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Pathetic crush and now I feel like a fool

(92 Posts)
oliveoliveolive Thu 10-Jul-14 23:37:02

I've name changed, not sure what I'm looking for here really but probably just sympathy.

I split up from my ex a few months ago with whom I have a dd - the split was amicable enough.

Post-split I made friends with a lovely guy who I'd previously known about from mutual friends but had never really spoken to him iyswim.

Anyways, we got talking and became fast friends within these few months so much so that we spoke every day and met up frequently on a strictly platonic basis (though I always thought I sensed something more than platonic). There was a bit of flirting but nothing was ever really said apart from how we cared about one another a lot etc and just laughing at how important we are to each other and how it's amazing we hadn't met sooner. He really does seem in awe of our friendship as am I - I won't go into detail but we have in common a few personal matters which until now neither of us had found in other people. We have the same sense of humour and just get on.

So recently I've accepted that I'm ready for a new relationship (to be fair I have been for a few weeks if not longer) and that my feelings for this man go beyond just platonic - he's suffered some personal tragedies this month and it's all been a bit draining for him, I've been there to support him through this and grown even closer to him. He really is a lovely guy and we really do 'click' together well, even mutual friends have said there is an obvious spark.

But then today he asked for my input on how to proceed with things in relation to a colleague he rather fancies - apparently I'm his only female friend and just 'knew' I would have good advice.

I have been friendzoned and it is shit.

I feel pathetic and mortified at the thought of actually having told him my feelings and then finding out he fancies someone else.

Going nc or anything with him is out of the question because he really is a great guy and a wonderful friend but I'm not sure how I feel about seeing him dating someone else if things with his colleague or someone else work out. I feel quite devastated to be honest and not just because he likes someone else but because this 'spark' or chemistry we had is one I've never really felt before. We both recognised that we get along so well etc so I'm quite stumped as to why he never saw a romantic potential in what we currently have. If a man and a woman find a connection between themselves that is clearly strong then why did a romantic prospect only enter my mind, why not his?

mrsjavierbardem Thu 10-Jul-14 23:44:04

I think what another person feels and wants can be a total mystery.

I think what is more relevant is that you are so recently out of another relationship. You may be still just full of the issues from that maybe without realising it?

I would say, lucky you, because if you'd become intimate with this guy it might have floundered as it was too soon and you might have lost him.

I'd say well done for not showing your hand. Play the long game. There is a lot to be said for friendship turning into love.

I believe you need to become a habit of his and then see what happens. Don't give up but be shrewd, keep him as a mate, Or I would, I think you have everything to gain!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 10-Jul-14 23:48:29

I'm sorry that you feel sad. I think he's letting you down gently. If he were interested, he would have responded in kind when you told him how you felt. He doesn't feel the same way and that's ok, albeit it's painful for you. He's been a bit clumsy; asking for your advice about another woman he supposedly has a crush on - it tells you loud and clear that he doesn't see you that way but it's not a very tactful way of dealing with the problem.

The sparks that your friends saw are obviously 'friendship sparks' and they would like to see you happy, know that you wanted more than friendship with him, so joined-up-the-dots and saw what they wanted to.

I think the only way to handle this is to DO 'bright and breezy', make no more mention of your feelings for him and slowly find other friends to also socialise with. The sad thing is that you'll probably not be able to go back to the innocence of friendship with this man now so you have a choice - either take it on the chin and fake it until you can establish a 'new', genuine friendship with him - or remove yourself. Tough choice, I know. I think the first one is better if you really feel that you have a friendship there and can handle it but nobody would blame you if you couldn't.

TheCraicDealer Thu 10-Jul-14 23:48:36

Maybe he's been hankering after the colleague for a long time, well before he met you. Maybe he knew you'd just split up from a LT relationship and so never saw you as a potential girlfriend. Maybe he's trying to prompt a reaction. Maybe....we could literally do this all night.

My colleague and I get along in a very similar way- we are very very close and i do think there's a 'spark' there, but not in a sexual way. I just don't fancy him. You can really connect with someone in a platonic way; some people are just suited and get along like a house on fire without wanting to shag the life out of each other.

You'll never know categorically why he doesn't want to take things further unless you ask him. You could bring it up, something along the lines of, "Don't you ever think it's funny we never got together?", then if he gets all shirty you can make it into a joke. But, if it's one thing I've learnt about men (and it's not much), if they're interested you'll know. It might be best just to try and chill out, maybe dip your toe in the wider dating pool again and try to maintain a friendship with him. Maybe you're finding yourself attracted to him because he's 'there' and seemingly available. He's like the Barrett Homes house that's ready to move into, when maybe what you need right now is to see what else is out there.

SaVred Thu 10-Jul-14 23:53:19

oh it's terrible, and you're not the only person it happens to. I've been there a few times, feeling that there is such a real connection, and there is, but only as friends, and he's looking over my shoulder at the 25 year old standing behind me.

Well not that extreme perhaps but you get the picture.

My mistake in the past was to continue to offer the friendship.

Looking back I can see now that there would have been dignity in saying 'you know I think you see me as a friend, but I see you as more than that'.

And if nothing came from it, I would withdraw.

Certainly if that happens to me again............... I will do that. It is torture, the unrequited stuff, don't know if I'd said 'love' because it might not have been, but not easy.

oliveoliveolive Thu 10-Jul-14 23:54:40

Thanks mrsjavier - whilst I don't think I'm still harbouring issues or feelings from my previous relationship (we broke up a few months ago but he'd been living separately for over a year) I completely agree with not having become intimate or anything when things were still a bit raw. I just feel 'ready' now though and realise I have for a while.

I'm definitely going to continue with this friendship and hope he may realise at some point that maybe we could be more than friends or something. It just feels a bit shit because until today I was still at a stage where I felt a bit jittery about 'us' and the whole 'does he like me' thing was quite exciting. The flirting was there, the eye contact was there, the lingering touches were there and yet, I'm dishing out relationship advice it seems. Sigh..

SaVred Thu 10-Jul-14 23:57:06

oh sorry, I missed that you'd told him how you felt before he told you about the colleague.

I think he's trying to draw the lines there. sorry.

Honestly you might think I'm a bitch but don't spend hours "every day" supporting a male friend that you've feelings for. It will sap your confidence. Take a step back. Maybe a tactic could be to make him miss you. It probably won't work but it's worht one try.

TheCraicDealer Fri 11-Jul-14 00:00:53

I'm telling you now- that is a bad plan. If you keep seeing him and hoping against hope that he'll change his mind, you'll end up ignoring every other man in your path because "he's not x". I have been there!

If you're going to keep seeing him, listen to what he's telling you. He's looking for a relationship, but not with you. Do you want to be his Dr Phil? No, because it's shit and boring and it'll break your heart. Disengage immediately.

I don't mean to be harsh and I promise irl I would be delivering these words with some tea and an awkward pat on the back.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:03:13

LyingWitchintheWardrobe - I didn't actually tell him how I felt, not once did I even let it slip that I liked him romantically. We both did acknowledge how much we cared about each other and how I'd become so important to him with his own prompting but we never speak about us romantically.

TheCraicDealer - I think you are right about needing to dip my toes into dating other people. I have spoken to other men prior to me developing this crush but since the crush I guess I retreated from OD. I think I need to venture out again.

SaVred - it's horrible isn't it? I feel a bit of a fool at the moment and yet I can't help but think there was 'something' there..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 11-Jul-14 00:05:23

Apologies, Olive, I read it that you had told him. However... I think he's picked up on it anyway, interpreted it correctly - and panicked into thinking up a diversion that is 'painless'. He's got it wrong.

CraicDealer has it spot on, I think.

... and there are many more men out there for you.

If you like and care about this man, back off. He doesn't fancy you. That doesn't make him a bad person, nor does it make you undesirable, it's just that he doesn't desire you. Don't hang around him hoping he will suddenly realise that you are The One For Him. Youre not, because he doesn't fancy you, and hanging around hopefully will make you look and feel foolish and is also an unfair burden to put on a friend. He doesn't owe you love, sex, or romance, and it's very stressful to be the recipient of someone's unwanted lust/love.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 11-Jul-14 00:08:16

... as does SGB, nail-on-head right there.

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:10:38

I wonder if I feel that spark/connection partly because it's a compatibility thing, which makes me feel SAFE, but safe is not what men are looking for.....

confused

Once before, I spent years hoping a man would change his mind about me, as I found his attractive, funny, we shared the same sense of humour, but could both be serious about the same things, he was just really good company and I never got tired of being with him. He actually married a woman that was like me in looks but if anything a bit heavier (and I wasn't exactly fat but I used to think 'am i too fat?' si\e ten to 12 of course. but you know what destructive thoughts this situation can come about. Anyway, I knew from his friend that this woman that he loved 'that way' was really introverted. I just didn't get it. I don't care at all now. But trying to understand it was hard, and i couldn't figure out if it was arrogance that I did find it so hard to understand.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:13:28

I agree, I think he probably has picked it up but then I thought I'd picked up that he likes me too. I'm actually not very obvious with my feelings in general but my constant support and presence I guess could have indicated as much.

I do enjoy our friendship though - we've been abroad twice now with other friends and plan on going again soon so not seeing him is difficult because we have the next couple of months mapped out! But these opportunities are great for meeting new people so I'm looking forward to it all

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:15:59

olive, just before you back off, is it possible taht you are so terrified of making a fool of yourself that despite telling him you care about him you have been so careful to never let slip that you are attracted to him that he believes that you are NOT attracted to him.

My experience left me with such a terror of being humiliated and rejected (as I felt I had been, on an ongoing basis really) that now if I'm attracted to somebody they'd have to be colombo to figure it out.

if this is not possible, then revert to sgb's post!

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:18:31

tell him, "if it works out with you and the colleague, I'll miss you" and then guage his reaction. ask him "woudl you be at all jealous if I got a boyfriend now?" as that is basically saying the same thing as 'i'd be hurt if you got a gf because I like you' but I think it's not as bad is it? in terms of putting cards on the table and then possibly feeling stupid later.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:20:37

SaVred - I agree about the safe thing; we've both been able to be vulnerable in front of each other and that in itself has brought a sense of comfort and connection that he perhaps doesn't associate with being more than platonic.

I also think, from looking at his exes, that I might not be his 'type'. Now I'm not 'unattractive' but the kind of look that his exes have and the one that I have are very different I think. He may have never even begun this friendship with any attraction on his part and so I was never going to be seen as a potential romantic partner perhaps

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:23:51

yes, attraction grows for women (generalisation that SGB probably won't let me away with) but perhaps for men they just make a snap judgement in the first five seconds of meeting you. I hope that isn't true as I type it.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:25:15

SaVred - he did broach the subject twice before rather tentatively; the first time asking what I looked for in a potential boyfriend and the second time he asked me how I would interpret our friendship. Being so used to being quite guarded with my feelings I shut the conversation down quite nervously though I was never sure what direction they were headed towards. He did look crestfallen when I did this but I was honestly at that point confused about my own feelings.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:27:05

Plus I didn't know if he was asking out of general interest - the first to perhaps set me up with a friend or something and the second because at that time we were growing so close. So I never anticipated that this could have been his way to approach the subject so I changed the subject and the focus rather quickly...

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:31:53

wow. What do you look for in a boyfriend? I think he was hoping you'd say 'somebody like you'.

I think you've cocked it up !!! but I say that only because it could be salvageable.

You actually sound very like me in your approach to these things. Ie, you can form strong relationships with men but the 'terms and conditions' are confusing!

I think you should make yourself say somethign out loud. Have a glass of wine. Tell him you'd envy his gf if he got one.

if he tells you it didn't work out. say "well i'm relieved because i'm right for you''.

Honestly think the situation is way too premature for sgb's advice.

You've gone and done a 'me'. You have protected yourself from the possibility of potential rejection well done, your dignity will keep you company instead! (I'm joking, and only cos I've said it to myself with rolled eyes). I wish I could change. Maybe I will/can,

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:33:46

i wouldn't care what 95% of men looked for in a girlfriend. A man I was interested in, I'd wonder what he wanted from a gf.

is it the same for men? I imagine they wouldn't give a second thought to what women they've no romantic interest in look for in a boyfriend.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:36:31

I completely agree - I can be like that and I know from past experience because an old friend, pre-dating my ex and our dd told me that he'd always liked me but I had a tendency to skirt around admitting anything. I am stupidly guarded about things like that, I've told this man things I've never told anyone and yet when it comes to 'us' I've forced the conversation to center on how much I care about him and that's it..

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:37:54

Yes I thought that too, but then I also thought maybe he wanted to set me up with a friend or something iyswim rather than asking for himself

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:40:56

I should mention that whilst asking me this we were playing footsie under the table - we've only done that twice, the second time I kicked him in the shin by accident...

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:41:35

oh no, oh no. Men don't think like that! Oh I'm going to sabotage my great friendship by fixing you up romantically with my mate.

Please please risk hinting at your feelings. Start with 'id be quite sad if you got a gf to be honest'

and then write out a list of 'admissions' on paper, so that you know how MUCH you want to put on the table depending on what he says next.

Just to have it in your head. Because there's no point telling you to tell him " i regret shutting down that conversation we nearly had a while back because I wasn't ready for it then, but I am now, and I worry I might have lost you when I hear you talk about your colleage"

too much!?!? rome wasn't built in a day. Do put a card on the table though and come back and tell me how it panned out

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 11-Jul-14 00:42:37

Oh for christsake - massive drip feed OP! grin CLEARLY HE WANTS YOU!

You need to say something like - 'Felt really awkward the other day talking about you liking x. Made me realise maybe I'd thought something might develop between us.' (Keep lots of maybes in there) and play it by ear.

Go for it!

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 00:46:52

No don't go for it. If he wanted you then he would say so. He's "sounding" out a relationship and not with you.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 00:47:33

I realise that was a terrible drip feed! I often don't know what is relevant because yes context is important but we've always been quite playful and after today I wasn't even sure if it was flirting or just messing around..

SaVred I love the conversation starter but I fear after 'I regret' it'll just turn into 'sidhgdffg' with my nerves and inability to express my feelings!

I may need to take the plunge before it's too late, I'm just scared and anxious whether I've got it all wrong or whether there is something there..

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 00:51:26

There is something there, its called friendship or rebound, whatever you wish to call it but I personally wouldn't go there. If he wanted a relationship with you, we aren't in kindergarten, he's an adult, not a child and he's not sending out mixed signals. He asked you about another female!

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 00:52:44

Actually I retract the "friendship" bit. He's testing his prowess with you to see how attractive he is.

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 00:54:42

just say it. if his reaction is sheer horror (which I don't think it will be) then ahve something ready to lob in to the conversation to rescue the awkwardness (i'm clearly a veteran of this type of torture).

"remember that conversation we nearly had, about what we'd look for in a boyfriend or in a girlfriend? well I shut that down because I wasn't ready for it then but I am now".

count to five in your head. AT least five. ONe mississippi, two mississippi etc.

Then if the silence is a chasm, say "my grandma put £50 on germany to win, 13 to 1".

Or something like that that throws everybody a float if it's needed.

But honestly, i don't think you are barking up the wrong tree here.

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 01:00:25

This isn't a romance film you know. It doesn't work like that in real life. If a guy fancies you then you really don't need to wonder about it. If you have to "wonder" about it then he doesn't. Its very simple.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:02:47

Looking back I don't think I'm barking up the wrong tree either, this one comment has really thrown me because asides from that, I thought we were slowly heading towards 'something'.

Tinks42 he looks like Ryan Gosling and has a six-pack. He's a few years older than me, early 30s and I'm sure he knows how attractive he is!

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 01:06:54

Ok... think you just got the wrong end of the stick here again OP. I said that if he really fancied you then you would know about it? He's playing with you. Now due to you next message I definitely know he is.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:12:58

I don't think he's 'playing' me Tinks, yes he is good looking but he's not an arse. He's genuinely a really nice guy and a really good friend - he travelled down 5 hours from where he was a while back when I was going through a breakdown just to support me as he was away from work. He's a good guy but perhaps just sees me as a best friend. I don't even know anymore...

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:13:26

*for work

AGnu Fri 11-Jul-14 01:16:08

This sounds just like me & my friend many years ago. We were really close but I was convinced he wasn't interested so went overboard trying to reassure him that I was happy just being friends. I found out later that he was interested & our mutual close friend hadn't just been telling me to say something to shut me up about him but because she wanted us to both stop whining to her about each other! blush

I've replayed every scenario in my head so many times... If I were you I'd bring it up in a casual way. Maybe something like reminding him of the conversation about what you look for & ask if there was a reason he was asking - does he know someone who might be interested because you think you might be ready to start dating if it's someone you can trust... If he asks what you look for again, just describe your favourite things about him... With plenty of emphasis on how you think the best romantic relationships evolve from strong friendships... While playing footsie... grin

Tinks42 Fri 11-Jul-14 01:19:33

im going to be very blunt here and tell you that you already know how he see's you. It's not in a romantic way. Stop wasting your energy. Put that into getting better.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 01:21:20

He's away for work at the moment and so I won't be seeing him for the next few weeks but I will try and bring the subject up again in the right circumstances. If I can muster the courage. I still speak to him daily but I think this requires face to face interaction..

inicio Fri 11-Jul-14 06:12:18

Please ignore tinks42, their advice is crap and appears to be based on some idea that men are not capable of the same fears of rejection and humiliation and ability to mask their true feelings that women are.

Inertia Fri 11-Jul-14 06:36:12

I think there's a fair possibility that he's asking you for advice about another woman as a test of how uou react, and whether that prompts you into admitting any kind of romantic feelings for him. It seems that he has tried to open that door a couple of times already, so he might be trying to gauge whether to try again with you , or establish that you're not interested.

If you are already quite open and have a trusting relationship, I would think about telling him that you can't advise him about a relationship with another woman because of your own feelings. If he responds by opening up a dialogue about that then you'll need to let down your guard a bit. If he responds by going on about how colleague is the best thing since sliced bread then you have your answer.

MuttonCadet Fri 11-Jul-14 06:57:11

I was in a very similar situation, very close male friend who I had supported through some emotional stuff asked me for advice on a colleague.

I advised that she wasn't right for him, and made it clear who I thought was smile we've been married 2 years.

WildBillfemale Fri 11-Jul-14 07:15:49

*I'm telling you now- that is a bad plan. If you keep seeing him and hoping against hope that he'll change his mind, you'll end up ignoring every other man in your path because "he's not x". I have been there!

If you're going to keep seeing him, listen to what he's telling you. He's looking for a relationship, but not with you. Do you want to be his Dr Phil? No, because it's shit and boring and it'll break your heart. Disengage immediately.

I don't mean to be harsh and I promise irl I would be delivering these words with some tea and an awkward pat on the back*

Agree with this because I have a friend who has been in exactly the same position as you OP and has been for YEARS! She's put her life on hold hoping the friend will change his mind but it's not happening.

Maybe you should be honest with your friend and tell him you have feelings for him other than friendship so aren't the best person to advise him on other women?

I think you should distance yourself, look to date others. If what you have is worth hanging on to this man may realise you are slipping away and come after you - don't count on it though, I do think men let you know when they are interested romantically and that doesn't seem to be happeneing..........don't hang around waiting in the wings.

1FluffyJumper Fri 11-Jul-14 08:04:57

I would def ask him!
If he says he's interested - great!
If he says he's not interested, you are going to prob want to phase him out anyway cos seeing him date other people could be pretty torturous!
You don't stand to lose anything just by asking.

kaykayblue Fri 11-Jul-14 08:33:27

He sounds weird.

I don't think he deliberately "friend zoned" you (and that is possibly my least favourite expression ever - people are allowed to want to just be friends. There is not obligation for them to want to date you!!), I just think he saw you in a different light.

If he gets together with this other girl, be honest with him and tell him you really enjoyed being friends with him, and you wish him all the luck for the future, but it's a little painful for you to see him dating another woman". Then leave it at that. Don't get dragged into a big discussion about why or what or how. Just go for a clean break.

Otherwise you are going to get bogged down in so much fucking bitchy drama between you and his girlfriend, and heartbreak over seeing him with her.

THERE'S NO POINT!!

fishdishwish Fri 11-Jul-14 08:49:26

kaykayblue, that middle paragraph sounds like a précis of Dolly's I Will Always Love You!

I'm a bloke, and I've found myself in this situation quite a few times over the years (as the one with the crush). I'm extraordinarily crap at showing my hand (due to a lot of a bad rejections as a teenager), usually because I've been afraid of torpedoing the relationship completely and losing someone's friendship.

The sad truth is, though, that you can waste a lifetime hoping someone will change their feelings towards you. People develop and grow, sure but the Hollywood-style 'lightbulb' moment seldom happens in real-life, I guess.

upupupandaway Fri 11-Jul-14 09:45:43

I honestly think you should tell him how you feel. There is a small chance that he's testing the water by telling you about this colleague; in the hope you will make the first move.
I don't think you will make a fool of yourself; even if he tells you the feeling isn't mutual. Do you want to really want to spend the next year/ decade wondering if he was " the one who got away"?
Better to lay your cards on the table now.

Seriouslyffs Fri 11-Jul-14 09:56:27

If you tell him how you feel and he doesn't feel the same, you might lose a friend. The friendship is unlikely to continue this strongly anyway. If you tell him how you feel and he feels the same, the coast is clear to start a relationship.
Don't hang around hoping he'll notice you 'that way' it'll do your head in and could stimy any other possible relationships.
Be brave!

Knackeredmum13 Fri 11-Jul-14 10:08:01

I think you should tell him how you feel. It sounds to me like he does like you but you've indicated that you don't feel the same by shutting down whenever he has tried to talk to you.

He may have brought up the colleague as a final pugs to try and get a reaction from you to see whether you do like him in that way. Or he may just have started looking elsewhere because you've convinced him that you just want to flirt with him and nothing more. Don't sit back and watch him start a relationship with someone else because you've not made your feelings for him clear.

Knackeredmum13 Fri 11-Jul-14 10:08:23

Push not pugs!!

kaykayblue Fri 11-Jul-14 10:46:42

fishdishwish - do love me a bit of Dolly!

ChelsyHandy Fri 11-Jul-14 11:29:03

Are you sure the colleague he fancies isn't you?

upupupandaway Fri 11-Jul-14 12:11:48

I have an inkling he does. It's very difficult for both men and women to make the first move on someone they like. If you feel that you have chemistry there is usually a good reason for this, it means that you are on the same wavelength. I agree with a previous poster who said that even if he doesn't feel the same way your friendship will not be sustainable. You really have nothing to lose.
A simple letter would be best, nothing too heavy, or send him an email .

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 14:25:13

Thank you all for your responses and input.

ChelsyHandy - I don't think I'm the colleague, the advice he asked for was quite specific and wouldn't match up to 'us' iyswim

I think there definitely is 'something' there, and it goes beyond just being a platonic friendship but I think for one reason or another he's not made a concrete move and neither have I. I do feel we both have to an extent skirted around this and at times it has felt like the elephant in the room. This is the main reason why him asking for advice was to out of the blue yesterday, I think I rather naively expected something to just develop organically (all previous relationships of mine have to an extent come out from friendships, albeit with more of an assertive approach being taken by my exes).

I think I'm going to have to bring the subject up somehow when he's back, I don't think it's healthy to have this hanging over my head and perhaps his too.

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 14:30:46

*so

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 18:04:19

Maybe that was his way of letting you know he won't wait for you forever which is not totally unreasonable.

Don't pay any attention to tinks. Normally I'd be the first to tell somebody to get back on to planet earth and stop chasing a man, but in this situation you have a real relationship (based on friendship) and he asked you what you look for in a boyfriend whilst attempting to play footsie with you under the table and you kicked him by accident! ha ha! it's no wonder the guy isn't taking any risks from now on.

It's also possible that he could be happy with you and happy with the colleague. I've had that happen to be as well in the past (rolls eyes) that feeling that i was just pipped to the post by a slightly braver version of my self.

the truth is most of us could be happy with hundreds of people (out there somewhere). I think he was testing you telling you about the colleague. Testing you and warning you that he won't wait forever.........

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 18:05:29

I don't mean happy with you and happy with the colleague at the same time. I mean realistically, if you don't believe in the one, it's quite possible that he feels he could be close to either of you like that.

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 18:12:14

ps, oliveoliveolive, i wondered if somebody at work liked me like that, but then after seeing him twice a week (through work) since about March, he called me a name that begins with the same letter as my name but it is ........... not my name. So I am getting better, I actually calmly thought, right, well I will mentally take a step back. (not that I was flirting). externally I was the same. Hope that makes sense.

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 18:12:26

externally, i mean outwardly!

Few weeks! Augh the suspense, the drama, I want to know now!

Sorry OP I am completely trivialising your situation but I agree with others that A card on the table is very different from All of them, and you should go for it as scary as that is.

I say this because this was exactly DH and I. We were firmly in friend zone, not wanting to open that can of worms, both not realising the other would be more than happy to blow the can wide open... grin and we have been married 13 years now.

flowers

SaVred Fri 11-Jul-14 18:42:53

yeh, come back and update us!

Caly2014 Fri 11-Jul-14 19:30:08

How about testing the water next time you are playing footsie/ being tactile by saying in a jokey manner something like 'your colleague wouldn't like us doing this if you got together, maybe we should stop"

If he was interested in you he'd let it continue but if he agrees with you then you know where you stand.

Fluffy101 Fri 11-Jul-14 21:32:48

Text him say you Like him and then blame the fact you were drinking if he ignores it ;)

upupupandaway Fri 11-Jul-14 21:54:51

No, don't ever say you were pissed, Grow a pair and tell him the truth. He sounds really lovely and if he doesn't feel the same way I'm almost certain he will be very tactful and diplomatic about the situation.
He doesn't sound like the kind of dick who'll tell all and sundry about this. Maybe you'll be draw a line under this or perhaps you'll fall into each others arms. Either way you need to know where you stand. ( and my guess is he's thinking the same thing too).

oliveoliveolive Fri 11-Jul-14 22:27:19

I think I will bite the bullet and soon too! I've spoken to him over the phone today but just couldn't say anything about 'us' - but I think a face to face conversation would scare me. Plus I won't have the opportunity for a few weeks and now, because of these lovely responses, I just want to clear the air with him because you all are right, either way this friendship cannot be sustained with such intensity if he finds someone else etc, it really is about me taking some initiative. I think I have been very naive and vague with him looking back. The footsie thing was a disaster - I am cringing about it!

Thenapoleonofcrime Fri 11-Jul-14 22:39:37

This reminds me of myself in my twenties. I would do all the eye contact, feel the chemistry, but wild horses wouldn't get me to admit I liked someone so if they weren't really assertive, it would just fade away. Sheer pride and bloody mindedness wouldn't let me appear vulnerable or let anyone know I liked them that much- it didn't stand me in good stead and there's at least one fish I wonder if I should have let get away - after dithering for a few months, he upped and married someone else and I don't blame him at all! Fortune favours the bold. I am not one for chasing men (see above) but equally if you rebuff all minor attempts to be interested, eventually he will move on. Perhaps he already has. It has to be worth finding out though, for as everyone says, you won't be able to have this type of relationship intensity for ever anyway so it seems worth opening the door just a crack and seeing what happens. If he jumps at the chance, great, if he doesn't then at least you know and you can perhaps step back a little from the situation.

upupupandaway Fri 11-Jul-14 22:58:41

Email him, he's probably chomping at the bit. What harm can it do?

oliveoliveolive Sat 12-Jul-14 00:52:34

Ok well I just spoke to him over the phone and he asked if I was interested in going up to visit him where he's working for the weekend because otherwise I won't see him for weeks and he misses me!

Should I go and take the plunge?!

ToffeeWhirl Sat 12-Jul-14 00:57:48

Yes, definitely! I think it's really promising that he misses you, olive. At the very least, you can use the opportunity to find out what on earth is going on... (and update us all, obviously wink).

PlantsAndFlowers Sat 12-Jul-14 01:08:08

OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bumblebzz Sat 12-Jul-14 01:13:33

I know it's a bit teenager but can't you just GDAL?

Get Drunk And Lunge?!

Seriously there is a lot to be said to this approach ;-)

I was friends with my now DH for a few years - very much in danger of staying in the "friendzone" - and it took a drunken night out for us to both realise we fancied each other. (Actually I knew I fancied him, I needed him to realise he fancied me!).

SomeAreLovin Sat 12-Jul-14 10:35:49

As a guy, I'd recommend trying to have a chat about it too.

I was the male in a very similar situation with a female colleague for around a year.

Tried having 'the chat' with her a couple of times as we were both single and got on great and were basically in a sexless relationship! I also couldn't be 'just good friends' with her anymore but she clammed up and didn't engage in any of my attempts to have 'the chat'!

Took the hint and backed-off completely and she seems to have done the same now although she does try to keep in touch more than I do.

Bit gutted buy hey, just the way it goes sometimes - Good Luck!

yorkierocks123 Sat 12-Jul-14 14:21:25

God I am excited for you!!! yes definitely go!!!

and I like bumblebzz idea of getting drunk and lunge!!!

or if you're not that brave could you just make a joke of it and say something like "so have you shattered all my hopes and dreams and asked XXX out yet then?" or something like that?? although he might think you are just joking. Maybe you could just say more seriously and "by the way I am not joking??"

I really want to know what is going to happen - nothing this good on telly for sure:0)

In my own personal experience I have never felt 'something' and it's not reciprocated and men don't say they miss you if they just want to be friends!!

arsenaltilidie Sat 12-Jul-14 18:48:57

He put his cards on the table and you rejected him.

But you didn't mean to reject him so it's your turn.

Just send him something like
"Our friend/s think we should date?"
If he says no, then you agree with him, and say yeah I see you as a friend, I wasn't sure either.

if he says yes, then you date.

arsenaltilidie Sat 12-Jul-14 18:50:31

Oh go but please don't fall into a FWB situation.

AppleSnapple Sat 12-Jul-14 20:15:09

And you must must must come back and tell us how it goes (living vicariously through you!!)
Good luck, go for it, you really have nothing to lose- I think arsenaltilidie's way of doing things sounds pretty clever!

upupupandaway Sat 12-Jul-14 22:54:21

From my limited experience, when you have very strong chemistry, it kind of repels us because of it's sheer intensity. I think it must be acted upon, there is a chance his feelings are not reciprocal, a very small chance I think, but what is the worst case scenario? He'll tell you he likes you as a friend? Isn't that better than wondering if you could ever have a future together, if only one of you had the balls to make the first move ?
Be shameless, if it all goes tits up so what?
( it wont he's gagging for you my dear)

Pancakeflipper Sat 12-Jul-14 23:02:33

Oooh go. <marking spot>

WhatTheFork Sat 12-Jul-14 23:59:45

I bet he fancies you like mad but thinks he's punching above his weight.

Speaking from experience.

Yes, Yes, Go visit, get it under way, I can't stand the " will he,won't he".
Best wishes to both of you.wink

oliveoliveolive Mon 14-Jul-14 23:35:28

Hi all, thanks for the responses!

I unfortunately cannot visit him this weekend as my dd's father is also away at work and I need him to have her over the weekend! I will be going the weekend after though but I think this fortnight or so will give me some time to mull things over. As much as I am excited I think the past few days have given me an opportunity to look at the situation more calmly. I think we do have a spark, I definitely fancy him and I think he likes me too, but I'm not certain about that.

I will update on any progress and the weekend trip when it happens!

upupupandaway Tue 15-Jul-14 00:07:29

Good luck, but do take things slowly. At face value it looks great but be cautious.

PlantsAndFlowers Tue 15-Jul-14 00:12:33

Can't wait!!! grin

SnotandBothered Tue 22-Jul-14 14:51:52

drums fingers

ToffeeWhirl Tue 22-Jul-14 20:04:54

Ahem. Some of us are long-timed married and have to live romances vicariously, you know...

LizzieBelle Tue 22-Jul-14 20:49:35

W/E away sounds very promising! In my world, men would not ask this without expecting something to happen...make sure your legs are waxed!

oliveoliveolive Wed 23-Jul-14 01:06:29

Hi everyone, apologies for the late response!

Unfortunately I still haven't been able to go! We've been talking for hours on the phone every night though to compensate for not seeing each other - nothing romantic mind, just the usual joking around and mild flirting with the issue of 'us' just looming.

BUT I am seeing him next weekend, FINALLY, arrangements have been made for that and I promise a timely update! I have no idea how to broach the subject but after months of this THING I need to know where I stand!

AGnu Wed 23-Jul-14 01:47:06

Oh come on! Just pack a bag, phone in sick & go! grin Turn up looking fabulous. Mention that you're fed up of being single & need his opinion about what men look for, y'know, because you'd love to get a bf who's as wonderful as him... Say that while staring into his eyes & playing footsie. If all else fails, get drunk & either kiss him or confess all & deal with the consequences in the morning!

Agnu best advice on MN in a long time!

oliveoliveolive Wed 23-Jul-14 22:50:50

I can't just up and leave because of dd unfortunately, this isn't my native country and all my family are abroad so I have to arrange everything around her dad's schedule which is packed because of the nature of his work! It's frustrating but next week is settled, arranged and fixed so fingers crossed!

AGnu I don't have the balls for that! Maybe after a few drinks I'll stop being a wuss (or maybe he'll stop being a wuss)!

Muddlewitch Fri 01-Aug-14 21:33:56

Any update OP? nosey

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