. Just no. That's a completely different thing and you should never do anything that you don't want to.

It would have probably helped me if he wasn't so forceful and insistent that it was almost my duty.

My issues with it though, could possibly be more to do with who I was with, rather than the act itself. However, now I'm with a woman, let's just say I really REALLY don't miss them.

I really feel for you OP. Does he know how much you hate doing it?

Justrestinginmyaccount Sun 20-Jul-14 10:10:39

I don't think it's a case of being right or wrong OP. You don't like blow jobs, and he does. The fact that you can't agree a stance on such a basic sexual act would indicate to me that you aren't sexually compatible, and it's probably time to move on.

You have every right to not want to perform oral sex; he has every right to want it done! Find partners that are more suited to your individual preferences; otherwise you are both just going to be miserable and resentful.

I once ended a relationship because the guy didn't really like giving oral. Was he wrong not to like it? Not really, but for me it is a deal breaker; therefore the relationship was just a total none starter...

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 10:32:03

Pangaea said it all I think and mango

Yep, but I don't think it's going to stop others telling us all how much they enjoy oral sex.

sebsmummy1 Sun 20-Jul-14 10:37:38

Difficult one as he has the right to a fulfilling sex life just as you have every right to not be forced or coerced into doing something that you hate.

I have to agree with the consensus that it seems in this area you are not compatible. If the rest if your relationship works then I think it could continue to work in the future, but only if he stops pressurising you. If there are other problems and this is just the tip if the iceberg then I would think about moving on. Not even guy is mad on BJs. My partner can take them or leave them, he enjoys it but prefers sex, so you do not have to conform to what society dictates as normal, keep being yourself.

NormalTea Sun 20-Jul-14 10:57:38

I agree with wildbillfemale. I think maybe it's a better guage than sex for how much you love somebody (this is for people who feel like i do, not everybody). Have with some men wanted to and with some, it would have revolted me, even though I could have sex with them obviously. There is something so submissive about a blowjob in my book, you have to really really know that you're valued and respected and loved. whereas sex, I think it's just easier confused

part of the problem for me is now with all men having been exposed to porn it makes me nervous even before anything has happened. I feel less adventurous, less keen, less brave. but i guess that's a whole other thread.

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 11:01:08

I agree with Normal, and that is why I suspect there's more that is not right in the relationship in addition to his nasty response to the OP not wanting to give him a bj.

Branleuse Sun 20-Jul-14 11:02:48

i would totally end a relationship with someone who wouldn't go down. All about loving someone and wantimg them to be happy sexually, yada yada, it wouldnt even get that far tbh.

Yous be better off with someone whos sexual needs match yours

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 11:08:34

I would totally end a relationship with some one who pressured me in to kissing with tongues / giving oral / receiving anal etc. despite my reservations.

I'd end it for the ridiculous "...if you really loved me".

Chunderella Sun 20-Jul-14 11:38:07

It's not wrong to refuse to perform oral sex if you hate it. It's not wrong to want it from a partner either. But it is wrong to try and pressure you into it when you clearly don't want to: that's the only thing that's a problem in this situation, and it's a big fuckoff red flag.

If your DP considers blow jobs to be such a vital part of the relationship that he can't be in one where they're not on offer, that's fine, but he needs to end his relationship with you and find someone who actually wants to give them. Not try and guilt trip you into it. I actually don't think this is a remotely difficult or complex issue. You should not be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

Dontgotosleep Sun 20-Jul-14 12:01:11

We're all different aren't we, but if your not sexually compatable then it's probably not going to work.
For me I love giving d.p oral. He loves receiving

Lweji Sun 20-Jul-14 12:05:41

Replace the OP with "DP wants to whip me, but I don't want to be whipped, he gets angry with me for saying no".
Then see if most of the answers would be the same.

The issue here is his response to her refusal.

He really gets upset when we come to this topic. our fights get completely out of proportion and i feel like he doesn't even care how i feel.
This is the problem. Right there.

LEMmingaround Sun 20-Jul-14 12:11:47

I dont think people are sexually incompatible if one partner doesn't like a particular sex act. Its his reaction to her not wanting to do it thats the problem.

I love oral sex but I couldn't think of anything less erotic than receiving it from a reluctant partner.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 13:11:44

I am surprised how many people say they don't like it but give it anyway. As LEMing said, there's nothing less erotic than sex or oral sex from a reluctant partner.

Pinklaydee1302 Sun 20-Jul-14 13:41:44

I once went out with a guy who 'expected' a BJ every time we got intimate....I got rid.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 15:26:02

I agree with Vivacia and others. It's the guilt tripping and manipulating language that's the main problem.

Pinkfrocks Sun 20-Jul-14 15:36:18

You can say no.
It's ok.
You only do what you are comfortable with.

The 'If you loved me' stuff is silly, immature emotional blackmail.

All I would say is that if you are basing your distaste on what you have seen on porn sites, they are always IMO rather more enthusiastic shall we say than you have to be in real life. And you don't have to put 6 inches down your throat. Many men are quite happy with the tip and a couple of inches being given appropriate attention.

WitchOfEndor Sun 20-Jul-14 15:46:21

I can't understand why anyone would want their partner to do something they really didn't like. If I thought DH didn't like doing something (apart from loading the dishwasher) I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

Your issue is that your partner doesn't seem to care if you like it or not, hence the huge arguments. I think you should find someone else.

I'm going to disagree with the poster who said if you don't like it, find a partner "who's less sexual." You can have a wonderful sex life and not give oral. I do.

XiCi Sun 20-Jul-14 17:51:34

Has this been a problem in all of your relationships or is it just with your current dh that you have this aversion?

I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs. Similarly I don't think I could stay in a relationship where my dp would not go down on me

Agree that he should not be trying to coerce you, and surely knowing your partner was doing something they hated just to appease you would take all the pleasure out of it anyway

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 18:02:51

I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs.

It's people like you who perpetuate the notion that a woman must suck a man's dick or she is no good. She must suck cock to be worthy of his love. Oh please.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 18:04:41

You can have a wonderful sex life and not give oral. I do. Do you like to receive it though? Oral is a huge part of a sexual relationships, to miss out on it seems a shame to me, but different strokes I suppose.

In response to OP the problem isn't really about blow jobs, but about being comfortable, both in yourself and with your DP. I used to hate giving hand jobs after my first partner told me I was rubbish. I got scared of being asked and always said no. Then my lovely DP asked, my initial response was of course no but I asked him to show me how he liked it and now I don't mind doing it. In fact I like it cause I know how much DP enjoys it.

Your DP sounds immature and uncaring, even bordering on bullying behaviour. I don't think you can ever be comfortable with someone who treats you like that.

XiCi Sun 20-Jul-14 18:28:04

don't be fucking ridiculous Eve. I said in my post that she should not be coerced into anything she didn't want to do. The majority of people male and female enjoy oral sex, I don't see that there's anything wrong in acknowledging that.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 18:41:54

This isn't a thread about oral sex imho, but I have to respond to this,

I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs.

To say I can think of a couple.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 18:45:00

Vivacia - Is one of them the Pope?

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 18:46:09

I was going to say, "let's call it three then" but I can't say I've had a sex life with the pope.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 18:46:15

"The majority of people male and female enjoy oral sex, I don't see that there's anything wrong in acknowledging that."

There's a big difference between acknowledging people enjoy oral sex and your previous statement:

"I doubt there's a man alive that would be happy with a sex life without blow jobs."

Because that is fucking ridiculous.

hmm

nooka Sun 20-Jul-14 18:48:36

We had a thread about this the other day and those of us who said we had a dp/dh who didn't like oral were a disbelieved minority. Personally I wonder if the majority of women really like giving BJs or just feel that they should, but I know that's because I don't like doing it myself and I know that there is a strong expectation on women to give oral (much higher I suspect than that on men to do the same).

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 18:53:44

It's interesting, I hear that everyone loves anal sex, and I don't believe there's a man alive who would accept a sex life which didn't include (giving, not receiving obv) anal sex. Of course, I love taking it cos I'm so cool and what I enjoy is what everyone else should enjoy.

Joysmum Sun 20-Jul-14 18:56:38

2 ticks in the box for everything in a marriage.

If both partners don't agree then it doesn't happen.

DH and I have a great sex life but there's things he'd like to try that I don't. Likewise there's things I like to try that he doesn't.

Instead of concentrating on the differences, we have fun exploring the common ground. Neither of us would ever pressure the other to do something they aren't comfortable with because, to us, sex isn't about getting pleasure, it's about giving pleasure. With both focused on that we are considerate lovers focused on our partner. I guess that's why it's so good. wink

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 18:57:20

It's this dipshit attitude - a man's entitled to a blow job. A sex life is incomplete without it. Oh go on, let him have a bit of sucking. Let him come in your mouth. Swallow it - nice girls don't spit.

When was the last time somebody banged on about how there 'isn't a woman alive who doesn't like receiving oral sex', how a man is 'less sexual' if he doesn't like doing it?

Foolishlady Sun 20-Jul-14 19:00:39

My dh neither likes giving or receiving oral sex. I, on the other hand, used to love it. I never forced him (and obviously nothing less sexy that someone who finds it disgusting) but to be honest I find our sex life poor and perhaps we should have gone our separate ways.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 19:01:20

How many of you are doing deep throat? I hope you're doing deep throat as well, because, you know, there isn't a man alive who doesn't like deep throat.

hmm

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 19:01:53

Vivacia

You cant compare a sex life that only includes PIV sex to a sex life that just doesn't include anal.

I doubt any one thinks they are being 'cool' by giving their partners a BJ.

Foolishlady Sun 20-Jul-14 19:02:48

I fantasise about getting it all the time, and to be honest part of me does think a man who dislikes giving it is less into women and sex in general.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 19:03:03

Perhaps we should just accept that everyone likes different things. There isn't or shouldn't be a blueprint for how we pleasure each other. I dare say there are people who like standing in bowls of cold custard, slapping each others arses with wet kippers but it doesn't mean we should all do it.

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 19:03:11

I think you may have missed the point, lass

EveMarieSaint Sun 20-Jul-14 19:04:07

Are you testing the waters there, neil?

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 19:05:14

What is the point?

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 19:09:26

You cant compare a sex life that only includes PIV sex to a sex life that just doesn't include anal

I didn't.

joanofarchitrave Sun 20-Jul-14 19:10:04

[Hijack: I've only had one partner who really adored bjs - a couple who liked them a lot, and the others could take it or leave it including dh. As far as I remember, they were all alive.

if you think oral sex is essential for a sex life to exist, I'd suggest you get out more; and also make sure you have an HPV vaccination or your partner could be looking at head and neck cancer due to your sexual preferences.]

OP: you don't have to do this. Some time when things are calm, sit him down and explain that you are not going to do this and if he pressures you again your relationship is over.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 19:14:42

Sorry but what point were you trying to make with this then?
It's interesting, I hear that everyone loves anal sex, and I don't believe there's a man alive who would accept a sex life which didn't include (giving, not receiving obv) anal sex.

Thats a direct response to someone else on the thread saying no man is happy without blow jobs and your response is no man can be happy without anal.

I get that it was suppose to be sarcastic or witty or whatever you were going for, but you cant even compare the two sarcastically as they are leagues apart.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 19:16:12

In your opinion, which is precisely my point. You can't make sweeping judgements about things which are so varied and personal.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 19:30:46

EveMarieSaint - It's not an easy subject to broach...........it's on my Match.com profile...........still no takers...............perhaps I'm using the wrong kind of custard. grin

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 19:34:41

Fair enough. I don't agree with the statement no man alive would be happy without bjs but I would say the majority would prefer them to be included in their sex life. And if you are prepared to receive oral you should be prepared to give it.

As a bisexual female I have never had a partner who did not enjoy to give or receive oral. As a male OR female, if your partner does not enjoy to receive oral, then you are doing something wrong in my belief. A sex life that only includes PIV would be a incredibly boring and unsatisfying one for me. Oral sex and everything that comes with it can bring a beautiful connection/feeling.

But as is obvious here everyone has their own preferences, you just have to find someone with similar preferences to your own otherwise it will lead to dissatisfaction which may encroach into other areas of your relationship.

* Apologies to OP for thread hijack *

CarryOnDancing Sun 20-Jul-14 19:50:40

Everything Lweji said.

I also agree that it signifies sexual incompatibility but that's different from someone trying to coerce their partner into sexually satisfying them.

I would immediately write him off OP. If he could honestly still be turned on whilst you give him a blowjob and he knows you don't want to then he is disgusting and he doesn't care about you one bit. Not just sexually but he doesn't care about you at all, in any sense. There's just no way he could. Yet he still keeps trying to make you do it hmm that's all you need to know about this man.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 19:51:03

lasslancashire - Some women don't like having it done to them.

HumblePieMonster Sun 20-Jul-14 19:57:01

Well, if there isn't a man alive who would be happy without giving anal, there are a lot of men who are either unhappy or getting it away from home.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 19:59:12

But as is obvious here everyone has their own preferences,

But that doesn't appear to stop you making sweeping, offensive statements about what everyone else likes (or should like) based on your personal preferences.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 20:00:13

neil
For me I personally believe if your partner does not enjoy to receive it either means a) they have some self confidence issues with embarrassment or their body b) not comfortable with their partner or c)your doing it wrong.

It is usually C.

Of course there are some that just dislike it for no apparent or explained reason, but I would think they are in a small minority.

nooka Sun 20-Jul-14 20:02:18

Why are anal sex and oral sex leagues apart? They are both relatively common non PIV sexual practices that many people enjoy.

Also not sure why not liking oral means you only do PIV. I don't like oral and we do plenty of other things. My sex life might not be to your taste, but that doesn't mean it doesn't satisfy me.

nooka Sun 20-Jul-14 20:04:33

Oh and I am happy with both my body and my partner (and vice versa) could be doing it all wrong I suppose, never had any lessons in sex after all.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 20:05:55

It was option A. She found it invasive and felt uncomfortable having someone so up close and personal. It's a lot more common than I was led to believe.

FatalCabbage Sun 20-Jul-14 20:09:12

I don't enjoy receiving unless I'm stupidly, off the scale horny (and not much then). No substitute for PIV IMHO.

I don't enjoy giving because, well, essentially I was repeatedly orally raped. I have PTSD and don't need the exposure. It is very rare I can bear to have a penis anywhere near my face.

Telling me my very loving and supportive DH is secretly desperate for a BJ and really ought not to put up with my steadfast refusal ... is a fairly big insult.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 20:18:55

Telling me my very loving and supportive DH is secretly desperate for a BJ and really ought not to put up with my steadfast refusal ... is a fairly big insult

Well I am sure you are happy in your relationship and what some stranger on the internet says won't make a difference. I have got the intention to offend or upset anyone. Your situation is hardly the norm. I feel like your just looking for something to have a problem with.

My DP knows not to pull my hair because it happened to me when I was raped and brings me right back to the time/feeling. He may still have the desire to do so (he must like it as he initiated it that time) but wouldn't dream of doing it because of what happened to me. The same way your DP would not dream of asking for a BJ, he may still desire one but it is obvious it won't (and shouldn't) happen.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 20:22:29

Sorry: haven't got the intention to offend or upset*

rockpink Sun 20-Jul-14 20:25:01

Can someone tell me what PIV is please?

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 20:29:38

Basically the OP asked if she was wrong to refuse to take part in a sexual act she didn't want to do. Your opinion is "yes". Can we just leave it there?

(And hope that the OP takes a message from those of us reassuring her otherwise).

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 20:30:33

PIV= penis in vagine

OP, any sentence to do with sex that starts with "if you loved me you would..." is (or should be) a dealbreaker.

lasslancashire Sun 20-Jul-14 20:35:26

Your DP sounds immature and uncaring, even bordering on bullying behaviour. I don't think you can ever be comfortable with someone who treats you like that.

Is what I said to OP. Far, far away from saying 'yes you are wrong to not give you bully of BF a bj'

And yes I can just leave it there, can you? Somethings clearly upsetting you. You don't want to give your man a bj thats fine get on with it, I never said you or anyone else had to no matter how much you want to misquote me.

rainbowsmiles Sun 20-Jul-14 21:07:15

It sounds as though you are making your bj aversion worse with all this pressure. Why not just forget about it for a while and try and think positive thoughts about the whole bj thing. I'm not a big fan of the "get down on your knees bitch" type bj but as part of an intensely intimate sexual experience it can be amazing.

But if you don't want to then definitely do not do it. Unless he's a sicko he will not enjoy you giving him a bj if it is disgusting you.

similarly I think he is perfectly entitled to end the relationship if he feels he can't live without a blowy.

Vivacia Sun 20-Jul-14 21:15:54

It sounds as though you are making your bj aversion worse with all this pressure. Why not just forget about it for a while and try and think positive thoughts about the whole bj thing.

Do you think there are any clues, any at all, in her posts as to why that's not happening?

Scarletohello Sun 20-Jul-14 21:26:04

I am curious as to what the reasons are why the OP doesn't like giving bjs. If it's because of previous sexual abuse then I can totally understand it. Otherwise I'm at a bit of a loss. However no one should be forced to do something they're not comfortable with and the guy's reaction is selfish and insensitive.

I'll probably get flamed for this but a guy I know has a theory that unless you're willing to lick your partner's arsehole you're not really into them. Maybe TMI but I do know what he meant..! smile

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 21:29:45

Scarlet, that is a ridiculous measure of how much you think of someone.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 21:30:30

Your friend also sounds like a sexually coercive creep. I am surprised at you.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 20-Jul-14 21:43:25

I've never been willing to lick anyone's arsehole. Obviously I've never really been into anyone hmm

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 21:48:15

Scarletohello - Did he mean sexual partner or partner as in Marks and Spencer, Rolls and Royce or Holland and Barratt etc?

Scarletohello Sun 20-Jul-14 21:50:35

Sexual partner obvs!

Scarletohello Sun 20-Jul-14 21:51:55

Anyfucker but haven't you ever had that experience when you're so into someone sexually when you just kinda want to eat them all up..?

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 20-Jul-14 21:56:00

That is rubbish Scarlet.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 21:58:55

Scarlet, no not really

and if anyone said that to me I would run a fucking mile

I lick no one's arsehole (or anything else) unless I 100% want to, your friend is sayign that if you are really into someone you would whether you really wanted to or not

have a think about that

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:02:47

I don't want anyone to "eat me all up"

that sounds crazily possessive, like I am a fucking jam do-nut or summat

next time you want to "eat someone all up" get the fuck down to Gregg's

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:11:03

Nah, it's not that AF. She means the wild, uncontrollable stuff. As long as there's no manipulation or threats I don't see a problem.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:13:20

You don't see any manipulation in the phrase "if you don't lick my arsehole/give me a blowjob/cunni my lingus until I tell you to stop etc then you don't love me" ? confused

ScrambledEggAndToast Sun 20-Jul-14 22:14:28

Would you feel any better if he had just had a shower? The thought of a sweaty willy make me <boak> a bit. If you know it's nice and fresh then you may feel better. Overall though, never feel pressured into doing something you don't like doing.

Scarletohello Sun 20-Jul-14 22:15:00

It's just a point of view. Calm down folks! smile

And yes Neil that is what I meant.

( first time I've ever agreed with a man on MN..)

davrostheholy Sun 20-Jul-14 22:15:01

First of all: OP. She should not give in to blackmail, which is what her partner is doing. Emotional blackmail - and childish at that.

Secondly - I agree with Neil James - there are women out there that just don't like it done to them - there are blokes I know who cannot come from oral sex either (I find it difficult). My wife hates it being done to her - and always has. She's pretty experienced and not what you would call shy but she tells me she never ever enjoyed it. I am on my second marriage and had a few lovers in the past and love to give it. Previous partners loved it so I guess I am not "hopeless" at it. Still, the wife doesn't like it done to her and never has. I accept it and it's not on the agenda any more.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:22:56

I meant the deed itself AF. If 2 people get a kick out of it, no problem.
Obviously any kind of manipulation is wrong, whoever is doing it.

ChanelNo19 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:26:43

oh god at licking somebody's arsehole. fgs.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:27:34

Yes, neil, that is what I said if you read my posts properly

GirlWithTheLionHeart Sun 20-Jul-14 22:29:59

Shudder at licking a mans hairy arsehole, no thanks!

Jeez Louise.

neiljames77 Sun 20-Jul-14 22:32:26

But you didn't read mine properly, AF!! smile

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:44:55

It doesn't matter whether I did or didn't, neil, since I wasn't picking yours up in the first instance.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:45:32

err, hellooo, women have hairy arseholes too smile

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jul-14 22:49:51

next time you want to "eat someone all up" get the fuck down to Gregg's

Wtf do they sell in your local Greggs, AF?!

grin

Anniegetyourgun Sun 20-Jul-14 22:49:58

What's all this with people who think it is weird and horrible not to enjoy oral sex? It seems to be pretty popular at the moment, to be fair, but the idea that someone must be damaged or perverted to dislike it is about as daft as... well, as the idea that someone must be damaged or perverted to like it. I wouldn't be surprised if in a generation it became unfashionable and the majority would be going "You put it where? Ewww!" when some blushing OP would admit to actually enjoying it (while there'd be a huge number of lurkers who enjoyed it too but didn't feel able to say so). And then swing back again the generation after. But the actual number who do it (or anal, or any other variations on the theme) is likely to be broadly the same. And it won't be everybody.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:52:18

Pobble grin

it's just a turn of phrase. I think I just coined a new one...

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 22:53:41

Indeed Annie. The "wtf is wrong with you to not enjoy X, Y, or Z" are a coercion in and of themselves, aren't they ?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 20-Jul-14 22:59:23

Of course they are, AF. I'm inexorably reminded of the horrid little children in my primary school going "you're MAD" if you liked something they didn't (eg the skin on rice pudding) or didn't like something they did (eg a particular pop group). I used to assume they'd grow up and learn less blinkered attitudes, but maybe a lot of them didn't...

Anyway, this thread has been enlightening; I have now discovered why arsehole waxing has apparently become a "thing". Ignorance is sometimes bliss.

ChanelNo19 Sun 20-Jul-14 23:03:47

and bleaching too apparently.

SOme people try very hard to be appealing.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 23:08:04

I wonder how long it is until people start displaying their bleached and waxed arseholes in public as a sign of sexual attractiveness/availability, like monkeys do < shudder >

I'll have a glazed do-nut please, thank you very much

lavenderhoney Sun 20-Jul-14 23:32:14

There are special footstools in Italian medieval history ( any probably still used today) that people used to kneel up on to allow their partner to er, lick them. People often used communal loos at balls as well.

Waxing as we know it today, wasn't prevalent then, but honey was often used to remove unwanted hair, using banana paper or bandages. Sandpaper too, and pumice stones.

But, op, if he wants a bj and you don't want to, and he shouts at you and you fight, its time to leave. I wouldn't be doing that to anyone who shouted at me and insisted.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 23:35:30

Every day's a school day smile

Anniegetyourgun Sun 20-Jul-14 23:48:27

After that post I shall never look on glazed do-nuts quite the same way again.

I sense a book opportunity: "50 things to do with a sausage roll when you're bored (and not hungry)"

AnyFucker Sun 20-Jul-14 23:56:55

grin

lavenderhoney Mon 21-Jul-14 00:07:00

Oh , yes, bleaching of hairless bottoms is very popular. A rather startled friend of mine told me so after his move to LA.

He's really fussy now, after years of dating - whereas before, he would have just been ecstatic they dropped their pants and not noticed if they were sporting what resembled a Scottie dog between their thighs - Now he calls and moans about personal groomingsmile

I tell him not to be a twatsmile

rainbowsmiles Mon 21-Jul-14 00:09:17

What I don't get is how you can be in the middle of the intimate all consuming sex and think "ewww" about your partners body or any part of it. I can see it when it's like a porno idea of sex, you know -suck it bitch etc - the sex by numbers type sex? But when your in that zone, when the mind body connection happens, when your bodies almost become one, well the idea that I would be considering his penis as a "ewwww" in the middle of that is just something I can't understand.

and I wonder whether this is what people mean when they say if you don't like it it might be the match isn't right. Is it the absence of this truly intimate abandoning of yourself to the other which allows you to consider the penis as a "ewwww"?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 00:13:09

just because you "don't get it" doesn't make it wrong

there may be very good reasons why an individual is ok with some sexual acts and not others

damaging childhood experiences, past abuse for example

every person has a right to decide what they are comfortable with, and what they are not...it doesn't have to be "understandable" to randommers on the internet

lavenderhoney Mon 21-Jul-14 00:15:39

Rainbows, I suspect the op isn't in the zone to start with.

She might be with someone else though.

ChanelNo19 Mon 21-Jul-14 00:16:05

lavenderhoney, does he wax and bleach off all his own pubic hair.

ouryve Mon 21-Jul-14 00:17:39

If you find it physically repugnant and he goes into a strop, then he is the one in the wrong. Sex should never involve something that you don't want to do.

ouryve Mon 21-Jul-14 00:18:49

Of course, there's always the option of vomiting all over his cock.

ouryve Mon 21-Jul-14 00:26:28

Scarlet - that guy you know is a rancid twatwaffle. HTH.

rainbowsmiles Mon 21-Jul-14 00:31:28

I should have said - excluding past sexual abuse - of course I get that.

nooka Mon 21-Jul-14 02:33:30

I don't think that the OP said she thought her partner's penis was disgusting, just the idea of putting it into her mouth, or possibly having him cum in her mouth. Personally I find the later fairly disgusting because it tastes foul to me. If I think it's gross on the sheets I don't know why I should think 'yummy' about swallowing it!

Some people love doing it and that's great. The OP and I (and I'm sure plenty of other people) don't enjoy it and don't want to do it. It really shouldn't be a big deal. My dislike has nothing to do with bad experiences, I've never been abused in that way and I love and find my dh sexy. Just not his penis in my mouth for more than a couple of minutes. To be completely honest because I think it's quite boring. As it's not his cup of tea it's not an issue, but even if he thought it was fantastic I don't think I should have to claim some great trauma to be able to say sorry, not going to happen.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:07:50

I agree with that too, nooka

If you don't want to do it, then don't. The end.

SimonCurtis Mon 21-Jul-14 09:46:35

Most girls who have given me blow jobs have not done it before and at first they don't like it. It's an acquired taste like whisky. After a while they love it and even tell me it turns them on. I think it's a natural part of sex. I asked one (who was more experienced) how come she likes doing it (because I am repulsed by the idea myself!) -and she asked me if I enjoy giving it to girls (which I really do) - so she just said it's the same for her.
You just got to both be nice and clean and fresh and smell good then it just feels so natural.
But you never bully someone into it - they got to find ways to encourage you to try it.
Hope this helps!

EveMarieSaint Mon 21-Jul-14 10:00:45

Most girls who have given me blow jobs have not done it before and at first they don't like it. It's an acquired taste like whisky. After a while they love it and even tell me it turns them on.

You sound quite sinister.

Lweji Mon 21-Jul-14 10:08:34

But you never bully someone into it - they got to find ways to encourage you to try it.
Of course.
Although too much encouragement can easily be felt as bullying.

Personally, I can enjoy doing it when it's my idea, but I don't feel so keen if someone asks me to do it, even worse if someone tells me to do it.

pinkyredrose Mon 21-Jul-14 10:09:14

simon where do you find all these girls who haven't done it before? Are they very young?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 10:14:59

creep alert

GirlWithTheLionHeart Mon 21-Jul-14 11:08:01

It tastes like bleach, no woman likes the taste, they prob tolerate it because they are under pressure to

Anniegetyourgun Mon 21-Jul-14 11:19:58

I wish you hadn't said that, GirlWithTheLionHeart - it's just begging for 259 responses telling you how much they love the taste. Or adverts for strawberry condoms.

thenightsky Mon 21-Jul-14 11:20:30

Even the most well washed willy has a smell that ain't great and makes me boak if I breath through my nose.

lasslancashire Mon 21-Jul-14 11:32:31

So many sweeping statements on both sides here 'no man is happy without bjs' 'no woman likes the taste but tolerate it cause they are under pressure.'

GWTLH Just for clarification I never give blowys or swallow because I feel 'under pressure.' I do it because I want to, my partner enjoys it, it turns me on and I like to give him pleasure. The taste wouldn't be my beverage of choice but it is hardly stomach turning. And if your bloke 'tastes like bleach' you need to get him down the doctors asap.

Even the most well washed willy has a smell that ain't great and makes me boak if I breath through my nose.
I've smelt a few wiffy ones in my time but a truly well washed willy, fresh out of the shower should have no smell at all (and I have an incredibly sensitive nose).

Actually I get the bleach thing. Not as strong obviously. It's a sulphur type smell.

Anyway, surely the bottom line is don't do it if you don't want to, but if there are other issues which may lead to your extreme dislike of this, then they need addressing.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Mon 21-Jul-14 14:13:14

lass don't get me wrong, I love giving a good bj but the taste...no one likes it. I think women taste better, definitely.

They do. Definitely

lasslancashire Mon 21-Jul-14 14:58:48

Yes agree that women taste better but they should really when you think about it. You have to 'taste' a woman throughout the act where as with a man, it's just at the very end of the deed. However an unclean woman tastes much worse than an unclean man.

But still I have to refute no one likes it. I don't LOVE the taste, but a mouthful of come is a very satisfying feeling and I like it cause it's all part of the experience.

Think I can safely say I am in TMI territory here.

Minime85 Mon 21-Jul-14 16:01:10

This thread is reminding me of the one that had the dolmio comment on. I still can't get that image out of my head now.

LurcioAgain Mon 21-Jul-14 16:39:42

Except that the dolmio day one was genuinely funny whereas some of the responses on this one are borderline (or indeed way over the border) creepy. If someone says "On the whole I like sex but I really don't like specific act X" there is one and only one appropriate response and that response is: "fair enough everyone's different."

(The dolmio one was funny because no one's partner was being coerced into it - there were a few women whose partners liked to and they liked being on the receiving end and the rest of us were fairly evenly split between "ewww" and " you lucky lucky cow!!!")

Picklepest Mon 21-Jul-14 16:45:33

Funny I'd have thought in a relationship there was more give and take. I'm by no means suggesting you should expect to have to do every time, but perhaps a few times just as part of everything else. Is there anything you like he's less keen in? If he still does, albeit very occasionally, just because he knows that you like it id call that 'normal'.

Depends I guess on your relationship as a total and really only you can answer it.

Gatekeeper Mon 21-Jul-14 16:53:24

what was the dolmio comment?

neiljames77 Mon 21-Jul-14 16:55:25

It was a man who said "yes".
Or was that the man from Del Monte?

LurcioAgain Mon 21-Jul-14 17:17:04

Okay, let's try an analogy. I love opera. My last long term partner didn't. He came once to see if he liked it and didn't. Did I badger him? Did I whine "you would if you loved me"? Did I stomp and say "it's a deal-breaker"? No - because there was plenty of other stuff - gigs, cinema, country walks, reading the Sunday papers over a long leisurely breakfast and talking politics, etc. etc. - we enjoyed mutually.

Why should sex be different? Surely there's a range of things they both like... So why all this emphasis on one lone act out of many? Sex (above all other things) is an area where "no" trumps "yes" every single time, because anything else is sexual abuse, plain and simple.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Mon 21-Jul-14 17:58:12

Because people like getting head so why should they never get it for the rest of their lives? Life's too fucking short not too smile

If my partner tomorrow said I won't ever give you oral sex again I would have to consider my options because its important to me, and he has a right not to do it either.

EveMarieSaint Mon 21-Jul-14 18:01:09

"Life's too fucking short not to get head."

You should put that on a t-shirt.

GirlWithTheLionHeart Mon 21-Jul-14 18:06:11

Haha grin

Minime85 Mon 21-Jul-14 18:06:53

Lurcio I agree. The things about bleach and people leaving a relationship all because of oral sex etc. The thread just seems to be going in the same way with very strange comments is what I meant. No offence intended.

I think he is allowed to want it. She is allowed not to want to do it. If that is the breaking point of the relationship then I guess so be it.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 18:11:37

I prefer this t-shirt slogan: "(Go) down with sexual coercion" wink

LurcioAgain Mon 21-Jul-14 18:15:16

And it could be that it's the breaking point because of other issues which this is merely a symptom of. My last partner pretty much limited himself going down on me... not because he loved doing it, but because he was absolutely shit scared of getting me pregnant. Now, I like it as part of a varied diet, as it were... but as the only activity, and driven by an almost pathological fear of me getting pregnant - not so good. I really started to crave a bit of good old PIV (and the fling I had after we broke up fortunately supplied that need and confirmed that it had mattered to me). But it wasn't the lack alone that mattered, it was the "why" - it underlined a pretty fundamental incompatibility because I did want children, and underlined a massive lack of trust - because despite wanting children, I would not have messed around with contraception, and would have taken teh MAP had contraception failed. And - turning that scenario round - in OP's case it's not that he wants it that's the problem, it's the way he's setting about it, guilt tripping and putting pressure on her and whining...

Minime85 Mon 21-Jul-14 18:21:49

Lurcio again I agree entirely. No one should be made to feel inadequate or guilty for not wanted to so something.

In essence that's how I lost my virginity because my then bf told me if I loved him I would and I was a naive pressured 16 yr old. I was foolish.

Op I hope you are ok.

LurcioAgain Mon 21-Jul-14 18:23:42

I want a t-shirt with a Jackie Flemming cartoon on... the one with the man lying on the bed sulking and saying "you would if you loved me," and the woman sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to him saying, "Well, thank God I don't then."

Sorry to hear about your experience, Minime.

EveMarieSaint Mon 21-Jul-14 18:33:10

Haha Lurcio

halfwildlingwoman Mon 21-Jul-14 20:38:37

Sorry, but 'get the fuck to Greggs' has me really giggling here!
Suddenly feeling very guilty and planning to ravish DH with lots of oral sex when he gets home. Clearly I have failed in my duties as a partner recently.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 20:41:52

A t-shirt with "Get the Fuck to Greggs" ? grin

chaseface Mon 21-Jul-14 20:52:41

To repeat the common consensus, he's an unreasonable sod for sulking but I could not stay with a partner who was disgusted by me.

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