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Do I call it a day? Just don't know what to do.

(32 Posts)
feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 15:43:14

I have been with my h 8 years, married 6. We have two dc age 2 and 4.

We've not been getting on for a while. The main issue is that he has a problem with weed and alcohol (doesn't see it as a problem though). And in the past I have got so fed up of him being stoned at home with me on his days off that I have wanted it to be over and told him so. He admits it's a problem at the time, says he promises to stop, lasts a few weeks/sometimes months before talking me round again promising it'll be occasional and that it'll make him happy and that he won't overdo it. Then it just escalates to him doing it every night til it's gone and the cycle then just repeats itself.
We got to a crisis point a few months ago where we were arguing a lot over it and since then he's pretty much had none. He hates and resents me though for controlling him, he says he wants the freedom to do it whenever he likes and so now he's just grumpy and volatile towards me all the time. We keep trying to work things out but all it boils down to is that he wants to get stoned and I'm stopping him. There seems to be no resolution, he acts like everything's ok and tries to sweeping under the carpet when deep down I feel like he doesn't really care about me and isn't happy at all. I just want u s to be happy together.
I hate the stuff, it changes him, makes him angry and grumpy the next day. He doesn't want to get up and has no patience with the kids. I feel it makes us distant. He has lied and done it behind my back probably more times than I realise. He sees nothing wrong in it whatsoever and fully believes that it's good for you and your soul. He thinks I am just a killjoy. May be I am. I don't know because my perspective is all skewed now I panic when he has some.
The alcohol runs alongside this. Apart from when he's at work, he drinks quite heavily most nights. . And I can sense his agitation on nights where he hasn't got any alcohol or run out.
He says I'm no fun to be around, controlling, always negative and will say things like god formid anyone ever have fun when you're around. He has nasty outbursts where he totally slags me off then just blames it on feeling stressed or giving up smoking (tobacco). But the things he says to me hurt my feelings I then feel low all day so he has a go at me for being miserable.
I don't know what I'm asking really. Just want someone to tell me what to do to make it better. And I want the dc to be happy above all else.
I do love him, when we're good we have fun, laugh together got a lot in common but at the moment we're snappy with each other. I am walking on eggshells around him. I'm not totally innocent thoughand have said some home truths in the past, it just seems to wash over him. I have been thinking on and off about whether to break up for a while now but it feels like such a massive thing. I suggested some time apart but he just says it won't be him who leaves the house so asks me where I will go then.
We're on holiday at the moment and I feel like I can't escape and it's his birthday tomorrow so I've got to pretend everything is ok. He's out swimming at mo with dc1 but when he's back might not get chance to reply much. Home in 2 days though.

Jamie1981 Wed 09-Jul-14 15:49:50

Sounds to me like you've done what you can for this chap.
I always recommend getting some outside help (Relate) before making your decision, particularly since you still love him. This should also help him understand that you are at breaking choice.
After that, move out. Hopefuly that will make him realise that you are serious.
It is not easy living with somebody who has an addiction, which he does. He can tell himself and everybody else that it is good for his soul, but if he is getting angry with you all the time it is clearly not working.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 09-Jul-14 15:51:21

Didn't want to read and run. One part of your post jumped out at me:

^ I suggested some time apart but he just says it won't be him who leaves the house so asks me where I will go then.^

If you can, go stay with family or friends to get the space you need. It's perfectly reasonable to ask for space and his inability to respect your request or boundary is troubling. He's trying to get you to brush your unhappiness under the carpet by equating it with you and the dcs having to leave your home.

Also you say I do love him but you haven't described someone that you love. You may have nice times with him but he is also the person who is controlling, negative, takes weed, drinks etc. It doesn't sound like you love those parts of him at all. Maybe it's time to take a little break from him and start to tease out whether the positives outweigh the negatives or vice versa.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 15:54:04

So he spends a chunk of the family finances on an illegal substance and drinks heavily, seriously OP, what's the point, you've made it pretty clear to him, fundamentally you are both singing from different hymn sheets, that won't change so expect more of the same unhappiness, frustration and feeling miserable.

Or, if you can and has been said, go get your head straight somewhere else, you will be surprised how clearly you start thinking.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 15:54:17

Thanks for your replies, you speak so much sense but it has also just made me break down and cry to hear it.
I think there will be places I can go but it will put pressure on family members to have us. Also they will know that there is a problem and possibly disapprove if I was to go back.

newstartforme Wed 09-Jul-14 15:58:37

Really feel for you on this :-(
My ex used to drink every day, and I mean every day. I think in the whole seven years we were together he had three days off!

I tried asking nicely, pleading, crying, threatening to leave - actually leavivng for a night (went to a hotel) nothing changed him.

On the odd night when he said he wasnt drinking I found him moody and irritable. Either that or he would cause a row and go out anyway, saying we needed bread and of course he would go and get his alcohol. I know this as I followed him.

Its really sad as they dont see it as an issue its always us with the problem and we are nagging! In the end i feel out of love with him as I knew he wasnt going to change and he used to shout and kick off at me. I will never forget the look of anger in his red eyes.
Sorry this isnt much help to you OP. Maybe you can work through it? Maybe if he knows you mean business he may change? But act soon before he kills the love you have for him..

Fudgeface123 Wed 09-Jul-14 16:00:19

Don't go back, you and kids are better off out of it. Where are the kids when he's getting pissed and stoned every night, does he smoke it in the house?

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 16:01:58

OP, why don't you just tell family you both need some space to think cos when you are in the thick of it, it's impossible to think clearly about the situation.

If you decide to go back they need to respect that decision. I think you may find once you are out of the current situation, you will be surprised at how much you start to see things more clearly and are better able to make an informed decision.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 16:03:19

He smokes outside. The children are usually in bed. But when the getting stoned thing starts to escalate he will start earlier either openly or more recently behind my back then deny it.
He equates it to a glass of wine so what's the harm. that's his attitude. But I think it makes him too laid back and he misses dangerous situations (the usual toddler stuff). I'd never leave the kids with him when he's doing it.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 16:05:04

He's escaping from reality and it offends me that he can't just be happy with what he's got.
When we're home I'll definitely be thinking about having some time apart.
Thanks to you all for taking time to reply.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 16:05:32

So you can't even have a family life with him cos he can't be trusted around his own children, time to call it a day or at least mean business OP.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 16:08:00

Yes I know. To be clear though, the weed smoking has stopped but now he just hates me and we keep arguing about it with him minimising all the problems we've had in the past when we've been doing it. So I've got what I wanted (him stopping) but now faced with basically a grumpy old man.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 16:08:41

*he's been doing it

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jul-14 16:26:51

He hates you, he's grumpy and yet you're the killjoy? I don't know why you'd want to stay with someone that hates you. Life's too short.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 16:35:31

OP if he feels like that then I think there's every chance he is, or will be back on the smoke sooner rather than later.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jul-14 16:39:25

" it offends me that he can't just be happy with what he's got"

He is perfectly happy with what he's got. Booze, weed, nice home, nice kids and a DW that lets him get away with appalling behaviour time after tim. hmm Given that he doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings on the matter, what motivation does he actually have to change? What are the consequences of him carrying on rubbing your nose in it?

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 16:40:54

He doesn't say he hates me, I just feel that he's not happy towards me. Not like he used to be. There's not that much love there. But when pushed he'll insist that we've got a good thing and we should stay together. I do think he wants to be with me. But he does have traditional values about marriage, I don't think he'd ever end it.

newnamesamegame Wed 09-Jul-14 16:49:44

Hi OP
Didn't want to read and run -- I'm in almost exactly the same situation with my "D"H except minus the weed... its just beer in my H's case, and lots of it. Every night and most of the weekend and increasingly to the exclusion of time with his family. I totally relate to everything you say, the feeling of resentment on his part when forced to contemplate a life without it etc. The feeling that you must be turning into a paranoid control freak because you crave quality time with your partner without alcohol (and weed, in your case).

I don't really have any advice to offer you -- I'm increasingly sure that me and my H are approaching the end of the road. I'd like to be able to say hang on in there but I don't think it works without the person with the addiction making a conscious decision that they need to change to retain their family and their life. My H certainly hasn't got to the point yet and I suspect never will.

All I would say is try to be true to yourself. Don't allow yourself to be made to feel controlling because you want quality, sober time for yourself and your family. Ultimately if he can't give that to you, you deserve better.

I would obviously hope both our other halves have a wake-up call and do what's right but I think we both need to be honest with ourselves about when to call it a day. Good luck, I know how horrible it is but I'm sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jul-14 16:55:51

And what are the consequences if his behaviour doesn't change? What will actually happen to him? I'm sure he does want to be with you but only on his terms. hmm

mammadiggingdeep Wed 09-Jul-14 16:58:15

I know what I'd say in this situation (because I had a weed smoking ex). id say "if I'm such a Kill joy and you think you want to smile it whenever you like, leave the family home, piss off and smoke yourself to oblivion. Just not on my watch."

Enjoy raising your children without this negativity in your life dragging you down.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 09-Jul-14 16:58:26

* smoke it...

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:04:36

He resents you and clearly has no clue that his behaviour is wrong, or, he's in complete denial, that in itself is worrying, nothing excuses smoking weed and drinking heavily when you have a wife and family and I agree, OP, it's the ultimate insult.

It definitely is a negative force you don't need in your life, and do not feel bad because he wants you to go along with his horrible habits.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:09:15

newnamesamegame - thanks your post resonates with me. If you don't mind me asking, are you separating at the moment, what decision did you make?

cogito- I know you are right. It's just doing it, being strong. knowing that I've made the right decision.

I have taken the hard line, said stop smoking weed or I'll leave and now everything is shit.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:12:25

OP, how long has it been since he had a smoke?

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:19:31

3 days ago he had a one night thing, his mate apparently gave him some for his birthday. Apparently it's a one off. Convenient that. Before then it had been a good 3 months. although we were still rowing about it because everyday off he had he was almost asking me permission to get some, or getting drunk instead. I don't want to be in the position where he asks my permission. That's not how it's supposed to be.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:22:20

Honestly OP, he just sounds totally not your bag, in other words, you don't want to sit smoking weed or get whasted on alcohol, he does, perhaps he needs to move out and get on with it then, without you having to watch.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:26:28

The thing is, I now do feel like this nagging, boring, tired mother, constantly feeling negative but trying to be happy. I prioritise the dc in everything so I do have a 'boring' approach to life at the moment. They are young and demanding.
but I do doubt myself, maybe I am the one causing the problems, that's how he makes me feel.
I know you're all right and I am listening. I just need a plan really.

Jan45 Wed 09-Jul-14 17:36:48

Again, feeling like that is natural, he is making you doubt, and not even like yourself because you don't like having to nag, nag, nag.

He either accepts that, if he wants a life with you then the smoking needs to stay in the past and his drinking needs to be brought down, it's not boring, he's the boring one needing crutches like that just to get by.

feelinglostandsad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:41:41

He is trying to not smoke it and trying not to drink so much. The effort is definitely there which is positive. However he is not happy. And it's the fact that he's doing it for me rather than choosing to do it for himself. It's so hard sad

Holdthepage Wed 09-Jul-14 18:26:21

It's not you it's him. You are not the killjoy he is. He is sucking all the joy out of your life that's for sure. It won't be long before he is sucking the joy out of your DC's lives either. He wants to be either stoned or wasted. What a prince.

Start swotting up on your rights & entitlements because before too long you are going to need them. If you don't leave him now you will in the future. Guaranteed.

I suggest you get some legal advice4. Just so that you have all the relevant information handy, because I note that your drug-addled fuckwit says that he won't leave the family home. It's not necessarily up to him. It might be possible to have him removed and get a court order to keep him out of the house.

newnamesamegame Wed 09-Jul-14 20:08:13

feelinglost in answer to your question, yes we probably are separating though terms are still tbd. I gave him an ultimatum three weeks ago, about drinking, he agreed to stop then went back on it a few days later (and was shitty and tried to blame me for it into the bargain) and has since been in a mammoth sulk so I haven't been able to speak to him about it properly.

I can't really see a way back from this, barring some serious soul searching and work on his part. He knows how I feel about it, periodically agrees to do something about it and then does bugger all. And the longer it goes on, the less I respect and love him.

I don't know if my situation is comparable with yours and every relationship is different, so my solution is not going to be the same as yours, necessarily.

But I do think there comes a time when you have to stop tolerating it.

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